/K/-Day Time since /K/onvergence: T + 4 hours Classified location in northern Texas, about 40 miles west of Wichita Falls, near the Texan-Oklahoman border (Now playing: Nouveau Life™ - Start Life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAx5Qjt_QC4) “Hey Robbie, did you remember to leave your door unlocked? You do it every time we come over to bool and go out for Sunday night NFL.” “I honestly can’t remember, I’m real sorry, Jim, but it’s a force of habit! I grew up in a small town, everyone knows everyone, and nobody causes trouble, except for Ol’ Man Whittaker’s kid, Bill. Poor guy’s mind got fried from LSD, way back in ‘71, he’s been caught doing weird shit at least once a month, ever since. And even HE never does no burglar crap!” “That’s good to know, Robbie, but you HAVE been listening in on the radio, right? Freaky-ass monsters are popping up all over the goddamn place. How do we know that when I drop you off at your place, it won’t be crawling with goblins that no one looked for, because THEY remembered to lock the door once they got in?” “Don’t be such a pussy, Jim, we’ve got SMG’s and our duty pistols. What the fuck are a bunch of inbred green faggots gonna do, throw their swords at us?” “Are you really putting that much confidence in our gear? Do you even know what a M/45 is? These things were already clapped out in ‘75, and they’re been sitting in a warehouse for like 40 fuckin’ years before they handed ‘em to us, so that the brass can put on their checklist that we’re ‘optimally armed to deal with looters and terrorists!’ I’d put more trust in an Tec-9 than these!” “Why don’t you just clean em till they work again?” “Fuck you, Robbie, that’s actually a good point. And even then, we can deal with ‘em using just our Berettas. And who the hell is gonna want to hijack our silo at a time like this? Do these magic people even KNOW what an EMP is?” “I dunno, Jim, but I guess we should start cleaning those M/45’s up, not like we have anything better to do down here. I don’t think we’re gettin’ the green-light to use this on the magic freaks.” “Let’s go ask Emmy if she wants in on this, I bet she’s bored as hell running guard duty. Actually, let’s take our shit and keep her company. In the off chance that someone like Al-Queefa, or whatever, shows up to launch our shit at New York or something, 3 guns are better than 1.” “What about the Major?” “10 bucks say he’s either jerking off to fantasies about fucking dragon-girls, or he’s crying for mommy in the shower room.” “You think there’s dragon-girls lumped in with the ‘intruders’?” “I dunno, but even if there are, I'd put 700 bucks down that they still wouldn’t bang the Major!” “Hardy-har-har, you boys are a real laugh riot! But, if you really gotta know, the Major’s in his office waiting for someone in the Pentagon to tell him to launch ‘our shit.’” [Jim] “Nice to see you too, Emmy.” “You know he’s gonna chew you guys out again. You left the launch room, despite us still being at DEFCON 1, and you didn’t even lock the vault door. And I heard everything, so look on the bright side, if we all get shot or sliced up, then the monsters or terrorists probably won’t even know how to launch the missile. On that note, how’s our big beautiful 150-kiloton baby doing, Jim?” [Robbie] “Not a squeak out of him, we haven’t needed maintenance in 4 months, those General Electric eggheads really broke the mold with this one. I’m just worried that some mole doesn’t rip through the landline again. I still can’t believe it took 2 and a half weeks for AT&T to send someone out to fix that.” And at that moment, a loud noise came from the launch room. “BLACKOUT, this is LOOKING-GLASS with a red-dash Alpha message in two parts. I repeat, BLACKOUT, this is LOOKING-GLASS with a red-dash Alpha message in two parts.” [The Major] “Hostleter, Higgins! Get your asses in the launch room ASAP! You too, Redenbaker, they might need a hand!” (The 3 of them run into the launch room) [The Major] “Redenbacker! Close that launch door, and keep your weapon pointed at it, I’ve been getting reports of wizards phasing into air traffic control rooms, they’ll materialize once they finish passing through, then give em the full rock n’ roll, and then some! I’ll keep watch of the entrance!” (The 2 launch controllers settle into their seats) [Jim] “LOOKING-GLASS, we are live and ready to receive!” “BLACKOUT, code is as follows, ROMEO JULIET FOXTROT LIMA ECHO YANKEE OSCAR DELTA. Authentication: one, six, three, niner, four, zero, X-RAY, KILO “LOOKING-GLASS, authentication confirmed! Entering launch code, awaiting coordinates!” “BLACKOUT, coordinates are as follows, latitude: 97.5027° W!” “Confirmed, LOOKING-GLASS” “BLACKOUT, longitude is as follows: 25.8690° N!” “Confirmed and logged in, target selection, time-on-target sequence, and yield selection are all complete! LOOKING-GLASS, our orders are to wait for a direct order to launch!” “BLACKOUT, you may fire when ready! LOOKING-GLASS, out!” [Emmy] “Holy shit, Jim, we’re really doing this!” “Robbie, what are those coordinates?” [Robbie] “According to this, Matamoros, Mexico? Why