>6 months after /k/onvergence
>was one of the many faggots who decided to charge headlong into the new world as soon as possible
>because fuck my ex wife
>you can keep the kids, Janet
>I loaded up on ammo, cleaned by FAL, and sawed off my SxS before I left
>because fuck the ATF 
>wandered around the new world for 3 months
>killed some Orcs who tried to rob me for my food
>about got buttfucked by some skinwalker who thought I was an easy target
>after another month I eventually got into a decently safe town
>I ended up in a wagon caravan with a few other guys I met in the local tavern
>after drinking copious amounts of beer, and partaking in some pipe weed, we decided to be mercs together
>we’ve been on the road for about 3 weeks now
>there’s Bill, with his Mosin, he was a pizza delivery guy in the old world
>he has a mullet, and wears a red headband, 25 years old
>he said he left when he caught his boss fucking his mother
>there’s Shovel
>he never told us his real name
>just Shovel
>he’s this skinny guy who I have never seen without his gas mask and wore Vietnam era army gear
>he carries an AR-15, a rusty ka-bar and
>you guessed it
>a shovel
>I shit you not, he dug a foxhole everywhere he went
>the third guy was this large man who only spoke Russian, and only carried an RPK, along with what seemed like an endless supply of canned sardines
>he was like 6’7” and was balding
>mid forties
>wore a black tracksuit and milsurp boots
>let’s call him Vlad
>but wait
>I almost forgot about Ding
>Ding is this weird little fairy I met while camping a week before I met the rest
>found her sleeping in my ammo box
>apparently she loves the smell of brass
>like gets high off of it
>I let her stay with me because I heard somewhere fairies are good luck

Cont 
>either that or they lay eggs in your urethra while you sleep
>not much worse than my ex wife so I’ll take the risk
>she may not be able to speak english, but she’s good company
>polishes my ammunition too, leaves a weird sparkle on it
>anyway, we’re just sitting in the back of a wagon, talking about what to do next
>we had heard rumors of a huge group of /k/ommandos that were attempting to start supply lines
>another group that were trying to collaborate with some dwarves to start manufacturing guns ‘n’ ammo
>Vlad was rambling on in Russian as usual
>Ding is probably humping an empty casing in my pack
>Shovel is cleaning his shovel
>as we talked, we decided to look for work in the next village we were coming up on
>Goblins are apparently a problem around here
>we ask the driver, an old Dwarf with a prosthetic arm, about the area
>he starts rambling about “muh mountain” and “damned orcs porked my hog”
>decide that he’s probably not going to be much help
>Bill pipes up
>”Hey anon?”
>I look at him, his hands still stained with cosmoline, eating an MRE with a plastic fork
>”Yeah Bill?”
>”How much do you think it’ll cost me to get my nugget enchanted?”
>I look at him
>motherfucker
>we are paying this dwarf in MREs and spent casings
>”More than you have Bill.”
>decide fuck it
>might as well get some sleep
>wake up maybe two hours later to Vlad shouting and gunfire
>fuckme.jpg


>Bill pulls me onto the floor of the cart
>hear Ding yelp in my pack as I land
>frantically flip the safety on my FAL
>what the fuck is going on
>Orcs
>you fuckers
>I was sleeping
>look over to my right, see the dwarf is dead
>a spear went through him and into the floor
>one of Bill’s shoes are pinned to the floor by it, somehow went between his toes
>RIP brave mountain man
>hear Vlad screeching in Russian while firing off a drum mag through his RPK outside the cart
>beneath me, I hear Shovel digging 
>Bill and I are popping out of cover and firing into the crowd of Orcs in the treeline
>a few of the orcs have AKs, and are firing wildly, killing more of their own than caravaneers
>empty a magazine, and reload, sliding my empty mag into my pack for Ding to reload
>don’t ask me how she does it, being only around 3 inches tall, but it’s useful due to my dumb ass only bringing two mags
>I hear Shovel start firing after digging his foxhole to his liking
>after about an hour of this shit the orcs retreat, apparently deciding we weren’t worth it
>out of the entire caravan, we’re the only survivors
>more loot for us, I guess
>it was only like 4 wagons anyway
>look over and see Vlad looting all the AKs from the Orcs
>Shovel got stuck under the wagon so Bill and I had to help his dumb ass out
>well, all of the horses are dead
>Vlad walks over with the stocks of like 6 AKs sticking out of a bag he took off an Orc
>Says something in Russian, laughs, then turns and starts walking down the road
>the three of us just look at each other and follow the madman
>after about 4 hours, we decide to camp for the night


>we find a nice clearing off the road
>welcome to the /k/ampsite
>Bill, Ivan, and I set up our tents while Shovel digs a hole to sleep in
>I swear that fucker has to be half dwarf or something
>come to think of it, don’t know what the fuck Shovel is
>I’ll find out later, there are more important things to worry about
>like finding where my fucking mallet has gone
>oh well
>give up, offer to go catch some food
>”Anon we still have all the MREs we were going to pay the Dwarf with.”
>oh right
>we gather around the /k/ampfire, our guns by our sides
>give Ding a thimble of beer and watch her stumble around for entertainment
>just tuck her into a can of spent casings when she passes out
>Ivan ends up telling us stories about Russia
>well I couldn’t understand him but it was fun
>after drawing straws to see who would take first watch, we go to our tents
>Shovel got the short straw and got to work digging a trench to watch from
>heard him humming some song while he dug
>somehow drift off over Vlad snoring and Bill having night terrors 
>a month later, we make it into a decently large city
>it was a fucking Elf city
>they almost didn’t let us past the gates, but it turns out Shovel is the cousin of some elf noble 
>so that’s what you are behind that gas mask
>turns out he loved contraband human magazines and books so much he ran off to be an adventurer
>says his goal in life is to find “Charlie”
>good for you kid

>saunter into an inn on the edge of the city
>see several elf women oggle us, whispering and giggling to each other
>other patrons look disgusted at the filthy humans that walked in, throw dirty looks at Shovel
>Shovel pulls some gold out of his ass and gets us some rooms
>finally, a bed
>hear a knock at my door the minute I lay down
>DAMMITLEMMESLEEP
>better not be more Orcs
>open the door and see Vlad standing there
>picks me up over his shoulder like a bag of radishes grown on his family farm
>pleasedontfuckme.jpg
>turns around and lets me lock the door before walking off
>open carrying my sawed off because I had it on me
>somehow end up in front of a bath house with the rest of the guys
>I know I stink but you guys didn’t have to kidnap me
>Ivan scrubs my back for the glory of Russia
>some elf qt3.14s scrub his muscles
>he has a giant tattoo of a bear on his back, with japanese text under it
>Shovel is washing his shovel like it’s his lover
>I think it actually is
>Bill is smoking weed in the sauna with some elf men he met
>it’s his own fault if they diddle him
>afterwards we make it back to the Inn, and notice the billboard posted out front
>Shovel translates the weird elf writing
>bounties
>fucking finally

>”Mercenaries needed to clear out goblin cave, the location is about an hour away.”
>We all decide to head out at around noon tomorrow
>get back to my room and see Ding organizing and sorting my ammo and other gear
>she smiles and waves from the desk in the corner, lit by a weird elven lamp
>weakly wave back and climb into bed, fall asleep to the sounds of Ivan snoring down the hall and Ding playing with ammo
>the next morning, I wake up to a knock on the door
>”One minute…” 
>groggily climb out of bed, open door
>Bill is standing there, tells me we’re grabbing breakfast and heading out
>pull on my pants, grab my gear, and go downstairs
>Ivan has a plate piled high with food, with a huge mug of beer
>Shovel is eating out of some old mess kit with a cantine
>Bill is eating some kind of elven roast beef sandwich
>I sit down and an elf waitress just sits a plate of what look like green pancakes and roast rabbit in front of me
>sways hips as she walks away
>how did she know what I wanted?
>questions for another time
>a few hours later we find our way to the farm that placed the bounty
>a family of rural elves growing wheat, but have been recently harassed by Goblins
>apparently they steal coin and grain
>peep on the women
>we get directions and find the cave
>yup, this is a Gobbo cave alright
>weird totems made from animal bones sit out front

>oh the smell
>like the camp shit hole after Ivan has used it
>speaking of Ivan, he immediately pulled a block of C4 out of his pack
>NO
>Bill grabs Ivan’s arm, and says there could be loot in there
>Ivan slowly puts the explosives back in his bag
>good Ivan
>we started planning, and came to conclusion that going in there guns blazing would fuck our eardrums 
>I ain’t gonna be deaf
>as we’re talking we hear rustling behind us
>turn around
>well
>fuck
>thirty Goblins have approached
>several are carrying spears, others knives
>they’re pulling a sled with a deer on it
>we just stare at each other
>I think they were out hunting or fucking or something
>one steps forward, wearing glasses and holding a derringer in his hand like it’s a desert eagle
>holding it sideways
>thing is rusted to shit
>screams something in his nasally gobbo voice
>think he demanded we hand over our coins
>when we don’t comply, he fires
>derringer explodes in his hand, taking off his entire right arm and flinging the fucker back

>we open fire on the rest
>afterwards, shovel and I go into the cave
>find nothing but women and children
>Shovel’s shovel found a purpose
>that purpose was smashing any living thing in the cave
>found a pretty good collection of coins, elvish porn, and women’s panties in the chief’s little gobbo hole
>ours now
>shamefully fapped to the porno later
>dontjudgeme
>bring nearly fifty gobbo scalps back to the farmer
>he kinda gave us this disgusted look and payed us pretty well
>later on found a place to trade scalps for bounty
>now we’re rolling with some pretty full pockets
>decide fuck it, let’s go shopping
>find a large market in the city
>bump into a few other /k/ommandos selling reloads and bubba’d nuggets
>Shovel gets some weird enchantment on his shovel
>”What does it do?”
>”It lets me dig faster.”
>Vlad walks up to us wearing a new backpack that looks like a refrigerator with straps
>”Hey guys, where’s Bill?”
>see him go into an alley with a shady looking elf
>he’s either fucking or buying pipeweed
>possibly both
>I managed to find a pretty nifty dagger in a pawn shop
>the shopkeep told me something about it never dulling
>yeahokay
>elven bullshit for sure

>after three weeks of fucking around in Elftown, we pack up and leave
>Ivan and Vlad probably left behind an army of expecting mothers
>anyway
>we had met another two guys there who tagged along
>our warband is growing
>one was a half-orc
>let’s call him Lightskin
>he dual wielded hi-points
>what a faggot but hey he’s chill
>likes reading and cooking, hates his orc dad for leaving
>the other is a Dwarf named Axefist
>always wore goggles and had his ginger beard braided
>he has an axe for a hand
>says he lost it in a cave-in
>go figure
>he and Shovel love talking about digging
>a few days after leaving Elftown, we were sitting in our newest /k/ampsite
>we honestly didn’t know where to go
>Lightskin pulls a map out of his fanny pack, spilling .40 S&W everywhere
>good job
>yes, he wears a fanny pack
>he keeps all of his ammo in there, and had each hi-point in an underarm holster
>we look at the map, and decide we should make our way to this farming village about a week’s worth of travel away
>we could restock there, and then continue to a larger city to the West
>draw straws
>awwwshit
>first watch is on me

1111111111111111111111

>Axefist and Vlad knock back respective bottles of alcohol and laugh 
>alright you dicks
>we all say goodnight, and it’s just me and Ding
>I sit on a log near the fire, with my FAL on my lap
>ding was chewing on a little hunk of beef on my shoulder
>it’s honestly good to have some company
>the skinwalkers can’t sneak up on me now
>I see Axefist climb out of his hole
>”Hey Anon, fairy, gonna go take a shit.”
>thanks for telling me
>a few minutes later I hear this weird yelp from the woods
>Axefist walks back out of the treeline and starts approaching camp
>I almost shot you fucker
>”Hey Axefist, what was that sou--”
>wait a fucking minute
>this isn’t Axefist
>that’s a shovel attached to that wrist
>and Axefist smells bad, but not so bad I can smell it from 15 meters

>Ding hisses on my shoulder and flitters into my pack as I stand and take aim
>Shovelhand looks at me and its eyes turn black
>opens mouth impossibly wide and shrieks
>hear Bill wake from his night terrors with a shriek
>Vlad rips through the side of his tent stark naked, dick swinging in the wind
>Shovel’s head pokes out of his hole
>Lightskin shrieks in his tent, knocking over his reading lamp and catching his tent on fire
>ready or not, it’s go time boys
>Shovelhand charges me as I open fire
>he takes 3 .308 rounds to the torso and doesn’t slow down
>turn and run towards Vlad as the thing shapeshifts and shrieks after me
>FUCKFUCKFUCKHELPMERUSSIA
>throw myself to the ground as Vlad raises his RPK and fires, knocking the skinigger back
>Shovel screams the name “CHARLIE”, rushing the creature with his shovel over his head
>the thing is now around twelve feet tall
>imagine a dwarf stretch armstrong
>from hell
>as Vlad is reloading, Shovel smacks the thing as hard as he can
>his shovel breaks, but it sends the thing back and into the fire
>Bill is screaming something along the lines of “TAKE THAT BARACK OBAMA” as he spills cosmoline all over himself like it was holy water to protect himself
>Lightskin stumbles out of his scorched tent in sweatpants with his pistols out
>we all proceed to open fire into the campfire as the thing shrieks
>it has started mimicking Bill
>as we shoot it it just shrieks the phrase “TAKE THAT BARACK OBAMA” over and over
>shrieking stops
>shooting stops


>we later found Axefist impaled on a tree branch with shit all over his ass and his body inside out
>we buried him alongside Shovel’s prized shovel in the hole he dug to sleep in
>rest in pepperoni Axefist
>this cruel fate took him from us like that whore Janet took my kids
>fuck you Janet
>A week later, we made it to some village named Jackharf
>okay
>weird name
>we pool our cash and rent a few rooms from some halfling farmer
>his daughter throws the eyes at Bill
>farmer actually has some work for us
>says he needs someone to kill the rats in his cellar
>doesn’t sound that bad
>Vlad and I grab some shovels from the farmer’s shed and go around back
>the cellar doors are secured with these thick oak planks
>okay
>maybe the guy just hates rats
>we get down there and look around
>I hear squeaking behind a weird looking couch
>wait
>the couch lunges at us
>it is a rat the size of me


>luckily Vlad got a good smack on top of it’s head and we managed to beat it to a pulp
>hear more squeaking
>there are at least 3 more staring at us from the darkness
>about ten minutes later Vlad and I stumble back into the light
>we are both covered in blood and gore
>shovels are broken
>I fired off my shorty a few times
>”Hey Vlad, aren’t giant rats supposed to be early level enemies?”
>he says something in Russian and wipes brains off of his face
>”My thoughts exactly…”
>get back into the house and we get confused stare from our friends
>Lightskin is the first to speak
>”Did you guys fucking murder someone?”
>I look up
>”We just did some pest control.”
>Bill and Shovel come back from town with supplies
>alright, we have some fresher food
>”Alright guys, we should head out in the morning.”
>everyone nods in agreement
>I ended up sharing a room with Shovel
>he’s still bummed out over the loss of his shovel
>”You know this is a farming village right? They are bound to have like a dozen shovels in the shed alone.”
>Ding looks up at us from her usual ammo inventory
>Shovel just sighs
>”I know man, just, that was from your world and all, so it was kinda special.”
>he pauses
>”Also the enchantment was expensive.”
>I grunt, and go back to cleaning rat gore off of my shorty
>”Maybe the next city has a good smithy, who knows?”
>all of a sudden hear a commotion outside
>there is a knocking on the door, so Shovel hops up and opens it


>farmer’s daughter is there, and she looks terrified
>turns out a nearby tribe of Orcs are raiding the village
>fucking shit
>go downstairs to find the rest of the guys helping the farmer and a few farmhands boarding up the doors and windows
>see flames outside through gaps in the fortifications
>oh shit
>Vlad still had two of the AKs he scrounged way back, so we arm two farm hands
>if african children could learn to use them, then why not some farmhands?
>Bill and I take positions upstairs
>look out window
>holy shit
>huge raiding party of like two hundred orcs
>maybe more
>throwing women in cages on the backs of carts
>killing all others
>rape and death are rampant
>see one orc disembowel a man while raping his wife
>they’re hanging farm animals
>fucking burning kids at the stake
>burning buildings and fields
>Bill whistles
>”Shit’s fucked boss.”
>”You can say that again.”
>hear gunshots outside, so Orcs must be armed
>as a crowd of Orcs approach the house, Bill is the first to fire
>the skull of the first Orc tastesth the fury of the moist nugget
>another soul for the /K/ube
>gunfire erupts from both floors of the house, and the Orcs return fire
>I can see they’re using AKs, nuggets, and several other flavors of slavshit
>can hear Vlad singing the Russian national anthem downstairs, and Lightskin screaming “I HATE YOU DAD YOU LEFT US IN THE SWAMP!”
>luckily the Orcs shoot like shit, so we get a pretty good killzone set up
>we’re still hardly denting the horde’s numbers
>see a bunch trying to push a flaming cart into the farmhouse
>uh-uh
>hear Vlad shout something unintelligible, followed by a few grenades being flung at the Orcish lines


>I’m getting some good kills
>if we get out of this, we are making a fortune in scalps
>or we were made Orcish rape slaves
>I pull Bill down as a volley of gunfire hits our position
>he grabs me “WHERE DID THEY GET ALL THOSE GUNS?”
>I grit my teeth and shake my head
>realize we may have to retreat
>”We gotta run. We have to warn the next city about the damn Orc army.”
>he fires a few shots out the window, and nods
>”Go to Lightskin, he has the map, prepare a route to take, then we’ll figure something out.”
>Bill nods, and darts for the door
>keep firing, then hear Shovel shouting for me
>fire a last shot and grab my bag, making sure Ding is in there
>we can’t lose our mascot
>run downstairs and see that the farmer and one of his farmhands are dead
>daughter is weeping in the corner
>Shovel and Vlad are taking the windows, screaming in Russian and Elvish respectively
>Lightskin and Bill are kneeling, marking on the map
>turns out we can go around back, cut through the forest, and follow the river, we could make it to this Dwarven keep a few days away
>tell Lightskin to grab the daughter, and I’ll get Shovel, Vlad, and the remaining farmhand
>crawl to them
>Shovel and the farmhand go to the others at the back door, but Vlad stays put
>”Vlad! Come on! We have to go!”
>he lowers himself to cover, and turns to me
>”I… cover you.” he says through his heavy accent
>It is the first time I have heard him even attempt English
>No. That is suicide!”
>he puts a hand on my shoulder, the smell of beets and vodka heavy in his breath
>”I stay. You go. Will follow.”
>choking back tears, we clasp forearms
>I turn and make it out the backdoor, the sound of a glorious RPK and the screaming of a Russian having the time of his life fading as the group makes it into the woods
>a few minutes later, hear an explosion, and then the gunfire stops


>have to keep moving, there is no time to mourn
>two days later, we make camp
>learn the name of the girl, Seri
>poor girl
>Lightskin and I are surveying the map to plan tomorrow’s trip to the Dwarf hold
>someplace named Neumagh
>apparently, the Dwarves there have been working with a group of mercenaries from my world
>some good news
>Shovel volunteers for first watch, so I get some rest
>wake up the next morning 
>smell sausage
>Lightskin waves from the campfire
>he and Shovel are cooking with some old messkits
>have a pretty great breakfast
>Seri is just staring at the fire
>Bill is teaching the farmhand how to clean his AK
>the kid can’t be more than twelve
>mfw we have a new child soldier
>ask him his name
>turns out he’s a mute
>of course
>as Bill is struggling to teach Mute, I turn away and sit next to Seri
>halflings are pretty small
>”So… how are you doing?”
>”My village is gone, my family is dead, and today is my birthday…”
>”Oh… happy birthday?”
>she kinda bites her lip and tries not to cry
>aw jeez


>”So, I take it you don’t really like Orcs. Lightskin over there hates them.”
>she kinda gives me this confused look
>”I don’t know, something about his dad leaving to buy a new pipe and never coming back.”
>hear her suppress a chuckle, hides it with a cough
>call over to Lightskin
>”Hey man! Tell me what you think of Orcs!”
>without even looking up from the pot he just calls out “Fuck’em.”
>grab a bowl of stew for Seri, it seems to help
>”Hey Anon, thanks.”
>”Y-you too.”
>man the camp is so quiet without Vlad
>about six hours of walking later, we made it to our destination
>Neumagh was, naturally, built into the side of a mountain
>the entrance was surrounded by a massive wall any American back home would be jealous of
>huge iron gates
>long cannons poking over the top of the wall
>beautiful
>as we approach, the gate opens and we are rushed in by heavily armored, and well armed, dwarves
>they had firearms, but not any I recognized
>they were made of wood and iron, and hummed with magic
>get taken to an oddly tall dwarf with an ornate, horned helmet


>”Who are you, and why did you come to Neumagh?”
>notice an AA-12 slung on his back
>”We came from Jackharf, which was overrun by an army of well armed, and organized, Orcs.”
>he grunts “So the reports were true.”
>”We are seeking aid in destroying this army, as they seem to be a common enemy.”
>he chuckles “Aye, you’re damned right about that. Lost several supply convoys already.”
>we end up talking for a few hours, even get a place to stay
>Dwarf cities are pretty incredible, carved from pure granite, if a little scaled down to humans
>got a few rooms in this Inn near a cluster of mines
>it turns out the city was looking for mercenaries to help with this issue anyway, so we’ll get paid
>sit on my stone bed
>room is pretty cramped, and the furniture is stone and metal, but it feels safe
>surprisingly, this hold was a rather industrious one 
>Dwarves being Dwarves, when they heard of this amazing mechanical weapon that popped up, they just had to get their hands on a few, and make their own
>it turns out digging too deep isn’t that dangerous when you can blast something with a twelve gauge
>they paid some humans very well for their firearms, and apparently those guys are living pretty well in this huge elven city that is pretty much New York, but with giant trees
>I hear a knock at my door and look away from watching Ding clean ammo
>Shovel is hunching as to not hit the roof
>”Hey Anon, I know someone who might be able to help us.”
>”Who?”
>he looks embarrassed
>”Some… extended family.”
>”Say no more. Need me to come along?”
>tells me he can handle it, and will try his best
>alrighty
>before he leaves, shows me this weird dwarf shovel he got that folds up and is seemingly steam powered
>nice


>go back to watching Ding
>she’s all dirty from the ammo
>if she were stained any greener she’d look like a small, redhead Lightskin
>stumbling and giving me this weird look 
>almost falls off the desk but I catch her
>dammit Ding
>why is my hand so wet?
>still giving me that weird look
>feels hot, like she’s running a fever
>maybe she’s sick, or the brass got her good?
>try and put her on the desk but she just holds onto my thumb
>sigh and put her in my pack, which is sitting next to the bed
>maybe she just needs a nap
>have a rough night on the stone bed
>Ding keeps making these weird grunting noises in her sleep

>the next few days were spent preparing for the siege
>scouts reported that the horde was gaining ground and numbers fast
>the hordes were armed with even more slavshit, and even crude siege engines that belched black smoke into the air
>they were now over five thousand strong, including what are apparently goblin slaves
>they seem to be constantly breeding them as cannon fodder
>fucking goblin breeding slaves
>massive carts just full of goblin death orgies
>including potential orc-goblin hybrids
>horrific
>they’re riding massive, armored dire wolves, and other horrific beasts
>this seems like it would be impossible to defeat
>Orcs are retarded though, so we have a chance
>they are dragging a massive metal fort, topped by a flaming, steel statue or an Orc war god
>just picture some of the more metal shit from Shadow of Mordor or Warhammer 40k
>then add the grimdarkness of Berserk
>then add every snatch in that caravan being forcibly stuffed with literal miles of dick to grow more soldiers 24/7
>truly horrific shit
>all of that moving towards Neumagh at a breakneck speed

>pick my jaw up off the war table 
>well fuck
>”So… how long is a Goblin’s gestation period? 6 months? 4?”
>Lightskin pulls a book out of his fanny pack, and flips through it “Anywhere from 3 days to a week.”
>fuck
>”Oh! They also take a week to mature! Fascinating!”
>okay Lightskin stop
>”It says right here that they can also breed with pretty much any sentient race…”
>stop
>it’s getting worse
>reach out and gently close his book
>turn to Governor Gwynne “So… what do we have?”
>he holds up a finger, drinking from a tankard of beer the size of my head
>patiently wait for him to dab his mouth with a napkin
>”NOW SEE HERE LADDY. WE ‘AVE THREE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED DWARVES, RILED UP AND NASTY. WE ‘AVE FORTY FIVE KILLDOZER TANKS, THIRTY ARTILLERY CANNONS, ARMS AND ARMOR FOR ALL! ALL WITHIN A MOUNTAIN, GUARDED BY A BIG FOOKIN’ WALL MADE OUT OF THE MOUNTAIN’S BONES AND REINFORCED WITH DWARVEN IRON!”
>he takes a deep breath
>”And we ‘ave a secret project, big enough to demolish that precious war idol ‘ave theirs.” 
>Okay
>I’m convinced

>we eventually decide on lining up out /k/illdozers, which are essentially dwarven mining rigs strapped with an ungodly amount of armor and 2 cannons, in front of the wall
>we dug a series of trenches leading up to our position, in record time I might add
>combine that with the preexisting defenses, and things were looking pretty good
>each of the cannons on the wall were pretty much dwarf recreations of WWI artillery guns
>just as we finished the final preparations of laying a minefield, we smelled it
>smoke, blood, semen, and cosmoline
>it was almost overwhelming, and as we looked at the horizon, we saw the sky being blotted out by black smoke
>holy shit
>as we all got in place, the smell got worse, as well as this maddening drumming
>as the forest was visibly destroyed, cutting a path straight to us, we could make out a massive statue of black metal, spewing flames and smoke into the sky
>the Orc War idol was nearly three hundred feet tall, and was dragged by many warbeasts and profane engines, tugged along with massive black chains
>all around me, I heard dwarves loading their weapons and swearing
>Gwynne approaches me on the wall, and hands me a long spyglass
>I sweep the enemy lines and swear
>they seem to have reached nearly eight thousand strong
>as I sweep the enemy lines, I see him
>an twelve foot tall orc, wearing a massive black crown, a cape made of stiched skin
>and a scorched Adidas track jacket.
>in his hands he hefts a .50 caliber machine gun, with a bayonet the size of a machete crudely welded to the barrel
>there he is, the leader of the horde
>he is standing at the foot of the war idol, surrounded by heavily armored Orcs holding crudely modified rifles

>as soon as the front lines entered range, we opened up with volleys of artillery, the sound, almost deafening
>In my pack, I could hear Ding moaning with each shot
>can’t say I blame her
>the Orcs returned fire, with cannons, catapults, and artillery of their own
>every few shots, a cannon or artillery gun exploded among the orcish lines
>our artillery is cutting through the charging goblin and Orc waves, which then hit the minefield
>the Dwaven walls shake with the impacts of enemy fire, and with the ground quakes from the shots of Dwarven artillery
>the charging Orcish troops hit the outermost trenches, tearing into Dwarven troops
>empty, smoking artillery shell casings pile on the walls
>the Dwarves in the trenches are fighting in a bloody melee as they almost literally drown in goblin and orc blood and bullets
>the siege engines hit the trenches, firing machine guns and flamethrowers on all within, dwarf and orc alike
>all on the walls have begun firing now, casings flying through the air and clattering on the ground in a din
>I look down at the battlefield and see the Orcish Warlord and his guard charging through the battlefield, trampling all in their way
>”ANON! GET DOWN!”
>I feel someone push me
>an orcish cannon lands a hit near my position, throwing me to the ground and making my ears ring
>I reach up and grab the ramparts, dragging myself into a sitting position
>who pushed me?
>I groggily look around and see him
>Bill is laying in a pool of blood where I was just standing, blown nearly completely in half
>his Nugget was discarded next to him
>Ding snaps me out of my shock by climbing onto my shoulder and biting my ear
>I jump and quickly check on her, her leg is hurt, but she seems fine
>”Get back in the bag friend. They might miss you.”
>she crosses her arms and shakes her head
>oh well
>leave her on my shoulder and drag myself upright to see over the wall
>things are going bad, we’re nearly broken


>but then, I hear something coming from the West
>are those horns?
>I hear warcries and horns blaring as riders crest a hill
>firing rifles and bows, howling and yelling, are elves
>they are wearing leather armor and have their faces covered in warpaint in bright reds and blues, feathers woven into their hair
>and riding a stag, leading the charge…
>fucking Shovel
>he lifts his shovel above his head as the elves slam into the Orcish flank
>distinctly hear him scream one word 
>”CHARRRRLIEEEE!!!”
>fucking Shovel
>hear more screaming behind me as even more dwarves, armor shiny and guns oiled, charged from the mountain, and through the great gates below me
>raise my FAL and begin firing into the Orcish tide
>drop my empty mag and load a new one, sliding the old mag into my pack to be reloaded by the trusty ammo fairy
>hear a great rumbling behind me
>massive, iron doors on the side of the mountain, stories above, slid open
>and a massive barrel poked out
>the barrel alone must have been a hundred feet long
>hear a great groaning as the cannon took aim at the Idol fortress
>drop my rifle and slam my hands over my ears as it fires
>the war idol is ripped from the fortress, and flung away in a crumpling ball of steel and flame
>the fortress tips backwards, and gets stuck at a 45 degree angle
>fucking dwarves and their secret weapons man


>five hours later, and the battle was won
>we walked the battlefield, saving wounded allies, and killing wounded enemies
>Lightskin found his dad, a fancy Elvish pipe clenched between his teeth
>I found the Warlord, now a bleeding, riddled torso with a head and arm barely attached
>he choked out something about how we are doing their war-god’s will
>I inform him of the /k/ube and nod at Shovel
>Shovel decapitates him and we take Vlad’s jacket back
>we found the breeding wagons, with pools of blood and semen forming beneath them, and promptly set them ablaze
>the screams of all within were a beautiful sound
>there was a lot of loot, and the Neumagh enjoyed the wealth of selling the scalps of thousands of Orcs
>the weapons were reclaimed, repaired, and sold to neighboring holds
>we lost Bill, Mute, and 1 thousand dwarven soldiers
>not too shabby
>to top it all off, we prevented the summoning of some apocalyptic Orcish war deity that would have consumed all life
>I stayed in the hold of Neumagh
>Lightskin became a scholar in some large city up North
>Shovel would stay with the Plains Elves he had gone with, turns out he had to marry the Chief’s daughter to get them to come
>even though they’re cousins
>he still hopes to find Charlie one day, and I wish him the best
>Mute and Seri stayed in Neumagh as well, they’re good neighbors
>Ding never leaves my side, especially with all the brass casings produced here
>finally, the war-fortress, Idol, and siege engines were all melted down and used to completely rebuild and upgrade the walls of Neumagh, the city of a thousand guns, which would stand for eternity

>”...stand for all eternit--”
>a sudden knock at my door makes me jump, nearly spilling my inkwell’s green contents all over my desk, but Ding catches it, wiping her brow with relief
>as the knocking continues, I call out 
>”Coming, coming, hold your horses…”
>I carefully put my quill down, and get up, crossing the stone floor to the door
>opening it reveals a tall dwarf, with most of his body’s left side made of whirring clockwork machinery, his AA-12 strapped to his back
>”Governor Gwynne, good to see you.”
>he gives a hearty laugh “And you, Anon.”
>I step aside and let him in, his metal foot clanging against the floor as he crossed to the low bed, taking a seat
>I grab my desk chair, pulling it over and sitting across from him
>”You seem to have recovered well.”
>he chuckles, reaching up and turning a key on his left shoulder
>”A year of rest can solve anything, it even gave you a beard worthy of a dwarf.”
>I reach up and run a hand through my beard, noticing the braids Ding snuck in while I slept
>”What can I say, the dwarf lifestyle is satisfying.”
>he nods
>”On to business. You have a visitor looking for you. A woman.”
>fucking shit if Janet tracked me all the way here for child support I’ll kill myself
>”Really? Did she give a reason why?”
>he nods
>”All she said was that she was searching for the Heroes of Neumagh, something about a job out West.”
>I raise my eyebrows
>”Here I was thinking that my adventuring days were behind me…”
>”She is waiting for you in the bar down the way, near the gunsmithing quarter.”

>he flips open a pocket watch, which may or may not power his left knee
>”Well, I ‘ave to go. Good luck Anon.”
>he waves a metal hand at Ding, and walks off to return to business
>looks like he isn’t the only one
>I stand, and look at myself in the mirror I have against the wall
>I’m wearing gray cargo pants, with a black tank and boots
>Ding did very well on the braids
>I reach up and run a hand through my shaggy, brown hair
>Jesus I got pale down here
>”Hey Ding, do I look presentable to you?”
>I see her give me a thumbs up in the mirror, and a weird look
>”Right, come on, we have business.”
>I strap my shotgun holster on, make sure I have my ammo fairy, and walk out the door
>the hold of Neumagh has had a period of prosperity since the /k/unt punch, as they had taken to calling the battle, and have become a large supplier of firearms and ammunition
>they produce so much ammo that I can practically feel Ding dripping on my shoulder from the scent of brass  and gunpowder in the air
>eventually make my way to the front of a large tavern, carved into the rock like everything else down here
>I enter, and the noise of drunk, partying dwarves and a piano fill my ears
>I immediately see her, the only one in the bar who is taller than me, sitting at the bar
>she turns as I approach, standing
>she’s a tall, blonde-headed elf dressed like she just walked off the set of a Clint Eastwood western
>cowboy hat, spurred boots, cut off jeans, a flannel shirt, and a poncho
>damn she’s hot
>her hair was in a tight braid, like how Ding wears hers, and freckles dot her face
>what in the world have I just gotten into
>around her curvaceous waist is a gun belt, with two heavily engraved Colt Peacemakers holstered on it, and glittering with shiny brass shells

>”So, you know where I can find the Heroes of Neumagh?”
>she’s badly mimicking a country drawl, her elf accent cutting through
>shrug and point a thumb at myself
>”I’m Anon, the only one that stayed.”
>she looks me up and down, and sighs
>”I guess you’ll do…”
>bitch what does that mean
>”So, are we going to talk business?”
>we end up sat at a table in the corner of the tavern
>there’s some Elf settlement out West which is being harassed by Lizardmen
>something about a swamp near the settlement being their hiding spot
>when I asked why she needed me, and not just some regular mercenaries
>she says the leader of the settlement, her boss, requested the famed mercenaries of Neumagh
>”So, how is the pay?”
>she reaches into a pouch on her belt, and placed several expensive looking gems on the table
>”This is the downpayment, ya get the rest after ya finish the job.”
>reach out, taking the gems in my hand and rolling them around, inspecting them in the dim light
>damn, this could be worth it
>sigh
>”It could be a fun trip, I guess…”
>pocket the gems 
>”You have a deal.”

