>Live near a well known vampire coven
>Really more of a vampire crack house
>Everyone knows about it but no one is really that eager to try to do anything about it
>So long as you keep garlic on your window sill and don't go out at night you're usually fine
>One day some single mother and her spoiled brat move next door
>Neighbourhood gives her a hello and a basic warning about the vampire crack house
>Sure enough her little shit is out one night throwing rocks through windows
>At one point just goes silent
>Next morning bitch is raising absolute hell about how her "precious little angel" never came home
>Neighbourhood basically tells her "sorry lady, your kid's leechmeat"
>She goes screeching to the police to go get the vampires
>Of course she gets a "I don't get paid enough for that shit"
>She just disappears into her house and doesn't come out for like two days
>One night after those two days see some weird lights outside my window
>Look out to see several cars driving right up to the vampire crack house
>Like twelve of the scariest looking dudes I've ever seen in my life just burst out of it with shotguns and some sort of fucking buzz saws on sticks
>All of them lead by this absolute 7' tall fifty-something year old dude with bible pages stapled to his robes, screaming like a complete lunatic across the neighbourhood
>The second this dude starts screeching about "purging the filth" every other window lights up
>All twelve of the guys rush into the house
>The next two hours of the night are nothing but gunshots and screaming
>Me and the neighbours are just watching out our windows, occasionally yelling to each other about what the fuck is going on
>After two hours the dudes finally run out of the crack house
>All twelve of them seem fine, except they're all covered in blood and chunks, big ultra priest is carrying a big wooden stick with over twenty fanged, severed heads stuck on it
>He starts screaming out sermons again as some of the dudes pull fucking flamethrowers out of their trunks and light the whole crack house done
>They just start there all night, dripping in blood with the big guy basically screaming religious sounding insults against vampire kind the whole time
>When the sun finally rises they take out fucking rakes and start going through the ashes, I guess to see if they missed anyone
>Since it's sunrise the neighbourhood is now out on the street and talking to themselves about this shit
>Finally the group seems satisfied, the big guy stakes the head stick into the pile of ash and they all just get in their car and leave
>Everyone is confused until the single mother comes running up to the head stake
>Starts screaming at it, something like "shouldn't have killed my son!"
>We finally realize that she called some vampire hunters after finding out her son was taken away
>Me and a couple neighbours talking when we here "holy shit, what happened there?" from behind us
>When we turn to look we see her fucking kid standing right there
>Turns out he just ran off for shits and giggles after stealing some money from his moms purse
>The mother claims "yeah, that happens a lot, he's such a silly boy"
I don't like vampires as much as the next guy, but Jesus Christ I think vampire hunters are like five times scarier.