are we launching there, is this a fuckin’ joke? We’re not at war with Mexico!” [Jim] “Maybe the city’s been overrun? I’d bet the Mexicans are requestin’ that we take the city out, but since it’s next to Brownsville, the Pentagon doesn’t wanna use a full-blown nuke?” [Robbie] “I-I-I can’t do this, Jim! I signed up for this man’s Army to bomb the shit out of sandniggers, I got no beef with Mexicans!” [Jim] “Shut up, Robbie, Uncle Sam gave us a duty, and we’re doing it, so insert that FUCKING launch key!” [Robbie] “S-s-standb-b-by.” “Key inserted?” “R-roger!” “On my mark, rotate launch key to set! 3-2-1, mark!” (Now playing: Operation Hardtack/Teak and Orange, from the movie Trinity and Beyond https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz1wRYnlcdg) The computer’s message rings loudly and clearly, “T-MINUS 1 MINUTE 30 SECONDS TO LAUNCH.” “Robbie, enable thrusters!” “P-primary thruster 1, online, 2, online, 3 online, 4 online! Secondary thruster unit, online! JIM! GET LOOKING-GLASS BACK ON THE LINE! I AM NOT FRYING AN ENTIRE INNOCENT CITY’S POWER GRID BECAUSE SOME E-1 AIRMAN MIXED UP SOME COORDINATES!” “TOO LATE, ROBBIE, LAUNCH SEQUENCES ARE A ONE-WAY TRIP!” “I can’t! I won’t! This is bullshit! You don’t care who gets wasted in the aftermath of this! You just wanna ride that missile straight into the history books! Once that baby goes POP, they’ll go public with this. We’ll be the next Enola Gay crew!” “Ding ding ding, Robbie! You got me there! Now turn that key to launch before you blow us all up!” (The intercom from the Major’s office turns on) “HIGGINS! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THERE! THIS ISN’T THE TIME TO GET ALL HIPPIE ON US, YOU WILL TURN THAT KEY, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL OPEN THAT VAULT DOOR AND DO IT MYSELF!” (Robbie Higgins pulls his Beretta M9 on Jim Hostleter) “Fuck you, you gloryhound maniac!” You type out that emergency automated launch sequence, I’ll blow your mass-murdering brains out all over the screen!” And at that moment, Higgins forgot that Emmy Redenbacker was in the room, and did not notice that she was slowly creeping up behind him (She wacks the back of his head with the butt of her M16A2, the sucker punch knocks him out cold.) [Emmy] “Jesus Christ, Jim, his safety was off, he was really gonna do it!” “T-MINUS 10 SECONDS TO LAUNCH” “Emmy! Hands on the key!” “Roger!” “T-MINUS 5,4,3,2,1, L A U N C H ” (Emmy and Jim turn their keys, right on time) LAUNCH INITIATED, HAVE A NICE DAY (Now playing: Do You Hear What I Hear? Rendition by The Harry Simone Chorale https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADj-Ru3JQp0) Time since /K/onvergence: T + 4 hours 30 minutes Location: The entrance room to Project: Blackout’s silo (An Ipod Classic is plugged into a small Beats pill-shaped speaker, on the Ipod’s screen, it says, ‘Now playing: Pacific 202 by 808 State' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoCo58wFaVQ ) (The Major) “How’s the zip-tie looking on Corporal Higgins? (Jim) “The same as it was 20 minutes ago, he’s not getting outta this one. Who thought it was a good idea to NOT give us handcuffs, they should have expected this sort of thing?” (The Major) “Hostetler, as much as I wanna pound Corporal Higgins into a pile of putrid pumice with my own self-taxidermied bear hands, he’s still under my command and authority! He will NOT DIEEEEE until I SAY he can die! Besides, haven’t you seen Fail-Safe? Dr. Strangelove? As far back as silos have been around, the Pentagon expected soldiers like you to deep-six someone for NOT turning the key, not the other way around….? However, I got the whole thing on security camera, so once we evacuate and hit the self-destruct, this little flash drive’s gonna be our ticket to prrrrrromotions! Your superb actions, and coolness under fire, well, almost under fire, will be your one-way trip to a command sergeant major’s desk, my dear staff sergeant!” (Emmy) “And what about me? I took Robbie out and turned the key, DESPITE, having no training of how to launch an IRBM? I’m commissioned, I deserve at least a promotion to lieutenant colonel!” “Captain Redenbacker, your swiftness in taking down a mutinous officer, then, your ingenious and quick actions in ensuring that the missile was launched and the mission completed, will certainly land you a colonel’s promotion! But if this pans out as well as I hope it does, I’ll be made a 1-star general, and you two’ll get the biggest promotions I’ll be authorized to give out!” (both) “Thank you, Major!” “The honor and pleasure’s all mine, folks!” (Jim) “Major, there’s just one thing, we launched the missile, whatta we do now?” “Both of you, pack your personal belongings, then necessary equipment, up. I’ll radio the nearest chopper with room for 4. I have every intention of dragging Corporal Higgins in front of a USMJ tribunal, and no JAG bleedin-heart faggot is gonna stop me from ensuring that the book gets thrown at him, and he gets drummed out faster than you can play Taps! And bring all the tranquilizer you can fit into the medic bag, Corporal Higgins