>we go back to my room so I can grab my gear, and pack for this trip
>as I put the key in the door, the one across the hall opens
>”Hey Anon.”
>I turn around and catch Seri standing in the doorway of her apartment
>the halfling was holding a baby, a little boy named Vlad, after the man who saved her
>turns out she and Bill fucked like animals the night before the /k/unt punch
>thought I heard weird moaning
>thought it was just Ding schlicking in my pack
>I keep finding sticky .22 lr rounds
>little temptress
>keeps braiding my pubes and beard while I sleep
>anyway, the elf, who I would find out is named Loreli, had to hunch to get around
>Ding keeps giggling at her from my shoulder
>”Hey Seri, I’m going traveling for a few months.”
>”Oh, okay. Here I was hoping you could come over to eat with us.”
>I chuckle
>”Don’t worry, I’ll visit when I return.”
>I go into my room and pack my gear, taking my FAL out of the gun safe that had been built into the wall
>damn I’ll miss this comfy little room
>it’ll be interesting to sleep on something other than stone for once
>as I leave my apartment I catch Loreli and Seri talking
>Seri’s essentially telling her to get me home safe
>a few minutes later we are leaving the hold, the sunlight forcing me to pull on some darkened goggles I have
>I really need to get upside more often

>follow her to the stables, near the entrance to the wall
>the wall, made out of the black metal used by the Orcs to build their machines and equipment, stood nearly five stories high, and was topped with cannons
>madeNeumaghgreatagain.jpg
>buried the bones of our enemies under it
>it’s just the small things in life
>follow her swaying hips to a large covered wagon, pulled by two white horses
>really
>a covered wagon?
>look at her and say “Do you like Westerns or something?”
>she stutters, blushes, and replies “N-no! I don’t like filthy human contraband films about f-filthy, strong, cowbo--”
>she cuts herself off and jumps up onto the driver’s seat, taking the reins in her hand and patting the spot next to her
>chuckle and hoist myself up, turning and putting my pack in the wagon, Ding fluttering out holding an empty casing, sitting on my shoulder
>she chatters in her fairyspeak and kisses my cheek
>Loreli hears her, and blushes, clearing her throat
>what the fuck did she say
>ask Loreli
>she doesn’t want to repeat something “so lewd”
>this is my life now
>later that night, we stop to camp, sleeping in the back of the wagon
>flip a coin to decide first watch, making me first
>Loreli laughs at me, and goes into the wagon, leaving me by the campfire
>I remember the last time I took watch, and deathgrip my FAL
>it does look like a year of living underground gave me some good eyesight at night
>”See anything Ding?”
>turn my eye to see her shake her head on my shoulder
>I sigh, turning around and peeking into the wagon, seeing Loreli laying in some white nightgown on the floor of the wagon
>damn
>even asleep, her hand automatically raises and points a revolver at me, causing me to jerk away and close the canopy
>fuck that

>I would later find out her revolvers were enchanted, including one that quote “Protects me from filthy perverted humans who want to lewd me while I sleep.”
>they also have an enchantment to lessen recoil
>not bad, I guess
>I would have gotten a self cleaning enchantment on my sawn-off, but I feel like Ding would have been offended
>a week later, we’re all pretty used to the routine
>apparently, we’re still a month or so away
>still have those Elf nudie mags I got from those goblins over a year ago
>here’s hoping I never have to explain that
>just have to keep her out of my pack
>haven’t had any alone time in too long
>we eventually found this river, so I decided to go for a swim
>scrubbed a week’s worth of filth off of me
>look around
>all alone
>reach down to dick
>hear rustling in the reeds to my right
>I’m fine if it’s Ding
>I quickly found out it wasn’t Ding

>A giant fucking crayfish launches out of the reeds
>I shriek and grab it by the pincers
>a leg lashes out at my face and cuts me above my right eyebrow
>fucking
>grunt as I raise my arms and smash it against a rock on the riverbank
>doesn’t do shit
>tries to clamp it’s claws on my face
>grabs my beard
>owowowow
>Loreli comes running and stands near the trees about 30 feet away
>shouts for me to hold still and aims a revolver
>NOPLEASENO
>the thing’s freaky fucking mouth is trying for my hand
>I slip and it clamps down on my left pinkie
>”FUCKINGSHOOTIT!”
>BANG
>one of the thing’s eyes explode and it curls up
>pull away, losing most of my beard and my left pinkie
>shout and throw the thing onto the bank
>Loreli is staring at me, mouth agape
>look down
>adrenaline has made me rock hard
>cover myself with my hands as she goes back to camp muttering something about “the rumors are true”
>pull my clothes back on best I can with a missing finger
>tie elastic from my sock around finger to stop bleeding
>come back to camp covered in blood, smelling like shellfish, and carrying a giant crayfish’ corpse
>Loreli won’t make eye contact
>Dink helps by stitching cut over eyebrow 
>cauterize finger stump with cooking pot
>cook some delicious crayfish stew

>a week later, we are driving the wagon down a dusty trail, surrounded by flatlands on all sides
>I reach up and attempt to run a hand through my beard, only to touch my bare chin
>sigh
>old habits die hard
>”So, what’s this settlement like?”
>she flicks a cigarette bud onto the side of the road
>”Dusty, empty, pretty boring.”
>”So like in an old western?”
>see her eyes light up for a second “Yeah!”
>she clears her throat, blushing
>”Go on then, tell me more.”
>she offers me a cigarette, which I take and light with the zippo Shovel gave me as a parting gift
>”Better dead than green” was etched into the side
>I miss you, Shovel
>hope your cousin-wife treats you well
>she shrugs “It’s a work in progress, and could be a pretty large city someday.”
>I grunt, taking a drag on the cigarette “It’s certainly out of the way.” 
>she starts to reply, but then stops, staring ahead
>I follow her eyes and see a man standing on the side of the road
>he has his hand out, his thumb up
>he was tall, thin, and old, with a gray goatee
>he wore thin rimmed glasses and a brown suit, complete with a fedora
>as we pull up next to him, I put my hand on my sawn-off
>notice the SVT-40 slung over one shoulder
>he’s human
>he clears his throat, then speaks in a raspy Oxford accent
>”H-hello, good sir. Madame. My horse has expired, and I was wondering if I could ride on your wagon until the next village.”
>he points down the way, where a dead horse lay
>ask him his name
>”Alexander D. Derrings, writer and professor of cultural anthropology, at your service.”
>he takes a bow
>okay fancypants

>”One more thing. Could you please help me get my saddlebags off of my deceased steed?”
>after I help him get his heavy bags, which were full of books, we all climb aboard the wagon, with me sitting with Alexander in the back, just in case
>peek at Lordeli’s butt 
>by the /k/ube those jean shorts
>and the stitching on those holsters
>turn my eyes to my hands as Alexander turns back to me, with a large notebook in his hand
>”Good sir, may I ask the names of my saviors?”
>uuugh
>”I’m Anon, Daisy Dukes over there is Loreli, and…”
>Ding flits over onto my shoulder, chewing a small piece of jerky
>”This is Ding the Ammo Fairy.”
>Alexander pulls a magnifying glass out of his pocket and starts inspecting Ding
>”OH MY! REMARKABLE!”
>Ding fucking hisses and covers herself with her hands
>flies around the back of my head and hides by grabbing my hair
>Alexander blinks, leaning back “I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle the little miss…”
>reach back and cup my hand around Ding to calm her down
>purrs and licks my hand
>okay
>”I think she’ll be fine.”
>he breathes a sigh of relief
>”Thank goodness. May I ask a favor?”
>”Shoot.”
>”You see, I am here to write a book about the various cultures in this world. That is why I came here.”
>that’s actually pretty neat
>”So… you want to ask us about the cultures we have encountered here.”
>“Well, yes. I was hoping to meet a dwarf, admittedly.”
>tell him I can handle it, I’m pretty much an honorary dwarf anyway
>I begin “So it all started when my whore wife took the kids…”

>after I was done telling him of my adventures, he asked Loreli about Elves
>it took three hours to explain “love slaves” and “forest feast rituals” 
>elf culture is something else
>turns out, Elves don’t have kids too often
>I had assumed this was due to long life equalling a lowered need to reproduce
>I was half right
>she wouldn’t tell the other reason
>says humans wouldn’t understand
>ask Alexander if I could look at his rifle
>”But of course my good sir!”
>this thing has never been cleaned
>never
>”Hey fancy pants, where did you get this?”
>tells me he “purchased it from a young man for use of protection while exploring this new frontier”
>somehow has never needed to fire it
>I think any monsters just avoided him so he wouldn’t bother them with all the talking
>or he’s lucky

>a few weeks later, and we finally saw some structures on the horizon
>good, we were running low on food anyway
>told Alexander we might just eat him
>Ding actually might, come to think of it
>the wagon pulls up in front of an inn at the edge of town
>Loreli says we should get situated, and go see her boss
>Alexander takes a bow
>”Thank you, good sir. Madame.”
>no problem
>”But, might I ask another favor?”
>oh god what now
>”You see, I am very low on coin, and was wondering if I could stay in your company, until things improve. Besides, it sounds like anything worth writing about will happen around you!”
>sigh
>look at Loreli
>she looks back
>shrug
>”Why not? Welcome aboard.”
>we got some rooms, Loreli even got a discount
>oh I see it’s because I’m a round ear
>currentyear.jpg
>get into my room
>just like everything else, it felt like a western, just with some Elf aesthetics
>set my pack down, and pull off my vest and shirt
>carefully lean rifle next to bed
>finally
>sleep

>moment I close my eyes I hear a knock at the door
>groan
>why is it always when I’m trying to sleep?
>get up, and cross to the door
>I open it to find Loreli stood there
>”Anon, we’re going to go see my boss, remember?”
>oh right
>pull on my shirt, realize I almost slept with my shotgun and boots on again, and go, making sure my door is locked
>ain’t no fuckers stealing my FAL
>I’d burn this fucker down
>as we approach Alexander’s door, we hear loud, British, snoring
>hear him say “oooooh Tabitha yes lick my toes”
>we decided to let him sleep
>a few minutes later, we were walking down the dusty road that goes through town
>lit by weird magic streetlights that look like green fire on top of tall poles
>buildings are made out some kind of off-white wood
>otherwise, looks like an old wild west town
>I wonder if that’s the theme
>end up in front of some fancy building at the center of town
>cute elf girl in a maid outfit answers the door
>chuckle as Ding grumbles in my shoulder
>we get taken up to an office
>see some pretty nice paintings on the walls
>big desk covered in weird magic equipment
>and sitting behind the counter is what I can only describe as Colonel Sanders the Elf
>as we walk in, hear gunshots and the whooping of Native Americans
>he quickly hides a laptop under his desk and tries to act casual, twirling his moustache
>”Ahhh, heeeelllo there. You must be the illustrious Hero of Neumagh.”
>oh great, more over the top accents
>is this just a town of Elfaboos
>and who started calling me a hero
>he stands, walking around the desk and extends his hand to me
>”I am Aldrekelos Frivoli Manda Saunders the Third. Charmed.”
>I shake his hand “Anon… the first.”
>he smiles 
>”I trust my beloved daughter and yourself had a fine trip?” he says as he give my hand a good squeeze
>oh I see
>”Y-yes. We had a good trip.”
>he smiles even wider, showing unnaturally white teeth, seeming almost predatory
>”Now, on to business, shall we?”
>nod, and take a seat across from him at the desk
>”Now, mister Anon, what do you know of Lizardfolk?”
>I admit that I don’t know shit
>”Well, they have been attacking our fine little settlement from their home in the swamps to the South. We would like to have them… dealt with.”
>ask him about their numbers, weaknesses, etc
>can’t hardly tell me shit
>thanks boss
>hear Ding chatter on my shoulder, and Saunders looks confused
>”She wants her cut in brass? ‘That good shit?’, as she said?”
>didn’t know she even got a cut
>look at Ding, who shrugs and winks
>”Well, I think she could be asking if you would give us some ammunition for the job?”
>”Well, we cannot just give our wares away for free, but I can give you a thirty percent discount at our General Store, and Weaponsmith.”
>okay, that’s pretty good
>we finish discussing the job, pay, etc, and I am free to go

>on the way back to the Inn, I stop by the general store
>they’re close to closing, so I’m hoping for a last minute sale
>door makes a ringing noise as I walk in
>instead of an elf calling from behind the bar, I hear a gruff, deep voice
>”HALLO THERE LADDY WHAT THE FOOK DO YE WANT?”
>oh shit nigger
>a dwarf
>we shoot the shit for awhile, with Loreli tapping her foot impatiently
>”AH SO YE WANT SOME FOOKIN’ BULK .308, REAL FOOKIN’ NATO?”
>”AYE YES I WANT THE REALEST FOOKIN’ NATO!”
>he slams a large box on the table, 200 rounds 
>”WILL THIS FOOKIN’ DO IT?”
>open box and roll a few rounds around in my hand
>”AYE THAT’S THE GOOD SHIT.”
>end up buying 200 rounds, totally forgot about my discount
>”AYE YOU COME BACK LATER LADDY!”
>”SEE YOU LATER FOOKIN’ ROCKMUNCHER!”
>heartydwarvenlaughter
>Loreli is just staring, dumbfound
>we leave, and make it back to the Inn
>pass the fuck out until morning, snuggling my ammo

>the next day, I met up with Loreli and Alexander in the local bar
>some weird Elf piano was playing in the corner
>everyone was either wearing traditional Elf garb or generic wild west gear
>revolvers and levergats everywhere
>I could get used to this place
>after some dainty elf wine, served in shot glasses, we decided to investigate the swamp to the South
>pull Ding away from her shot glass and put her on my shoulder
>she drunkenly starts chattering into my ear
>Loreli overhears and turns as red as a tomato
>to the swamp!
>it’s within walking distance, so we get there within two hours
>disgusting swamp, with a few inbred looking elves milling about in a cluster of shacks
>approach one
>”Hey buddy, is there anyone with a boat we could rent?”
>says something in inbred elf chatter, and spits on the ground
>a few elves eyeing up Loreli
>a few elves eyeing up Alexander
>okay let’s just go
>we decide to walk

>the trek through the swamp is shitty, but it beats swamp person rape
>wading knee deep, holding our firearms above water
>tell Ding to stay in the pack because one mosquito could probably kill her
>hear Alexander jump at every sound 
>”Oh dear, what the devil was that?”
>Loreli pipes up “Swamp gas. Calm down.”
>five minutes later, feel something bump my leg
>fuckfuckfuck
>”Guys, we should get on an island. There is something in here.”
>Alexander coughs nervously, sweeping the water to our right
>”I just saw something.”
>we stop, holding still
>slowly turn my head
>holy fucking shit dude
>see the tops of like 8 reptilian heads popping out of the muck
>eyes locked on us
>”Okay. Nobody. Move. A. Muscle. Their vision may be based on movement.”
>8 lizard men slowly rise from the much, holding spears and bows
>okay
>maybe they don’t see us
>they start charging
>THEY SEE US
>turn and open fire with my FAL
>Alexander yelps and fires a shot into a tree to the right of the lizards
>Loreli opens fire with both revolver
>we drop about 3 by the time they’re halfway to us
>suddenly, gunfire hits the remaining lizards from behind
>hear a heavily accented voice shout “YOO DAMN LEEZARDS RUININ MAH SWAMP!”
>see an airboat boat pull around some trees, an M60 mounted on the front firing
>see a human hillbilly with a massive beard and a straw hat on the gun, and what looks like a walking tree driving the boat
>we gun the lizards the fuck down

>the boat glides up to us, the M60 barrel smoking
>hillbilly looks down at us, and gives a toothless smile
>”OOOOH WEE. REBECCA IS GONNA BE HAPPY WE GOT SOME GUESTS!”
>who the fuck is Rebecca
>who the fuck are you
>”Uh, hey. Who are you?”
>”I is oooooolld Tomathan, and I live in this here swamp! I hate Lizards!”
>he points at the tree, who is collecting the bodies of the Lizardfolk “That there is mah buddy, Lynch! He doesn’t talk much.”
>okay
>”Listen here folks, I like you and the way you kill Lizards! This here swamp gets tricky after sundown, would you like to stay for dinner?”
>fuck it
>if this is a trap we could just kill him
>the ride on the boat is fun
>its been too long since I smelled gasoline
>we glide up to an island, with Lizardfolk corpses hanging from nearby trees
>a giant sign was nailed to the front of what looked like an 18th century mansion
>it simply read “FUCK YOU LIZARDS” in lines of christmas lights
>”I like the decor, Tom.”
>”Whyyyy thank you! I couldn’t have set it all up without Lynch!”
>look over and see Lynch hanging the corpses from several trees using vines snipped from his own body
>so that’s where he got his name
>Tom leads us into the house “REBECCA! WE HAVE GUESTS!”
>something like 20 kids came running from the bowels of the house, grabbing onto Tom and Lynch
>they were all pale green, and had short tusks
>oh fuck
>a ten foot tall Orc woman in an apron and only an apron entered the room, her hair up in a beehive hairdo
>cigarette in her mouth
>holding a baby in each arm, just casually breastfeeding them

>it turns out Tom lived in the middle of the Louisianna swamps
>this house had been in the family since before the Civil War
>one day, there was a thunderclap, and the house was here, in this swamp
>he had met Lynch when he had killed several Lizard men who tried to break into his house
>met Rebecca when they had met in the swamp
>she had been wrestling lizard men and giant gators
>it was love at first sight
>she had reminded him of his long-gone sister
>when they got back to the estate, they rutted for something like 72 hours
>respect
>I tell him I’m here to eliminate the Lizards
>he gets happier than a South Carolina farmer with twin daughters
>”OOOOH WEEE! I KNOW WHERE THEIR DAMNED NIGGER CAMP IS! FOLLOW ME!”
>follow him around back to the storm cellar
>he has an entire armory down there
>AKs, M16s, an anti-tank rifle
>he has 2 more boats around back
>crates of gray uniforms
>his kids charge downstairs with us, and start dressing in the gray coats and hats
>arm themselves
>Rebecca comes down, still only wearing an apron, and picks up the anti-tank rifle
>I have a child soldier army
>we all pile into the boats, with Tom and his wife in the front
>Lynch drives a boat full of the kids, while the rest sit in my boat with my team
>is this really happening?

>deep in the swamp, I see the light of campfire
>smell smoke and…
>what the fuck is that?
>as we pull up to the island, I witness the lizards
>they were in a massive ritual orgy in the middle of camp
>they had built what looked like a lizard burning-man 
>they were in a huge, undulating pile amongst the campfires, cramming both dicks into any open hole they could find
>several strange beasts, appearing like a cross between a gator and a squid participate, squeezing tentacles into anything
>they’re eating any that die during the orgy
>occasionally, a jet of semen fired into the air
>okay we’re slaughtering this shit
>surround the camp
>notice Loreli fidgeting
>are those blackberries I smell?
>we wait until Tom jumps up in a shack
>”KILL THE LIZARD NIGGERS! THE SOUTH WILL RIIIIIISE AGAIN!”
>it was a fucking slaughter
>Nanjing ain’t got no shit on this
>move from shack to shack, slaughtering all within
>see half-orc children tearing into and eating the dead, even their own
>end it by burning the entire village to the ground

>go back to the estate, and sit with everyone at a massive table that looked like it was cut from one of the massive swamp trees
>Rebecca puts down trays of cooked gator and giant crawdad gumbo
>flashbacks
>it was pretty great
>Tom and Rebecca eventually went upstairs to replace the children they lost
>hear them rutting, the house shaking
>Loreli is still fidgeting
>weird
>get my own room, and set my gear down
>climb into bed 
>hear a weird grunting coming from my pack
>roll over and open top
>Ding is gettin busy with a .22lr
>by the /k/ube
>winks at me
>licks the bullet
>close my pack, too tired to deal with this shit
>ignore her indignant squeal
>sigh
>roll back over, open pack, and pick up the sticky ammo fairy
>smells like brass and powder
>her pale skin is almost stained green
>just lay her on the pillow and rub her back with my pinkie until she falls asleep
>ammo fairies are not for lewd
>poke her little butt out of curiosity
>noice
>sigh and roll over, try to sleep
>hear Loreli moaning on the other side of the wall
>smell pine and blackberries
>this is going to be a long trip
>dream of elf sex and ammunition 
>/k/ube help me

>jolt awake to gunfire outside
>kick down door and charge out with shotgun in hand 
>Loreli and Alexander bump into me in the hall, and we charge out front
>see Tom shooting 
>there’s like twelve dead lizard folk dead on the shore of the island
>”GOTT DAMM LIZARD NIGGERS STAY OFF MAH ISLAND!”
>take cover behind a refrigerator just laying in the yard with Loreli while Alexander cowers, having forgotten his ammo
>fire at the retreating lizardfolk
>what the fuck 
>we killed you fuckers

>turns out there are like 2 other camps out there in the swamp, and possibly an even bigger lizard city
>so we only killed a lizard orgy town
>are you serious
>they have those?
>okay, child soldiers are fine and all, but we need more than them to deal with this
>we all sat down at the table, and attempted to come up with a plan
>we could make an alliance with the swamp elves, and maybe Rebecca could call on some of her cousins
>I asked Lynch if he knew any trees that could help us
>he just stared at me, then opened a pabst blue ribbon beer, and took a long drink
>So, Rebecca took a boat, and left to go see her family, while Tom, Loreli and I took another to go see the swamp Elves
>Alexander and Lynch stayed at the Estate, to watch the kids
>after about an hour of riding, we made it to the settlement of the swamp elves
>they were waiting, mossberg shotguns and levergats at the ready
>turns out, they fucking love Tom, who sold them most of their guns
>we were given jars of moonshine, and taken to their patriarch
>all we had to do was say “Want to kill the Lizards?” And share a drink with him
>the swamp elves were tired of the Lizard folk’s shit anyway
>we coordinated, and made a plan to strike one of the larger camps, with Tom’s child army backing us up
>gave us a radio frequency ot contact them with when all things were ready
>Tom had an old HAM radio, which is how he communicates with others
>motherfucker why didn’t we just call them?
>he forgot the frequency
>motherfucking Tom

>a few days later, and all things were ready
>I had my hillbilly army, and a tribe of Orcs on the way
>found the site of the largest Lizard camp
>as Tom was gathering his child soldiers, we heard engines in the distance, and saw the Swamp Elves
>they were riding boats painted to look like they belonged on nascar, and sounded the part
>their main boat looked like a large trailer being dragged by jetskiis
>they were loaded down with levergats, shotguns, and other trailer part impliments
>we gathered our troops on what boats we had, and radioed the Orcs
>the only reply was “WE MEET YOU THERE.” and the sounds of a fight, or an orgy
>okay
>3 hours later, we found our way to this Lizardtown
>it had been built on the deck of a fucking oil tanker
>how the fuck did that get there
>thankfully, the engines were gone, along with the whole back end of the tanker, and it was sitting on a mud island
>we made landfall and charged, with half of the boats circling the island, firing on the tanker
>it was fucking hillbilly D-day
>Loreli and I charged with the main force, hearing nothing but screams, gunshots, andshouts of “THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN”
>Alexander stayed on the main swampelf boat as our radio operator
>when the troops pierced the defenses of the tanker, I heard it
>the roar of orcs
>I looked out a porthole and saw them
>they were rowing away from a massive paddleboat, which had begun firing cannons and mounted machine guns at the lizardniggers
>the battle was over within the hour

>would even get the skin of the Lizardperson Matriach
>the orcs took plenty of eggs for eating, plenty of dead too
>we all went back to the paddleboat to celebrate and fire cannons at the barge for fun
>must’ve hit a gas or oil tank because the thing exploded
>I’m sure the swamp will be fine
>met Rebecca’s sisters at the victory feast
>all 4 of them
>turns out, I was well known to Orcs, both to be feared and admired as a great warrior
>and to orcs that was desirable 
>I ended up getting dragged into bedroom by them during the post-feast celebration orgy
>I almost died
>experienced things no human man has likely ever experienced before
>I hope I don’t have to pay child support
>I hope my pelvis isn’t broken
>the next morning, woke up in bed with 2 orc women and Loreli, with Ding sleeping on my forehead 
>never underestimate orc beer
>NEVER
>the swampelves, orcs, and Tom would eventually start a new town around the Estate
>they’ll no doubt fuse into a weird swampelf-orcling race in a hundred years
>especially with how all 3 groups view incest
>can’t decide if this will be beautiful or become a ticking timebomb

>eventually make it back to Saunder’s Glenn, the Elf Settlement
>waltz right into Saunder’s office and lay the matriarch skin on his desk
>he looks at me, surprised
>all in a day’s work
>well like a week
>more than a week?
>Saunders laughs “Well, time for your pay.”
>he reaches under his desk, and places a wooden box in front of me
>I open it, expecting gems, gold, nudie mags
>a single shot, .45 long Colt Derringer
>Ivory handle with a blue gem set in it
>odd engravings on the barrel
>next to it is a box of ammunition
>what the fuck is this
>he jumps a little as I pick it up
>”What have you just given me?”
>he sputters “I-it holds more value than this town, it’s the collateral!”
>ask him what the fuck it means
>Loreli steps forward, telling me to engravings are a spell
>”Annihilation”
>apparently draws magical energy from the user, but can only be fired once every 72 hours, as the draw of any more would kill any 
>essentially, if it shoots anything with mana in it, it causes the mana to explode and completely destroy the target
>I picture it like the “you’re already dead” kills from Fist of the North Star
>the enchantment was created during an ancient war between elves and mana elementals
>makes sense, I guess

>I ended up staying in Saunder’s Glenn for 3 months after that
>ended up being well known after that, among the townsfolk
>made sure to drink with the General Store Dwarf, Billiam Hoefoot
>why is he called Hoefoot?
>because he used to be a pimp
>I ended up making a deal with him to work as a guard for a caravan he was driving up North 
>as I was loading up, I felt a tap on my shoulder, and turned to see Loreli toss her bags in the cart with mine
>she just smiles and climbs in 
>smile, and hop in after her
>as the wagon pulled away, I hear a shout
>”Waaait for me!”
>look out the back and see Alexander sprinting after us, a hug case in his hands
>tosses the case in the back, and I grab his hand, hoisting him in
>he gasps for a few seconds
>”I cannot believe you two devils tried to leave without me!”
>I stare at him and burst out laughing
>you know, it’s good to have a team again

>three months later, we were making our way through the frozen tundras and forests, far up North
>Alexander sneezes, his nose bright red, as he sips his hot tea
>he pulled the furs tighter around him, shivering
>I pull my own fur cloak tighter around me
>I jealously look over at Loreli, still in her tied flannel and daisy dukes
>all she needed was that poncho
>told me she’s half snow elf
>her dad did have pretty white hair
>Ding was able to snuggle up in my pack, all warm in my extra socks
>I had regrown my beard, so my mouth was warm at least
>hear Hoefoot, up on the driver’s seat, grumbling about it being “as cold as my ex wife’s heart”
>I feel you bro
>fuck you Janet
>the cart stops
>”AH SHITE! FOOKIN’ WAGON!”
>wh-
>wagon suddenly lurches, causing Alexander to spill his tea and Loreli to fall forwards onto me
>OWBONYELBOWS
>PAIN
>feel her knee grind into my cock
>great now I’m in confusing pain
>so the wheel just got stuck in the ice
>get out and help Hoefoot push
>for a guy who’s barely three feet, he’s fucking strong
>get back in
>cup crotch and groan
>Loreli blushes
>offers to use some healing magic
>decline
>would have accepted, but it’s cold out, so…

>a week later, we make it to a set of massive, log walls, with an huge gate, reinforced with iron
>as we approach, a massive man with a white beard, and dressed like a viking opens the gate
>now when I say massive, I mean he would have made Ivan look like a dwarf
>”This is a Frost Giant tribe.”
>look at Loreli
>”Huh?”
>”They’re very distant relatives to elves, and dwarves.”
>neat
>see Alexander attempt to write it down, but is shivering too hard
>these guys are really damn innawoods
>respect
>the wagon pulls up near a longhouse, and we get unload 
>when we’re done, we get some rooms in a huge inn
>the room I got was huge, apparently the frost giants can grow from around seven feet to
>well I don’t know when they stop growing
>we finally made it
>some wolves almost got us a month back
>I pat my pack 
>”Okay Ding, we’re in a warm place now.”
>she pokes her head out, and flutters onto my shoulder
>she reaches up and touches the scar above my brow
>yeah, I’m glad no more shellfish tried to eat me too
>I turn to the desk near my huge bed, and begin setting out my weapons and ammo
>my FAL
>the knife I got a lifetime ago
>my shorty
>and the Annihilator

>I stretch as Ding kisses my cheek and flies to the desk, starting to organize everything
>I hear a knock at the door, and go to answer
>”Hey Loreli.”
>I step aside so she can enter, and Ding waves at her
>”Alexander is sick, so I was going to go see about buying him some medicine. Do you want to come?”
>”Yeah, one sec.”
>put an extra log on the fire so Ding won’t freeze, and slide my shorty into my holster
>open carry is so much fun
>we made it out, and began walking down the cobblestone road
>this place is nice, very Norse
>maybe the vikings encountered the frost giants?
>found ourselves outside an apothecary
>good thing she reads Frost Giant
>apparently it’s very similar to snow elf
>we find a native root that helps with colds
>as we’re walking back to the Inn, she is about to say something, but her medallion suddenly buzzes
>a parting gift from her father, it buzzes in response to danger
>I can still remember the way it buzzed before that wolf lunged out of the shadows
>I feel my stomach drop as an explosion rips the air
>the village is under attack 
>everywhere
>I 
>visit
>grab Loreli and throw us into cover as one of the doors of the gate smashes into the cobblestone where we were standing
>”How did you-”
>”Dwarves drop tools all the time.”
>as I say that, I see a fucking skeleton tokyo drift around the corner, bare footbones sliding on the cobblestones
>it starts firing a damn AK at us
>duck back behind cover, and it charges us
>pop out and fire my shorty into its ribcage
>skelly flies apart as it’s torso is turned to powder
>more skeletons sprint around the corner, so Loreli and I make a break for the Inn, firing behind us the whole time
>she’s getting some great headshots
>we’re almost there when we hear a warcry

>I look behind us and see a huge frost giant
>it’s wearing crude, iron armor and a red tabbard
>in its hands is a massive axe
>now this thing must be twenty feet tall
>steam billows around it’s head as it breathes, white beard blowing in the wind, horned helmet standing tall
>Loreli raises her revolvers and fires into its chest
>the rounds ding off his armor, and even when they strike exposed muscle, it barely flinches
>as it begins to charge, roaring, I hear a noise above us
>I look up and see Ding flutter out an open window, and drop something
>I snatch the Annihilator from the air, and check the chamber
>loaded
>the Frost Giant is about fifty feet away as I aim
>I feel a warm rush in my arm, hand almost burning as the weapon sucks magic from me
>FIRE MOTHERFUCKER
>a bullet fires, crackling with bright purple energy
>it flies, roaring through the air
>and hits the giant’s exposed thigh as it raises it’s axe to smash me
>it looks down at the leg, and begins to laugh, raising the axe to end me
>it pauses, a confused look flashing onto its face
>the frost giant drops his axe behind him, shattering cobblestones as he grabs at his chest
>he lets out a gasp, then explodes into a red mist, his armor falling to the ground

>”HOLY SHIT ANON!”
>turn around, my entire front half spray painted red, Loreli is staring, wide eyed
>reach up and wipe blood from my eyes
>”Did I get him?”
>shake my head
>turns out sucking out your mana to power a weapon makes you pretty damn woozy
>who knew?
>Ding flutters down onto my shoulder, shivering
>”Thanks Ding.”
>hear another sound above us
>Alexander sticks his head out of a window and sneezes
>”Did I miss something?”
>the Frost giants eventually routed the attack
>apparently, this rival tribe has been attacking
>though, this is the first time they’ve used undead
>turns out I killed one of the tribe’s finest fighters
>gave me his helmet as a trophy
>too big to wear, so I just set it on my desk when I get back in my room after visiting a bathhouse they built on a hot spring
>took Ding, she needed to thaw a bit
>when I took the casing out of the Annihilator, it was blued, and shimmered
>I think Ding actually orgasmed when I gave it to her
>I catch her when she goes limp and falls off the desk
>she’s drooling and licking this casing
>brass=happy fairy
>brass saturated in pure mana=euphoric fairy
>neat

>after setting Ding down, and wiping off my hand, I decide to go check on Alexander
>walk in on Loreli trying to force feetd him what look like blue potatoes
>”JUST EAT AND YOU’LL GET BETTER!”
>”GET OFF ME YOU DEVIL WOMAN THOSE SMELL LIKE THE QUEEN’S CRUSTY BLOOMERS!”
>Loreli turns to me “Anon! Hold him down!”
>what the fuck
>”Loreli, the apothecary said to cook them first.”
>she stops trying to jam an entire frozen potato down Alexander’s throat, and looks at me
>”Oh.”
>we ended up getting them stewed in the kitchen downstairs
>smelled pretty good, Alexander scarfed them down like a Chris Chan devouring his Orange Fanta “milkshakes
>by the end of the day, he was right as rain

>”So, not only is this tribe fighting an opposing tribe, but they are also fighting reanimated corpses! Remarkable!”
>Alexander is flipping through his book, jotting down information
>”Uh, you okay bud?”
>”By Jove! My novel is getting even better by the second!”
>he’s kind of scary when he gets like this
>see him flip past a page with sketches of Loreli, Ding, and me
>damn, that’s pretty good
>he even got Loreli’s hips
>those wide Elven hips
>where was I?
>”My good man, when you folks pulled up beside me during my time of need, I never imagined I would get such a chance to write!”
>says this will sell so well in the old world
>ask him how things were going back there
>Orcs were mass migrating into Europe
>”Oh so like the sand niggers?”
>Yes, like the sand-negroes.”
>Loreli asks what a sand nigger is
>”They’re like these dirty desert people who rape everything.”
>”So, they’re like Orcs.”
>”Yes but normies love them and their culture.”
>”That doesn’t seem logical.”
>”Yeah, something about feelings over facts.”

>a week later, we’re helping watch the gate while it’s rebuilt
>those fuckers hit it pretty hard
>looks like some kind of explosion or spell 
>both doors flew across the entire village
>a pile of shattered bones were being burned outside the walls
>the undead’s weaponry were sold to Hoefoot, who was cleaning them up for resale
>Alexander, Loreli and I stood on the wall, just staring out into a blizzard
>damn, it’s really coming down
>it’s so cold Loreli even put on actual pants
>”So, Loreli, that amulet saying anything?”
>she shrugs
>”Nothing.”
>I turn and stare into the blizzard 
>”Well, that’s good.”
>”HEED HIDER FLITER! ZA BOT GARRO!”
>”SSEEE VOR NE! KA-GORRR!”
>great, the workers are screaming at each other again
>just fix the damn gate you giant fuckers
>turn to see a twelve foot tall, absolutely fucking ripped woman in a fur bikini walk up, with a massive log on one shoulder
>smacks both of the bickering workers on the head, who grumble and go back to work
>she sets down the log, and climbs up the ladder, standing next to us
>”Uh… hi?”
>she reaches down, gently moving me aside and looking at Alexander
>stares
>Alexander stares back
>she silently picks him up, puts him on her shoulder and walks off into the village
>”BY JOVE! HELP ME! I DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE’S TAKING ME! SHE IS FEELING MY BUTTOCKS!”
>he’ll be fine

>I later asked Hoefoot about it
>”HA! THA WOMANFOLK HERE DO THAT. ANY AVAILABLE MAN HOO THEY TAKE A LIKING TO, THEY CAN BREED WITH!”
>ask him why I haven’t been jumped
>”THEY’VE SEEN YOU AND THE ELF TOGETHER, AND RESPECT HER CLAIM!”
>he begins to laugh uncontrollably
>what the fuck does that mean
>claim?
>shrug it off, and get a box of ammo from him

>a week later, I was helping Hoefoot rearrange his store room
>next thing I knew, there was an explosion, and the ceiling came down
>as I slipped in and out of consciousness, I heard gunfire, screaming
>I remember seeing Hoefoot get dragged, kicking and spitting from the rubble by a large hand
>then I blacked out
>I slowly drifted back to the surface and heard the rubble above me shift
>”The lad is still in there! Keep digging my dear!”
>I get dragged from the rubble, coughing and half frozen, and see the face of Alexander loom above me
>”My good fellow, are you alright?”
>Ding flitters from his shoulder, and hugs onto my neck, chattering
>”What happened?” I choke out, coughing up some blood
>”A raid, the other tribe pulled a massive raid, using some undead monstrosity! They took women, and children!”
>I groan, and sit up, grabbing onto his shoulder
>”Get Loreli, and any others who want blood. They took Hoefoot.”
>I look around
>no
>no no
>”Alexander. Where is Loreli?”

>limp my ass back to the Inn
>one half of the building is collapsed
>blow the lock off the door with my shorty and kick it in
>she was here
>have to get upstairs
>fuck my leg
>struggle up the stairs, deathgripping the handrail with my left hand, shorty in the other
>see her door down the hall
>it’s closed, she could just be in there
>lean on the door frame, gritting my teeth 
>”Loreli! Are you in there!”
>no answer, so I open the door and stumble in
>the entire far wall of the room is gone, and I see a revolver and a box laying near the rubble
>frantically dig through the rubble, but only find another revolver, and her hat
>they took her
>shit
>they took her like Janet took my fucking kids
>I sit down against the wall, sliding to the floor 
>reach out and pick up a revolver
>they’ll pay for this

>my eye drifts to the partially squashed package
>pick up a discarded tag near it
>”for Anon, thank you for the adventures.”
>open the package, and pull out a gray wool jacket, styled after a western duster
>weird elven script was embroidered in the center of the back, on the inside
>white fur collar
>dammit don’t cry
>she isn’t gone yet
>stand, and pull on the duster, the pain in my leg forgotten
>take her gunbelt, which was hanging near the door, and strap it on
>slide one of her revolvers into its holster, the other one having been crushed by the rubble
>pull on her hat
>Ding flutters into a breast pocket, which looks to have been made for her
> stomp to my room, and get my rifle, and all the ammunition I’ll need
>tuck the Annihilator into an inside pocket, I might need it
>strap on my pack
>as I exit the building, Alexander and the frost giant were waiting for me
>I give him a nod, and walk past him
>march down the road
>as I walked, I saw many frost giants gathered around, holding firearms, and axes
>some were walking in step with me, feeling my intent, and sharing the rage
>Alexander catches up with me, SVT-40 in hand, with the giantess
>smile at him, and keep walking, all the way to the gates, which had been seemingly melted
>let’s get our people back

>it took three weeks to track them down
>their trail was often obscured by the rapidly falling snow, even to the seasoned frost giant hunters
>half of the men from the tribe accompanied Alexander, Ding and I
>we would have gone even if they had stayed
>my coat and her hat made the rough conditions bearable
>the enchantment on the coat rejuvenated me, and kept me warm
>my dwarf-made goggles kept the stinging shards of snow from tearing out my eyes
>three times had we been assaulted by frost trolls and dire wolves which lept from the blinding wall of snow
>they only made good food, to spur our trek onwards
>in the mornings, I had to shake frost from my beard, even when sleeping in shelter
>we crested a hill, and took in the view of a frozen valley, within, set the tents and campfires of our enemy

>as the sun descended, we moved in
>dispatching the sentries around the camp, we swept towards the center, and attacked
>gunfire erupted, and the shrieks of frost giant and undead combined with the thunderous booming of firearms, and the smashing of shields
>a shaman stood atop a platform, summoning all manner of undead and eldritch abomination to attack us
>as a massive collection of bones and necrotic flesh, the ancient corpse of some beast from the dawn of time rose from the snowy mountainside, I aimed my FAL, and fired a burst of .308 into the shaman’s center mass, dropping him, sending him tumbling from the platform, and into a massive, boiling cauldron below 
>the demons dispelled, and the undead crumbled into ash, their master gone
>I entered a tent, firing both barrels of my shorty into the throat of a frost giant, tearing it’s skull free from its body
>I heard a shout, and was thrown across the tent by a 8 foot tall frost giant that charged from my side
>I hit the side, tearing through a seam in the hide wall, and crashed into the snow
>as it charged me, I raised my FAL and fired a burst into its chest, causing it to stumble and collapse to its knees
>I approached the frost giant, clutching at the tattered mess of it’s chest, and choking up red blood
>I grabbed it by the hair, and brought a hand forward, digging my thumb into a bullet hole
>”PRISONERS.” I demanded as it winced and cried out
>it raised an arm, pointing at a cluster of tents deeper into the camp

>I stepped back, reloaded my shorty, but didn’t fire
>I can hear it choking, collapsing in the cold snow as I walk towards the tents
>I enter, rifle raise, sweeping the tent
>fire two rounds into a short frost giant wearing a bag on its head, the second round entering the solitary eyehole in it’s bag
>deeper in the tent, I find cages, made of bones and ice, sitting on the ground, or hanging from ceiling supports
>the eyes of frost troll women and children beg me as I walk through, tossing the keys I found on the torturer into one cage, the inhabitants scrambling for them
>”L-laddy?”
>turn and find Hoefoot crammed into a small cage, hanging from the cieling
>a pool of blood growing under him
>I pull the cage down, and smash the lock
>pull the proud, ex-pimp dwarf from his prison
>he coughs, blood dried on his lips
>lay him near a fire to warm him
>he smiles “Ahhh, that’s ver’ nice…”
>”Took yeh long enough, she never gave up on you. Never broke… no matter what.”
>he coughs again
>”The chief took her… as a personal plaything. She never screamed…”
>he takes a slow breath
>”I thin’ I’ll just rest here, near the fire, for a minute…”
>his hand, clasped in mine, goes limp, and his eyes slowly close

>exit the tent, among the crowd of freed frost giants
>we’ve taken nearly the entire camp, leaving the chief in his tent
>as I approach, the frost giants surround the tent, parting for me to pass
>a frost giant, something like 30 feet tall, and covered in tattoos lumbers out of his tent
>he locks his eyes on me
>”YOU KILLED MY BOY.”
>he takes out 2 massive swords
>he then uncrossed a second pair of equally ripped arms from behind his back
>he then started screaming, dancing and twirling both blades in a rapid display
>fired the machine guns held in his lower set of hands into the air
>reached orgasm during his warcry, a shower of white goo exploding to the ground under his kilt
>his tattoos glowed with ancient power
>his head spun around, his eyes glowing red
>his feet tapped in a display of dominance
>the power of chad exploded from within, his hair glowing gold and floating up
>I raised my arm, charging Annihilator
>I pulled the trigger, the round flying through the air, crackling with mana
>he exploded in a flash of light and gibs, his head, still spinning and screaming, flew into the air and landed on a pike driven into the ground nearby
>I lowered my hand, the barrel of the derringer glowing red, and steam rising from my hand
>well that was anticlimactic  
>autistically stutter out “Y-you’re already dead.”
>fuck I was supposed to say that before he exploded

>march past the shredded pile of meat and enter the tent
>I wasn’t even here for that fucker
>I see her, her arms chained to the center pillar, held above her head
>she was bloodied and bruised, her clothes torn and tattered, revealing even more damage beneath
>her head was slumped forward, hair concealing her face
>rush to her, and bring the stock of my FAL up, smashing the rusted lock on her bonds
>drop my rifle and catch her as she falls forward, she feels as cold as ice
>lower us to the ground, holding her close, and brush her hair away from her face, only to grit my teeth, my eyes widening in shock
>her lips were cut and bleeding, face bruised, and worst of all
>her left eye was nothing but a dark, bloodied hole
>they had removed it from her head
>hold her close, and feel her twitch
>stand, removing the coat she gave me, and wrap her in it to cover her, and to work it’s magic
>hold her, feeling her warm in response to the coat
>her remaining eye flutters open, bloodshot
>”Anon… I knew you’d come… like in the westerns...”
>smile, tears pouring down my face in relief
>I missed that fake accent
>embrace her, feeling a shaky arm wrap around my shoulder
>”Let’s go home, Loreli.”
>she presses her face into my neck as I lift her up, still wrapped in the coat, and lets herself cry

>4 months later, we were in a wagon going down a dusty trail, through some plains
>Alexander, and the she-giant, Paksu are sitting up front, taking the reins
>by that I mean Alexander is sitting in the lap of his twelve foot tall waifu while he drives
>I think she’s giving him a handjob
>Loreli, Ding, and I are sitting in the back of the wagon, sharing a cigarette
>Ding is sitting in a can of spent FAL food, and Loreli is sat across from me
>she’s doing pretty well, sure, she has some scars on her skin, though some healing spells made them pretty much a non issue, and wears an admittedly badass eyepatch, but she survived
>seeing as her favorite clothes were destroyed, she wore one of my tanks, cut high, and a new pair of cutoff jeans
>being reunited with her gun and hat seemed to help her recovery, they hardly leave her side
>she already slept with them, so that hasn’t changed
>she’s still the wannebe cowgirl
>well
>she has horrible night terrors
>like Bill, but not funny
>the first few times she would act like she was fine, there was no problem
>some nights, I stay with her, and she sleeps calmly
>I’m sure she’ll be fine, she’s tough
>she just needs time
>”OH DEAR!”
>for a second, I think Alexander was cumming
>for like the fifth time
>but then the cart pitched, and Loreli was sent flying across the cart
>her knee slams right into my cock
>FUCK NOT AGAIN
>BONY ELF KNEE

>groan as Loreli scrambles off of me, apologizing
>cup my crotch and groan
>hear Ding giggling from her can
>thanks, dick
>Loreli is sitting across from me, avoiding my gaze and blushing 
>oh come on you’ve seen it 
>no need to be embarassed
>shudder, remembering when she had seen it
>fucking crayfish
>”A-anon, you n-need some healing?”
>”N-nah, I’ll be fine.”
>realize I just turned down a handjob
>about a week later, we make it back to Saunder’s Grove
>I have like 40 letters waiting for me from Seri
>Saunders tries to kill me over what happened to Loreli, but she tells him I saved her
>well I am the only reason her vagina can’t swallow a watermelon now
>be grateful fucker
>go sell fried chicken to niggers
>Hoefoot’s nephew inherited the business, so now he runs the shop
>I end up writing about the past few months, and sending it all back to Neumagh
>I hope all forty carrier pigeons make it, or Seri will be damned confused

>get the team together at the Inn, like old times
>feels good to be out of the frozen cold
>though, whenever Paksu stood, she left giant sweaty ass prints wherever she had been sitting
>turns out Frost Giants don’t deal with heat that well
>don’t know what she’s going to do, considering she’s already wearing a pelt bikini
>problems for later
>anyway, Saunders’ Grove had grown a good bit since we left
>copper mines were established nearby by a team of Dwarves, which brought money to the town
>some /k/ommandos went through and helped them with a bandit problem a month back
>you know who you are, and I salute you

>Alexander cleared his throat
>”My friends, I regret to say that I must return to Britain.”
>I’m shocked
>”You see, my book is ready. I must return, and get it published.”
>oh right
>the book
>”Paksu and I must return, not only to sell the book, but also to marry.”
>congrats
>we spend the rest of the night drinking elven wine and laughing
>the next morning, Paksu straps all their stuff into a huge backpack, Alexander climbs onto her shoulders, and with a “TALLY HO!” she sprints down the road
>holy shit
>she’s fast
>good luck you beautiful British bastard

>a week later, Loreli, Ding and I are returning from a range day with the swamp elves
>they use stuffed lizard person corpses as targets
>it’s pretty satisfying
>I’m carrying a wicker basket full of casings, with Ding just laying in the pile
>ain’t no brass jews in the SWAMP
>hear some weird music
>an ice cream truck pulls up behind us and the shutter opens
>at first, I think this is a joke because there is just a skeleton in a hawaiian shirt behind the counter
>”HELLLLLLOOOOOO! WOULD YOU GOOD PEOPLE LIKE SOME NICE, REFRESHING MIIIIIIIILK?”
>drop the basket and hear Ding yelp
>fumble with my shotgun
>”WHOA WHOA WHOA WAIT I’M A FRIEND!”
>pause and look at Skeletor’s disappointing brother
>”What?”
>look at Loreli
>look down at Ding, who’s trying to clean up all the spilled casings
>”Uh, sure, I’ll have some milk…”
>gives me an ice cold glass of milk
>okay
>it’s actually great
>”Friends. Can I ask you a favor?”
>wait when did we become friends?
>”Uh, sure.”
>turns out he wants to sell milk in the town, but is afraid that they’ll shoot him
>wants us to ride into town with him and explain that his only goal in life is to sell milk

>considering Loreli has never driven before, I take the wheel
>holy shit I miss cars
>all the walking has made my ass fucking ripped though
>as we drive along to Saunders’ Grove, I ask the skeleton a few things
>”So, hey, buddy, what’s your name?”
>”Kalsium.”
>fucking boner bro
>”Alright Kalsium, where are you getting gas? Like what’s powering this old thing?”
>I tap the fuel gauge, which hasn’t dropped a centimeter 
>”Well, ya know, not experimental DARK MAGIC or anything like that.”
>fucking what

>we got back into town, and kept people from shooting him 
>”Listen! He’s just a merchant!”
>”No I’m not! I am here to give milk to any who will drink it!”
>”What?”
>”MILK IS MY FUCKING LIFE!”
>he’s screeching like a deranged Ronald McDonald
>well he was until his jawbone fell off
>turns out, elves fucking love milk
>Kalcium was a celebrity within a week
>a month after my encounter with Kalcium the milk deliverer, I woke up to a knock at the door
>wipe the sleep from my eyes, and look to my left, seeing Loreli holding onto my arm
>she’d stayed over again last night
>something about nightmares
>look over at my bedside table, where Ding was stirring in her little nest of casings
>she looked at me as the knocking started again
>Ding, can you get it?”
>she gives me this “are you fucking serious” look
>sigh
>carefully take my arm from Loreli, and go to answer the door
>a halfling courier stood in the hall, uniform and all
>”Mister Anon, of Neumagh?”
>sup dude
>shoves an envelope in my hands and sprints away
>huh
>close the door and see Loreli sitting up, yawning
>”Who was that?”
>”A mailman, I think.”
>I carefully break this elaborate wax seal, which glows for a moment
>okay, magic wax
>weird flex but okay
>unfold a piece of parchment
>I look at the letter, and only see weird elf chickenscratch
>sigh and hand it to Loreli to read
>”Dear Mister Anon, we have urgent need of your services. You have been recommended by Mister Saunders, an old friend of mine, as well as a Governor Gwynne of Neumagh…
>it seems some city far to the East, along the Southern Coast, has a problem with “Skaven”
>”What’s a Skaven?”
>”Picture a big rat. Person. Thing.”
>shudder as I remember smashing giant rats with Ivan, so long ago
>”I hate rats…”

>after getting dressed, and grabbing the usual breakfast downstairs, we started sorting out travel expenses
>it would take months if we were walking, and just over 5 months by wagon
>if only we had a car
>”I HAVE AN IDEA!”
>Loreli looks up from her food “That we should just get a house instead of living in the town Inn?”
>”Well, yeah, actually. But I know an easier way to get to the city.”
>a few minutes later, we walked up to the Milk Truck
>”HELLO FRIENDS! WHAT TO START YOUR DAY WITH A NICE GLASS OF CALCIUM RICH MILK!?”
>”Sure.”
>as we drink our glasses, I start talking to Kalcium
>”So Kalcium, how would you like to spread the joy of calcium rich milky goodness to a huge coastal city?”
>”Well, I’d need some guards…”
>”You’d be lonely, wouldn’t you?”
>”...yes.”
>explain the situation to him
>he simply jumps up on the top of his truck, an MG42 in each hand, and screams “ROAD TRIP FUCKERS!”
>fires into the air while shrieking in his demented clown voice

>”So, Loreli, did the letter say anything about the pa we’d be getting?”
>”Ah, right, one second…”
>she digs through her pack, and pulls out the letter
>”payment is negotiable”
>fucking shit
>we’re gonna get fucked out of pay
>Kalcium calls from the driver’s seat
>”If it makes you feel any better, I don’t need a cut! I’m here for the milk!”
>we’re currently speeding along a dirt road at around 50 miles per hour
>”Uh, Kalcium, do you wanna… slow down a little?”
>”Naaaahhhh, I’m good at driving! Besides, this baby can handle any terrain!”
>we hit a bump, tossing Loreli towards me
>grab her leg before her knee smashes my dick
>shit’s smoother than marble
>she still smashes me against the wall, the truck tipping a little, before slamming back down on all 4 wheels
>HA
>I’VE LEARNED
>Ding wipes her brow as Loreli scrambles off of me, and sits next to me
>for some reason, Kalcium has a black leather couch back here
>going to have to sleep on it
>it looks exactly like a casting couch
>Loreli didn’t get it it when I laughed upon first seeing it
>Kalcium also had several eighties playboy posters on the ceiling
>so that’s pretty nice
>his MG42s are hanging on the wall above the couch, belts wrapped around them so they don’t smash me in the head
>the insides had been mostly gutted from the ice cream truck, leaving room for a refrigerator and a large keg, full of a seemingly infinite amount of milk  
>no, seriously, the tap started leaking at one point, and we didn’t notice until it was up to out ankles
>we were making very good time 
>Kalcium doesn’t need sleep, and the truck apparently doesn’t need gas
>a bump in the road causes me to wake up, sitting on the couch with Loreli leaning on my shoulder, Ding snoring on my other shoulder
>I can hear Kalcium humming a jingle in the driver’s seat, still speeding along
>I feel the truck slow, as Kalcium says “Nani the fuck?”
>”Ayyyy yo Cracka, gimme those rims!”
>”Sir. Put the gun down. Might I interest you in a nice glass of milk instead?”
>oh fuck we’re being robbed
>”Shiiiiiieeeeet nigga. Gibs me dem rims! I can’t even drink milk!”
>hear Kalcium go quiet
>Loreli stirs, and I press my hand over her mouth, motioning her to stay silent
>her eye widens when she hears what Kalcium says next
>his voice drops, deeper than the nigger’s and he shrieks “DIE YOU LACTOSE INTOLERANT NIGGERS!”
>I hear Kalcium launch himself through the open window, unsheathing a fucking katana he keeps up there with him
>the next thirty seconds are filled with the sounds of ghettos screaming, jamming pistols, and Kalcium shrieking the lyrics to the Gilligan’s Island opening 

>Kalcium got back in the passenger seat, humming and wiping himself down with a towel
>he stowed away his Nippon steel and tossed a backpack full of filthy glawk forties and hi-points near the couch
>”ONWARDS FAGGOTS!” he screams, pulling an SS Officer’s cap from his glove compartment and slapping it on
>he slams his foot to the pedal, backing over several corpses, and then works the clutch, speeding forward at breakneck speed
>we hit a deer an hour later, didn’t even slow down, just went right through it
>Loreli and Ding are holding onto me for dear life as we shoot down the road
>takes me thirty minutes to convince the singing skeleton to go down to 35 MPH

>”Okay, now if we take a left here, we could take a shortcut through this desert...”
>I’m sitting up front with Kalcium, trying to make sense of a map
>Lightskin gave it to me before he left, so it has to be accurate
>”Desert huh? I could stop and bleach my bones!”
>nah man
>”Nah, I’m sure there will be plenty of sunlight where we’re going.”
>we eventually turn off, and get into a dry, desolate desert
>barely any roads, but it’s a pretty flat area
>”You sure the truck won’t get stuck?”
>”It’ll be fine!”
>”Hey! How’s it going up there?”
>stand, and make my way back to Loreli and Ding, who are still cleaning Kalcium’s loot, hoping to sell it later
>plop down on the couch next to her
>”We should get out of this desert in a day or so, then we’re cutting through these highlands…”
>I point around the map, only for Loreli to reach out and flip it upright
>shit
>we’re lost
>Ding giggles, and kisses my cheek, as if to say “bless your little heart honey”
>thanks, dicks
>as I stand to go inform Kalcium, I hear something
>”Do you guys hear that?”
>”You mean Kalcium singing?”
>”No… drums?”
>Loreli pauses, and nods
>I stand, and make my way to the windows on the rear doors
>I see three pillars of dust rising behind us
>oh shit

>3 ridiculous looking vehicles come roaring over the dunes
>they’re covered in spikes, spraying flames into the air, and have massive speakers attached to the roof
>Orcs sit behind the wheels, and goblins jump around, smashing drums with small clubs
>somebody liked Fury Road
>Kalcium looks out the back window next to me and whistles
>”Nice.”
>look at him
>”Kalcium.”
>”Yeah?”
>”Who’s driving?”

>turn and see that he had jammed the gas pedal to the floor with his katana
>throw myself to the floor as several bullets impacted the back of the truck, one penetrating and striking Kalcium’s ribcage
>”AAAHHHH THEY GOT ME!”
>he starts laughing from the floor
>grab my FAL, and yell to Loreli
>”DRIVE.”
>”HOW?”
>”FIGURE IT OUT!”
>as Loreli throws herself to the driver’s compartment, one of the cars pull up beside us
>Kalcium simply throws the shutter open and opens up with his MG42s, shredding a goblin which had jumped towards the truck midair, and shredding the side of the car
>starts screaming and laughing, unloading unto the cabin of the vehicle, striking the engine and making it burst into flame
>the car turns, flipping end over end into the sands
>look back
>just see the Pinto Cruiser and the Ford F150
>more shots bounce off the back of the truck
>I grab Ding and tuck her into my pack
>”Stay.”
>stand and start firing out the shattered rear window
>strike the front rear of the cruiser, which swerves, bumps the F150, and is thrown away, tumbling
>the F150 pulls up beside us
>a huge Orc stands, pointing an AK at us
>he’s wearing a weird, bone Bane mask
>”YOU WILL WITNESS ME! WITNESS YOUR DEATH AT THE HANDS OF INDESTRUCTABLE BIL--”
>his car hits a rocky outcropping, flattering against it and exploding as we drive away
>watch the road while driving, retard

>we ended up getting out of the desert
>got chased by a giant sand worm
>now we’re moving at a breakneck speed down a forest road
>had to pry Loreli’s fingers off the wheel
>good job
>”Hey Kalcium? Can we pull over? I gotta piss.”
>stops the truck so fast I nearly fell over
>thanks buddy
>drop out the back, wave at Loreli
>Ding insists on coming with me
>sure, this place is creepy
>ain’t getting my dick ripped off by a skinwalker
>oh Axefist
>we barely knew ye
>eventually find a suitable bush
>dammit I can’t piss with Ding trying to get peeks at the BHC
>”Cover your eyes.”
>she does so, but I can see her peeking
>whatever
>hear her gasp when I take my dick out
>dammit Ding
>I can feel a new wet spot on my shoulder
>smells like gunpowder and honey
>my pack only smells like this
>like all the fucking time

>”No, no, no, Anon, ya got us lost!”
>”I know Loreli, now give me the map.”
>”NO! MY ELVEN SENSES WILL GET US OUT OF THIS!”
>Kalcium is singing anime openings in the front seat while cleaning nig blood off his katana
>I’m pretty sure Ding is spacing out in a can of brass
>Loreli and I are fighting over the map
>”Well, HUMANS explored our entire planet!”
>”Well, ELVES have a natural connection to the planet!”
>god dammit Kalcium cut the shit you’ve been singing the Sailor Moon opening for ten minutes

>we eventually had to stop at a small village to get supplies
>after making sure nobody kills Kalcium, Loreli and I go up to a general store
>a bell rings as we enter, and we see a pimply faced teeager elf standing behind the counter
>”Hey, anything I can get you?”
>look around
>holy shit
>the shelves are packed with potato chips and candy
>barrels of ice near the far wall have beer and soda
>”Yeah, yeah, I know. We got some imported goods from the other world.”
>grab some Jerky, chips, and a few beers
>get Ding a bag of gummy worms at the last second
>”Anon! We’re here for food!”
>”Oh, right.”
>grab some hot dogs from a machine the elf had on the counter
>pay in gold coins
>”Thank you, come again.”
>as we walk back to the truck, I ask Loreli
>”We should see if there’s anywhere we can sell the guns Kalcium looted.”
>she nods as she scarfs down some Lays 
>we eventually dropped our groceries off at the truck, and went in to town to sell the pistols
>some shady guy in a hood payed us pretty well for them in an alley
>not my problem
>I got payed

>Where am I
>I look around, seeing nothing but the white landscape of the North
>I shiver, looking down
>realize I’m only wearing my jeans
>I hear a whisper
>”Deeaaaaathhhhh…”
>I look down and see the snow around me is covered in bodies
>blood soaked the landscape
>all around me were the bodies of Frost giants
>men, women, children
>my hands are soaked in blood
>”You are death itself.”
>I turn around and see the head of the Frost Giant chief, impaled on a pike
>”Death.”
>I turn again, seeing Hoefoot stuffed in a cage, his eyes staring at me
>”Why didnt ye save me, Laddy?”
>the frost giants all around me slowly climbed to their feet
>after we saved Loreli, I ordered for every frost giant in the village to be killed
>”They would only seek vengeance” I had told the allied Chief
>as the corpses charge me, pushing me down into the snow, I hear Loreli screaming
>”ANON! ANON!”
>I jolt awake, gripping my shorty so hard my knuckles were white
>Loreli was holding onto my arm, eyes wide
>dammit

>Kalcium calls back from the driver’s seat
>”ARE YOU TWO BREEDING BACK THERE!? DON”T GET MY COUCH STICKY!”
>Ding pokes her head out the the ammo can she was sleeping in, rubbing her eye
>my heart rate slows down as I gasp for air
>Loreli carefully takes my shorty from my hand, and I press my palms against my forehead
>”The nightmare again?”
>I nod
>she gives a knowing look and gently puts a hand on my brow, just over my scar, still holding my arm
>flinch as she touches the scar, then press my hand over hers
>ironically, an elf and a fairy are the only things holding my humanity together
>”How bad are yours, Loreli? You went through much worse than I did.”
>she bites her lip, and lets out a shiver
>”I’m managing.”
>look at my wrist, squinting to see the time
>”It’s 4 AM, how about we have a beer?”
>see Ding perk up
>”Yes, you can have one too…”
>hear Kalcium call back “What about some miiiiiiillllk?”

>I chuckle, handing the bottle back to Loreli
>Ding passed out after finishing her .22 casing of beer we gave her
>I made sure to tuck her into the ammo box
>Loreli took the bottle, and drank a sip of the cool liquid
>”We’re such responisble adults, drinking at 4 in the morning…”
>we hit a bump, and she coughs, spilling some beer on the tank top she wore
>slap her on the back while taking the bottle
>”You okay there?”
>she laughs, her face and ears red “Human beer is good.”
>I go to take my drink, only for a single drop to fall on my tongue
>sigh
>I lean back on the couch, Loreli nuzzling under my arm, unconsciously falling into a comfortable and familiar routine
>I can hear Kalcium watching some 80’s action movie on a small laptop he taped to the dash
>I had asked him if that’s such a good idea
>his only reply was “I’m a good driver”
>well he hit another deer when he said that, but we’re still driving right?
>hear Loreli grumble something as she nuzzled against me
>”Filthy roundear, tempting me to drink…”
>chuckle, giving her a squeeze
>”Right back at you, knife ear…”
>give one of her pointed ears a playful pinch
>she giggles drunkenly
>lightweight
>we only split one bottle
>she gives a contented sigh, and I smell… raspberries?
>feel her medallion buzz, followed by Kalcium yelling “SPEED BUMP” as we went over another poor animal
>as it buzzed, I felt her breathing catch, and her muscles tense
>I give her a squeeze, and she relaxes, her heartbeat returning to normal

>Loreli and I were cleaning the guns in the back, while Ding was pestering Kalcium up front
>”Hey Loreli, can you hand me the oil? My shorty needs a good cleaning.”
>the truck lurches suddenly throwing the disassembled MG42 to the floor
>hear Kalcium yell “FUCK YOU TOO GEORGE BUSH!”
>Loreli grabs onto me as the truck lurches again, before rolling to a stop
>”KALCIUM! DID WE RUN OUT OF GAS?”
>”Impossible! This baby gets 42 miles to the blood sacri-- I mean the gallon!”
>after picking up the objects strewn around the truck, we pile out and go the the front
>Kalcium opens the hood and looks in 
>there’s no engine
>”Ahhhh… just as I figured.”
>tells us to go on ahead, there’s a village just over the hill
>”I’ll fix this guys!” he says as he straightens his hawaiian shirt and salutes
>sure
>”You sure you’ll be safe out here by yourself?”
>he simply ties his katana to his pelvis
>okay
>we walked until we reached a village
>the buildings were old, and warped by the sun
>eyes watched us from windows as we walked up to a tavern
>we walk in, and find ourselves as the only patrons, an old elf standing behind the counter, cleaning a glass
>”Well, hello. Can I interest you in a drink? Some food perhaps?”
>ended up ordering “dire boar flank” with a weird halfling ale
>Loreli got the “Goblin Roadkill”
>Ding just stole pieces of my food
>it was pretty good
>”Hey old timer, why is this place so… quiet and gloomy?”
>he replied in a raspy, whispery voice
>”We once had an outbreak of a horrid plague, which had been caused by a beast, that had been sleeping deep within the ground…”
>”Huh, so you guys handled it?”
>”Aaah, yes. We handled the Dream Devourer.”
>he chuckles in his strange raspy voice
>put 3 gold coins on the table, and walk out
>still don’t see anyone in the streets, just eyes peeking out from behind curtains
>weird
>we were on our way back to Kalcium when he pulls up next to us
>he rolls down the window, and leans out, covered in shimmering purple ooz
>”HEY BITCHES! LEEETS GOOO!”
>we climb into the back, and Kalcium asks “So, think the village ahead would like some milk?”
>I was about to reply, when we crested the hill
>the village was gone, nothing but long forgotten chimneys and foundations
>as we passed the long forgotten husk of a tavern, I saw a table standing amongst a pile of bones, three gold coins shining on the surface

>well, after a month of driving, we finally made it
>see a towering, victorian city as we crest a hill
>smoke rose from factories and fireplaces, while a low fog descended from the waterfront
>collapse back onto the couch, and laugh
>”Hey Kalcium! Think you have enough milk for these people?”
>”Milk for days! The soldiers of the skeleton uprising will be strong!”
>”What?”
>”Nothing. MILK!”
>approach the outer wall, and get stopped by some helmeted guards, holding Mosin Nagants, short swords hanging at their sides
>”Halt. What business have you here?”
>”My good sir, I am a humble milkman!”
>the guard looks at the skeleton in a hawaiian shirt
>”Wait! Wait!” I say as I climb to the front, holding my letter, a little torn and crumpled, but still.
>the guard inspects the letter, his eyes widen and he salutes me
>”Sir! You can park your vehicle in the stables, and we will escort you to the Countess!”
>okay
>weird
>we park the truck in the stables, and gather our things
>”Hey Kalcium, think the truck will be secure out here?”
>he looks at me, adjusting one of his MG42s on his back and straightening his hawaiian shirt
>”Yeah! It won’t let anyone in without my permission!”
>I decide to take his word for it
>be escorted to a carriage
>climb in, and ride to a castle on the far side of the city, near the waterfront
>pretty nice place
>I’m suddenly nervous 
>someone who lives in a place like this wants to hire me?
>we get escorted inside, servants taking our bags
>a tall, big breasted elf in a maid’s outfit approaches, and gestures at Kalcium “Shall I take your servant for a cleaning?”
>I’m about to say he’s not my servant, but Kalcium says “YES! TAKE ME MILK MAID!”
>he holds out his hand “Hey baby, I’m Kalcium.”
>she shakes his hand, and looks at me, letting out a nervous giggle
>what is happening
>as they walk off, I hear Kalcium say “So baby, ever been milked?”

>we get taken to a throne room, only to be stopped at the doors
>they demand our weapons
>we kindly refuse
>as the guards step towards us, we hear a voice from the throne room
>”OH LET THEM IN ALREADY!”
>the guards stiffen, and stand aside, the doors opening from within
>the chamber is lit by chandeliers, with thick, frosted windows letting in dim sunlight
>a large throne, made of the bones of a dragon, sits at the end of a long, red carpet that stretches across a floor, made of black and white marble squares, like a chessboard
>a small, young elf girl with white hair and pale skin sits on the throne, wearing a red ball gown with a silver crown, black pearls set in the bright metal
>I look at the Loli and clear my throat
>”H-hey, is your mother home? I’m here to see a Countess…” I look at the letter
>”Countess Meveliarde, of Waterleau.” she finishes, with a smirk
>as she smirks, two long fangs glint in the candlelight
>fucking shit
>Elf Vampire Loli Countess
>and my new boss
>”Kneel please, it is an annoyance, but a formality. I’m sure you understand.”
>look at Loreli, who just shrugs
>we kneel, bowing our heads
>”Rise, my…”
>look up “Employees?”
>”Yes, that works.”
>as we rise, I notice what had initially seemed to be a statue standing next to the throne, in the shadows
>it looked like a twelve foot tall suit of black armor, with ornate, golden engravings
>in its clasped hands was a heavy looking sword, forged of black metal 
>it’s head shifted to meet my gaze
>creepy
>”So, Countess, shall we talk business?”

>we ended up walking through the halls of the castle with her, discussing business
>the city has a horrible Skaven problem in the tunnels and waterways beneath the city
>they have recently begun coming to the surface at night, killing, raping, and kidnapping the locals
>my job is to find a solution
>by any means necessary
>the pay will be very generous, she will have it ready for us to inspect tomorrow
>”Now, I would like to retire for the night…” she said with a yawn
>she’s adorable
>could probably kill us all
>but adorable
>”Come find me if you need me. The servants will take you and your wife to your room...”
>wife?
>what?
>notice Loreli blushing
>she laughs as she enters her room, fog billowing from the doorway
>dramatic
>the servants lead us to a large pair of doors, before unlocking the door, turning and leaving with a bow
>our packs were sitting in the floor, at the foot of a massive canopy bed
>the room was white, with warm, red accents
>a connecting room with a large clawfoot bathtub was behind a wooden door in the left corner
>large windows were covered by heavy drapes
>a fire burned in a hearth, set in the middle of the right wall, next to a large wardrobe
>how did I go from living in a hotel room, to an ice cream truck, to this?
>as Loreli checks our bags, I pat my jacket’s breast pocket, and Ding peeks out
>she flies around the room, excitedly exploring
>I passed Loreli, walking to a window
>”Pretty sweet digs, eh, wifey?” I say with a chuckle as I throw the drapes open, revealing heavy, wrought iron bars, and large claw marks marring the stone frame
>shit, okay, be careful around the windows at night
>hear a knock at the door
>whothefuckisthat
>open the door, and Kalcium waltzes in
>no he pushes me aside and dances in
>”TA-DAAAAA!”
>his hawaiian shirt is freshly pressed, MG42 all clean and oiled, and his bones are perfectly white
>the only flaw is the smear of lipstick on his teeth
>vomit in my mouth
>only Kalcium would find the big breasted necrophile maid
>only him
>”Have fun buddy?”
>”YES!”
>he points at the wardrobe, a screech emanating from him, his jaw nearly falling off
>”I EVEN HAVE MY OWN ROOM!”
>what?
>his footbones clatter on the marble floor as he sprints to the wardrobe, throwing it open
>the inside is lined with velvet, was pretty big, and had a hangar bar
>”PERFECT!”
>he leans his MG42 in the corner of the wardrobe, and leaps in, closing the doors
>hear him giggling
>the doors crack
>”Hey guys…”
>”Y-yeah, Kalcium?”
>”You have one more skeleton in your closet!”
>you’re in the closet alright
>he cackles and closes the doors, somehow locking them from the inside

>Loreli and I are sitting on a bench together, cleaning our guns and sorting ammo on a large, glass topped desk in the corner, near the fireplace
>Ding was busy cleaning a component from my FAL, humming some fairy song
>I’m zoning out like I always do while cleaning my guns, lost in the smell of the oil
>aside from the warmth of the fireplace, Loreli’s smooth shoulder brushing my own and Ding’s humming, all of my focus was on the brushes, oils, and small components I was currently cleaning
>brush brush brush
>I fit two pieces together, and set them aside
>by the /k/ube I couldn’t stand doing this in the truck
>Kalcium had dug out his laptop and a set of headphones, locking himself in the wardrobe a few hours ago
>”See you fuckers in the morning.” click

>I check my watch
>3 AM
>”We should get to bed, it’s getting late.”
>Loreli looks at my watch, and nods, reassembling her revolver
>I stand and make sure the candles are out, leaving the fireplace on
>I ain’t freezing my dick off
>I cross to the bed, and, already shirtless and in some sweatpants, climb in 
>fuck this bed is massive
>it’s bigger than a queen, and the sheets are smooth Elven silk, a deep crimson
>like we get it, you’re a vampire, everything has to be black, white, and red
>Loreli picks up her bag, and goes into the bathroom
>weird, she usually just sleeps in her tank top and shorts
>oh those shorts
>a few minutes later, she exits in a silky, white gown, running a brush through her hair
>damn
>”Finally, a real bed.”
>she puts her brush on the desk, picking up her revolver, and an ammo can
>she pours glorious .308 into a drawer in the bedside table, leaving it cracked for Ding, placing the revolver on the table
>Ding flies over, giving Loreli a kiss on the cheek, and launches into the drawer
>as she digs herself, giggling and moaning, into the pile of real fuckin’ NATO, Loreli closes the drawer
>Loreli pulls back the sheets, and sinks in, letting out a relaxed sigh
>I scoot over, and put my arm around her, getting into our nightly routine
>”NIght.”
>drift off to sleep, smelling that weird blackberry smell again

>awake to a weird scratching noise
>my eyes slide open, blinking
>feel Loreli’s breathing on my jaw, and hear her stir
>slowly sit up, sliding my arm away from her
>she groans, and hugs the pillow I slide over to her
>phew, that was close
>I look around the room, hearing the scratching again
>the curtains blow around the window, bright moonlight shining through
>then a clawed, fur covered hand reached through the bars
>FURRIES STAY OUT REEEEEE
>grap Loreli’s revolver, and drag her to the other side of the bed, carefully setting her on the floor
>peek up over the bed 
>the hand is feeling around the edge of the window, scraping the stone with it’s talons
>fuck I can smell it from here
>duck down back over the bed, and shake Loreli
>”Anon wha-”
>I cover her mouth and press a finger to my own
>when she nods, I take my hand off her mouth and pick the revolver back up off the floor
>peek back over the bed, to see nothing but the drapes blowing in the wind
>sigh in relief
>hear Loreli scream as I’m thrown across the room, the revolver sliding across the marble floor
>I impact the wall, slamming to the floor, dazed
>barely have time to throw myself to the side as a crude spear impacts the wall where I had been standing
>stand and see an emaciated monster, covered in matted black fur, foaming at the mouth and a pair of beady red eyes charge me
>rip the spear from the wall, reversing it, and impaling the thing through the gut
>it still lashes out at me, claws carving furrows into the wallpaper as I push it back
>”SHOOT IT!”
>Loreli has picked up her revolver, and fires a shot into the thing’s back
>it screeches, thrashing on the end of my spear
>I kick it’s feet out from under it, giving her a clear shot at the head, which she takes
>I stand over the twitching corpse, gasping for air
>”Fuck.”