is known for night terrors, he might wake up any moment now.” (Emmy) “Permission to speak freely, sir?” “Of course! You’ve earned it!” “You’ve really got it bad for fucking over Higgins, I know that was technically mutiny, but he just cracked. The mission was completed, no harm, no foul, I say!” “Easy for you to say, you didn’t get a gun pointed right in your face!” “Captain Redenbacker, the purpose of our launch coordinates was to stop an invading force, most certainly the Cubans, from using Matamoros as a launchpad for an invasion of the Homeland, via Mexico-to-Brownsville! I’ve put quite a lot of time and money into fixing up a nice beachhouse in northern South Padre Island, and ANYONE who stands a chance to ruin that for me will receive my INFINITE WRATH! Now proceed with packing up, we’re literally blowing this popsicle stand!” Time since /K/onvergence: T + 5 hours (Jim) “Well sir, that’s everything. All the ammo, food, medical supplies, and anything else the manual said we need to evacuate, and here’s Robbie’s Beretta and his spare mags, 2 guns are better than 1, I’d think. Anything else we need?” “Everything is looking sunny-side up! You’re dismissed for now, staff sergeant Hostetler, take a seat and enjoy yourself to a cool, refreshing Coca-Cola. I just got the word in, there was a Chinook headed for Goodfellow AFB out in San Angelo, from Rogers State University. Apparently, there was an small airlift for evacuating ROTC students, but it’s a Saturday, and most of them seem to have been off-campus and were…. caught off guard by these…. things that are popping out of portals all over the country. Poor kids, but their loss is our gain. That Chinook’s got spare room for 11, they’re already on their way to make a detour for us. And we’ll be making another detour in Lubbock to pick up a AT&T VIP and his family, along with whomever the lucky extra 4 citizens are that happen to be hanging around, we’ll have just enough space for them.” (Emmy pops in the room) “You mean that deal Eisenhower made with them is still valid? I thought they had their own special bunker network for this sort of thing?” (Major) “They did, their corporate bunker in Lubbock is compromised, the VIP claims that a nest's worth of Balrogs, of all things, are tunneled and wedged in there. San Angelo is still currently a safe zone. No reported dangers of the fantastical sort within 100 miles, in all directions. From there, we wait this whole fecal storm out, then catch the first plane to the Pentagon for a proper debriefing. But before we leave, our final orders are to check on the missile’s status. Let’s go!” (Emmy gives Robbie a just-in-case tranq injection, then the 3 of them walk back into the launch room) (Jim) “Alright folks, seems our boy’s a bit faster than I thought, the logs say it detonated 24 minutes after launch, not 37, like the GE folks said it would.” (Emmy) “You sure the GE guys said that? What if it was so fast that it didn’t get slowed down by atmospheric stuff, like how space shuttles need to go super fast to get out of the gravity well?” (Jim) “Impossible, BLACKOUT isn’t a trans-atmospheric reentry vehicle, it stays in the stratosphere, kind of like a conventional Tomahawk. It does that as a way of making it less likely to trip up satellite detections, the idea was that the enemy would think it’s just an ordinary non-nuclear cruise missile, until it’s too late. Major, there’s a 3rd computer over here, it relays real-time data from a sensor module next to the onboard guidance system. What does it say?” (Major) “Says there was an anomalous disturbance, and course corrections were made, still on target to destination.” (Jim) “Did it say what the coordinates of the anomaly were?” (Major) “Affirmative, coordinates are 30°30'33.8" north, and 98°17'44.5" west!” (Jim) “Emmy, punch those numbers into Robbie’s computer, where was that anomaly? The brass at Goodfellow ought to know about this.” (Emmy) “It shows the precise intersection of Highways 71 and 281, approximately 5.7 miles southwest of the center of Marble Falls.” (Jim) “Looks like Marble Falls is a write-off for a safe zone, Major, what happened next?” (Major) “BLACKOUT moved to the RIGHT, proceeded on course until… until… un.. un… un..” (Jim) “Until what?” He and Emmy move to the sensor module upload computer, both standing right behind the Major The screen has only 3 more sentences. UNAVOIDABLE ANOMALY DETECTED AT 29°19'00.7" NORTH, 98°36'30.5" WEST WARHEAD WAS PRIMED AND DETONATED AT MAXIMUM YIELD, COORDINATES OF DETONATION ARE AS FOLLOWS; 29°21'54.5" NORTH, 98°35'14.5" WEST END OF LINE (Emmy) “J-Jim, what’s the coordinates of that last anomaly?” Jim slowly shambles over to Robbie’s computer “It’s the intersection of Interstate 35 and Highway Loop 410, the southwestern tip of San Antonio.” (Emmy) “A-a-and w-what’s the exact location of the d-detonation?” “Pearsall Park, San Antonio, Texas. Almost precisely across the street from the southeastern tip of Lackland-Kelly AFB.” “Oh, dear.” (Now playing: Cat People (Putting Out Fire) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9GbGO7CKdQ )