>Loreli and I stood outside the room as the servants cleaned up the corpse, Countess Meveliarde apologizing for the lax security
>”My guards are placing more bars outside, and I am increasing patrols around that section of the castle.”
>I nod, noting the black blood on my hands
>I always get covered in blood whenever Loreli and I relax
>”Are your men trained with their rifles?”
>Meveliarde nods “They were trained by mercenaries from your side of the curtain. I spared no expense.”
>”We could have Kalcium patrol the area, he doesn’t exactly sleep.”
>good suggestion Loreli
>”I didn’t take either of you for a Necromancer.”
>”Oh no, we just met him one day. He likes milk.”
>the Countess gives us a weird look “This group is entertaining.”
>”You don’t know the half of it.”
>the servants wheel out their equipment, and give a short bow
>”The room should be clean now. You will never even be able to tell it happened.”
>put my arm around Loreli’s shoulder, and give a squeeze
>”Again, as your hostess, I apologize. Take all the time you two need to make up for lost sleep, or other activities.”
>mmhm sure
>the Countess yawns into her hand “I could use a few more hours myself.”
>by the /k/ube why is my boss so adorable

>the room really was cleaned
>it was like that cleanup crew from John Wick rolled through
>even the wallpaper was fixed
>we got back into bed, her revolver and my shorty tucked under the pillows, my FAL leaning against the bedframe
>Kalcium just thought we wanted him out so we could “breed”
>he still went though
>Ding was snoring on a pillow we put on the bedside table on my side, clutching a casing
>is she used to this shit?
>Loreli wrapped her arms around mine, nuzzling into my shoulder
>”Just when I was getting comfortable…”
>she sniffs
>”You need a bath, you smelly human…”
>I grunt
>”Here’s hoping I can actually get some rest now, without a giant, angry rat getting you.”
>I chuckle, and she asks what’s so funny
>”I haven’t killed a giant rat since before Neumagh, that one just took a shovel… man I miss Vlad.”
>she nuzzles into my arm, tracing a scar on my shoulder with a finger
>”I was having a good dream too…”
>those are rare for both of us
>”I shouldn’t have taken the medallion off… I’m sorry Anon.”
>”It’s alright, Loreli.”
>I hear her voice crack
>”I-I guess I just felt safe.”
>I put my hand on hers, giving it a squeeze
>”I’ll hear them coming. You just focus on getting some sleep.”
>feel her nod into my shoulder
>I end up staring at the window until I fall asleep, the feeling of a gun under my pillow helping
 
>we woke up at around noon, and I took a good bath
>the tub had running water, and the toilet worked well
>had to take a cover off of the mirror though
>as I was taking a shit, Kalcium walks in 
>”Hey boss, perimeter is secure.”
>I just stare as he proceeds to pour 4 gallons of milk into the tub, and climb in
>”What?”
>I sigh, and leave the bathroom
>Loreli was sitting on the bed, all ready for the day, spinning her revolver
>I get my shorty, knife, and the Annihilator
>let Loreli carry the FAL, since she just has a pistol
>”We’ll get you something bigger at the market.”
>as we exit the room, we get stopped by a servant
>”The countess has invited you to breakfast, honored guests.”
>”Sweet, also, you guys did a good job last night!”
>flip him a gold coin, and follow him
>Ding looks out of my breast pocket as we enter a massive chamber, lit by a beautiful crystal chandelier, which just floated in the air
>”Pretty cool, huh Ding?”
>the Countess waves at us from the far end of a very long table, where she sat alone
>chuckle as I see she’s sitting on a book
>”Welcome! My kitchens have worked hard to accomodate you!”
>the suit of armor stands behind her chair, staring menacingly
>”Don’t mind him, he’s just protective.”
>oh okay I just won’t mind the giant murder machine
>the Countess cups a large goblet in her little hands and takes a sip, some blood dripping down her chin
>”The kitchens usually only cook for the servants, so he was happy to do this.”
>A huge orc in a full chef’s outfit led a row of servants out, pushing carts topped with covered trays
>they place a tray in front of each of us, including a very tiny one that looked like it was meant for a doll for Ding
>the trays were uncovered, revealing stacks of pancakes, strips of bacon, and omelettes

>Loreli turns to the chef 
>”Thank you.”
>he bows 
>”Goatfucker.”
>”What was that?”
>”Goatfucker.”
>alright
>”Ignore his accent, it’s pretty thick.”
>what is going on
>”Gooooooaattfuckerrrr!” he sings as he twirls out of the room, the servants in tow
>dig in
>this is pretty /k/ino

>we ended up walking with the Countess to the throne room to “inspect our pay”
>well, we walked, the Countess rode on the shoulders of the suit of armor
>she just put down her cup, told us to come along, then held her arms out to the suit of armor
>after adjusting her gown, the suit stood up, picked up it’s sword with one hand, and started marching away
>Loreli and I had to jog to keep up with the long legged fucker
>when we got the the throne room, the armor carefully sat her down on her throne, gave her head a soft pat, then blended into the shadows flanking the throne
>the Countess clears her throat, and claps twice
>several guards come out, hefting a large, iron chest
>they sat it down in front of the throne, and unlocked it
>they saluted, and moonwalked into the shadows
>how many fuckers do you have in the shadows
>I heard one trip on his cape, his rifle and armor clanging against the floor
>”Dammit Steve you ruined our exit! You made us look stupid!”
>”Guys just drag me away I can’t get up!”
>”Fucking shit Steve!”
>kek
>look at Loreli, and pat my pocket, Ding poking her head out
>we approach the chest, and dramatically throw it open
>well it just sort of shook and I hurt my fingertips
>hear a guard sigh, approaching from the shadows, and jiggles the key inside the lock until we hear a click
>the guard waves his cape, says “OOOOOOHHHH!” and cartwheels into the shadows
>why
>dammit Steve

>okay try 2
>I dramatically throw the chest open
>cue the golden glow from pulp fiction
>ohhhhh boy
>gold coins, silver, jewels, bills from my world
>”You guys really hate Skaven, huh?”
>I could buy like
>2 G11s with this money
>and a house in the North American market
>if we survive, we’ll be rich
>”Hey Loreli, we could buy your dad’s house with this much…”
>the Countess clears her throat
>”That is double what we discussed you only have to promise one thing to earn the bonus…”
>ohkubepleaseIdontwannagotojail
>”Please be my friends.”
>”What?”
>”I have no friends. I just have my bodyguard, and play cards with the guards on Saturdays…”
>she leans in “Never play Steve at poker. Any kind of poker.”
>I feel uncomfortable
>”S-sure, we’ll be friends.”
>”Will you visit every now and then?”
>”Yes?”
>”Take me shooting?”
>”Sure…”
>”Can we all go shopping?”
>”Yeah, yeah, whatever you want to do, we’ll do…”
>”Enjoy your pay, and your frinedship.”
>why does this shit always happen

>we went up and got Kalcium out of the wardrobe
>”Aw guuuuuys… I was on the fifth season of Naruto!”
>don’t care
>a guard leads us outside, and down a winding path along a seaside cliff, just under the castle
>”This gate should let you access the tunnels. Good luck.”
>without missing a beat, he turned, and scaled the cliff face with the speed of a lizard, hindered only by the rifle in his hand
>are all these guys vampires?
>questions for later
>okay Anon
>just go into the spooky, damp tunnels
>before the guard left, he had left a bronze lamp with us, a brightly glowing crystal neslted within the metal cage
>I look at it, and get an idea
>”Hey Kalcium. Come here a second.”
>he looks at me, and steps over
>I pull a length of paracord from my pack, and pick up the lamp
>”Okay, hold still.”
>stick the lamp up into his ribcage, and loop the paracord through the handle
>tie it to his vertebrae
>the whole time, Kalcium giggles “That tickles! Stop! At least take me to dinner first!”
>I hear Loreli laughing behind em
>there
>now we have easy, hands-free light
>”Look at me! So…”
>he throws his arms in the air, his MG42 still gripped in his hand
>”GROSSLY INCANDESCENT!”
>he puts his arms down
>”What’re you faggots looking at? Lets kill some rats!”

>we ended up walking through a system of large, stinking tunnels
>their feet splashed in puddles, and slipped on clumps of slimy moss
>”Where are they?” I ask, looking down a drainpipe
>”No clue…” Loreli replied, stepping over a pile of shit
>Kalcium had put his MG42 on his back, and was crawling around on all fours
>he looked like the giant crawling skeletons from Dark Souls
>creepy
>”I DON’T SMELL ANYTHING BUT SHIT!” the skeleton screeched, crawling up a wall
>in my breast pocket, I hear Ding groan
>I drop a few casings in there, hoping to mask the smell of waste
>”Shhhh. My elf ears hear somemthing…”
>okay
>we creep around the corner
>what’s that weird grunting?
>oh /k/ube
>oh fuck
>a ratman is raping some elf woman
>Loreli shouts, firing six rounds into the thing’s back
>I charge forward, kicking the thing in the side and firing into its chest with my shorty
>”Don’t worry ma’am we’re--”
>look down
>she doesn’t have a head
>”Loreli! Stay over there!”
>”What’s the matter?”
>she gets a haunted look in her eyes as she spots the headless, defiled corpse
>turns, falling to her knees, and vomits
>put my hand over the pocket Ding is in, I don’t want her seeing this
>”Kalcium, can you help me move the bodies? We’ll send guards to retrieve her later.”
>we drag the woman into a corner, a trail of semen and blood trailing behind us
>things really are worse than I anticipated
>if I hadn’t noticed that Skaven the other night…
>no more thinking
>I have a job to do

>drop the Skaven into a waterway full of rushing water, and choked with waste
>where you belong shithead
>I managed to calm Loreli down
>that messed her up
>I almost feel bad dragging her down here
>because we may very well see worse
>after about 3 more minutes of walking, we are ambushed by Skaven who leap from holes in the walls and ceiling
>one immediately swings a club at my head, which I duck, pressing the barrels of my shorty into its ribcage, blowing a hole through it with both barrels, splattering me in blood
>Loreli fires a burst from my FAL into a Skaven that was charging her, already anticipating the sweet rape it had planned, dropping it in a shower of black blood
>Kalcium was just screaming, firing at the Skaven who were charging us from the rear in full auto
>several skaven writhe on the floor, having been ripped in half by the glorious German engineering
>”FUCK YOU FURRIES! THE NIGGERS OF THE DEGENERATE WORLD!”
>as I reload my shorty, a skaven strikes me, pinning me to the wall
>I hear Ding cry out as we strike, before she pops the pocket open and flies at the face of the Skaven, stabbing it in the eye with a needle before it ripped my throat out 
 
>the skaven screeches, swiping Ding away
>she lets out a cry and hits a wall
>I push the Skaven back with a headbutt that crushes its snout, and straddle it, picking up the first ones club
>smash the club down, again and again, until it stops moving
>I let go of the club, letting it clatter to the floor
>stay on top of the skaven, breathing heavily, and flinch when Loreli touches my shoulder, snapping me back to reality
>the skaven are all dead
>where is Ding?
>see her laying a few feet away, facedown, one of her wings clearly broken
>gingerly pick her up, and bring her to my ear
>shes’s still breathing
>cup the fairy in my hands, and turn to Loreli
>she flinches, I’m covered in the black blood, and wild eyed
>”Body count?”
>Kalcium calls over
>”Twelve!”
>BANG
>”Thirteen!”
>cupping Ding to my chest with one hand, I pull out a folded scrap of paper, handing it to Loreli
>”We have to get out of here… you lead the way.”

>we were ambushed 3 more times on our way out, raising our kill count to 32
>the white fur collar of my coat was now stained black, as were my hands
>when we got out, Kalcium looked down and asked where the nearest cotton field is
>Loreli was silent, carrying Ding in a cloth sling around her neck
>when we got back to the castle, I silently a canvas bag of tails on the floor in front of the guards, and followed Loreli back to the room after telling them “All in a day’s work.”
>Kalcium told us he was going to find his “Milk Maid” and get cleaned up
>sure bud
>when I get to the room, I find Loreli laying Ding out on a pillow
>that wing isn’t looking good
>Loreli bites her lip, and puts her hands over Ding
>”What’re you doing?”
>”Just watch.”
>she closes her eye, and takes a deep breath
>a golden light appears in her palms, shining on the limp little fairy
>as I watch, Ding’s wing straightens out, and seems to heal
>Loreli lets out a tired sigh, and starts to fall to the side, but I catch her
>”Her wing is going to hurt like a bitch, but she’ll be able to fly.”
>I take her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze
>”Thank you. She got hurt saving me.”
>Loreli smiles “I don’t think she would have blamed you, as long as you were okay.”
>I sigh, and put an arm under her legs, hoisting her up
>if not for my bloodstained clothes, she would have hugged on to me
>I set her on the bed, and slide her pistol under the pillows
>I nod at the bathroom door “I’m going to clean myself up, and join you.”
>she yawns, tossing her gunbelt to the floor, followed by her poncho and hat
>I grab my bag and go on into the bathroom
>thankfully someone had cleaned the milk out of the tub while we were away

>I had to drain and refill the tub 3 times as I washed, because the blood turned the water black as ink
>I stared down at the drain, now knowing where it led all too well
>I saw Ding’s limp body every time i closed my eyes
>that can’t happen again
>we need a better plan
>better gear
>we can’t use explosives, or we’ll endanger the foundation of a whole city
>in the corner, I see a familiar bottle
>huh, bleach
>I didn’t know stuff like that was being imported
>I may have a plan 
>finish bathing, and see that the fur collar of my coat was already turning white, the bloodstains on the gray fabric fading
>must be some enchantment
>even the tears left by the Skaven’s claws were stitching closed
>thanks, Loreli
>I look at myself in the mirror
>my dark hair is now shoulder length, and my beard is full and proper, with the occasional braid
>I’ll have to see if Loreli, or a servant, can cut my hair in the morning
>I manage to get it back under control with an ivory comb I found sitting on the sink
>I take a good piss, the kind that just gets you ready for bed, and hope it ends up in the mouth of a Skaven, down in the sewers
>pull on a pair of white boxers with pickaxes all over them, a birthday gift from Governor Gwynne, back at Neumagh
>”Ye’ be needin’ a proper pair of underpants down here boyo! Dwarven ‘nderpants!”

>walk out of the bathroom, and find Loreli sitting on the bed, running a brush through her hair
>she’s stripped down to her tank top and panties
>by the /k/ube those legs
>be strong, Anon
>she sees my boxers, and lets out a laugh
>look at the bedside table, and see Ding sitting up, hugging a casing and chewing on some jerky
>she waves and I wave back
>”I’m glad you’re okay, don’t know how I’d manage without my ammo fairy.”
>Ding blushes redder than a cherry, hugging her casing tighter
>I laugh and cross to the fireplace, tossing another log on the fire
>as I turn to go to the bed, the door opens, Kalcium sticking his head in
>I can hear that maid giggling, and see her hand stroking his ribs
>”Hey guys, I’ll be spending the night with Milky. Hey Anon! Nice ass! Keep up the squats!”
>he then just
>closes the door and leaves
>look back at my chiseled ass
>finally, someone noticed

>I check the bars on the windows, securely built, and too close together to squeeze through
>good
>maybe I can actually have a good night for once
>blow out the candles, rub Ding’s head, and climb into bed, putting an arm around Loreli
>she mumbles something in elvish, and reaches out, touching my beard
>turn my eyes to look at her, and feel her legs brush mine as she snuggles closer
>”Looks like we can actually get some sleep tonight.”
>glance at my wrist, then realize I’m a retard who left it in the bathroom
>glance to my right, seeing she left my shotgun on my bedside table, with two spare shells
>chuckle
>”What? It’s good to be prepared, right? I even cleaned the rest while you were cleaning yourself.”
>turn back to her to see her pouting at me, her ears twitching
>she smells like gun oil and pinecones
>she gives my beard a tug
>”Oh, the human isn’t going to thank the generous elf?”
>”Thanks.”
>she lets go of my beard and closes her eye, pressing a cheek to my shoulder
>”I may have a plan where we won’t lose anyone.”
>her eye slides open again, and she cocks a brow “Oh? Are you going to tell me?”
>I yawn, and simply tell her “In the morning.”
>with that, I drift off

1/23/19
 
>”You want to what?”
>she’s pretty skeptical about my plan
>we were still in bed, but eating breakfast off of a tray Chef Goatfuck sent up
>I hand Ding another piece of bacon, which I suspect is some kind of magic boar or goblin
>breddy gudd
>Loreli takes a bite out of some toast “So, we just gas them? And have the citizens “beat the shit” out of any that try to escape for a bounty?”
>”Yup. I asked the maid who brought us the food, and they have mountains of human cleaning products, including Ammonia and Bleach. You mix those, and you get a gas that we used back on my world to kill thousands.”
>”Okay, how do you know how to make this gas?”
>”Some dumbass on 4chan once decided to test a gas mask by making it in his bathroom. He forgot it pretty much melts your skin and he also made enough to fill an apartment building.”
>Loreli shivers, and takes another bite “You humans, most of you seem stupid, but you’re experts at killing each other. Without the use of magic no less!”
>”Well, the guy who created something called the “Peace Prize” also invented dynamite.”
>”You humans…”
>I pinch one of her ears, making her squeak and drop her toast
>”So? Do you approve of my method of mass genocide?”
>Ding tugs my collar, asking for more food
>hand her a hunk of my omelette
>Loreli chews “Wouldn’t that poison the water supply?”
>”This is a castle meant for sieges, and that means they have an aquifer meant to last months, supplied by rain water, and most importantly, seperate from the sewers. The people just have to get water rations from here until the water clears up, or we find a cleric to purify it.”
>she looks at me
>”You know, this just might work.”
>I nod, swallowing a bite of my omelette “I’ll discuss the bounty with the Countess later, to get the civilians to help for little to nothing.”
 
>after I told the Countess my plan, she reached down the front of her gown, grabbed a flask, and poured alcohol into her blood goblet
>”I’m not drunk enough for this shit…”
>as I’m about to explain further, Kalcium sprints into the throne room, wearing his Nazi Officer cap, and with a long spiked dildo flopping from his pelvis
>”HEY BOSS I HEARD WE’RE GASSING THE JEWS!”
>”N-n-no Kalcium we’re gassing the rats…”
>”I DIDN’T HEAR A NO!”
>he helicopters the dildo and flies out of the room, shouting that he’ll get his stuff ready
>the Countess clears her throat, her face and ears red as a tomato, and shifting on her throne
>beside me, Loreli is cupping her face in her hands, her ears bright red
>”I like the plan, especially since we could do it again if needed. It would be a morale boost for the citizens.”
>”So what would be a good price to set the bounty at?”
>she takes a deep drink from her goblet, sighing, and wipes blood from her chin
>”Ten Silver coins. The peasantry would rip each other apart for that money, not to mention the Skaven.”
>”I like the way you think. So, I need to figure out a delivery method for the gas, and we need to fill the aquifer.”
>I think for a minute
>”How fast can we get a courier to Neumagh?”

>I drew up some concepts, and wrote a letter to Gwynne
>I pretty much asked him to get my idea working, and send it as soon as dwarvenly possible
>gave it to Steven, and a full group of 6 Vampire guards
>tell them to act as absolutely friendly as possible or they’ll get turned into salsa
>no pressure
>they hop on some undead skeleton horses, which proceed to ride straight down the cliffside, and onto a road
>I don’t even know anymore
>fucking vampires man
>meanwhile, I coordinated with several guards to train groups of villagers well enough so that the day of gassing isn’t a bloodbath
>we only accidently killed like eight guys
>pussies couldn’t handle training with loaded rifles
>that’s what you get for ignoring trigger discipline and looking down barrels

>a week later, and the civilians have become an adequate fighting force
>we have started a “death drive” to gather as much ammonia and bleach as possible
>people have even begun extracting ammonia from their piss, jarring it, and turning it in
>a few Skaven groups have come out at night, only to get decimated by ravenous filthy peasants with torches and single shotguns
>I even saw a group of peasants crucify a Skaven, remove its genitals, and then burned it alive
>we in Yharnam now
>not to say our defense is perfect, peasants have been dying/kidnapped, but not as much as before
>Kalcium has been leading a gang of young hooligans that he took over, and renamed the Milk Men
>they’ve been witnessed drawing and quartering, drowning, beating, shooting, and even waterboarding skaven, all with milk somehow involved in the method of killing
>he’s given them all Nazi armbands, and milk men caps made from skaven skin
>Loreli and I were teaching the Countess and Armor how to clean and field strip guns when Steven came in, the guards that had accompanied him were carrying several crates
>fuck yes
>wait
>how the fuck did you assholes get there so fast?
>”We took the train from the next city over.”
>damn
>open the crates, and find bronze devices attached with two tanks each
>each tank holds a separate liguid, and when a timer attached to the device finishes ticking down, it will drain both tanks into a vented compartment
>think of how the bombadier beetle works
>when the liquids mix, the resulting gas will rush through the vent and fill the tunnels
>it turns out, dwarves had smaller versions of these devices to clear out pests that invaded their mines
>Loreli lets out a whistle as she inspects the rugged casing, and the delicate clockwork protected within
>after inspecting the maps of the tunnels, we find spots that would work the best, and could be accessed from above
>we plant 9 out of ten devices, and set them for high noon tomorrow
>the last one was a little more difficult, we were accosted by the Skaven
>thought I was fucked up until the Milkmen charged in, firing guns and swinging clubs
>poured milk all over the bodies, then pissed on them
>they were
>kinda fucking scary
>I’m glad Kalcium is on our side
>we made sure to conceal the bombs, so no Skaven would mess with them
>like Orcs, they’re retarded, so it isn’t hard

1/24/19

>fucking finally
>as the sun began to rise, we had finally concluded our preparations
>in an attempt to keep as much of the gas and Skaven underground as possible, we had covered as many access points to the underground with tarps, soil, and even spare masonry
>we had assigned civilians and guards into groups of six, one guard per group, each were also given a flare gun, with an orange flare
>”If you can’t fire it into the air, just use it on yourself, or the biggest Skaven you see.”
>they are to fire the flare if they encounter Skaven breaking through
>we had encountered Skaven who attacked as we fortified
>they might have thought that we were trying to keep them out
>no
>we are trying to keep them in
>as Loreli and I returned to the castle, we were met by the Countess, her Bodyguard, and twelve vampire guards, robed in red instead of black
>the countess was wearing a tiny suit of well-fitted armor, black, and with golden accents
>in her hands, she carried a spear of black iron, with a CZ Skorpion Evo 3 on her hip
>her guards carried similar spears, with SAIGA shotguns slung on their backs
>”My friends, I am here to tell you I fully intend on joining this operation.”
>”Well why didn’t you ask earlier?”
>she blushes, shuffling her feet “I… couldn’t find my armor…”
>I look at Loreli and laugh
>”Fair enough.”

>twelve hours later, I stood on the battlements of the castle, overlooking the city
>looking down at my watch, I counted down
>”Three... two… one.”
>around me, my team, minus Kalcium who wanted to “Fuck some Skaven face” with his gang, and the Countess’ team tensed, waiting
>2 flares flew into the air, near the outer edge of the city, the Red Light District
>3 more fired a little closer, near the market
>Loreli hands me a pair of binoculars, and I take a look
>clouds of gas filled the air around the breached sections, with large, twisted figures convulsing within as they dragged themselves from the breaches
>we heard the reports of firearms as the teams fired into the clouds, gunning the runners down
>”How is it going?” asked the Countess from the shoulders of Armor, impatiently
>”It’s going pretty well. We may not even have to fight.”
>just an hour later, the three remaining breaches that opened up had been secured, with no more Skaven activity reported
>the Countess and I led our large team through the streets, and encountered a pretty sizable group of Skaven who had killed the team that had tried to stop them, near the market
>they were already coughing up blood and staggering from the effects of the gas and wounds inflicted by the team they had torn through
>the Countess simply snapped her fingers, and Armor charged, with her on his shoulders
>they fucking butchered all thirty of the Skaven
>Armor swung his seven foot blade in horizontal swathes, cutting down up to 4 or five at a time
>the Countess was impaling, or simply ripping her enemies apart with her own hands
>I heard her yell “EW GROSS” with every kill
>”I CAN SMELL THE SHIT IN THEIR BLOOD! AHHHH IT’S IN MY HAIR!”
>she vomits red onto the cobblestones
>”I need a bubble bath…”

1/25/19

>well that went easier than usual
>we only lost like 30 civilians
>afterwards, the city had a huge celebration
>food, booze, music
>all out in the streets
>it was the first night in years with no Skaven attacks
>Kalcium and his gang were handing out free bottles of milk
>the following chugging competitions caused the gutters to run with vomit
>as I watched from the battlements of the castle, fireworks exploded in the night sky
>Ding cried out on my shoulder, hiding behind the collar of my jacket
>she forgot any fear when she saw the colors lighting up the sky
>”You look like you’re enjoying the celebration.”
>I turn to see Loreli strutting towards me from inside, carrying a bottle of wine
>”I don’t have much experience with parties.”
>she laughed, leaning on the battlement next to me, holding out the bottle
>I smile, taking the bottle and taking a sip
>that’s good shit
>I hand her the bottle, and she takes a sip
>she hiccups, giggling
>”You lightweight, how much did you have before you came out here?”
>she blushes, ears twitching “Just a bit. I wanted to try it…”
>a firework explodes closer than most, and she jumps, grabbing onto me
>I grab the bottle as she drops it, and put my other arm around her waist to steady her
>”Hey, you okay? You almost dropped the…”
>I look up and see her face inches from mine, her blush deeper than ever
>”Hey…”

>she slowly wraps her arms around the back of my neck, and she shivers
>her breath smells like the wine
>I feel my heart pounding as she leans in
>I meet her halfway
>she has to crane her head upward as our lips meet
>she’s all soft and tastes like wine and blackberries
>I wrap both arms around her waist, pulling her closer
>the entire world seemed to fade, like we were underwater
>we pull apart and just stare at each other
>see Ding give a thumbs up from over Loreli’s shoulder
>gives me a look that says “Well it’s about fuckin’ time.”
>Lorelli leans into me, squeezing tighter “Anon…”
>I put an arm under her butt, and pull her up, her legs wrapping around my waist
>fuckfuckfuck
>my legs feel like they’re made of jello
>she’s so warm
>”Let’s go to our room.” she whispers in my ear
>GOTTAGOFAST.jpg
>sprint down the passageways with a drunk elf grinding against me the whole time
>I now smell like blackberries and pine
>sprint past a door with milk pooling under it, hearing Kalcium’s demented shrieks of “YES ONEE-SAN” and the moans of the maid
>get to the double doors, feeling a hot, wet, spot on the arm supporting her
>I turn around, letting her unlock the door
>my hands were full with a bottle of wine and a cute elf cowgirl
>pretty much kick the door open, and push it closed with my back to it
>make out as I lean on the door, still holding her
>by the /k/ube elves have long tongues
>she fumbles with my belt as I pull at her tank top
>she leans back and lets me pull it off
>no bra
>of course
>ain’t no bras in the old west
>she giggles, grabbing one of my hands and pressing it to her chest
>oooohfugg
>she finally figures out the latch on my belt with her tongue in my mouth, dropping my gun belt to the floor
>I shrug off my coat
>by the time we reach the curtained bed, the only clothing between us is her eyepatch
>let’s keep that on for now
>for now

>I awoke the next morning, with a naked elf in my arms, and with her legs tangled with mine
>damn she has some strong thighs
>she shifted when I moved, mumbling in her sleep, an ear nearly poking me in the eye
>I slid a hand up her back, and rubbed the back of her head
>she groaned, her bright green eye sliding open
>now how did I never understand how bright they are
>she made eye contact with me, and reached up, tangling her fingers in my beard
>”Come here…” she said, softly pulling on my beard, pressing her lips against mine
>when she pulls away from the kiss, she grabbed her head and closed her eye
>”Ah. Fuck. How much wine did I have?”
>I laugh, feeling a bit hungover myself, and pull her closer
>jump when I feel a cold elf hand grab my wood
>”Yes… we could just lay here a bit longer…”
>/K/ube help me

>after a little bit of wholesome morning snuggle struggle, we eventually made it into the bathroom to piss and bathe
>we can’t just stay in bed, after all
>I mean, we could
>where’s Ding?
>after brushing my teeth, my breath still smells like blackberries
>I can’t really fix the smell on my fingers
>Loreli blushes as I turn to her in the bath, and sniff my hand while staring at her
>”Gross human… being so rough with me…”
>”Right back at you knife ears…”
>laughter bounced off the walls of the bathroom
>who could have guessed that just yesterday we had commited mass genocide?
>we get back into the room, to gather our clothes, and see a piece of paper had been slid under the door
>”Friends, when you are ready, I will be waiting in the throne room. I have another job for you. -The Countess”
>”P.S. the fairy spent the night with me, she is very good at chess.”
>okay good she’s safe
>turn and feel my boxers hit me in the chest, Loreli sitting on the bed, wearing her underwear and tank top, smirking
>roll my eyes “You really want me to put these back on? We could just stay in bed…”
>she tosses my shirt at me, and giggles “Work before pleasure. Don’t tempt me.”
>”Sure…”
>we get dressed
>we don’t exactly hurry
>but we got dressed and started to the throne room, Loreli leaning against me, with her fingers entwined with mine
>as we entered the chamber, the Loli looks right at us and asks “Did you have a nice night?”
>Loreli may have been limping a little
>and I do smell like blackberries

>Loreli coughs, her ears turning red “So, you mentioned work?”
>the Countess cackles from her throne, kicking her legs
>after clearing her throat, she began “I want to go on a cruise.”
>I look at Loreli, and back at the Countess “So… you want us to go with you?”
>she smiles, her little fangs flashing “I need security, and, I thought I would treat my friends.”
>she points at Armor, who stares at me “He’s going with us.”
>sure why not
>we do need a scary ebony giant
>it’s not like we can invite Shaq
>knowing the Countess, she probably would
>the Countess snapped, the guards carrying out the iron chest with our pay in it
>”I will also raise this by a quarter.”
>”You know, we’d go along with you anyway.”
>she perks up “Oh! So I don’t have to pay?”
>NO NO NO
>”We will accept the pay as a gift from out adorable best friend.”
>the Countess claps her hands, smiling ear to ear
>”It will be a month round trip, with full accomodations, and private cabins!” she was actually holding up a pamphlet 
>”I took the liberty of booking you a cabin, and, as my guards, you can carry your sidearms.”
>wow
>this cruise is freer than half the states in America
>count me in
>squeeze Loreli’s hand, and from the look in her eye, I know she’s thinking what I’m thinking
>wait
>”Hey, where’s Kalcium?”

>he left you this, and ran off with my maid
>she holds out a letter, which Ding flies over to me
>I open it, and clear my throat
>”Dear Niggers, me and my Milk Momma are going on a trip, and will head back to Saunders’ Glenn. Her titties will bring much calcium to my bones, and to my non-existent heart. And penis. I’ll just say it, my niggas, I love you more than mein Fuhrer loved Germany, even you, Ding, my realest Nigga. Live long and prosper, ride or die, drink your milk. Love, Kalcium Schnittzelnazi the 14th. P.S. Asuka is best girl.”

>I wipe a tear from my eye
>I’ll miss you Kalcium
>the real prize was the milk we drank along the way
>oh well I’m sure we’ll run into him again
>”So, when do we leave?”
>the Countess paises “Tomorrow, at noon. We’ll take my carriage.”
>”We need time to clean up the mess the skeleton left…”
>”How bad?”
>it turns out he somehow covered every surface in the Maid’s room with breastmilk, filled the bathtub with blood, and glued dildoes to the cieling 
>kek
>”You two should visit the market, after all, you have some pocket money.”
>smugloli.jpg

>”How do they look?”
>Loreli looks up from the skewer she got, and looked me over
>I had decided to buy some real armor, which consisted of steel plates I could strap onto my forearms, thighs, and shins
>”I like them, very… knight-y.”
>”Alright cowgirl.”
>I look at my watch
>”Hey, the gunsmith should be done.”
>she immediately perks up, her eye widening
>she grabbed my hand and pulled me along, Ding flitting after us, casually chewing a hunk of roasted Skaven
>a bell above the door chimed as we entered
>”HEY HEY HEY GUYS WELCOME BACK!”
>a dwarf calls over to us from behind the counter, entire racks of firearms sitting behind him
>”Hey. Is it done? Were you able to restore it?”
>Loreli is jumping up and down
>the dwarf laughs, an puts a wooden box on the counter
>Loreli hugs me, and opens the box, her eye widening
>we had been carrying the smashed remains of her second revolver with us
>couldn’t just leave it up North
>and now, we have just had it not only rebuilt, but improved
>she reaches in, and gingerly lifts out her new revolver, the barrel was extended by an inch, the metal blued, silver engravings added, and the powdered ivory grip completely replaced
>on the side of the new bull barrel, the name “Skeleton Key” was inscribed in dimly glowing elvish script
>she tests the weight, the grip, the hammer, the cylinder, and even rubs a drop of the oil the dwarf used between her fingers and sniffed it
>she then set her other revolver on the counter, dropped a bag of coin on the counter, and ordered for him to renovate her other baby
>I smell blackberries

1/26/19

>”Can you give it a rest? You’ve been doing that for twenty minutes.”
>Loreli looks at me, spinning her revolvers like revolver ocelot “What?”
>”You know what I mean. You’ll hurt yourself.”
>”Come ooooon beau! You’re acting like I’ve never done this!”
>we were taking a walk around the battlements of the castle 
>the view of the sunset from up here is pretty great
>Ding was sitting on my shoulder cuddling that casing from the Annihilator I gave her way back
>I take a deep breath, and cross my arms “Alright, just don’t blame me when I have to get you an ice pack.”
>I swear this girl

>”Okay. They’re all set up.”
>I step back and look at the twelve bottles I had set up on the battlements overlooking the ocean
>Loreli spins a revolver, reversing it and holding it out to me, grip first, which I take
>”So, I get the ones on the left, you get the right?”
>she nods, still spinning her revolver
>”How about this Anon, we both fan the hammer. Whoever hits more gets the side of the bed closest to the fireplace.”
>”Ahh come on woman. We both know I’m not going to beat you with revolvers. Besides, we both know you don’t get cold.”
>her ears twitch as she smugly smirks “Oooh so you admit elves are superior shooters?”
>I take the bait “Deal. I go first.”
>she takes a casing out of her pocket, which Ding immediately eyes up
>”You go the second this touches the ground. Ready?”
>”Ready.”
>I take up a stance, feet stable, and knees slightly bent
>revolver gripped in my right hand, and at my side
>she flicks the casing over my shoulder
>the moment I hear the casing strike the stone beneath my feet, I raise the revolver
>hold down the trigger, and fan my left hand against the hammer
>miss
>hit
>miss
>miss
>hit
>hit
>damn this enchantment feels weird
>I kept overcompensating for recoil that was already drastically reduced
>hell my last shot impacted the stone just underneath the bottle
>”Pssst. Come on Loreli. This is just a trick made to look cool…”
>I turn, and see her take a step next to me, her hand raising in a blur, and all six of her bottles exploded in the blink of an eye.
>gives me a smirk
>damn you knife ear

>I lay under the covers, Loreli nestled under my arm
>her bare chest pressing into mine as she traces the scar on my brow with a finger
>”A cruise sounds nice…”
>”I guess, hopefully no Kraken get us… is there Kraken in this world? Giant mass of tentacles and teeth?”
>she chews her lip “There are a lot of things like that…”
>”They live in the oceans and sink ships?”
>she gives my beard a small yank “Be more specific.”
>sigh “Well, since you say that, it sounds like the Kraken isn’t the only thing I should be worried about…”
>she yanks my beard again, so I reach over and pinch her ear
>”Stop it.”
>”No you stop.”
>this went on for a few more minutes
>”My beard hurts.”
>”My ear hurts.”
>she leans her head forward, kissing me
>”We should sleep.”
>”Noooooo.”
>”Loreli…”
>she squeaks as I pinch her butt
>”Fine. Come here you…”

>I wake up a few hours later, cold
>the fireplace is out
>I roll over and find that she’s gone
>I hear chewing 
>grabbing my zippo from the bedside table, lighting it
>at the edge of the light I see a huge, bulky figure
>it turns around, dropping something
>Loreli’s face stares, dead eyed from the floor
>the figure steps closer, revealing a huge orc, wearing a twisted black crown, and a torn Adidas track jacket
>blood drips from his mouth as he approaches the bed, stepping on Loreli’s head with a wet crunch
>my eyes flash to the bedside table, finding my shotgun is gone
>I rummage through the pillows, but her revolver is also vanished
>I turn back to the foot of the bed, but the orc is gone
>suddenly it grabs me from the side of the bed, slamming me against the headboard, causeing me to drop my lighter, which sets the transparent silk curtains ablaze
>as it holds me against the burning bed, it leans in so close I could smell her blood on it’s breath
>”You do his will… even now…” he repeats, from so long ago
>his head slides off with a wet sound, and the body falls onto me, pinning me to the flaming bed
>all I see are dead eyes reflecting in the darkness around me
>I wake up with a scream, Loreli holding onto my arm, begging me to wake up
>fuck

>as we stepped outside, the Countess sprayed her exposed face and arms with another layer of sunscreen
>”You see, friends, being 10000 years old, and well fed, I already have a level of sunlight resistance. But, this marvellous sunscreen that humans invented takes off the level of discomfort that I still felt!”
>she pulled on a pair of sunglasses, and spun in the sunlight
>”Ahhh it’s been too long!”
>Armor passed us, carrying the Countess’ luggage, with a large, straw hat on his armored helmet
>the carriage was pretty nice, large and made of dark wood, heavily reinforced, and had a large .50 caliber machine gun on the roof, which armor sat behind on a large chair, in front of the luggage
>two skeletal horses stood, as still as statues, in front of the carriage, with a hooded man sitting on the driver’s seat
>a guard opened the door, bowing as we climbed in, Loreli, Ding and I sitting facing forward, across from the Countess
>the interior was cool, with the windows covered by dark curtains
>the seats were smooth, red velvet
>it was all lit by glowing crystals set into the walls
>Loreli leaned against me, her hat in her lap
>Ding settled on the windowsill, and sighed as she hugged a casing
>”Oh. Right.” said the countess, who swung the door open “Steven is in charge!”
>the guards still milling around groaned
>as she closed the door and sat back down, Loreli asked “Why Steven?”
>the Countess smirked “He’s sweet, and to fuck with all of them.”

>2 hours into the 6 hour ride, Loreli had fallen asleep on my shoulder, so the Countess and I made quiet small talk
>”So the castle was built in a war, by your family?”
>”That’s right. ten thousand years ago.”
>”It has been well kept, Countess.”
>”Please Anon, call me Meveliarde. We’re friends, after all.”
>”Is Mev okay?”
>she smiles, baring her fangs “Yes!”
>”Alright Mev, so, how about that suit of armor of yours?”
>she chews her cheek “I found him in the wine cellar when I was a child, before I was turned.”
>”Why was he down there?”
>”He was one of the soldiers built for the war, and he must have been forgotten.”
>”He seems very protective of you.”
>”You could say he is as protective of me as you are of your elf.”
>I steal a glance at Loreli
>”Though, we certainly aren’t as close…” she said with a smirk
>”What?”
>”I’m a vampire. I can hear and smell everything.”
>she leans forward “Everything.”
>”Besides, despite my appearance, I am a lady. I know about those kinds of… things.”
>she seems uncertain
>though I doubt many would be lining up at her door with her looking as young as she does
>”I also hear you both when you wake up from nightmares…”
>stare at her
>”I won’t pry. I have my fair share…”
>I smile ear to ear “So you heard Kalcium and his maid?”
>she gets this dead eyed stare “Yes.”

>she pulls her carry on onto her lap
>”By the way, I will need you to keep this for me. As my security.”
>hands me her Skorpion SMG 
>look it over
>small leather holster with belt loops
>extra magazine
>10 rounds
>silver bullets?
>weird flex but okay
>very well cleaned
>weird runes inscribed on the casing, glowing a dim green
>”Petrification enchantment.”
>”I see.”
>clip the smg inside my coat, careful not to wake up Loreli
>”So, are the stories true?”
>”Yes.”
>”All that for her?”
>I look at the elf drooling on my shoulder, and smile
>”Yes.”
>”I feel safe, having the three of you come along.”
>”That’s what we’re for, after all.”

1/27/19

>”Yay! We’re here!”
>I squint as the countess throws upon the door to the carriage, letting sunlight pour in
>she had almost forgotten her sunscreen, and had pulled on a wide brimmed hat and a pair of heart shaped sunglasses
>Loreli snorted and woke up, cringing as the light hit her eyes
>”Mornin’.”
>”Loreli it’s like 5 or 6 in the afternoon.”
>”Mornin.”
>she plants a kiss on my cheek and stands, wobbling
>”I just gotta stretch ma’ legs…”
>almost falls out of the carriage
>glares when I laugh at her
>”Clumsy elf.”
>”S-shut up.”
>as I get out and let Loreli lean on me, the Countess calls back
>”Is she okay? Did you two start your vacation already?”
>Loreli stutters “N-no!”
>reach in and grab our packs, with Ding snoring inside of mine
>Armor steps down from the roof, carrying the Countess’ luggage, which included my FAL, on his shoulder in a massive trunk, with our treasure chest under his other arm
>what an absolute unit
>he never skips leg day
>as he passes, see that huge sword just attached to his back
>magnets?
>well he is magic…

>we follow the Countess along the sidewalk, getting odd stares from passersby and guards
>this place is pretty nice
>”Here we are!”
>look up
>”Uh, Mev, this is a train station…”
>”Yeah?”
>”I thought you said this was a cruise…”
>”It is!”
>I should have expected this
>the train was pretty impressive
>the first few cars that sat behind the massive, armored engine had a 88mm PAK gun and a 40mm BOFOR on the roofs
>stretching out behind them were 3 passenger cars, a galley car, 2 storage cars, and a caboose, all 80 feet long, seemingly well armored, and with 2 stories
>the passenger cars even had railings around the rooftops, an upper deck
>Mev handed out tickets
>we had a cabin across the hall from hers, on the second floor of car 2
>our tickets also marked us as guards
>nice
>open carry for us
>”Tickets please.”
>a gnome in a little suit pokes me in the leg with a stick, his cap nearly covering his beady thief eyes
>”Here you go bud.”
>”Alright. Keys… keys...keys…”
>takes out the largest key ring I’ve ever seen
>like something from Willy Wonka
>hands me two keys “For your woman.”
>as we board, I bump a very tall, pale elf in a gray robe, a weird, silver amulet in the shape of a horse’s skull with a rack of antlers hanging around his thin neck
>”Oh, hey, sorry man.”
>”Good day, sir. I can smell his blessing on you.”
>”Oh no a cult recruiter
>Mister Manson no please

>”Blessing?”
>”Yes. I can see it in your eyes. Lord Rysulke be with you.”
>”Who?”
>before he can say anything, Loreli grabs my arm “Hey beau, let’s go see our room!”
>drags me away
>”What was that?”
>she seemed shaken “I’ll explain later.”
>on our way up the stairwell, we bumped into a high elf girl, looked about 16
>she stumbles, dropping her book
>”Hey kid, sorry, let me help you with that..”
>kneel, and hold out my hand, reaching out with my other to pick up the novel
>as I pull her up, I hold out her book
>”Hey, sorry if you lost your place…”
>see the cover 
>holy fucking shit
>’Extraordinary Tales from the New World: by Sir Alexander D. Derrings’
>on the cover is an illustration of Loreli, Alexander, and I, with Ding fluttering over my shoulder
>the crazy British bastard actually made it
>the elf girl takes her book back, and looks at the cover, then at us
>she jumped as Ding poked her head out of my pack
>oh no here we go
>the girl speaks in a thick elf accent
>”Y-you are?”
>”Breath hun. In and out.” Loreli said, placing a hand on her shoulder
>”C-c-can you all sign my book?”
>laugh, and pat myself down “Do you have a pen?”
>turns out the girls name is Ellior, and she has read the novel exactly 4 and a half times
>she’s especially fond of Loreli, who is her idol
>”Is it true you never miss a shot!?”
>Loreli laughs, flattered “Well, maybe once every couple dozen shots.”
>”Showoff.”
>Loreli gives me a punch in the arm “Shhhh.”
>Ding fluttered over to the girl, who stared, mystified
>Ding chattered at her, and Ellior responds “No! Really!?”
>Ding nods her head, and drops a .45lc casing from Loreli’s revolver into her palm
>Ellior smiles ear to ear, clutching the casing
>looks like I might have to share my elf 
>dammit

1/28/19

>as we continue to our room, we get stopped by a tall man in a red suit, a white tragedy mask covering his face, all topped by a red top hat
>”Excuse me. Are you traveling with a “Ding Pappalardo?”
>feel Ding freeze in my pocket
>”Why?”
>”Her Uncle would like to see her.”
>he motions to a door with a bow
>as he points, see the grip of a silver Beretta M9FS poke out from under his left arm, and a knife briefly prints on his ankle
>well fuck man I guess I better go in
>squeeze Loreli’s hand, and pat Ding’s pocket
>I mean it’s not like I’ve never killed an entire room before, right?
>as we enter, see an ipod plugged into a speaker playing ambient Italian music on a nightstand
>the entire cabin is lit by candlelight
>in the center of the room is a short table, with a silk tablecloth on it
>on top of that tablecloth, is a tiny doll table, with a gray haired fairy sitting, eating some kind of meat with a tiny knife and fork
>he squinted up at me, gesturing to a pair of chairs Mask brought out
>Loreli and I sit
>(Slimy fairy chatter, like meatballs spraying from an italian’s freshly lubricated asshole)
>”He says “So, I heard some interesting rumors you were traveling with a fairy named Ding…” translates Mask
>Ding pokes her head out of my pocket
>(even slimier fairy chatter, like a vagina full of spaghetti-os)
>Ding replies back, a weird accent making its way into her voice
>Mask translates as she flits down and stands in front of the fairy
>”You disappeared after the job. We thought you had died along with Gatrop.”
>Ding and the older fairy are standing in front of each other, arguing, making O’s with their fingers and waving their arms about
>they stop yelling and embrace, crying
>Loreli starts tearing up
>what the fuck are they saying
>Mask translates, tearing up “I am so happy to see you Firefly, the daughter of my beloved sister…”
>huh
>family reunions are weird

>Ding decided to stay and catch up, she’ll meet us in our room
>okay
>fuckin weird ass fairies
>Mask gives us a bow as we leave
>go down the hall, finding our cabin near the end of the car
>enter, and take a good look around
>it was nearly ten feet wide, and 15 feet long
>the ceiling was ten feet above us
>two one person beds sat, pushed against each wall, with a small bathroom behind a door in the wall near the entrance
>a low window stretched along the wall, letting smooth sunlight through
>it’s nicer than I expected
>Loreli and I pushed the beds together against one wall, just under the window
>better
>pull a stool from the corner, and flip a thin desk out from the wall, setting down our guns to clean
>revolvers, Skorpion, Sawn-off…
>oh shit
>set the Annihilator down after frantically searching the pockets of my coat
>phew
>I don’t want to lose that
>”Hey Loreli? Can you grab my kit?”
>”It’s in your coat you cowpoke.”
>”Is it?”
>”I packed it for you before we left.”
>pat myself down
>”I can’t find it…”
>she frowns, sitting her bag down on the bed
>is that lace I see in there?
>I guess I’ll find out later
>she stands me up, pats my sides a few times
>”That tickles.”
>she rolls her eyes as she pulls the kit out of my front pocket
>ahhh I remember now
>I guess I’m so used to Ding being in there I didn’t notice the weight
>”Thanks knife ear…”
>she smirks, and gives my beard a yank
>wrap an arm around her waist, and pause
>”Did you get shorter?”
>she looks like 2 inches shorter, her forehead at my chin
>she blushes, muttering in elvish
>look behind her
>her boots are laying by the bed
>laugh, and let her go, giving her a small smack on the ass as she walks back to the bed
>strip and clean the Skorpion, looks like it hadn’t been cleaned since the shoah
>still pretty nice

>just as I got done cleaning out the right barrel, my stomach let out a sound, which to some species, may have been a mating call
>Loreli leans on my shoulders from behind, admiring my handiwork
>”Hey beau, should we go to the dining car? I can already smell dinner…”
>groan as she gives my shoulders a rub
>”Sure. Just give me a minute, my legs are asleep…”
>”Oh I’ll wake your legs up alright.”
>tempting
>but I need food
>”Tell you what. We get dinner, then I’ll have enough energy to put your legs to sleep.”

>there wasn’t really a dining car, just the downstairs area of the furthest passenger car forward
>as we entered, we got waved over by the Countess, who was sitting at a table, Armor hunching near her
>sat across from her was Ellior, who turned around excitedly
>”Hello friends.” said the Countess as she gestured to 2 empty seats
>I sit next to the countess, and Loreli sits across from me, next to Ellior
>Loreli give Ellior a smile and nod
>the Countess tugs on my sleeve “You do have my security, Anon?”
>casually move my coat aside, revealing her Skorpion holstered under my arm
>”Excelent.”
>Loreli and I had grabbed our shotgun and pistols, respectively
>”Anon, Countess, I’m running to the bar, do you want anything?”
>”I’ll have a beer.”
>the Countess scoffed at me ordering something as simple as a beer
>”I’ll have a red wine, something nice, I’m buying. So you two can treat yourselves!”
>”Can I have some too?” 
>I look at Ellior 
>”How old are you?”
>”15.”
>she looks younger
>elves are weird
>she could be lying to me
>nah
>why would she do that?
>”If you behave I’ll give you a sip of my beer.”
>I’m a responsible adult

>a few minutes later, Loreli sets a tray with wine, glasses, and a mug of beer for me
>yay beer
>no more faggy elf wine
>Loreli waves a bottle at me, and I choke on my beer when I recognize it as the same kind we shared during the celebration
>”Let’s take this one back up after we eat.”
>/k/ube save me
>”Are you in heat woman?”
>”Heat?” asks Ellior innocently
>”N-nothing.”
>Loreli laughs as she takes a seat in my lap, an arm around the back of my neck
>Ellior looks like she’s had her favorite ship confirmed
>I think it has been
>Loreli leans in close, acting like she’s giving me a kiss on the cheek
>”Do you see those 4 men at the bar? In the brown coats?” she whispers to me
>she angles the bottle so I can see behind me in the reflection
>”Yeah. What about them?”
>”Look closer.”
>I focus, noticing the imprint of several firearms under their coats
>”They could be security, like us.”
>”Look by the window, to your left.”
>she laughs, repositioning herself, and giving me a view of the window
>2 more guys in brown coats, acting nonchalant
>see them look over at the bar
>I see the Countess holding her glass, stone still
>she certainly hears us
>Loreli laughs again, sneaking a hand into my coat, and I feel her grasp the grip of the Skorpion
>cup her chin with one hand, lean in and kiss her neck, moving my mouth up to her ear “Be. Ready.”

>one of the men near the window stomps his foot three times
>the men pull on masks, and draw 1911s and Mossberg Shockwaves from their coats
>”NOBODY MOVE! THIS IS A ROBBERY!”
>the next few seconds were a bit of a blur
>I rise, knocking the table over with my knee, Loreli still holding onto me
>the Countess grabs Ellior with her freaky vampire speed, holding her down behind the table
>Armor hunkers over the two to cover them
>Loreli draws the Skorpion from my coat, while I draw my sawn-off with one hand
>as Loreli aims the SMG under my arm, I raise my sawn-off at the two men near the window, both barrels firing a wall of pure 00 buckshot
>I hear Loreli fire under my arm, the Skorpion spitting lead
>as the men near the window are shredded by buckshot, I hear the shouts of the 4 men near the bar
>I spin, dropping Loreli, who lands on her feet and rolls behind armor, dropping the Skorpion and drawing a revolver, tossing the other one to me as I discard my empty shotty
>my hand was already reaching for the revolver as she tossed it
>grab it and fan off 4 shots into the last 2 men standing at the bar
>time seemed to speed back up to normal, casings, weapons, and bodies hitting the floor simultaneously
>damn that felt good
>oh wait
>shit
>I feel warm liquid flow down my right arm as I drop the revolver
>dammit I’ve been shot

>fall to my knees, holding my shoulder
>feel a squish under me
>fucking shit I just knelt in a plate of spaghetti
>one of the guys I shot near the bar is spasming around, holding his throat and spraying blood everywhere
>dammit I shot too low again
>fucking magic elf guns
>I hope Ellior isn’t watching
>she’ll end up as a murderous psychopath like me
>”Hey buddy. You doing okay?”
>he just kinda flops around and throws me the bird
>”Well it’ll probably be over soon…”
>more choking and gurgling
>he’ll be fine
>he stops moving
>I hear him shit his pants
>he wasn’t fine

1/30/19

>”Damn. I think the last person that shot me was my ex-wife…”
>”What?” asked Loreli
>”Nothing dear… can you help me? I’m leaking.”
>”Oh yeah. EVERYONE IS DEAD MEV!”
>the countess pokes her head out from under Armor
>her eyes widen
>”Holy shit guys.”
>”Just don’t let Ellior see…”
>suddenly, an elf enters the car, with Ding sitting on his shoulder, chattering excitedly
>”Anon! Long time no…”
>he looks around at the bodies
>”Holy shit Ding was right you haven’t changed…”
>who the fuck are you
>why is Ding with you
>he approaches, kneeling to look at my wound, Loreli training her revolver on him
>he’s wearing a weird olive green suit
>what’s that on his hip?
>wait
>it’s a fucking folding shovel
>he puts a hand on my non-shot shoulder
>”Good to see you buddy. Let’s get you patched up.”

>embrace Shovel in a manly no-homo way
>”Okay. I will use the magical skills that I have learned in the Jungles while hunting Charlie!”
>unfolds his shovel and presses his hand to it
>he’s whispering shit about how the trees are speaking vietnamese
>he concludes with “Fuck Gooks”
>shovel is glowing a soft white
>he then slaps me with the shovel
>the pain was gone a moment later
>shoulder feels better
>rub my jaw “Thanks for the warning dick.”

>”Oh no what happened here?!”
>turn and see a thicc, tanned elf wearing ridiculous face paint enter the car
>it’s kind of smeared around her mouth
>weird
>following her is a big, bulky elf dressed in feathers and pelts, a damn hatchet in his hands
>has the biggest strongest looking thighs I have ever seen
>huh
>”Ah, Anon, meet my wife, Walks-with-Brass.”
>oh yeah he got married
>I totally had a good reason not to go
>I think
>I got really drunk with Gwynne and woke up a week later
>”This is our bodyguard on our trip, “Lifts-Daily.”
>nice name
>with thighs like that it should be “Squats-Hourly” or “Drinks-all-Milk”
>Walks-with-Brass sorta leans against captain squat
>why does this seem familiar?
>”Sorry we were late Shovel, we wanted to make sure it was safe.”
>notice smear of face paint on one of his massive thighs
>wait
>oh fuck no
>they remind me of Janet and our neighbor Carlos
>fuck you Carlos I hope my sons kill you you piece of shit
>realize Shovel is totally getting cucked
>gonna have to talk with him about it later
>Lifts pulls a fucking MAC-10 out of his loincloth and sweeps the entire room
>no trigger discipline
>almost shoot the fucker

>we all move to the next car while that one is cleaned up
>hear the crew literally chuck the bodies off the roof of the moving train
>the Countess took Ellior to her room to talk and clean up
>we all sat around a table, with Loreli making a show to sit in my lap, for real this time
>Shovel and Loreli get along, they both have an appreciation for innawoods
>think I see Walks jerking Lifts off under the table
>either Shovel doesn’t notice or he has a plan to kill both of them
>fuck it I’d help
>caught Loreli peeking at Lifts’ freakishly large thighs
>I hate this fucker already
>at least Kalcium noticed my rock hard glutes
>we all piled our guns on the table to show off, with Walks being a noguns
>I may have looted all the guns from the robbers
>mine now
>offerings for the /K/ube
>fucking Lifts just tossed his loaded MAC-10 on the tabletop
>it went off and shot the hat off a gnome 
>fucking Lifts
>big bulky asshole
>Loreli grabs another bottle of that wine and we all go for the night
>share another manly hug with Shovel
>he’s staying in the cabin next to us with his wife, and Lifts had a cabin next to them
>Loreli and I save the bottle for later and just go to bed
>disregard pajamas, get comfy the /k/ommando way

>about an hour later, hear a shriek from down the hall
>oh come on
>really
>I can’t have one night with my elf
>sigh
>pull on some shorts
>Loreli slaps my glutes as I get up
>sounds like ham thrown against a brick wall
>rub my eyes and pick up my shotty
>”I’ll be back hon.”
>yawn and open the door
>see Shovel’s wife huddling in the hall in nothing but weird fur lingerie
>”Hey! Some of us were trying to sleep, or do the other things people do! Like clean guns!”
>Walks just looks at me and points into an open room
>sure
>Shovel comes out of his room as I walk past 
>sees me in nothing but workout shorts, my socks, and some sandals walking toward his cousin-wife with a shotgun
>it probably doesn’t help that I’m rock hard
>”What’s going on Anon?”
>”Don’t know, Bambi here was screaming.”
>as I enter the cabin, I see that for some reason every surface is covered in candles and rose petals
>see a barbell in the corner next to an empty jug of milk
>where is Lifts?
>look at the bed
>well shit
>his skin is gone
>as I reach out and poke him with the barrel of my shotty, just kind of falls apart
>I don’t think he’ll be fine

1/31/19

>”Good news Shovel. You have your wife to yourself now.”
>he gives me a funny look
>Loreli coughs into her hand, looking at the pile of red meat on the bed
>”What could have done this?” she asks
>look at the pile of elf salsa “No weapon I’ve ever seen…”
>”Not even the Annihilator?”
>Shovel looks at me “You have one of those?”
>”Long story. No, it usually makes people explode.”
>”Then what happened to him?”
>”Well, the door was unlocked, so it looks like he was expecting a visitor, and got one he wasn’t expecting.”
>look at Walks, who shamefully covers herself with her hands
>she looks at Shovel, who simply replies “Begone. I will be sure to discipline you later.”
>her face flushes and she stumbles back to her cabin
>I think she just left a puddle on the floor
>”So, Shovel, did you hear anything? Your cabin is right next door.”
>”No, nothing. Fucker was sneakier than a gook in a rice field.”
>”Hey Loreli, go get a guard or something.”
>she nods, tightens her robe, and walks off with Ding
>”Well this is fucked.”
>”Right, sorry I didn’t make it to your wedding.” I tell Shovel
>”It’s cool, you had your own engagements to oversee.”
>I gesture to the pile of red chunks on the bed
>”You didn’t do that, right?”
>he looks at me “Of course not. I had a plan to deal with him off the train.”
>good man
>”So why are you guys on the train anyway? Romantic vacation?”
>he looks around 
>”I’ll tell you later, in private.”

>I had just pulled on my clothes when the entire train lurched, gaining speed
>well fuck
>hear shouting out in the corridor, and Loreli burst in, Ding holding onto her shoulder
>as Loreli starts throwing on her gear, I ask what the hell is happening
>”There is something out there, killing passengers.”
>huh
>this escalated fast
>I was planning on tracking down the murderer in some huge mystery
>I even had a list of suspects
>”So much for a cruise. I’ll get the Countess.”
>”Be careful.”
>give her a quick kiss, and grab Ding
>the train lurched again, throwing me to the wall as I exited the cabin
>hear Loreli swearing in elvish as I cross to the Countess’ cabin and knock
>she answers, Armor standing behind her
>”Hey. We may have to cut the vacation short.”
>the train lurches again
>Loreli runs over, leaning on the wall
>”Anon. The train is going too fast. It could derail.”
>”Right. You take the Countess to the Caboose. Armor can probably disconnect it.”
>”And you?”
>”I’m going to stop this train.”
>she blinks “Then I’m going with you.”
>”No. You protect her. We’re security after all.”
>”Ano-”
>”No.” I interrupt, grabbing her by the shoulders
>”You go. I’ll follow you.”
>she looks like she’s trying to find something to say, but just grabs onto me
>”Be safe.”
>pat the back of her head
>”Anon!”
>look over and see Shovel dragging his woman out of their cabin, a weird, long case gripped in his hand
>”Shovel. You two go with them. Keep them safe or I’ll take your shovel away.”
>he looks at me, and pulls off his suit jacket, unholstering a 1911 tucked under his arm
>he shoves the weird casing into Walks’ arms
>”Woman. Go. I’ll spank you when I get back.”
>what the fuck
>sure
>whatever

>Shovel and I charge downstairs, and make our way towards the front of the train
>he grabs me and shoves me behind a fallen table as someone opens fire on us
>”Get down Anon! They’re in the train!”
>fucking who
>peek over the table and see two elves in black robes aiming rifles at us
>aim my shotty at center mass and fire, dropping an elf
>turn and see Shovel leap over the table, drawing his shovel and swinging, dropping another one
>”Fucking Gooks!” he shouts as he pummels the screaming elf
>holster my shotty and grab one of the SA80s that had been dropped
>we fight our way through the other two passenger cars, and get pinned down in some kind of storage car
>”Shovel! Your’re rusty pal!” I say as I poke out from behind a crate and fire a burst into an elf
>”Marriage does that.”
>we walk forward, stepping over many dead gnomes
>this shit is a gnome holocaust
>step on one
>pops like a tomato
>gross I have gnome on my boot
>these elves are pretty shitty at fighting
>their noodle arms can’t handle this
>we make our way to the engine, and I blow a hole through the door’s lock, kicking it in
>as we enter the engine, we see the conductor, crucified on the wall, impaled by what looked like bayonets
>I turn to Shovel, and see
>Shovel
>standing behind himself
>for a second, I don’t know if the crazy has finally caught up with me
>the Shovel raised a long, glinting bayonet and thrusts forward
>yank shovel out of the way and get stabbed in the fucking leg
>the fucking leg
>THAT IS NOT SHOVEL
>HE DOESN’T EVEN USE A KNIFE

>the fight makes its way up on top of the train
>just picture a fight that is a combination between the Three Stooges and Pirates of the Caribbean 
>false Shovel begins monologuing 
>”Aaahhh, so you have solved my plan…”
>fucking what no
>”You must have known it was me…”
>he ripples, and turns into that weird elf cultist guy
>who are you
>”YES! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!”
>WHO THE FUCK WERE YOU
>”SOON WE WILL USHER IN HIS RETURN!”
>WHOS FUCKING RETURN LORELI WAS TOO BUSY SUCKING ME TO TELL ME
>”NOW ALL I NEED IS THE RELIC!”
>”WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”
>he kind of stops, and looks at me
>”Really?”
>he twirls his bayonet
>”It is I! His prophet! Herald of Rysulke!”
>”WHO IS THAT?”
>he stops again, and looks at Shovel
>”Wait. He isn’t even involved?”
>”Nah.”
>”He doesn’t know about the Relic?”
>”Nope.”
>he bites his lip
>”Where is the relic?”
>the train shakes as the caboose disconnects
>”Gone.”
>he takes a deep breath
>”FUCK! THIS TOOK WEEKS TO PLAN!”
>”Hey buddy, you did pretty good. Did you at least have fun?”
>he glares at me
>”Are you fucking crying?”
>”NO!”

>he shouts, leaping at me with his bayonet raised high
>raise the rifle I took from one of his goons
>he fucking cuts right through it and slices into my left shoulder
>he ducks a swing by Shovel, spinning away, landing about ten feet down the train
>he throws his bayonet at Shovel, who ducks it with his freakishly flexible elf body
>some matrix shit
>I fall to one knee as the wound in my leg overwhelms me
>raise my shotty and fire both barrels at the guy, who attempts to dodge, taking shot to the left shoulder and torso
>fast fucker
>look down to my right, seeing us speeding along a sheer cliff face, waves crashing against the face far below
>must be 50 or sixty feet
>almost fall as the train lurches
>reload shotty and charge the elf as he lands with his back to me, and gets unbalanced 
>run straight into him, tackling him to the train
>I press my shotty to the back of his neck and fire both triggers
>wipe gore off my face when I feel a sharp pain in the left side of my gut
>look down and see the fucker’s bayonet stabbed through me
>I stagger and get caught by Shovel, who yanks the glowing blade from my body
>grab him by the shoulder 
>”Go. Stop the train. Save any survivors.”

>he drags me back to the engine, and begins to looking over the controls
>weird magic bullshit everywhere
>I drag myself upright, looking ahead of us
>see the lights of a station
>shit shit shit
>”Shovel! Find the brake!”
>he’s frantically reaching towards the controls, trying to find it
>I drag myself to this weird little door, like where you shovel coal
>look in and see fucking fire salamanders
>this thing runs on magic lizards
>”Sorry little guys.”
>reload my shotty, and poke the barrels into the grate
>see their adorable eyes plead with me
>fire into the engine
>hear their little shrieks
>oh god why

>feel the train begin to slow
>look at Shovel
>”Shovel! It should be a weird lever painted red!”
>”I AM COLORBLIND!”
>”THE ONE IN FRONT OF YOU!”
>”WHICH ONE IS IT!”
>”THE HORIZONTAL ONE!”
>he grabs it, pulling
>his skinny elf arms can’t handle anything that isn’t a shovel
>”Pretend it’s a shovel!”
>he screams as he pulls, the brake moving an inch
>”Pretend it’s the lever to gas all the gooks!”
>with a mighty roar he pulls, and the brake engages
>we’re thrown forward as the train lurches, the wheels shrieking
>see sparks flying outside
>feel the train derail and skid
>it slams into something
>then stops
>give Shovel a thumbs up as I pass out from blood loss

2/1/19

>I woke up three days later, wrapped in bandages and in an Inn
>Ding landed on my face, chattering at me
>”Yeah, yeah, good to see you too.”
>groan as I sit up, and hear something shatter to my right
>look over and see Ellior, mouth agape, with a smashed bowl dropped near her feet
>”Hey kid.”
>she turns and runs into the hall “Loreli! He’s awake!”
>get to a sitting position on the edge of the bed
>by the /k/ube I’m stiff
>Loreli walks in and stands in front of me
>”Hey.”
>”Hey.”
>she punches me in the shoulder “That is for runnin’ off like that and almost gettin’ yourself killed.”
>give a weak smile and rub my shoulder
>”Alright. I’ll take it.”
>she kind of chews her lip and looks at the floor
>”I’m glad you’re okay, just, don’t do that again.”
>”I won’t.”
>she makes eye contact with me “Promise.”
>”I promise, now come here…”
>she weakly smiles, and sits on the edge of the bed, letting me put an arm around her
>my stomach growls, and I look at the shattered bowl of soup on the floor
>Loreli laughs, and wraps her arms around me “I really am glad my human is okay.”
>”Love you too Knife-ear, now can we get me some food?”

>I was still recovering from my wounds, something about that knife or bayonet or whatever the guy was using was slowing the healing process, even with spells
>great
>I never even found out that fuckers name
>it’ll take another 2 days to fully heal
>fuckin magic bullshit
>I mean I didn’t die
>that counts for something I guess
>hobble my way downstairs and bump into Ellior again, who had gotten another bowl of soup
>I literally bumped into her and she spilled a bowl of hot soup all down my leg
>”MISTER ANON I’M SO SORRY!”
>grit my teeth, smile “I-it’s okay kid.”
>put a hand on the wall, trying to keep up the smile
>”Anon we should change your bandages.”
>”I’m good, kid ,lets go get some food.”
>AHHHHHHHH
>”So, Loreli, where is our Countess?”
>Loreli holds onto my arm and helps me hobble down the stiar
>”She said she was arranging things, she took Armor with her.”
>”Did we lose our luggage?”
>”We went through the luggage car on the way back, grabbed the chest and your rifle.”
>good
>fucking great
>we have our guns and money
>”You did ram the train into the station, and through a herd of sheep, so we had to pay for the damages.”
>”How much?”
>she chews her lip “Most of the money we had.”
>I grab my chest
>Loreli and Ellior grab onto me to keep me from falling down the stairs
>all of that money
>we committed genocide for that money
>I was going to buy a house and maybe some guns
>”I’m fine.”
>”Are you?”
>”Yep. Peachy.”

>we made our way down to the Inn’s eating area 
>nice place
>very homey
>”Hey Anon!’
>see Shovel sitting next to Walks at a table, near a window
>they had that weird box with them
>I sit down, and Ellior runs off for another bowl of soup
>hopefully I can actually eat this one
>”Anon. I promised you some answers.”
>he did?
>oh right
>”The truth is, this isn’t my wife, she’s my bodyguard. Lifts was just some guy who we took with us as a diversion.”
>that makes sense
>he was pretty distracting and stupid
>”So, why are you out here then?”
>he pats the box
>”We’re just keeping up a tradition, giving a relic as a sign of peace.”
>”Okay.”
>he raises his eyebrows “You don’t want to know more?”
>”Nah. You guys seem to have it under control. I just have to get me, Loreli, and the Countess home.”
>”What about the girl? Does she have someone with her?”
>shit
>rub my forehead
>there is always something
>”Yeah, I guess we should ask her if she has a way home.”
>”I have your soup mister Anon!”
>jump as she calls out from behind me
>carefully take the bowl from her
>”Thanks Kid. Say, you don’t have a way home, do you?”
>she looks at me “Oh. Right.”
>turns out she was on the train to meet her mother in some High Elf city to the south
>sounds like someone who could pay some kind hearted mercenaries pretty well to deliver her kid
>”Hey Ellior, what d’ya say to a road trip?”

2/2/19

>we said goodbye to the Countess and Armor, who would be going back to Waterlau
>”I will keep your room ready for you two to visit!”
>sure
>”You may want to clean the sheets.”
>Look at Loreli, who avoids my gaze
>she knows what she did
>after the Countess climbed in a carriage, we went back to the Inn to meet up with Shovel and see if he was leaving our story too
>he was playing poker with Ellior and Walks
>”How do you keep winning?”
>Ellior smiles “I guess I’m just lucky.”
>I notice Shovel has pulled on a pair of mirrored aviators
>Ellior is just looking at the reflections of his cards
>dammit Shovel
>she got him good
>she laughs, reaching forwards and swiping up the stacks of coins in the center of the table
>Shovel blows air out of his mouth and gives up
>Ellior turns around and sees us 
>”HEY GUYS!”
>Loreli hides a laugh with a cough “Hey Ellior!”
>Loreli and I sit down on either side of Ellior 
>turn to Shovel “Ya winning son?”
>he just chews his cheek and grumbles about Charlie
>haha now I’m the dick
>”So Shovel, where are you delivering that thing?”
>he kinda pulls a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket
>”Some place called ‘Neusrael’...”
>I dig out my map and lay it out on the table, have Walks hold the curling corner down
>”Okay, so we’re here… so…” drag my finger about a month to the southeast
>”Hey Ellior, where did you say you were going?”
>”Neusrael.”
>”Really?”
>”Yep.”
>I swear she’s lying to me again
>whatever I’ll get paid

>”Hey Loreli, we should get the kid some travel gear.”
>”Like what?”
>”Boots, a pack, some travel clothes, a gun…”
>”Anon she’s like…”
>she looks at Ellior “How old are you?”
>”Fourteen.”
>whatever she’s fourteen now
>guess I’ll just believe her
>”Okay, I guess we should find a shop?”
>we ended up finding a good shop run by this big family of Kobolds
>got Ellior some good travel clothes, a jacket, and some boots
>grab her a hat on the way out
>she pulled it on and tilted it like Loreli does
>oh so I can’t be a role model
>well that is probably the best what with the rampant murder and day drinking
>bump into a city guard and ask what a good gun shop is
>”You should go to ‘Drillfist’s Weaponry Emporium.’
>sure fucker
>find our way there, and it is beautiful
>a veritable temple of Kube
>”Welcome friends!”
>a dwarf comes out from behind the counter and reaches for my hand
>shake his hand and realize he has all of his limbs
>”Are you Drillfist?”
>”Drillfist Junior, my father had both hands replaced with drills to dig deeper.”
>whatever
>”So, got any good guns for a young elf girl?”
>he looks at Ellior, who is looking at a knife display with Loreli
>”Aye, I’ll find something perfect for her.”
>follow him to a wall, covered with rifles
>”Hmmmrnrnrnrn let’s see… skinny girl arms… small caliber… elf so a rifle…”
>he looks at me
>”Does your girl have experience?”
>”Not that I know of.”
>he sets a Ruger 10/22 on the counter, and sets a scope and 4 boxes of .22lr next to it
>that’ll do

>Loreli and Ellior come over, and set a Swiss 1957 bayonet on the counter
>nice choice
>we pay
>more of our cash gone
>goodbye new house
>we had just enough to get a used wagon and donkey
>it’ll take a few months to get there, at a good pace
>Loreli immediately climbs onto the driver’s bench, taking the reins, walks sitting next to her
>great, they’ll be gossiping the whole way
>Shovel lays down on the bench, laying his feet off the end of the cart, and starts snoring, one hand on his pack
>start teaching Ellior firearm safety
>she took to it pretty well, a good learner
>”I’ll teach you how to clean it when we stop somewhere.”
>”Thanks Mister!”
>”So kid, how are you feeling?”
>she puffs up her cheeks
>”I feel like I want to hold my rifle…”
>Kube you will have a new disciple soon
>”Okay, but I’ll hold onto the ammo.” I say as I slip the magazine into my pocket
>hand her the rifle, and she hugs onto it
>”So, do you have any experience?”
>”Not really. My grandfather taught me to use his crossbow.”
>”Okay, that’s better than a bow, right Loreli?”
>”She turns her head back to us, and nods, a cigarette in the corner of her mouth.”
>”Bows aren’t that bad…” says Walks, touching the compound bow on her back
>I’m no bow guy, but she does have taste

>update archive from here onwards

>”Well, this baby is the right arm of the free world.” I say, picking my FAL up off the floor near my feet
>Ellior stares at the rifle, mesmerised
>see her
>”If you get good enough with the Ruger, you can fire this sometime.”

>a few hours later, Walks took the reins, and Loreli joined the party in the back
>I had been telling Shovel and Ellior about what I had done after the siege of Neumagh Keep
>for Shovel it was to catch him up, and for Ellior, she was hanging onto every word
>”So I was holding it out like this, and it cut me right here…”
>I point at the scar on my brow
>Loreli piped up “I heard a shriek, and came running over to see what was happening, and I see this fool, naked, with half of his beard ripped off, face covered in blood, and fighting a rheed lurker!”
>I laugh “It was good dinner though, eh?”
>on my shoulder, Ding groaned, and mimed vomiting
>Ellior and Shovel are completely doubled over laughing
>I slap Shovel on the back, laughing with him
>we were deep on a forest road, and it was maybe 6 in the afternoon
>my stomach growls, and I press a hand to it
>”Hey guys, where’d we pack the rations?”
>everyone goes quiet
>fuck me
>we decided that we should make camp anyway
>we can go hunting
>after we made camp, it was decided that I would go with Walks to hunt some food
>”Hey Ellior, I’ll teach you to shoot when I get back.”
>”Okay!”
>Walks and I made out way into the woods, her doing her weird elf thing of silently jumping from tree to tree and not leaving a trail
>I tripped on a root and yelled “FUCK” ten feet in
>after about an hour, we managed to get a few rabbits
>she’s pretty damn good with that compound bow
>”So, what’s home like Walks?”
>”It’s nice, we train young, and live long.”
>well that tells me a fucking lot

>as we’re walking back, I see something in the bushes
>A FUCKING TROLL CHARGES US
>we both open fire, but it isn’t doing shit
>suddenly, it is hit with a direct blast of fire and lead
>the blast tears it right the fuck in half
>something leaps down from a tree
>it’s a fucking anthropomorphic cat with a MAC-10, a giant suppressor on the front
>we just sorta stare at each other for a few minutes
>he then rears back and throws something at mach speed
>a can of fucking beans smashes me in the chest
>I fall over, crying out as I’m covered in beany goodness
>Walks falls back, beans in her eyes
>when I look up he’s waddling off into the brush like he has shit in his pants 
>fucker took one of my rabbits 
>somehow took my boxers too
>that was different

2/5/19

>when we got back to camp, Shovel asks where the fuck we found baked beans
>”...I don’t want to talk about it…”
>we cook up the rabbits and scrape beans off of my coat as a side
>pretty good
>the sun will be going down pretty soon, but I still had time to teach Ellior
>”Okay kid, so line up the crosshairs on the center of the can.”
>”Got it.”
>”Okay, good. Now, take a slow breath, and steady while you breath out. That is when you shoot. Ready?”
>she nods, focused on the can
>”Okay, fire when ready.”
>she took a slow breath, and fired
>the .22 round strikes the stump the can was on, low and to the right
>”Damn.”
>”Hey, it’s okay. Let me see if the scope is zeroed okay.”
>take the rifle and zero the scope against a rock about 50 meters away
>”Alright, it was a little off. Just relax, don’t tense too much.”
>she took the rifle and nodded, getting back in position
>”Put your feet a little further apart from each other, and bend your knees a little.”
>she nods, and readjusts
>”Alright, fire when ready.”
>she fires off a shot, and the can dings, falling over
>/K/ube, you have another disciple
>”I did it!”
>”Good job Ellior, let’s shoot a little more then get back to camp, it’s getting dark.”
>ended up having a good time, she’s a fast learner
>rush back to camp so we don’t get jumped by skinwalkers or some shit

>Loreli and I were sitting in our tent, a map spread out on the ground, with Ding holding the curling corner
>I yawn, taking my finger off the map “So, we should go East to make our way through that town?”
>she looks at me, and drags a finger along the map “Yup, if we take this pass through the canyon, we could get to the town in time to resupply and make a further plan.”
>”Right, what do you think Ding?”
>the little fairy looks up at me, and shrugs
>helpful
>”Right, Loreli, I love the whole map thing, but can we just turn in?”
>she dramatically shakes her head “You irresponsible human…”
>”Yeah yeah I get it knife-ear.”
>we roll up the map, and roll up her poncho for a pillow
>after laying there for about ten minutes she say “You awake?”
>”Yeah.”
>”I miss the bed.”
>I sit up “What? I think my coat is an excellent blanket!”
>she rolls her eyes and puts a hand on my shoulder, pulling me back down.”
>”Well Ding? Do you miss the room?” she asks
>we hear weird elf chatter from the ammo box in the corner, followed by the sound of several falling casings
>”I hear that.”

>the next morning, I left the tent, stretching in the cool morning air
>autistically roar like Chewbacca as I stretch my arms over my head “Good morning camp.”
>”Goooood mooorning Vietnam!” Shovel calls from the fire, where he is brewing a pot of coffee
>”My name is Anon retard.”
>he just laughs and pats the log next to him “Coffee?”
>”Yes please.”
>Loreli pokes her head out of the tent, wearing my shirt and rubbing her eyes “I’ll have some brew too, partner.”
>we all sit together on the log, sipping from some tin mugs
>”So is it weird that I’m the only non-elf here guys?”
>Loreli sips her coffee “You do smell…”
>see her smiling behind her mug 
>Shovel laughs “Damn right he smells. Clean the wild man up soon.”
>look down and see Ding lounging in my mug like she’s in a hot tub
>take another sip anyway
>not putting coffee to waste
>”So, where’s your shadow?”
>Shovel looks around, not seeing Walks
>”I’m sure she’s around. Probably checking the perimeter.”
>”You warned her about Charlies huh?”
>he smiles “Yes, she knows to check the trees.”

>Ellior shuffles over from her tent in an oversized pair of long underwear Loreli found for her, and a pair of trousers with suspenders
>”Morning kid.”
>she waves at me while yawning
>”Do we have any food?”
>I sigh “Nope, maybe Walks is getting some?”
>Shovel offers her a mug of coffee, which she takes
>”We’ll load up on rations in the next town. Any suggestions?”
>Shovel raises his hands
>”Shovel, you... you don’t have to raise your hand.”
>Loreli giggles into her mug 
>”Yes, Shovel?”
>”Pork.”
>nod my head, jotting salted pork down “Any other suggestions?”
>”Potatoes?” Ellior says after swallowing a gulp of coffee
>”That’s good. Very versatile. Boil’em mash’em stick’em in a stew.”
>”Baked beans?”
>my encounter with the cat flashes before my eyes
>”Yeah, beans are good.”
>”Wiiiiine?”
>look at Loreli
>”Can I have some?”
>look at Ellior
>”Sure, why not…”
>I am responsible

>a few hours later, we were on the road again
>we will get into the canyon soon
>”You damn bike! Don’t you dare die on me cunt!”
>hear deep Australian yelling
>oh fuck here we go
>time to meet some new zanny character
>he turns around as we round the bend, a fucking RPG in his hands
>Loreli calls out “Whoa whoa slow your roll partner!”
>standing down the road, near a rusty as hell Harley, is a squat biker, with a beer gut, and a gray beard any dwarf would be jealous of
>he wore studded leather biker gear with a big pair of goggles and a spiked stahlhelm
>he lowers the RPG “Sorry about that.”
>I stand, clearing my throat “What’s your name pal?”
>he reaches up, removing his helmet, taking a bow, revealing a hot pink UMP-45 on his back, and a shiny bald head 
>”I am Cherry, former leader of the Hairy Bears motorcycle club.”
>”Hi, I’m Anon. I kill people for money.”
>Loreli looks at me
>”What? It’s true!”

>”So I grabbed him by the hair, dug my other hand into his ass, and threw the cunt off the roof!”
>Shovel and I burst out laughing, slapping each other on the back
>”No way!” I say while gasping for breath
>we were taking our wagon through this huge canyon, the walls striated with bands of red and yellow, white crystals poking out from cracks in the rocks
>Ellior was looking around at the canyon through the scope of her rifle, mouth open in awe
>Loreli and Walks were doing their woman talk thing with Ding up front
>Cherry is a pretty cool guy, very chill despite the crazy biker thing
>we helped him bury his bike
>”That rusty old cunt has taken his last beating. Rest in peace cunt.”
>Shovel was just looking for any reason to dig a hole
>as we ride deeper into the canyon, I feel an odd shiver pass through me
>look around and see everyone else seems a little spooked
>what the fuck was that
>Ding zips out of my pack and hides in my pocket, peeking out
>I’m sure it’s nothing
>”Oh fucking shit.” Loreli mutters
>turn to see what’s wrong, and see that the wall of the canyon has collapsed, a wall of debris blocking our way
>there is always fucking something isn’t there
>”Oh this is real great, real great.” 
>reach up and put a hand on Loreli’s shoulder, causing her to flinch and put her hand on mine
>”Calm down, we’ll just find another way.”
>she lets out an exhale, giving my hand a squeeze
>turn to Shovel “So, think you can dig us through that?”
>he actually looks at the wall, ears twitching as he figures it all
>”Maybe if I had a few weeks.”
>thanks

>Shovel sent Walks around to scout the canyon for another path out of the canyon
>I walk over to Shovel, who is inspecting the wall of rubble
>”How do you think this happened?”
>Shovel looks at me, shrugging “Could just be a natural landslide, or…”
>he inspects the stone
>we look up to where it all fell from, seeing something poking up an over the pile
>”Race you up there, friend?”
>I just look at him
>”I’m not some leaping, bounding elf man, Shovel, see you up there.”
>he smiles, rips off his shirt for some reason, and jumped, leaping and climbing all the way
>I carefully climb up, with him laughing at me from the top and saying how good the view is
>thanks, dick
>Loreli calls up that I best not get hurt
>yeah, yeah
>a few minutes later, pull myself over the top
>fuck my hands hurt
>I lay on my back for a good minute, breathing as Shovel pats my shoulder
>”You truly picked up on a Dwarfs climbing technique back at Neumagh, friend.”
>”Thanks Dick.” I say as he pulls me up
>”My name is Shovel.”
>we turn, finding what caused the collapse
>theres a fucking military helicopter smashed into the side of the canyon, partially buried in the stone

>we pull the rusted doors open, revealing the tipped over cabin
>Shovel produces a flashlight and inspects the interior
>he whistles 
>”Rough landing…”
>against the far doors are piled several skeletons, all in US fatigues
>I drop in, cringing as a rib bone snaps under my foot
>sorry bud
>Shovel follows me in, and we start digging around
>found 3 M16s, an M40A5, several ammo cans
>keep digging around
>”Should we bury these guys?”
>look at Shovel, who shines the flashlight in my face
>great now I can’t see
>”Of course we are.”
>pat my pocket, Ding poking her head out
>”Hey firefly, see if you can find anything we’ve missed.”
>she salutes, and flits around the wreck as we move bones out onto the surface for burial
>find a few long range walkie-talkies, and a solar charger
>box of cigars
>ooooh Loreli is gonna love this
>”Think they’d be cool with us taking their boots?”
>”We’ll have to look them over before we decide that.”
>take a Beretta M9 out of the holster of one skelly
>good loot
>Ding lands on my shouder, waving a folded piece of paper
>climb out the top and sit down, unfolding it, and reading it out loud as Shovel digs graves
>”I am Sergeant Eli Weaver, and I am leaving this note for whoever finds my comrades. We were on our way back to base after a training exercise when this tear opened and pulled us somewhere else. I have no idea where I am, none of the stars align, and our compass was going nuts… I am going to go try and find civilization. Please take care of my men.”

>”So some guys from your world went through to here?”
>”Looks like it, from the skeletons… I’d say maybe ten years ago?”
>either way, Lightskin did a shit job on this part if the map
>scratch Ding between the wings with my pinkie “Good job.”
>hand her a bullet from the Beretta I found and tuck her back into my pocket
>”Looks like the crash upset the canyon wall, causing it to collapse sometime after.”
>good explanation dipshit
>”Right, Shovel, since you have your elf thing, you can take our loot down. I’ll be on my way.”
>he nods, picking up the pack we looted, and filled with our goodies, and fucking frontflipped off the wall
>sometime, later, I joined him, and we shared the news with the team
>I caught Ellior eying up the M40A5 the same way Loreli eyes me up after some wine
>we all get to work cleaning our loot, while waiting for Walks to get back
>apparently Cherry served in the Australian armed forces, and is pretty good at it
>”You just have to oil the cunt up, and it all works fine.”
>you can say that again
>I pull a fucking finger bone out of the M40A5 and wave it at Ellior, who turns green
>this thing is in pretty good condition, all things considered
>might just keep it for myself
>swear I felt my FAL growl at me when I think that
>by the /K/ube fine I won’t abandon my raifu
>offer Loreli one of the M16s “You need more than your pistols.”
>she chews her lip, nods, and takes it
>we’ll need to get some 5.56x45mm when we get somewhere
>add that to the list next to gun oil and bananas
>this group needs more potassium

>Walks came back while we were finishing up, with some news
>the good news is that there is a footpath that can lead us out
>the bad news is that we’d have to leave the wagon and horses behind
>not as bad as things usually get honestly
>we gather our things, and I unlatch the horses
>give them both a slap on the ass and they run off
>rejoin the group 
>”You were very enthusiastic with those smacks.”
>turn to Shovel
>”I have a lot of practice.”
>can feel the heat emanating from Loreli’s blush as she punches me in the arm
>give her a shit eating grin as we follow Walks 
>the path is only about 3 feet wide at certain points
>have to squeeze through a few times, using some baby oil Cherry had on him for some reason
>”Never know when you’ll have to oil up and squeeze into a tight crevasse.” 
>the walls are smooth here, the colors in the rock forming beautiful patterns
>we eventually make camp in a cave worn into the pass wall when night falls, and have a meal of leftovers and some food Cherry had
>”So, who gets first watch?”
>Walks simply raises her hand, and goes to the mouth of the cave
>”Hey Anon! Look at this!”
>Ellior grabs me by the arm and brings me to the wall of the cave, near the back
>scratched into the rock, likely with a knife, was the name “WEAVER”
>shit man, good to see you got this far

>the next day, we cleared out of the cave, but not before adding our names to the wall
>”Right, so we just have to hike for about three hours?”
>I turn the map over a few times “Yup. Looks like it.”
>Loreli pinches the bridge of her nose “Anon give me the map.”
>”Why?” I ask innocently, slowly folding up the map and giving it to Ding
>”You’ll just get us lost again, Ding, give me the map.”
>Ding looks up at me, conflicted
>”Loreli, this is a straight path up and out! We don’t need a map!”
>she pouts “Then it shouldn’t be a problem to give it to me…”
>clap her on the back and laugh “We’ve always found our way! Map or no!”
>she gives a weak smile, and fidgets with her M16
>we found our way to the mouth of a tunnel
>”Great. Underground.”
>Shovel takes out his flashlight, and the rest of us fashion torches
>give Ellior the M9 because her rifle isn’t good for close quarters
>”Remember trigger discipline.”
>”Yes sir.”
>give her a spare magazine and help her pull on the holster
>”You push on this to release the pistol from the holster, got it?”
>”Yes sir.”
>”Good kid.”
>catch Loreli watching, a thin smile on her lips

>we made our way into the cave, the magic of the map showing the way
>I didn’t give the map to Loreli because she was right
>totally
>even then, Ding was holding it for her, so I gave it to Ding
>”Did you guys hear that?”
>”What Shovel?”
>”It sounds like clicking… could be a Charlie…”
>”Come on man, what could be down here?”
>Loreli shushes me, listening
>I hear it now
>weird toothy clicking
>I turn around and see Cherry hugging himself, teeth chattering
>”I don’t like the dark and tight spaces ya cunts!”

>a few minutes later, I hear more chattering
>”Come on Cherry, it’s not that bad…”
>turn around
>he’s just staring at me, mouth closed
>hear the chattering further behind us
>fuck me
>”Guys. We may want to speed it up…”
>see dozens of eyes reflecting in the light of my torch
>”RUN!”
>we book it, hearing the skittering and sliding of dozens of unseen creatures
>I’m at the back with Cherry in front of me, the squat biker running surprisingly fast
>can hear him sobbing as he runs
>Ellior is holding onto my arm as I pull her behind me
>see the mouth of the cave up ahead, sunlight pouring in
>”Move! Move!” Loreli calls from the front as she runs out
>I throw my torch behind me, one of the creatures shrieking
>I was nearly at the entrance when Ellior screams behind me
>something had grabbed her ankle with a skinny, clawed arm
>as it lunged I shoved my left arm in the way, razor sharp jaws closing around my forearm and biting deep
>feel a stinging sensation as some kind of venom pours into me
>Ellior presses the barrel of her M9 to the thing’s bony head and pulls the trigger, blowing its skull open and causing it to release it’s hold on me
>grab her and drag her out, agony racing up my arm
>as we tumble out into the blinding sunlight, falling on soft grass, the others pull us away
>”BACKBLAST CLEAR YA CUNTS!”
>there is a deafening explosion as Cherry fires his RPG into the cave, throwing up a cloud of dust and gore that covered us all

>lay there in agony as I feel the flesh of my left forearm bubble and drip like wax
>the things fangs had torn clean through the sleeve of my coat and punctured the steel plate beneath
>I can see the plate corroding around the puncture wounds
>Ellior is holding onto my other arm, my hand squeezing her forearm 
>”Loreli! Help!”
>Loreli and Shovel crouch next to me, pulling the sleeve up and removing the plate
>my arm is literally melting down to the bone around the wounds
>the pain is excruciating 
>as I slip into blackness, I hear them yelling about trying to save the arm
>the last thing I feel is Loreli pressing a hand to my cheek

>I drift back awake, feeling a wooden surface below me, bouncing slightly
>I felt a heavy blanket covering me, and I struggle to sit up
>”Whoa whoa whoa there buddy, lay down. The venom is still in you. Doctor Cherry has you.”
>Cherry gently pushes a leather covered hand against my chest, pushing me down easily
>groan, and reach a hand up to cover my eyes
>see the veins on my hand are dark, my skin pale
>”What the fuck did I get bit by?”
>my voice was raspy
>”We don’ ‘ave a name fer’um. They’re jus’ mean.”
>tilt my head to see a gnome sitting next to me
>”Hi there. Mah name is Gnott. Yer’ in me cart.”
>feel someone move next to me and take my hand
>”I thought we had a deal to cut the hero routine, Anon.”
>chuckle and cough “Oh hey Knife-ear… you mad at me?”
>she blows out a slow breath “Well… you did save Ellior… but…”
>”What?”
>Shovel coughs “Okay bud. Don’t freak out.”
>”What are you talking about?”
>try and reach up and rub my eyes with my other hand
>can’t feel my arm
>stiffly turn my head and look as I raise my arm
>oh
>oh no
>no no no
>raise my arm from under the blanket
>my arm is missing from mid forearm to hand
>just bandages and blood
>my eyes roll back and I’m out again

>I woke up some time later
>Loreli was sitting on the floor of the wagon, my head held in her lap
>I groaned, and Ding landed on my cheek, holding a casing
>”Hey there.”
>she tossed the casing aside, crossing her arms
>”What?”
>Ding chattered something, giving my nose a soft kick
>”I don’t want to translate that.” Loreli says
>”I think I got the message.”
>”Hey buddy! Good to see the Charlies didn’t get you!”
>fucking Shovel
>”Dammit Shovel… can I have some water?”
>Shovel laughs, and takes a metal army canteen from Walks
>opens the top and tips it over my open mouth
>water pours out and all over my face
>cough and sputter
>”Thanks Shovel.”
>can hear the rest of the party laughing
>thanks dicks

>I felt good enough to sit up
>only threw up over the side of the cart once
>look in front of us and see a weird clockwork contraption with wheels instead of a horse pulling the cart
>”Ya like it? Made it meself.”
>look at the nutty gnome sitting at the front
>”It’s… different.”
>look down at my arm, bandages soaked in blood
>might as well check this shit
>peel off the bandages
>oh fucking gross
>any flesh that hadn’t melted looked to be made of stone
>”Okay… maybe we could get a healer to..”
>the hand just falls off and crumbles into dust on the floor of the wagon
>Ellior vomits over the side
>look at the bloodied stump
>at least the bleeding has stopped
>doesn’t hurt any-
>oh fuck there it is
>”Okay Anon. Hold still.”
>Shovel stands up and draws his shovel
>motherfucker you better now
>does his weird elven spellmagic bullshit and smashes the stump with his glowing shovel
>the stump heals over
>oh fucking wonderful
>fucking Shovel

>Cherry wraps up the stump, which is about halfway down my forearm
>pours some fucking whiskey on the bandages
>”Aye ya cunt that’ll help ya.”
>guzzles the rest of the whiskey
>”Did we lose any gear?”
>inventory time
>we lost one M16, and Ellior’s 10/22
>also dropped my fucking map
>Lightskin gave me that map
>I miss that guy
>fuck it, way my life is going I may just run into him soon enough
>hell he could be this gnome in disguise
>”Where are we going?” I ask the gnome as I take a bite out of an apple I found in a basket back here
>fuck you I’m hungry
>”Mah home! The clockwork city of Gnobbenbern!”
>”What kind of name is Gnobbenbern?”
>”A good name!”

>”So, Gnott, what do you do?”
>”I’m a Chronomechanica!”
>”A what now?”
>”I work with clocks and clockwork related accessories!”
>”Like your horse thing there.” Ellior says, pointing at the machine pulling the cart
>”Yep! Doesn’t need fuel! All clockwork!”
>”Well how the hell does it know where to go?”
>he reached forward, and opened a panel on the back
>inside was this weird compass attached to a glowing red gem
>”It just knows.”
>fucking gnomes man
>”We’ll be at Gnobbenbern soon! An hour!”
>whatever
>”Hey kid, wake me up when we get there.”
>3 days later, and we were shacked up in the Gnome city of Gnobbenbern
>Loreli, Ellior, Ding and I had our own room for the first time in what feels like forever
>two beds, cozy fireplace
>this gnome had seen the advantages of having a full sized inn because travelers bring money
>adjusting to the arm thing is rough, but I’ll manage
>unless I figure something out, I’ll have to find a new way to fight
>not like I’m good for much else in this world
>we’re taking this time to rest up and plan our next few moves
>we were still about a month from our destination
>sleeping with Loreli on my right side is weird, but gets us through the night

>we were just sitting in there, eating some stew Ellior brought us
>well, Loreli and I were eating, Ellior and Ding were cleaning the M40A5
>Ellior had lost her Ruger, and was already in love with the M40A5, so why not give it to her
>I think she feels guilty over what happened
>the way I see it, it was my arm or her face, so it’s a fair trade
>knock at the door
>wonder who that’ll be
>oh hey
>its Shovel
>”Anon! Let me see your hand!”
>Walks is standing next to him, holding a tape measure and a notepad
>they take a ton of measurements of my hand 
>scarily fast about it
>”What did you need those for?”
>”I’m… buying you some mittens?”
>”Oh okay.”
>go back to my stew
>fucking Shovel

>Shovel comes back in like an hour 
>Ellior went off with Ding to go shopping or some shit 
>gave them some coins and told them not to get lost or kidnapped or anything
>I’m sure Ding will take care of her
>besides, I gave the kid a pistol
>I’m responsible
>as I’m about to pop the cork on some locally brewed beer, Loreli lets Shovel in
>”Oh hey Shovel. I was just about to drink the pain away and cry in the missionary position with Loreli. How are you?”
>Loreli punches me in the shoulder and I grin at her
>Shovel sets down this wooden box with a red ribbon in it, about the size of a shoe box
>”Anon open it.”
>aw shit new mittens
>open it
>it’s not mittens
>it’s a metal hand, an odd leather harness, and a mitten
>okay one mitten
>Shovel helps me pull the harness on under my shirt
>that skinny nerd looks like a twig next to me
>gotta love my magic coat
>and the violence that keeps me ripped
>just like George Bush intended
>harness fits over my left arm, shoulder, and around my chest
>kinky
>look at Loreli
>”Like what you see?”
>she just rolls her eyes

>harness ends with this weird metal cuff on my stump, with a rune inscribed on it
>plug the hand onto the cuff
>”Okay Anon. Pick up that bottle.”
>gladly, I want my beer
>reach over and try to use the hand to grasp the bottle
>feels clunky
>well it doesn’t really feel like anything
>just a phantom pain
>why are we still here
>just to suffer
>finally manage to wrap the weird shiny fingers around the bottle
>BEER
>I WILL DRINK YOU
>crush the bottle in my grip
>sigh
>well at least I kind of have a hand now
>”Oh, by the way, here’s the bill from good old Gnott…”
>Shovel drops a piece of paper on the bed and fucking jumps out the window
>well
>good news
>I have a hand
>bad news
>we’re about broke
>thanks... dick?

2/9/19-hiatus 1

>Ding and I were sitting on the bed, the fairy flitting around the disassembled hand layed out in front of us
>it was pretty damn complicated
>Loreli and Ellior intently watch from the other bed
>”Okay, Loreli. Get ready…”
>she raises a stopwatch, thumb on the button
>”Go.”
>Ding moved faster than I could keep up with, clicking pieces together, sliding rods and springs, tightening small bolts
>”Time.”
>Loreli looks at the watch “Five point zero two seconds.”
>Ellior cheers “New record Ding!”
>turns out a Gnome prosthetic is about as complicated as a firearm, to Ding at least
>I picked up the hand, the shiny silver casing almost feeling warm, and affixed it to my stump
>the components around my forearm tightened and clicked, adjusting to me
>an odd buzz, like the pull of the Annihilator gathering mana, ran up my arm
>I raise my hand and give Loreli and Ellior the “okay” signal
>in the past week, I’ve only crushed 4 bottles and a doorknob
>progress
>still have a mini heart attack whenever I wake up with only one hand
>we’ve been in Gnottenbern for 2 weeks now, just staying in the Inn
>Shovel and Walks had gone ahead, they did have a mission after all
>I’ll miss them
>we’ll probably bump into each other in Neusrael though

>knock knock knock 
>ooh plot progression
>Cherry opens the doors and comes in “You forgot to lock the door ya cunts.”
>”Hey Cherry.”
>Cherry nods at Ellior “Kid.”
>he turns to me “Good news fucker! We have work!”
>”Huh?”
>he led me to the window, and pointed into the distance “See those strobing lights?”
>”Cherry, I’m no stripper.”
>he looks at me, shaking his head “No no no. We will be filtering their customers!”
>”So we’ll be bouncers.”
>”Yup! We can beat the shit out of rowdy drunks and get paid for it!”
>doesn’t sound too different from what I usually do
>look at Loreli, who shrugs “We’ll be here when you get back.”
>cross to the bed, giving her a quick kiss and taking my coat from her
>the sleeve has repaired itself, leaving a few black stains
>love this coat
>slide my shotty into the holster and leave with Cherry

>this job is great
>I may be 5’9”, but in a gnome city, I am the manlet king
>Cherry gave me this spare leather glove he had, straps and studs shining
>”Put this on your shiner, don’t want the filth to dirty it.”
>shrug and pull it on
>somehow makes me even more intimidating
>certainly helped with the job
>”Now you come back with a black belt to go with yer shoes, or my friend here with the scary hand will slap the shite outta you ya cunt!”
>got some free drinks and snacks from the bar at the end of our shift
>managed not to crush my beer
>turns out using my real hand makes that problem go away

>2 days later, I was getting ready for the day
>turns out being a bouncer pays well
>we’re still in the Inn for frugality’s sake, like usual
>took Loreli to a nice restaurant, and took Ellior to a gun store
>got some Loreli points and some human milsurp for Ellior all in one day
>bought Ding this nice gun cleaning kit
>have to show your fairy some love every now and then
>well, this morning I was pulling on my arm, when Loreli asked something
>”Anon what is that?”
>”Hm?”
>look at my arm, turning it over and finding something painted on the forearm plate
>Diiiiiiing
>she had painted a sexy pinup herself on my arm like a Vietnam helicopter
>she was straddling a .308 round, with the words “Ring-a-Ding”written under her
>not bad
>not bad at all
>notice Loreli giving me a look
>clear my throat “Ding what is this?”
>sultry fairy chattering
>Loreli sighs
>”What?”
>”She said ‘I was marking my territory’...”
>oh well Ding worked hard on this it’d be a shame to clean it off now 
>kinda looks like a tattoo 

>as Cherry and I walked to our work, we decided to cut through an alley
>found ourselves surrounded by a bunch of skinny faggots in hoodies
>fuckin chavs
>I guess I needed some real action beyond some spray tanned bimbo gnome vomiting on my boots
>”Oi give us yer loicenses!”
>a few of them brandish machetes, and one has a shitty hi-point
>hi-point swaggers over to me, holding his pistol sideways like a real nigga
>points the pistol right at my face “GIMME YER TV LOICENSE CUNT!”
>I just raise my left hand and press it to the muzzle of the pistol
>I’m wearing my leather glove so this’ll be good
>he pulls the trigger
>faggot left the safety on
>wrap my hand around the pistol and his hand, yanking both to the side and squeezing as hard as my hand can muster
>he shrieks blend with the crunch of bones and polymer
>let go and he falls to the ground, grasping at the pulp hanging from his wrist
>draw my shotgun and fire into the nearest chav sending him crumbling like the British Empire
>”Tally ho.”
>turn and see Cherry dual wielding machetes 
>bisects the last standing chav like fucking Kratos
>the man may be five feet tall, but he’s powerful

>hear crying behind me
>hi-point is holding the squished remains of his hand
>”I’m so sorry mum, I’ll neva play pianah again…”
>pick him up with my left hand around his neck
>lift him with one hand because he’s like ninety pounds and I’m jacked
>put on my best Batman voice
>”WHERE IS SHE!?” I scream in his face while shaking him around
>he’s crying now, asking what I’m yelling about
>”TELL ME ABOUT BANE!”
>”F-from Batman?”
>”WHY DOES HE WEAR THE MASK!?”
>Cherry is on the ground laughing
>”F-for you.”
>oh we got a funny guy 
>throw him across the alley and into the dumpster
>can still hear him crying as we walk away
>”What the fuck was that you crazy cunt?”
>”I got bored.”

2/10/19

>I found out about this gun range some gnomes had set up outside the city walls
>decided to treat Loreli to a trip, maybe grab dinner and milsurp while we’re out
>take Ding because she’ll love the brass
>Ellior isn’t feeling well, stays back with Cherry
>they like playing chess, she always wins though
>Cherry doesn’t mind
>first time firing the FAL since the arm incident
>curious to see how it changes things
>Loreli takes her M16, says she needs practice
>she got some wood furniture for it, something about elvish nature connection helping her aim
>sounds like some fuddlore but okay
>call her a silly Keebler and get shooting
>not bad
>my arm provides some good stability, feels weird in my stump
>”Nice shooting, I’m better though” Loreli taunts, sticking her weird pointy elf tongue at me
>”Alright, alright, I admit. You may be better at shooting bottles.”
>she puffs up her cheeks and punches my shoulder “Ah hush.”
>we laugh and go back to shooting, Ding fighting the local brass jew

>we went to this gnome restaurant
>EVERYTHING was potato related
>potato bread before the meal
>potato soup with baked potatoes
>fries
>it was all delicious
>the only thing that wasn’t made of potatoes was the wine we got
>even got Ding some, she loves her white wine
>we were walking back to the Inn, Loreli’s arm in my real one, and Ding on my shoulder
>it’s good to have my little family
>we get to the Inn, and go upstairs
>as I pull out my key, I see the door is cracked
>hear a groan from inside and push the door open
>the room is a fucking mess, and Cherry is laying in a heap in the center, near an overturned chess board
>Loreli covers her mouth, and I rush to Cherry
>he’s beaten badly, but still alive 
>”Horned cunts busted in…” he spit out along with a tooth and a mouthful of blood
>”Where is Ellior?”
>he groaned, spitting out another took “...took her… said she’d get a high price…”
>his eyes closed and his breathing grew softer
>he’s out
>I can hardly notice though 

>update pastebin up to here

>”I KEEP TELLING YOU! I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY TAKE THEM!”
>the tieflings head snaps to the side as I give him a left hook, one of his teeth flying out
>Loreli and I had tracked this group of tielfings down within a week, they stood out well
>this was the only survivor, and I currently had him tied to a chair in this dingy basement
>they had shipped out their captives two days ago, and he was being difficult
>Loreli was waiting outside, she has a thing about this kind of thing
>it is unsavory
>I’m pretty convincing though
>I grab one of his curved horns and yank him to face me, his right eye swollen shut
>”Let me show you something.”
>I reach down and pick up a spare brick, holding it near his face with my left hand
>he yelps as I set it down on his lap, and remove the scuffed leather glove on my prosthetic
>his eye lingers on the pinup painted on the side of the shiny limb
>yeah thats my fairy motherfucker
>jealous
>reach towards his lap, watching him cringe while I pick up the brick
>I toss the brick up and down in my hand, the stone clanking against the shiny alloy
>squeeze the brick in my hand, shattering it into a shower of dust and shards
>”Nice, right? So, my friend, I will ask you…”
>two knees, 2 ankles, two wrists, and 2 elbows
>at least 2 balls
>I had already ripped his tail off during the fight when we tracked them down
>”...lets say three more times.”
>all it took was one knee
>we have our destination now
>”So… you’ll let me go now?”
>”No way fag.” I say as I wrap my shiny hand around his neck

>”Get any good information?” Loreli asks as we leave the run down house, me wiping off my hand
>”Yeah, he told me all I needed to know, and then some.”
>hands me my sawn-off, which I slide into my holster
>she was afraid I’d shoot him
>like I’d waste a shell
>she’s being quiet
>”Something bothering you?”
>she clears her throat “If I didn’t know you as well as I do… I’d think you were…”
>stop walking, putting the rag back in my pocket
>”That I was a complete monster with a penchant for violence and day drinking?”
>”That.”
>she honestly isn’t wrong
>”Loreli?”
>”Yes Anon?”
>I fiddle with my sawn-off “I’d be worse without you and Ding.”
>”I know. Now, let’s get our girl back.”
>the thought of what Ellior may be going through 
>especially after what the Tiefling told me
>”If she is sent to Warboss, Ripper, or the Tax Collector, she’ll be worse than dead.” he had whispered out through broken teeth
>shake my head
>I’ll be having nightmares tonight

>”What’d we loot from them?”
>Loreli digs through the duffle we had taken from their hideout
>”A Remington 870, 2 AK-47s, 3 CZ75s, a Glock 19, and a hand grenade. Plus plenty of Ammo for all of them.”
>good, more to use
>take the grenade, a C13 frag grenade, and pocket it
>give Ding another piece of jerky, which she chews greedily
>we were sitting around a campfire, in an older ruin
>”Loreli.”
>she looks up from our gear
>”The things the guy told me. If these people get you…”
>”Anon.”
>I stop talking and look at her, as she puts a hand on my leg
>”We made a promise to each other. Where you go, I go. No heroics.”
>I put my flesh and blood hand on hers, squeezing
>”I don’t want you to be hurt like that. Never again.”
>Loreli reaches up, cupping my face, wiping some dried blood from my cheek
>”Anon, there is nothing you can do or say to make me leave you.”
>I press the cool alloy hand against her cheek, near her remaining eye
>”Until the end, then.”

>2/14/19

>”Shovel, do you hear me, over.”
>Loreli had remembered that we had given Shovel and Walks one of the walkies
>these things are military grade, long range
>good thing we had decided on a frequency before they left
>I waited a few seconds, listening
>then there was a burst of static, followed by a familiar voice
>”Anon, we hear you. Any Charlies on your position, over?”
>”Negative, withhold your napalm rain for another day eagle, over.”
>explain what is happening
>he is fucking pissed 
>give him the location we got out of the Tiefling
>”Anon. I’ll be there, over.”
>fucking Shovel
>can feel Vlad and Bill smiling down on us
>well Bill is probably smiling down on bathing women but whatever

>we busted in, and things went down 
>things went down real hard
>first it was Shovel
>sniped by some fucker with a mosin
>blew his head off right in front of me
>Walks was impaled on a bayonet
>held her as she died
>Ding…
>a goblin got the jump on us and got Ding into his mouth
>tried to save her
>I FUCKING TRIED
>pulled her from the freaks broken jaws
>only pulled out a pair of legs
>Loreli and I had to save Ellior
>make this all worth something
>some punk Tiefling got the drop on us, and fired an Uzi into Loreli’s back
>blew his head off his shoulders
>hear gagging and crying
>she’s bleeding bad, it’s pouring from her mouth
>no
>”No no no not you… anyone but you!”
>she coughs up some blood, I feel it splatter on my face
>she presses a hand to my cheek, and forces a smile
>”Go save her. I love you.”
>she died in my arms

>I got to the boss
>after beating him, I forced him to tell me where the hostages are
>shot him in the chest and let him bleed as I kicked down the door
>cages of women
>human, tielfing, elves
>all species
>some dead
>some staring at the floor, a hollow look in their eyes as they clutched at their naked, bruised bodies
>there was only one sound outside the breathing
>I hear Ellior screaming
>kicked down another door and found her
>I found her
>I was too late
>she was tied to a bed frame, naked and bleeding
>bruises covered her
>her ears were chewed to stumps
>her abdomen was large, stretched
>there was something writhing around in her stomach
>they had turned her into a breeder
>a green head forced its way out her her, an arm flailing around, flinging blood everywhere
>she screamed and cried, begging me to shoot her
>”KILL ME ANON!”
>I jolt awake as I pulled the trigger, her scream still ringing in my ears
>immediately scramble to make sure Loreli, laying next to me, was okay
>I’m not sleeping anymore tonight

>2/21/19

>I look through my binoculars, down at the ruin
>some old destroyed fortress from an elf war thousands of years ago
>some genocidal nature spirit
>cool shit
>we were camped out in a cave overlooking the fort, which was the trafficker’s headquarters
>this group was run by tieflings and drow, using goblins and orcs as footsoldiers
>through my binoculars and the scope of the M40A5, could see a good ammount of the fuckers
>they were mostly armed with Ak-47s, Uzis, and AR-15s
>better armed than most groups we’ve encountered, trafficking must pay well
>Loreli puts a hand on my shoulder, and I follow her back into the cave 
>Shovel was looking over a map that Walks made after scouting the area
>”Any ideas, Shovel?”
>he looks up and me, rubbing his ear between two fingers
>”This is going to be a hard fight. Do we have any more allies?”
>Loreli looks at me “Do we have a way to contact Kalcium?”
>think for a moment “It’ll have to be something nonsensical and weird as hell.”
>she reaches out, taking the talkie from my jacket 
>turns to a random frequency full of static
>”Hey Kalcium, our friend Shovel wants to try your milk.”
>hear a fucking car door slam outside, followed by the clatter of bony feet on the cave door

>Kalcium, SS cap and all, comes sprinting into the light of the lantern, a jug of milk in each hand
>”Finally that nigger behind the keyboard brings me back! Now who wants some milk!”
>nigger behind the keyboard
>what
>whatever it’s probably nothing
>Walks freaks out, firing an arrow at Kalcium 
>he shouts, the arrow flying out the back of his ribcage through his hawaiian shirt
>”DON’T DO THAT.”
>Shovel puts a hand on Walks’ arm
>”Walks, you get used to this shit around Anon.”
>what is that supposed to mean fucker
>Milk Maid walks in, carrying a keg of milk
>she just says something like “Ara ara”, then kisses Kalcium
>I can see her weird long elf tongue go out the bottom of his jaw
>pointed tip wraps around his spine
>gives Kalcium a new shirt, completely identical to the usual one, and struts off to sew up his torn one, hips swaying and maid outfit somehow perfectly ironed
>fucking Kalcium

>we explain the situation to Kalcium
>”So I get to be a hero and save a ton of sex slaves while killing green niggers and drow faggots?”
>”Pretty much.”
>”Dibs on any kinky drow stuff I find.”
>”We’ll split it. That shit is good for resale, I’ve seen the prices in Loreli’s magazines.”
>Loreli turns red and punches my arm, muttering
>”Ahhhh fine. I give anyone we save free milk to help them recover.”
>well unless that milk fixes hymens and gives years of therapy I don’t see how it’ll help
>I hope Ellior is okay
>hopefully the traffickers think she’ll be worth more untouched
>hopefully

>the assault started with Kalcium ramming his fucking Ice Cream truck through the front gates
>obliterated them
>hit this huge orc on his way in
>fucker exploded into a cloud of red, screaming blood mist that was sucked into the tailpipe
>Milk Maid turned the jingle on max volume as bullets ricochet off the truck
>that’s the signal
>as Kalcium Sheev spins out the side of the truck, firing his MG42s, the rest of us charged through the gates
>we took up cover and returned fire
>see Kalcium leap up a wall, draw his katana, fucking pray to it, and cut down like 8 guys
>pull Loreli back behind cover as the goons fire back, a round dinging off my arm as I pull her down
>”You okay?”
>”Yeah. Thanks.”
>I pop up at a lull in the fire, seeing Shovel pop up too, pistol firing from behind this weird metal riot shield he showed up with
>you know, a shield sounds like a good piece of gear
>fire 3 rounds into the chest of an Orc that was about to throw a grenade, sending him tumbling down from the balcony and into a group of goblins, the grenade going off seconds later
>Loreli pulls me back behind cover “Good shooting slick.”
>nod, reloading “Thanks.”
>she stands, revolvers in hand, and fires, dropping a group of goblins that were attempting to flank us
>their little green heads popped with each shot
>/K/ube I love this elf

>hear a shout to our right, and see Walks fall, clutching her side with bloodied hands
>Shovel jumps forward, covering her with his body and shield, and empties his M9 into a goblin with a Mini-Draco that had gotten behind them
>”GO! I HAVE HER!”
>Loreli and I charge to the doors, which Kalcium was trying to get open 
>”FUCKING FAGGOT DOOR GOD DAMMIT THIS SHIT WASN’T MADE BY THE FRENCH!”
>he was smacking it with his katana as he shouted
>”Kalcium! Ding can get the lock open, we just have to protect her!”
>he salutes Loreli, and jumps forward, swinging his katana in a blur, fucking blocking the fire of a Orc armed with an Uzi, before screaming and throwing the katana into the Orc, impaling it against a wall
>”STICK AROUND NIGGER LIPS!”
>draws his MG42s and starts firing into the body
>Loreli and I take cover in the door frame as I take Ding out of my pocket, and hold her out towards the lock
>”Take care of this, Firefly.”
>she winks, and climbs into the lock
>this is a big lock, for a big key
>she’ll figure it out
>a few rounds slam into the door near me, and I press my metal hand over the keyhole to protect Ding as I turn, drawing my shotty and downing a goblin
>Loreli is behind the door frame, but I’m just standing in the open
>she gives me a worried look “I’ll cover you!”
>I know you will

>we got in, and charged down the passageways, killing any we encountered
>a goblin jumped down from the rafters, clawed hands reaching for Ding
>grabbed that fucker out of the air and pressed him to the wall, pressing my shotty to his chest and firing
>my fairy will not be killed dammit
>things are pretty easy with Kalcium firing a pure wall of lead down the hall, shredding any resistance
>my walkie buzzes to life, Shovel’s voice coming from it
>”Anon. The outside has gone quiet. The Charlies are bunkering up. Over.”
>”Copy, secure the area, how is Walks? Over.”
>”They got her pretty good, her ass protected her though. Over.”
>hear Walks shouting, and Shovel laughing as she slaps at him
>love that guy

2/25/19

>I kick down a pair of wooden doors, and fire my shotgun into the chest of an orc that was fumbling with a desert eagle
>it screams “ooowwaaa” as it falls 
>can hear Kalcium cracking up behind me 
>”OOOOWAAA”
>Loreli bites her lip, and looks at me when I start giggling
>”T-this isn’t the time guys!” she stutters out, stiffling a few giggles
>as Kalcium and I double over laughing, I can see someone sitting at a desk 
>a bald drow with a red arrow tattooed on his forehead
>wearing a white suit
>why
>he has warhammer figurines all over his desk 
>Pretty Marines
>so after I got done beating him I asked him where the captives are
>hands me a key labeled “Dungeon” between sobs as Kalcium steps on all of his figurines
>let Ding keep one she took a liking to for some reason
>sparta kick the crying shit out his fourth floor window
>lands on top of the ice cream truck, impaled on the giant ice cream on top
>ten points

3/4/19

>Shovel rejoined us on our way to the Dungeon, killing anyone who tries to stop us
>see him shield bash a guy, then smash his head in with his shovel
>a little excessive but okay
>make our way to a massive pair of iron doors
>take a deep breath and enter
>for a moment, I’m taken back to that Frost Giant camp up north
>the cages and the sorrow
>women and children of all species huddled in iron cages, some chained to the wall
>their ripped clothes and dead stares tell all there is to say
>grab a key ring and give it to Kalcium
>”Free them fast, bud.”
>he gives a roman salute and speeds off like speedy gonzales
>Loreli and Shovel come with me, the three of us calling for Ellior
>”ELLIOR!” Loreli shouts
>hear a sobbing yell
>sounds like her
>get to a row of iron doors, hearing Ellior calling from behind one
>crush the lock in my hand and grab the handle
>pause, remembering my nightmare, then open the door

>Ding flits up to my shoulder, pressing a hand to my cheek and nodding
>alright I get it
>here we go 
>entering the room
>a flickering lightbulb hanging from the ceiling illuminates the room
>the floor was bare, save for a dirty mattress
>a bucket sat in one corner
>a little elf huddled in the other
>right ear wrapped in rags, noticeably shorter than the other
>Loreli pushes past me, and kneels behind Ellior
>”Hon, we’re here for you.”
>Ellior flinches when Loreli gently puts a hand on her shoulder
>Ding looks at me, worried
>turn to Shovel
>”Go help Kalcium, we’ve got this.”
>”Alright Lt. Dan.”
>motherfucker don’t jinx it I’m already down a hand

>I put my coat around Ellior’s shoulders
>she holds onto Loreli’s hand tightly, staring at the ground
>”Can I look at your ear hon?” Loreli asks, giving her hand a squeeze
>Ellior silently nods, eyes staring dully ahead
>Loreli leans forward, Ding flitting onto her shoulder as she carefully removes the rags around Ellior’s ear
>grit my teeth as I see her wound
>the tip of her right ear had been bitten off
>see the bruising around her neck
>Loreli holds her palm near the ear, closing her eyes
>a golden glow emanates from her palm, and she sways, the ear scarring over
>grab Loreli’s shoulder, steadying her
>Ellior reaches up, touching the remaining half of her ear
>I look at Loreli 
>”Take her to the milk maid, she’ll probably be able to patch her up. Besides, she has that whole vibe that even calms Kalcium…”
>Ellior reaches forwards and grabs my arm as I turn away to leave
>hugs onto it
>”I don’t want to go to mother anymore…”
>reach up and ruffle her hair with my real hand
>”Sure thing, kid…”

3/7/19

>too many of the people we tried to free from the cages were dead
>starved or by suicide, mostly
>can’t say I blame them
>found one kid clutching the hand of her dead mother, asking her to wake up, that they were saved
>I’m only 33 and I want to retire already
>Loreli came back, having left Ellior with Milk Maid, and a nice glass of milk
>here’s hoping your milk helps Kalcium
>Loreli puts my arm around her shoulders, cringing at the horrors down here
>Shovel and Kalcium found their vault
>rare metals, ivory, gems, and even a few dragon fangs
>we split a portion and seal away the rest
>”WHAT DO WE DO WITH THESE TRAFFICKING NIGGERS BOSS!?” Kalcium calls, handing milk out to dead eyed children
>think for a minute
>we decided on impaling the dead and living traffickers on the battlements
>they’re the ones with all the pikes up there, they were setting up for us
>mouth first, upside down
>I just want to get out of here and get back home

>2 months later, Loreli, Ding, Ellior, and myself, rode a wagon past the sign
>”Saunders’ Glenn, the hope of the frontier!”
>we had split off from the caravan a week ago, Shovel taking many of the survivors that stuck with us back to his people
>Kalcium called us niggers and drove his ice cream truck through the nearest forest, toppling trees and destroying wildlife in a straight line for miles
>godspeed you skeleton
>Ellior was still quiet, and has taken to fiddling with her rifle
>I sigh as Loreli pulls the wagon out in front of the Mayor’s home
>”We’re home.” she says, stretching her arms over her head
>Ding pokes her head out of my pocket, chattering excitedly
>I turn to Ellior
>”Well miss Ellior Saunders, are you ready to meet your grandfather?”
>she looks up, a smile tugging at the edges of her mouth
>Loreli had decided to adopt Ellior, and since we aren’t officially married, Saunders is her name now
>marriage
>now that’s a goal
>maybe we could have it in Waterlau?

>the Maid leads us upstairs to Mayor Saunders’ office
>Loreli opens the door
>”Hey dad! Meet your grandaughter!”
>the elf spat out the mouthful of tea he had been drinking, and almost knocks over the laptop on his desk
>”W-What!?” he coughs out, Loreli coming over and slapping his back a few times
>”Breathe dad, breathe. She’s adopted.”
>Ellior stands next to me, holding onto my arm and shaking a little
>Ding lands on her shoulder and pats her cheek a few times, before flying to the desk to steal the mayor’s food
>Mr. Saunders has calmed down, and taken his seat, wiping his mouth with a napkin
>”Okay good, though I would like the bloodline to continue…” he says, taking another sip of his tea
>”Give me a month!” I call over, causing him to choke up again
>Loreli punches me in the shoulder, and I can hear Ellior and Ding giggling
>it’s good to be back
>we took some time to talk to the mayor, and catch up
>turns out he’s seen a few other mercenaries, and may have met another with a fairy companion
>no shit huh
>Ellior quickly grew fond of her new grandfather, and they ended up talking about their favorite human books for 3 hours

>”Alright, fire.”
>Ellior works the bolt of her M40A5, firing off five shots, 3 bottles exploding
>”Very good!” I say, slapping her on the shoulder
>after settling back in at Saunders’ Glenn, Loreli and I had agreed to train Ellior up, to make sure she could protect herself
>turns out a mixed merc education works pretty well
>been preparing her over the last 4 weeks
>Loreli’s weird elf martial arts worked well for Ellior’s small frame, and our range trips honed her further
>Ding sat on my shoulder, chattering on about something and excitedly waving her arms
>Ellior chuckles
>”I didn’t do that good Ding.”
>more fairy chatter
>”Oh alright. I’ll be a deadshot soon.”
>Ellior chews her lip as she goes to reload the rifle, fumbling a round
>I look up, seeing the sky darkening
>”Hey kid, it’s getting late, Loreli’s going to be worried.”
>Ding chatters on my shoulder
>Ellior looks at Ding “It’s meatloaf night?”
>chatter chatter
>Ellior has her gear ready to go in a blur
>laugh and muss her hair as we walk back to the house

>we’d spent a good portion of our loot on having this house built out here in the woods, about fifty miles north of Saunders’ Glenn
>2 stories, dark wood, Neumagh granite
>imported AC and gasoline generator
>dragon teeth are worth a LOT
>we still have a lot left over, so for now, we can relax
>no chasing combat for now
>we also got to but a shit ton of guns and ammo
>Ding had a field day organizing “her” new armory
>had a vault built in the basement, which doubles as a safe room
>what? I’m paranoid.
>I want to protect my family
>like a real man
>it feels good to have a little peace, and some normalcy 

3/8/19

>later that night, Ding and I were down in her armory, cleaning Ellior’s rifle and sorting ammo
>why the fuck do we have so much 5.7mm?
>where did we get this
>Ding takes another bite out of the huge slab of leftover meatloaf, humming happily
>she will find a way to eat it all
>somehow
>she flits up onto my shoulder, wiping her hands on the small coveralls she wears when working
>chatters in my ear, tugging on the earlobe
>”What is it Ding?”
>more chattering
>oh wait
>reach into my coat and pull out the Annihilator
>haven’t taken it out in forever
>I offer it to her, and she reaches out, popping it open, catching the casing that’s been sitting in there forever
>well shit I’ve been carrying this unloaded this whole time
>good thing I haven’t needed it

>she sits on my shoulder, snuggling the glowing, blue casing
>has that thing been soaking in mana this entire time
>I’ll ask Loreli later
>her wings are glowing a little as she cuddles it
>is Ding about to fucking evolve like a pokemon
>”Hey Firefly, come on, we have more ammo to sort.”
>she opens her eyes, looking a little flustered, and tucks the casing into my shirt pocket
>is there a wet spot on my shoulder 
>oh
>yup
>there it is
>...
>smells like honey
>she zooms around the table like the fucking flash
>look down
>the cartridge I had in my hand is gone now
>half the loaf is gone
>alright I guess it’s bedtime now
>she’s standing on the table in front of me, wings glowing
>she’s actually vibrating
>”Ding? You okay?” I nervously ask
>her chattering is even more high pitched
>she sneezes, shooting a fucking pillar of fire into the air
>she collapses, wings back to normal, and falls asleep

>I pick her up and put her on my shoulder hearing her grumble and grip the flannel
>don’t know what the fuck that was
>I make sure to lock the door on my way out
>going up the stairs, I find Loreli laying on the couch in front of the dying fireplace
>she’s asleep, wrapped in her poncho
>wearing one of my shirts and some jeans
>those legs are meant to be shown dammit
>it’s weird to see her dressed normally
>think of the ring I left in my coat, down in the vault
>soon
>I will wife her
>come up behind the couch, and gently shake her shoulder
>put my hand on hers when it brings up her revolver
>that’s my elf
>she yawns
>”Oh hey beau, I was waiting up for you…”
>I take her revolver, and tuck it into my pocket
>”Come here knife-ear…” I say, lifting her off the couch, wrapping her arms and legs around me
>somehow get up the stairs, and go down the hall to our room
>”Alright, here, watch Ding.” I say as I lower Loreli onto her side of the bed, and hand her her revolver
>tuck Ding into my sock drawer where she insists on sleeping
>scratch between her wings until she lets go of my finger, grumbling
>pull off my shirt and crawl under the covers with Loreli
>this is nice

>3/9/19

>as I start to drift off, I hear a shout from down the hall
>Loreli looks at me
>”Get some rest Knife-Ear, I’ll check on her.” I say as I get up, stretching
>make my way down the hall, 3 doors down, where Ellior’s room is
>I knock on the door, and hear her sob out “Who is it?”
>”It’s me, Anon, can I come in?”
>”Yeah.”
>she’s sitting in the center of her bed, knees tucked under her chin and arms around her legs
>she’s wearing sweatpants and tank top
>an old stahlhelm we found pulled low over her head, her long blonde hair falling out the back
>her room is definitely /k/ approved
>Rhodesian flag on the wall, military propaganda posters, a large bookshelf full of military manuals and human novels
>framed blueprints of military aircraft hung over a heavy oak desk, which was covered in gun parts and a cleaning kit
>can smell the oil from here
>her Makarov we bought her sitting beside her
>cross to the bed, and ask if I can sit down
>she nods, eyes focused on the floor
>take a seat, sinking into the olive drab, cotton sheets, and scoot over next to her, crossing my legs
>”Hey kid. More nightmares?”
>she nods, sniffing “It doesn’t matter.”
>chew the inside of my cheek, not sure if I should push it
>”Look kid. I know a thing or two about nightmares, Loreli too.”
>”I know. I can tell when you guys don’t sleep.” she mutters
>we just sort of sit there for a minute
>I’m not very good at this
>idea
>”Hey Ellie, when’s your birthday?”
>she looks at me, curious “In a month, why?”
>”Want a gift a little early?”
>”Sure?”
>motion for her to wait here, and go grab a package wrapped in brown paper from my closet
>”Giving it to her early?” Loreli asks from the bed
>”Yeah, sorry.”
>”Beau, she’ll love it.”

>get back to Ellior’s room, and sit back down on the bed
>she looks at the package oddly as I sit it in front of her
>I motion for her to open it
>rip rip rip
>a brand new copy of ’Extraordinary Tales from the New World: by Sir Alexander D. Derrings’
>her eyes widen a little
>”We knew you lost your copy, so we decided to get you a new one. Open the cover.”
>she opens it and reads “To my number one fan, keep an eye on my dear friends for me, yours truly, Sir Alexander D. Derrings”
>the courier earned his pay alright
>”Don’t stay up too late reading it, we’re going hiking tomorrow.”
>Ellior hugs onto me and shoos me out so she can read
>I think I did good

3/10/19

>”Anon. Did you hear that?”
>I wake up with Loreli shaking my shoulder, sitting up in bed
>I wipe the sleep from my eyes and look at the digital clock next to the bed
>3 am
>before I can say anything I hear glass breaking downstairs
>I sit up, and grab my shotgun from the side table
>”Stay here, I’ll check on Ellior and secure the house.”
>hear her lock the bedroom door behind me as I go out into the hall
>Ellior’s door is wide open, and nobody is in her room
>hear another crash downstairs, and Ellior yell
>make my way to the stairwell, heart pounding
>I flip the stairwell lights on, illuminating something laying in a heap on the landing below
>Ellior, naked and twisted, was twitching in a pool of blood
>her face, on a head nearly twisted backwards, showed that both her eyes were gouged out
>as I start to rush down the stairs to her, something grabs me from behind
>I get thrown to the side, smashing into the wall, before being tossed back into the hallway
>look up at a massive shadow standing over me, a rotten stink filling my nostrils
>raise my shotgun, and pull both triggers to blow it away
>the gun clicks
>empty
>it reaches down, wrapping a hand around my throat, and slamming me up into the ceiling
>as I lay on the floor, gasping, my ribs shatter, I hear it speak
>”Even now, you do his bidding.”
>it then raises a foot and stomps my head in
>my eyes bolt awake, and I feel cold
>after a few moments, I let out the breath I had been holding in
>something is coming

3/12/19

>the next morning, I got out of the shower, wiping the mirror with my hand to clear away steam
>my beard and hair are starting to get out of control
>search through the drawers, and pull out some stuff
>pomade and comb my hair, buzzing the sides of my head
>lather my face with shaving cream 
>give myself a close shave with a straight razor
>hey hey hey
>there’s that face of mine
>I went from looking in my mid thirties to looking in my late twenties
>not bad
>flex in the mirror for a few minutes
>pull on some clothes, just a white T-shirt and jeans
>feels weird
>pull on my gun belt, sliding the shotty into the holster
>nothing like carrying in your own home
>pause, remembering my nightmare and check the gun
>loaded
>hear Loreli whistle as I come downstairs and walk into the dining room
>”Lookin’ good.” she says, giving me a kiss and a cup of coffee
>feels good
>Ding zips onto my shoulder, rubbing my clean face, nodding in approval
>she pops into my mug, sighing as she sinks in
>oh well excuse me
>...
>take a sip
>eh
>not bad
>”Where’s Ellior?”
>”She went out for a morning run.” Loreli says, tapping her fingers next to a plate of eggs and bacon she sat at my spot at the table

>I sit, setting my mug off to the side
>”How long has she been gone?” I ask, pulling her down to sit across my lap
>she wraps an arm around my shoulders, rubbing my cheek with her other hand
>”Only about ten minutes, she’ll be fine. She took her gun.”
>”I’d worry more about whoever fucks with her.”
>she notices me chewing the inside of my cheek, and leans in, kissing my forehead
>”How was your night?” she asks
>she knows
>she always knows
>”Just another bad dream. The usual. You?”
>she chews her lip “Nothing too bad.”
>I chew a strip of bacon, ripping off a piece and handing it to the fairy lounging in my coffee
>”We’re out of eggs, Ellior had a helluva appetite.”
>I sigh
>”She’ll eat us out of house and home.” I say with a smile, mentally adding eggs to the list of supplies to get when I go back to town
>Ellior wants me to take her, she wants to borrow another book from the Mayor
>I could let her go on her own, she does take care of the horse after all
>though it would leave us without transport
>as I mull this over, Loreli and Ding steal my bacon

>we finish MY breakfast, and Ding flies down to the vault
>Loreli and sit on the couch, opening a laptop her dad gave us
>has a Red Dead Redemption 2 wallpaper
>nice taste
>”Alright, so we can use this to find bounties and jobs…”
>she groans and hugs me “But we just settled…”
>”Don’t worry, I won’t take any too far off, besides, the legendary Hero of Neumagh can’t simply retire!”
>”And the beautiful Gunslinger of Saunders Glenn.”
>I nod “Her too.”
>”You do know Ellior will want to join our work, right?”
>I sigh
>”Yeah, though, something tells me we won’t be able to stop her.”
>Loreli laughs
>”We could team her up with Ding, I could have you all to myself.”
>”Oh Ding wouldn’t like that.”
>”Yeah, worth a try though.”
>I close the laptop and lean back
>looks like this method of finding work won’t be solid for a good while
>I’ll just put out some advertisements when I go into town

3/14/19

>Ellior was fiddling with my FAL in the back of the wagon while I drove us into town
>Loreli stayed back with Ding
>”girls night”
>I saw all the romcoms she had downloaded on the laptop
>was popping a massive amount of popcorn when I left
>I had enough of that back in my world
>”Are we almost there?”
>I reach up, rubbing my now smooth chin “Nearly, you got the list?”
>”I thought you had the list.”
>fuuuuuuck
>I sigh “Well, we’ll figure it out.”
>after about an hour of small talk and singing “Rhodesians never die” we make it to town
>hand her a little pouch of coins
>”Grab yourself some gear while we’re in town, there’s a milsurp shop down that way.”
>she hugs me and speeds off down the road, barely letting me grab my FAL before she left
>sling my rifle on my back and shake my head, entering the general store

>3/17/19

>chat with the elf in the general store, a swole wood elf tapping away at a typewriter
>bought food, ammo, and other bits and bobs
>went on down to the butcher and picked up plenty of meat
>Ding loves her meat
>as I’m loading up the wagon, Ellior comes back
>she’s wearing an olive drab T-shirt, cut and tied to show her midriff like Loreli does, a pair of khaki shorts, and some desert tan jungle boots, socks pulled up to her knees
>Vietnam era surplus chest rigging and backpack loaded down with gear
>she comes over to the wagon, tossing two duffle bags filled with unknown amounts of milsurp, gear, and MREs into the back, and straightens a red beret on top of her head
>”They were having a sale!”
>I don’t know how I know but I do know that Loreli knew about the sale and planned this 
>I just know
>”Well? How do I look?”
>”The gear suits you, come on.”
>hoist myself up onto the driver’s bench, and pat the spot next to me
>”I’ll let you drive us home, bring our haul back to base.”
>she smiles even wider and scrambles up, taking the reins 

>as we’re about to get moving, I hear something
>the sound of horses, a lot of them, whinnying and hammering the ground with heavy hooves
>I grab Ellior and dive behind the wagon as gunshots ring out, striking the storefront and our wagon
>hear yelling, horses, and more gunshots going down the main road, the locals screaming
>grab my rifle and poke my head out from behind the wagon
>a fucking bandit gang, led by a guy on a black horse and a distinct lack of head
>they’re firing into the air and taking potshots at scrambling townsfolk
>I start to rise, but Ellior grabs my shoulder
>she reaches into a duffel bag that was dragged down with us, and pulls out a mini Draco AK47 pistol, loading it with a drum magazine
>I can feel Vlad smiling down at us
>as we’re about to rise and attack, hear a voice call out
>”STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!”
>everything goes silent as a tall, lanky elf dressed like Woody from Toy story comes sauntering out of the bar, a shiny gold star gleaming in the sunlight, a revolver spinning around his finger
>it’s the Sheriff
>we’re saved!
>he raises the pistol and aims at the headless rider
>”Reach for the stars!”
>yes! The town is saved! 
>the entire gang cowers as they throw down their weapons
>as they’re locked up, the entire town carries their hero on their shoulder
>just kidding
>the headless rider raises a black mare’s leg and blows the Sheriff's fucking head off

>3/18/19

>he spins the gun around, chambering a new round one handed like the damn terminator, black smoke trailing from the gun itself, before firing another shot into the air, black smoke trailing the glowing round, which explodes above
>I want that
>shutters slam open, gun barrels aiming out
>elves aim rifles from their balconies and doorways
>mostly levergats, coach guns, and revolvers
>swear I hear that western whistle as everything goes silent, save for the sounds of breathing and gun safeties
>look down, seeing Ellior white knuckling the mini draco, shivering and staring forward, eyes wide
>slowly lower my hand, and put it on her back, causing her to snap back to reality
>I’m too used to having Loreli with me
>Ellior hasn’t done this before
>she looks at me, and I motion for her to stay down
>that is when the hat dropped

>I think some local fired, killing a bandit
>shit kicked off, and I popped up to fire along with the rest of the town
>several more bandits fell from their horses, one sounding an awful lot like the Wilhelm scream
>the headless horseman leaps from his horse as it falls, contorting his body in disturbing and unnatural ways to dodge fire, his arm twisting to fire back at the townsfolk
>he spins, a black, smoky saber materializing in his hand, swinging upwards to vertically bisect an elf who was charging him with a sword
>I concentrate fire on the horseman, hitting him in center mass a few times, sending him stumbling backwards, before he regains his balance and fires back, sending me back behind the wagon for cover
>our horse chose a bad time to freak the fuck out and bolt
>as it starts moving, I grab Ellior
>”Sorry kid.” I say, as I toss her into the wagon as it speeds off away from the fight
>something grabs me as I watch her scream from the wagon, throwing me into the side of the general store, feeling my ribs crack on impact
>as start to slide down the wall, I’m grabbed around the neck by a cold hand
>the headless man pins me against the wall by my throat, my legs kicking
>he brings the shadowy saber forward, impaling me through the shoulder
>I scream as the sword, so cold it burns, stabs through me
>the headless man leans in close, and I can hear him laughing
>he walks away, leaving the sword as my vision begins to blur
>he whistles, his remaining bandits, along with his resurrected horse retreating, the headless man smoothly mounting as they ride past
>say what you want, he has style

3/19/19

>fuck where am I
>how much did I drink
>wait a minute
>oh right
>passed out from the pain after the gang headed by the fucking headless gunslinger rode away
>after impaling me
>I feel all better n--
>oh
>there it is
>groan, feeling a hand squeezing mine hard enough to ache
>open my eyes, finding Loreli sitting next to me, gripping my hand
>”Why is it everytime there’s a fight, I get fucked up…” I mutter, raising my metal hand to rub my eyes
>Loreli just lets out a choked chuckle, helping me sit up
>”Is Ellior okay?”
>”She’s fine, sped back to the house to get me. She was out of her mind.”
>I groan, reaching over to my right shoulder, where all the pain was
>ow ow ow
>pull my hand away, blood shining on my shiny palm
>”You keep bleeding through your bandages.” Loreli says, pushing me back down and reaching for a basket of fresh rolls of linen, drawing my attention to the tray covered in bloody bandages, stained black and red
>the door to the room, which I now realize is an Inn room, where I used to stay in Saunder’s Glenn, and Ding flew in, landing on my chest and falling forward, hugging onto my collarbone, chattering 
>reach up, and gently brush her wings with the metal fingers, careful not to hurt her
>Ellior pokes her head into the cracked door, eyes red and puffy
>the last she saw of me before fleeing was me getting impaled by a headless man, so
>yeah

3/20/19


>my wound isn’t healing right
>not even with the coat, or magic
>the wound is black, not like an infection, more like
>like a curse
>after changing my bandages, Loreli brought me the saber that had been stabbed through me
>as I picked it up, I marveled at how light it is 
>it’s almost weightless
>made out of an icy cold, black metal that doesn’t shine
>it just soaks up light
>it looks like a Confederate cavaliers saber, black, and covered in swirling, smoky patterns
>”How many townspeople died, Loreli?”
>”Twenty. Twelve more are wounded.”
>I blew out a slow breathe, eyes moving to Ellior, sleeping in a chair in the corner, clutching her rifle
>good thing I got her away
>”My father wants to see you, when you’re ready to get out of bed.”
>I think for a bit, chewing my lip
>”Can you help me send a few letters? I have a book of addresses in my coat.”
>she gets it, eyes lingering on the unrepaired cut that went through the shoulder of the coat
>”Okay, let’s get started…”
>I sent 2 letters
>one to the Aldrehiest Thaumaturgy Academy, addressed to Lightskin
>one to Shovel, of the Plains Elves
>I’ll have to get the gang back together for this

>a few days after the letters were sent, I went to meet with Mayor Saunders
>the buildings along the road were still shot up, and were in the process of being repainted
>the maid took me up to the Mayor’s office, and he gestured for me to sit down
>I gladly drank the shot of whiskey he offered me
>”So, you want me to go after the headless man and his gang of assholes?”
>”You sound used to this.”
>”I am.”
>he chuckles, putting two cups on the desk and pouring more whiskey
>he looks rough, white stubble growing on his face, his glorious goatee untrimmed
>losing twenty townsfolk at once would do that
>”We’ll pay you well.”
>I wave him off, drinking my whiskey 
>”Don’t worry about it, boss man.”
>he shakes his head “I’ll never understand you.”
>”I have a few guys coming into town to help with this, so you’ll have to talk to them.”
>my boys gotta be paid well
>I wonder how Lightskin has been

>3/23/19

>Ellior, Ding and I poke our heads out from the trench
>Ellior and I are wearing some Stahlhelms she got on the milsurp run, and Ding has a little helmet she made out of a thimble
>about a hundred meters away is the cursed saber, sitting in the middle of a field, dynamite tied all to it
>Ellior had an idea that destroying the cursed thing would let me heal
>so we went out to the swamp people and bought a bunch of their dynamite
>something like
>ten sticks?
>Ellior motions to the detonator as she finishes wiring it
>where the hell did she learn to do this
>I make sure they have their earpro on, and put both hands on the plunger
>deep breath
>push down
>nothing
>okay maybe the sticks were--
>BOOM
>dirt and debris rains down into the trench as I push Ellior and Ding down 
>after a few seconds we poke our heads up and look
>massive fucking crater
>yay we did it
>I don’t feel any different
>what’s that whistling?
>the sword lands and sticks into the ground a foot in front of the trench
>mocking me
>I think this might need a more magical solution
 
>we walked back into town, the sword hanging on my belt
>might as well use it if I need to
>found a cheap scabbard for it so I won’t accidently give myself more cursed cuts
>met Loreli in the Saloon
>we got a table in the corner, and Ding went with Ellior to get some food
>”No luck?” Loreli asks as I lean back in my chair, sipping some whiskey
>”Absolutely no change. Like putting a goblin in an elf school.”
>she laughs, choking on her beer
>”I heard a funny story from some mercenaries that came through…”
>I cock my brow “Go on.”
>”Apparently some fairy is the head of this growing mercenary outfit, they even did a job for the Mayor while we were away.”
>”A fairy?” I ask, amused
>”Yes sir. A real tough one too, with a human she calls “Doc” and “Mine.”
>ahhhh I get it now
>Ding immediately comes to mind
>”Anything else?”
>”Yeah, they might have a bunch of adorable child soldiers.”
>wat
>these guys sound alright

>before we can continue, a tall, lanky figure walks up to our table
>he’s wearing a cloak, with the cowl pulled down
>”Can I help you pal?” I ask, putting a hand on my shotgun
>that’s when I notice the fanny pack sticking out from his cloak
>he pulls his hood back, revealing a pale orc with a flat top haircut and short tusks
>I rise, and we clasp hands
>”Lightskin! You’ve gotten taller!”
>“You’ve gotten bulkier!”
>we laugh, and share a no-homo manly embrace
>he sits across from us, and pulls a capri sun out of his fanny pack, spilling .40 S&W onto the table
>holy shit he hasn’t changed
>he gets all flustered as he tries to grab up his ammo

>I was talking to Lightskin, catching up, when he mentioned a friend
>”Ahh where is Nolan? He said he’d just get a snack at the bar!”
>huh
>where’s Ding
>I hear a flutter of wings and something lands on my shoulder 
>”Hey Ding, remember Lightski--”
>who the fuck are you
>a male fairy with black hair and rounded wings stood on my shoulder, looking at me
>”Hello?”
>he chatters a little, then zooms over to Lightskin, landing on his shoulder
>Ding flitters onto my shoulder, grabs onto me, and hisses
>huh
>so fairies are territorial

>”Meet Nolan, one of the finest enchanters of Aldreheist Academy.”
>the fairy takes a deep bow, and chatters
>”Hey Nolan, nice to meet you, this Ding, and Loreli.”
>where’s Ellior
>as I think that, the elf slides a tray of food onto the table, piled high with bread, meat, and fruit
>holy shit kid
>must’ve spent all the money I gave her
>”This is Ellior.”
>Lightskin pauses, looking at the four of us
>”HOW LONG WAS I GONE!?”
>what
>”Bud, relax, she’s adopted.”
>Loreli bursts out laughing, choking on the bread she had been munching on
>I slap her back a few times, and she hugs onto my arm

>I pause
>”Hey Nolan, you’re an enchanter?”
>he crosses his arms and nods with a smile
>”Could you ID an enchantment for me? Maybe find a way to break it?”
>another nod, and I hear another territorial hiss from Ding
>”Ding, chill. You’re irreplaceable.”
>the fairy on my shoulder blushes and punches me in the cheek
>I stand, drawing the saber, and Lightskin holds up his hands in surrender
>that’s right fucker
>give me your lunch money
>Ellior pulls the tray aside, her and Loreli quietly digging in
>put the sword down for Nolan to look at
>he looks at it, then reaches out to press a hand to the side
>immediately shrieks and recoils, hiding behind Lightskin
>the fairy is chattering and whimpering
>”He says the sword is made out of pure condensed evil and suffering.” Loreli translates through a mouthful of roast beef
>oh so it’s perfect for me
>if only I could heal the whole
>cursed wound thing

4/6/19

>we eventually convinced Nolan to take a closer look at the sword, then my wound
>when he asked about where the sword came from, I told him “Some fucker without a head made it pop out of nowhere.”
>my wounds would only fully heal if I destroy the sword
>to do that I’ll have to kill the one who made it
>for some reason he left a saber made out of a fraction of his soul with me
>a taunt?
>arrogance?
>he forgot like a retard?
>maybe

>we took the group back to the house, using the wagon and Lightskin’s bicycle
>fucker rode a bicycle all the way here
>training wheels and little bell included
>had a baseball card with a headless man firing a thompson on it stuck in the spokes
>they had replaced the basket on the front of the handlebars with a little birdhouse thing for Nolan
>the inside was like a cross between a bachelor’s pad and a magic workshop
>at least from what I could tell from the glimpses through the windows
>Loreli sat up front with me, while Ellior sat in the back with Lightskin and the fairies

>”So there we were, surrounded by the biggest army of Orcs and Goblins you can imagine…”
>Ellior was fangirling over Lightskin, flipping through her book and checking accuracy
>she had died at his stuttering explaination of his side of the Shovelhand incident 
>”I was reading my poetr—I-I mean my heroic manuals- when I hear Anon start screaming. I knock over my candles—my heroic candles for uhhh heroism- and set my tent on fire to intimidate the enemy and make a heroes entrance. I come out of the tent and see Vlad, stark naked and firing his RPK at a stretched out dwarf chasing Anon…”
>Loreli had to take the reigns because I couldn’t breathe
>Ellior eventually got to Vlad
>”If it wasn’t for him, neither me nor Anon would be here. He let us warn Neumagh and prepare.”
>I miss you Vlad 
>RIP in pepperoni 


5/24/19

>”Anon! Anon! Wake up!”
>I grumble and roll over
>”Five more minutes.”
>”Anon!”
>Ellior shakes my shoulder again
>fiiiiiine
>sit up, rubbing my eyes
>feels like I’ve been asleep for 
>like
>a month
>yawn, and check my watch
>8:30
>guess it is about time to keep moving
>”Where’s Loreli?” I ask, strapping on my arm
>Ellior reaches for a roll of bandages for my wounds
>”Outside with the others, getting the wagon ready.”
>”Anything else?” I say, lifting an arm to let her apply some fresh gauze
>”Yeah, you got some mail.”
>what

>I exit the tent, stretching and yawning
>just outside is this wood crate
>”For Anon, don’t touch” is written on the top in red paint
>huh
>reach down, and just crush the lock 
>ahhh this hand is so satisfying sometimes
>when I’m not feeling phantom pain and having nightmares about the thing that bit me
>as I reach for the latch, I hear a giggle from inside
>what
>that sounded familiar
>more giggles
>throw the lid open
>”SURPRISE!” screams Kalcium, as he pops out of the box
>I just look at him, used to this shit at this point
>”Kalcium?”
>he does some anime pose 
>”YES FAGGOT! SEE ANY OTHER SEXY SKELETONS AROUND!?”
>I cross my arms “Why are you here? Where is the truck?”
>he sighs
>”Girlfriend took the truck to go on a vacation with a bunch of her girlfriends, or something like that.”
>”Are you two fighting?”
>”Nope.”

>hear a girly shriek
>look over and see Lightskin hiding behind the wagon
>”WHY IS THERE A SKELETON!?”
>”Buddy I told you about Kalcium.”
>”I THOUGHT IT WAS A METAPHOR!”
>fucking what
>Kalcium walks over to Lightskin
>slowly reaches into a little pink backpack he is wearing
>holds out a bottle of milk to Lightskin
>”I like you, half-nigger! You know a spooky scary skeleton when you see one!”

>as I’m packing, realize I can’t find my journal
>it was a new one I got about a month ago, when we left Saunders’ Glenn to either kill the headless jackass or cure my curse
>hopefully both
>well
>looks like nobody will ever hear about all the adventures we got up to for that month
>that time Lightskin lost his V card to a nest of Lamias
>the time I arm wrestled an anthropomorphic giraffe for ownership of Ding’s soul
>the time Ellior strangled a man with his own intestines in a “blood rage”
>nobody will ever want to hear those stories
>right?

>Loreli wraps her arms around me from behind as I’m packing, and an ear pokes my cheek
>”Hey Knife-ear.”
>”You sure took your sweet time waking up.”
>she sounds kinda guilty
>”So... “
>”So?”
>”Ding and I ate your breakfast.”
>FUCK
>I MISSED LIGHTSKIN COOKING
>right on cue, my stomach voices my torment at having missed the cooking of my favorite half nigger monster man
>”Hey Anon.”
>”Yes Loreli?”
>”We’re out of bacon.”
>aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh
>bacon is a staple for any long epic road trip!
>wait we had a shit ton
>how the hell did they eat it all!?
>I managed to get ahold of some leftover cornbread before it disappeared
>some grits
>good shit
>Lightskin’s cornbread would make any Southern granny proud
>I climb into the back of the wagon, the canopy providing relief from the harsh sun
>Ellior is messing with her rifle
>muttering curses at how dirty she let it get
>look at my FAL
>not too clean either
>FAMILY BONDING TIME

>as I pull out my cleaning kit, I hear Lightskin, Kalcium, and Nolan chatting up front
>a lot of laughing
>some stuff about jews and how much they all hate orcs
>aww Lightskin made a friend
>as I open up my FAL, and pull out the bolt, Ding lands on my leg
>she gives me a look and holds out her hands
>roll my eyes and hand her the bolt assembly
>she almost drops it, and flits over next to Loreli, sitting down and pulling out a tiny rag
>alright then
>look at Loreli
>she smirks, shrugs, and pulls out her pistols
>smugly twirls the perfectly shined revolvers 
>you’re pretty good
>go back to my FAL
>we all sort of continue like this, until we hit a bump
>barely protect my dick as Loreli falls forward, knee hitting my thigh instead
>”FUCKING KIKES PUT THIS HOLE HERE!”
>oh great now Kalcium is shrieking
>get out
>why the hell does this always happen
>weird hole in the road
>wheel looks cracked
>fucking
>wonderful
>as I’m about to say more, a shot rings out from the treeline
>Nolan, who was flying right next to Lightskin’s head, pops like a grape
>we scramble for cover
>I grab Ding and shove her into her pocket
>curse as I reach for my FAL and find it disassembled
>Loreli yanks me down behind the wagon as more shots ring out, shoving one of her pistols into my hand

>Lightskin is crying, firing his pistols into the treeline, before dropping one and hurling a fucking fireball
>wait
>where’s Kalcium
>the firing from the treeline stops
>hear men shrieking
>hear Kalcium shrieking
>some shots fire out, but are drowned out by the sound of twin MG34s
>see some trees fall over as Kalcium cuts a swathe through everything
>a man, a human, comes running out towards us
>he is missing both of his fucking arms and has pissed himself
>he’s wearing a shirt that reads “Orgasm Donor”
>we all open fire
>it was like that ridiculous scene from The Expendables 3
>he screamed, shook around
>very dramatic

>fucking reddit bandits
>we scraped Nolan off of Lightskin’s cheek and put him in an ammo box
>Lightskin didn’t talk the whole time
>”You okay buddy?”
>”Yeah.”
>he’ll be fine
>we fix up the wagon
>Kalcium somehow used milk to repair the wheel
>look at the map
>some city named “Lokelech, city of the cursed”
>seems like the right place
>it’s close too
>for some reason it is represented by a series of rings on the map
>”Hey Lightskin, do you know anything about this place?”
>he jumps, having zoned out
>”Huh? Yeah… yeah…”
>he leafs through a booklet
>”Lokelech… the ancestral sanctuary of the Teifling species…”
>I notice Ellior tense up in my peripheral vision
>oh no
>”Teiflings…” Loreli says, sighing
>”Have you guys met any?”
>”A few. They weren’t really…”
>”Well, I’m sure they aren’t that bad. Like, I fucking hate Orcs and I’m half!”
>you know
>good point
>besides, they might have nice food

5/28/19

>”Anooooooonnn!”
>”Yes Kalcium?”
>”Are we there yeeeeeet?”
>look around
>”Kalcium we got here hours ago why are you in my room?”
>he looks around
>nice little hotel room, in one of the outer rings of the city
>2 beds, bathroom, etc
>fantasy Marriot hotel, basically
>kind of Egyptian, or Japanese aesthetic going on
>everything is built of shiny black rock, like obsidian
>fucking gorgeous
>the entire city is built in rings, with things getting higher class the further you go inwards
>and no, I haven’t visited the cloud district yet
>Loreli looks at Kalcium from our bed
>”Hey Bones, I thought you said you’d bunk with Lightskin?”
>he snaps his fingers
>”Ah! I forgot! Gotta go! Gonna show him Toradora!”
>sprints out
>fucking Kalcium

5/30/19

>I stand, my gear lain out on a desk, and stretch
>turn to my little family
>notice how quiet Ellior is
>she seems tense
>”Hey kid, you okay?”
>she looks up
>”Yeah.”
>”I’m going to go get us all some food, are you hungry?”
>she nods
>go on down
>get some of the local eatings
>Ellior slowly relaxes after eating some
>the food is slightly spicy and roasted
>kinda gritty but not in a terrible way
>fills your belly with a comfortable warmth
>tear a roll in half
>insides are kind of orange
>sniff and taste
>kind of like
>sweet potatoes?
>got some delicious meat kebabs
>the meat is sweet like pork, slightly charred, and is tender
>give Ding some, and she chews it down while organizing our ammo
>sorted by type
>nicely polished
>like always
>give her a scratch between the wings
>I love this fairy

>after we got done eating, I changed my bandages
>curse is still pretty bad
>not bleeding as much anymore
>”Hey Anon, you could probably find a cure for that, or staples.” Ellior calls over, laying back on her bed
>”Wouldn’t super glue be better?”
>she pauses, chewing her lip for a minute
>”Yeah, some Vietnam medicine.”
>I’m so proud.
>those /k/ approved books were worth the shipping
>strap my shotgun and saber on
>ensure I have my ammo fairy
>”Either of you want to come?”
>they both shake their heads
>Loreli gets up, and gives me a hug and a peck on the cheek
>”I’ll stay with her, she’s tense.” she whispers in my ear
>nod at her
>as I leave the room, I bump into Kalcium and Lightskin
>”Hey buddy!” Kalcium exclaims, raising a hand for a high five
>could have been a Roman salute
>slap his spooky skeleton hand
>”Where are you guys going?”
>”U-uh we’re going to… explore the culture?”
>look at Kalcium because I can tell Lightskin is full of shit
>”I’m taking him to a whorehouse!”
>”Alright, stay out of trouble you two.”
>they turn and rush off, Lightskin nearly as red as a Tiefling 

>I had already tried 2 apothecaries today
>both had sent me on my way
>did buy some miscellaneous potions from a bargain bin though
>one bottle is called “Ragin’ Orc vitality potion”
>maybe it’s a stamina potion?
>another is simply labeled “PP+”
>the fuck is that supposed to mean
>well I guess my bag of potentially expired or defective potions could be useful 
>kinda nervous about the ones without labels

>as I’m walking I hear a little girl scream for a split second 
>look up from reading a potion label only to get hit in the face with something small and hard
>drop the potion, which rolls away as I clutch my face in pain
>”AHHH BALLS”
>look down at whatever just fucking killed some of my brain cells
>a tiny leather shoe
>slightly scuffed from my face
>reach down with one hand and pick it up
>”Natalie” is written on the tag
>who the fuck is Natalie and why did she just try to kill me

6/2/19

>as I take a shortcut down an alleyway, having been told of a talented mage who has set up shop in this area, I hear something
>”Heh heh heh. Hello traveler.”
>spin around, hands up in some bastardization of a karate pose
>sitting in a gutter is someone wrapped in rags and a filthy shawl, a pair of crooked horns poking out from under the hood telling me they’re a Tiefling
>the voice is rough, but definitely male
>the figure leans in, revealing a wrinkled, scarred face, with wild eyes and gray hair
>looking closer, this old coot has heterochromia, one bright green eye, the other yellow
>he sniffs
>”I smell it on you. A curse.”
>he sniffs again
>”And something attached to you.”
>”What? What do you mean?”
>Ding pokes her head out of my coat pocket, yawning
>looks at the hobo
>looks up at me, confused by something
>like she doesn’t understand what she’s looking at

>he clears his throat, and I look at him again
>he’s not red
>looks as pale as a human, or snow elf
>what is this guy
>”If you want to have that cursed swords hold on you severed, seek out the priestess of the golden eyes.”
>”Who now?”
>down the alley, I hear something like a bottle breaking
>when I look back, the old bum is gone, a black feather sitting where he was
>oh great
>more of the usual then
>Ding flits down to the feather, and brings it back to me
>shrug and tuck it away with the shoe
>well
>time to look for a priestess

6/21/19

>I walk into the hotel room and drop my bag on the bedside table
>I plop back down on my bed, sighing
>well, I couldn’t find anything about a golden eyed priestess
>Ding lands on the pillow near my head, and rubs my cheek
>she chatters and I let out a slow breath
>”Right? We looked all day…”
>she digs around in my bag, and crawls out with a strip of some spicy jerky we got at a market
>”Hey. Give me some before you eat it all.” I say with a chuckle
>as I reach for some of the jerky, I hear the door unlocking
>I put my hand on my shotty as the door swings open
>relax as Loreli and Ellior walk in, carrying some bags
>”Anon!” Loreli calls, taking 3 steps to the bed and falling on top of me
>have wind crushed out of me
>great now I’m cursed and under a tired elf
>at least take off your gun belt first woman 
>feel her revolver dig into me
>at least I hope that’s a revolver

>as we discuss what we had each done today, we clean our guns while eating takeout
>like a civilised family
>let Ellior clean my FAL
>she really likes that gun
>”So, you and Ding spent the entire day looking around for anything, only to find everything except what you were actually looking for?” Loreli asks, munching on some kind of kebab
>”More or less…” I mutter, reaching back to rub the back of my head
>”And some small child tried to kill you with a shoe?”
>”Mmmhmm…”
>”Aaaaand you bought a bag of potentially dangerous and mostly unlabeled potions.”
>”Okay okay I know, what have you two done while I was gone?”
>”Well, I took Ellior shopping.”
>Ellior yelps, taking the cap off the gas tube of my FAL, the piston firing out and across the room
>I yelp and duck, almost spilling my meat platter
>MY PROTEIN
>the piston hits a lamp, shattering it
>right on queue, there is a frantic knocking on the door
>oh what the fuck is it now
>look down at my plate
>only see a satisfied looking fairy asleep where my food was, a bullet cuddled in her arms
>fuck
>get up
>fucker won’t stop knocking
>”I’m coming! Chill!”
>open the door
>what are you doing here

>Cherry waves at me
>”Long time no see cunt!”
>I thought he was dead
>he even did the dramatic final words thing
>”I thought you were dead…”
>”You mad cunt! I passed out! I woke up still on the floor of the Inn room!”
>Ellior looks over my shoulder
>he looks over at my shoulder, Ellior and Loreli waving
>”See you got your girl back! Good on ya!”
>I’m still shocked
>how is he alive
>”How did you find us?”
>he laughs, hands on his belly
>”I heard that some nutty crew of a skeleton, a half orc, some elves and a human with a shiny hand who had a fairy on his shoulder rolled into town! Knew it was you!”
>well
>we do stand out
>like a crew from some JRPG

>I ask Cherry about the priestess I was told to find
>”Never heard of her. Just got into town.”
>dammit
>we decided to look for work to both occupy us, and give us some pocket money
>most of the fortune is back in the vault
>some retard spent most of our travel money on room service and discount potions
>oh wait
>worth it
>we found the usual giant quest board outside the main gates
>”Lava fuckers”
>”What the hell is a Lava Fucker?” Loreli asks
>I shrug
>”Pays well.” I say, pulling the poster down, and whistling at the bounty
>500 dollars per Lava Fucker killed

>we went out to the farm advertised on the flyer
>some old Tiefling in ragged clothes ran out to see us
>”YOU GONNA KILL THEM LAVAFUCKERS?”
>”Y-yeah…”
>”GOOD! DON’T GET ROASTED ALIVE!”
>he then ran back into his hut after pointing us in the right direction
>we walked until we hit a large area of volcanic rock
>obsidian, ashes everywhere, all that
>no fumes
>oh and lava
>it looked like the inside of an Oblivion gate
>all of a sudden I hear something
>”AAARHFHFHFHGHHF!”
>weird lava men with the heads of lizards are sprinting at us
>fire and lava flying everywhere
>wings made out of smoke
>penises
>multiple penises
>too many penises
>after a few moments of disbelief, we all scatter into cover and open fire

>toss myself into cover next to Ellior who is blankly staring into space
>oh shit she’s having flashbacks
>the penises triggered her
>”ELLIOR! SHOOT THEM!”
>she snaps out of it, nearly dropping her rifle
>”S-sorry.”
>I rise over cover just in time for a lava fucker to jump at me
>screech and punch him in the face with my metal hand
>he goes flying back, dicks waving in the wind
>look at hand
>just a little scorched
>these fuckers are light, and not as hot as they look
>see him spasm and fizzle on the ground, before collapsing into a pile of ash and bone
>see Cherry hefting his RPG
>”I AIN’T SEEN THESE MANY DICKS SINCE MY BIRTHDAY! DIE CUNTS!”
>blows up like 12 of them

>we were looking around the ashy corpses
>man why are there so many dead niggers out here
>we decided to look at our Lava Fucker kills instead
>21 of them
>10500 dollars
>I think
>maybe there are some fumes
>head feels kinda funny
>could be the battle high
>or I reopened a curse wound
>whatever we’re gonna get paid
>Ding chatters a little
>what is it girl
>did you find something
>she digs around in one of the Lava Fucker corpse
>comes out with a shiny red gem
>glowing a little
>PAY DAY JUST GOT BETTER

>we split the profits equally
>1750 dollars each
>gonna get the gems appraised later
>they’re slightly warm
>smoky 
>pretty as hell
>Ding has been hugging the one she found, giggling
>we only had a few attacks from the local wildlife on our way back to the city
>weird burning demon dogs and snakes
>funky shit
>Kalcium mowed them down for us
>laughed and screamed anime references the whole time
>he pauses
>points up at a cliff and shrieks
>what the hell
>there’s another skeleton standing up there
>he waves and sprints into the hills
>Kalcium shrieks, and without a word, tears off after it
>what just happened
>where did he go
>who was that other skeleton
>hear “I THOUGHT I ATE YOU ALL” in the distance, followed by gunfire

7/20/19 

>it has been six hours and Kalcium hasn’t come back
>well 
>I’m sure I’ll see him again
>I talked with Loreli and she had a brilliant idea 
>”Why don’t we just hire someone to find that Priestess?”
>I stop, and rub my chin, the other arm around her shoulders
>”A solution that would make things easier on us… and possibly get this done faster…”
>I shrug 
>”I’m down.”
>Ellior calls over from the room’s desk, where she’s organizing ammo with Ding
>”I saw a sign, down where we went shopping!”
>”Where now?”
>”Three blocks down, next to the place that sells all that lace underwear and stuff…”
>she pauses
>”Good stuff.”
>I give an uncomfortable cough, and get up
>”Right, who wants to go with me to find a private eye?”

>Ellior stayed back at the hotel 
>”Gonna try on some of my new duds”
>whatever that means
>sure enough, there was this little place next to a huge lingerie shop
>I mean huge
>mannequins in the windows were like golems or some shit
>kept posing all seductively 
>I swear one did a JoJo pose
>big sign out front of the PI’s office
>”Reginald Brass-spine, Detective Extraordinaire”
>Brass-spine
>fuck is this another dwarf
>they tend to die around me a lot
>as we enter, a bell above the door chimes
>”One moment! Pardon my delay!” An odd, accented voice calls from the back
>out of the doorway steps a robot, about seven feet tall, made of brass and what seems to be porcelain
>cloak, top hat, and a monocle 
>fancy cane
>I already love this guy

7/23/19

>”I see… a mysterious beggar told you about some Priestess with golden eyes… or it could be a priestess belonging to a sect…”
>the machine speaks in a regal voice, like what you would expect a royal loremaster to speak like
>he sips some oil out of a teacup, sitting behind his desk as we explain everything to him
>his assistant, a young Tiefling woman, pours each of us a cup of tea, the excuses herself 
>”Yessir tin man. That’s all about what we know.” Loreli says, sighing as she sips the tea
>I nod, trying some myself 
>not bad 
>”You think that this “Priestess” that nobody seems to know about could possibly cure your curse?”
>”Mmmhm.”
>I look down and find Ding lounging in my tea like it’s a hot tub 
>sigh and set the cup down
>”So, are you willing to take the case?”

>Reginald stands, flourishing his cane 
>”THIS IS A TALE OF STAKES AND INTRRRRIGUE! I, SIR REGINALD BRASS-SPINE, SHALL TAKE THE CASE!”
>I’ll take that as a yes
>”Let me gather my things! And we shall be off!”
>we
>oh well I guess I just got a new party member
>he waltzes over to the fireplace, grabbing a huge ornate blunderbuss from over the mantle
>he slings it onto his back, and picks up a leather tote, tossing several books from his bookshelf in
>”Lead onwards! To the truth!” He exclaims, waving his cane around, smashing a flower pot
>”MY BEGONIAS!”
>mfw

>”Hmm. Yes. So this is where you encountered the beggar?”
>we are standing in the alleyway, where I met the strange man
>”Yup. He was kinda laying in that gutter.”
>Reginald hums, rubbing his smooth porcelain chin
>bending down, he adjusts his monocle, beams of blue light flashing out to sweep the area
>oh right 
>robot 
>Loreli lets out a groan, wiping the bottom of her boot off on the curb
>”I think I stepped in something… or someone…”
>”AHA!”
>Reginald’s exclamation startled both of us
>”There is a strange energy signature...”
>on my shoulder, Ding begins to chatter and wave her arms, zipping into my pocket and retrieving that black feather
>”Ah! Lady Ding! You have brought me a clue!” Reginald exclaims, taking the feather from the excited fairy
>he scans it, and hums 
>”Strange. It is akin to mana, yet more pure.”
>hear a sound at the end of the alleyway
>”Anon!” Loreli calls out, drawing a pistol
>aw shit

>at both ends of the alley are men in hooded red robes
>they hold long curved blades in each hand 
>around each one’s neck is a brass pendant of some kind
>the most frightening aspect are the glowing red eyes viable in the darkness of the hoods
>3 men on each end
>no way out
>Loreli and I left our rifles at the hotel
>Reginald stands to his full height, and turns to regard them
>”I’ll take the ones on my end, and leave the rest for you three?”
>as the men start toward us, he unslings his blunderbuss
>”TALLY HO!”
>as chaos erupts in the alley, the thundering bang of the blunderbuss shakes the ground
>I manage to see one man completely turned to mist, while the other one loses an arm
>Loreli and I charge the three on our end
>me with my shorty and knife
>he with her pistols 
>oh and Ding has her sewing needle

7/30/19

>Loreli guns down one man 
>took six shots to the chest and head before he stopped running
>the next two were quicker, dodging and weaving to avoid our fire
>these fuckers are freaky
>I fired both barrels at one and he dropped, contorting his body to let the shot fly over him
>immediately straightened up and kept charging, the cracking of his body echoing
>barely got my saber up before he was on me
>leapt at me and swung both blades downward, arms dislocating at the shoulders
>click clack clang
>the moment the blades touch he turns and spins, like a marionette on a string
>he lunges, locking his swords together near the hilts to form a long pair of shears
>bring up my arm and sword, catching the blades before they could close around me
>give a warcry, and swing a boot upward, hearing a sickening crunch as my foot connects with his crotch
>no reaction
>fuck me

>hear a weird schlorping sound, the figure I’m locked with lurching
>from beneath the hood, a long black tentacle shoots out, wrapping around my neck
>EW
>GROSS
>NO
>the burning eyes stare into mine as the tendril tightens
>as everything begins to darken, I get flashes
>flashes of that damn village
>and what happened there
>I can hear the laughing of that damn orc that has been haunting me as the world fades
>HELL NO
>twist my head around and down, lunging forward and biting the tendril as hard as I can
>a burning liquid fills my mouth as my teeth cut into the slimy flesh, tasting of rotten meat
>the thing shrieks and tries to pull away, but I have my hand wrapped around one of the swords, and my teeth aren’t letting go
>rip my head backwards, feeling the tendril around my throat slacken as I rip it free from the thing’s face

>a geyser of red-black explodes from beneath the hood, and it drops its swords
>as the weapons fall, I lunge, wrapping my hand around whatever head lurked in the shadows
>drive a finger into one of the glowing eyes as I squeeze, hearing a sickening crunch
>toss the spasming thing to the dirt and turn to see Loreli duck under a swing, before bringing up her own knife, disemboweling her opponent
>she unloads her remaining six shots into its back as it bleeds on the ground, the thick blood oozing into the dirt
>Ding zips down and lands on my opponent’s back, stabbing it with her needle while shrieking what can only be insults that no innocent child should hear
>like cunt
>or fuck
>maybe motherfucker

7/31/19

>cough, and scoop up my discarded shotgun
>”No, Ding, this is how you do it.”
>load 2 shells
>stand over the thing as Ding does action poses on my shoulder
>”F-fuck you.”
>fire both barrels into it’s back, the body going rigid, then limp
>hear Loreli gasping for breath behind me
>”F-fuck you?” she asks, a giggle slipping out
>”It’s the best I could do…” I mumble, rubbing my sore throat
>Reginald walks over, wiping blood off himself with a lace handkerchief
>maybe a doily
>”Well, that was rather boorish, wouldn’t you say?”

>he points a thumb behind him
>”I subdued one of them! Come now! Let us find out who desired our deactivations!”
>Loreli reaches over, pulling the severed tentacle from around my neck, shuddering as she tosses it into the gutter
>”Disgusting. Feels like raw catfish.”
>she sniffs her fingers and gags
>”Fuck. It’s like I went knuckle deep in a troll.”
>Ding points at her, laughing
>give her a look
>”Great. Now I have that image in my head.”
>Reginald coughs
>”Shall we?”
>he brings us over to one of the hooded things, both arms tied together like a pretzel around a lamp post
>”Za garud fookit deen.”
>Loreli looks at me
>”The fuck did it say?” 
>she shrugs
>”Sounds like archaic merfolk.”
>look at her
>”Where did you learn all of this?”
>”I like books.”
>”Read any troll smut?”
>”Shh.”

>reach forward and pull back the hood
>look at it
>pull the hood back down
>I don’t even know how to describe that
>hear Loreli cough behind me
>”It’s…”
>”Yeah. Let’s just…”
>wave my hand in front if its face
>”...keep that… hood on.”
>the thing coughs a few times
>or was it laughing
>”ZABOR GURRU FUT DIH!”
>slap it
>”I’M ASKING THE QUESTIONS AROUND HERE!”
>the thing is I’m not even the bad cop
>Ding is
>as I’m dealing with our prisoner, Loreli and Reginald are looking at the bodies
>”Hey Anon! They’re all freaks!”
>I turn around, and walk over, as she picks up the scissor blades
>with a twist, a mechanism near the handles clicks, and the blades separate
>you know
>I kinda like their style
>”Ever read about those?”
>she chews her lip
>”They look a little Elven, but…”
>she gives one an experimental flourish, and nods
>”But?”
>”But different. I like them.”
>she digs around the bodies for sheathes, and takes her loot
>”Madame, that’s evidence!”
>she looks at Reginald
>”I’m just holding onto it.”
>on my shoulder, Ding makes a fascinated sound, then zips down to a corpse 
>crawls under, giving disgusted chirps, then climbs out, carrying one of the weird pendants to Reginald
>bend down and pick one up for myself to look at
>a weird brass disc, inlaid with swirling green stones
>the center one looks like an eye
>how 
>cliche?

>behind me, I hear a wet, gagging sound
>it takes a few moments to realize the thing is laughing 
>”Never… find… us.” it says in a gargling rasp
>it laughs again, and screeches an incantation
>the medallion around its neck glows, and the creature bursts into flames
>the fire is green and black, the flames looking oily
>thick smoke billows into the air as the thing laughs
>I can’t help but get flashes of the headless man from looking at the column of billowing black smoke
>the flames warp my vision, like when you rub your eyes
>after a few moments, there is only a charred husk leaning against the pole
>the medallion melts and trickles into a puddle on the cobblestones
>that was fucking metal

>I look down at the medallion I’m holding, hoping he didn’t set them all off
>the central gem, the one that looks like an eye, flashes, and my vision goes wild
>I collapse, grabbing my head with my other hand 
>Loreli calls out to me as visions dance in front of my eyes
>my head feels like it’s exploding 
>suddenly, I’m not in the alleyway anymore
>I find myself floating in a black void
>panicking, I reach for my gun, but it’s gone
>the air is thick, almost like water, as I gasp for breath
>behind me, I hear a rumbling of some kind
>realizing I still have the sword, I grip it and spin
>before I can even understand what I’m seeing, another flash of light and pain sends me reeling
>”He’s awake.”

>I groan, and reach up to rub my eyes >”Fuck. I feel like I got hit by a bus.”
>I feel Loreli sit down beside me, and I realize I’m on a bed
>”Or a train?”
>god
>why would she bring that up
>I open my eyes, and freeze
>I’m in our room back in the Countess’ castle
>and I have both of my hands
>I turn to my head to find Loreli laying on her side next to me
>”Anon? What’s wrong? Have a bad dream?”
>”Where am I?”
>she looks confused
>”Anon, hon, we’re in Waterlau. Are you okay?”
>she reaches out and touches my arm, causing me to flinch
>she’s ice cold
>I clamber out of bed, my feet tangling in the covers 
>I fall and hit the floor hard, and frantically look around for my guns
>they aren’t there
>Loreli is gone and the fireplace is out
>I look down and find my hands covered in blood
>a scream in the hall brings me back to my senses

>finding only the cursed saber in my room, I stumble into the hall
>the castle is pitch black, like the windows are painted over
>swinging the sword at one, the glass silently shatters, but it’s too foggy outside to see
>I can’t even make out the lights from the city outside
>another shriek, this one echoing down the hall
>that was Ellior
>I take a few steps down the hall, away from the window, when I hear it behind me
>plip 
>plop
>a steady dripping

>slowly turning, I see Loreli standing there, looking at me from the shadows
>relieved, I take a step forward, and pause when I step in something 
>a warm liquid
>looking down, I am horrified to find I’ve stepped in a large pool of blood
>I can see it running down her legs
>”WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME ANON!?”
>her voice is so loud it makes my head throb
>I slip and stumble back at her screech
>gotta get away
>scrambling, I start running down the hall, her wet footsteps slapping on the marble after me
>”ANON! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”
>look behind me
>immediately wish I hadn’t 
>with a crack, her torso turns completely around, her head and legs facing forward
>she drops to all fours, her arms dislocating, and she starts running like a grotesque animal
>her eyes are pinpoints of light in black pools

>I yank a door open, and throw myself through 
>instead of hitting a hard marble floor, I fall into something soft and wet
>and cold
>colder than Loreli’s hands were
>at that thought I roll over, tossing snow into the air
>no door
>just empty space, a black sky
>snow falls down all around
>my hand hits something hard and metal in the snow
>my rifle
>thank god
>stand, checking the weapon with my numb fingers
>fully loaded and ready to go
>okay new objective 
>get the fuck out of whatever this hell is

>taking a few steps forward, the world shakes a little
>I pause, finger tensed on the trigger
>in the distance, I see a cloud of snow piling towards me
>hell no
>no Dyatlov pass bullshit
>break into a sprint, the ground rumbling as the cloud races after me
>in the cloud, I can see dark shapes moving
>the same shapes I’ve seen in my nightmares for months
>ahead, I can see the outline of structures in the darkness
>smoke rising into the air, flames flicking against the sky
>as I sprint towards the burning tents, the world shakes again
>”--ake up, please…”
>everything shakes
>I get thrown to the snow
>I roll over and fire into the cloud as it races towards me
>click
>empty
>I close my eyes and cover my face
>I’m falling
>I take a deep breath as I bolt upwards, everything bright and my eyes blurry
>”We got’im! Hold him! Let him ride it out!”
>some people grab onto my arms, pinning me down to what feels like a bed

>I feel weak and worn, my head hurts
>I struggle, spit, and swear for a good minute before my eyes focus
>I’m in the hotel 
>on the bed
>Lightskin and Ellior are trying their best to hold me down
>is this another layer
>am I still in there
>I pause
>pinch Lightskin 
>”Ow! That hurt!”
>okay I’m awake
>”What happened?” I croak out, my voice hoarse and weak
>Loreli’s hand presses to my cheek, and thankfully, it is warm
>”Okay, Anon. Take a deep breath.”
>oh god no
>am I Venom Anon
>have I been out for 9 years
>”You’ve been asleep for 4 days. You had quite the experience.”
>oh
>why does this keep happening
>it’s like it’s a cheap plot device to skip time and allow some writefag to recollect his thoughts
>why did I just say that
>that’s crazy
>I’m starting to sound like Kalcium
>where did he go anyway


>I climb out of bed
>take 2 steps
>fall flat on my face
>I need food
>”Anon! I’ll get you some soup!”
>Ellior sprints off downstairs
>Loreli coughs 
>”Need some help there? You look like a newborn horse.”
>you know what 
>the floor is nice
>”Nah, give me a minute. My legs are asleep.”
>Ding lands in front of my face
>”Hey.”
>she jumps up and clings to my face, chattering a mile a minute 
>”Yeah, I know. Want to share some soup?”
>more chattering
>I get the feeling she’s saying something like 
>”I missed you so bad”
>or 
>”STOP GETTING KNOCKED OUT RETARD”
>as I’m trying to decide which fit better, Ellior ran in
>tripped on the rug
>and spilled the piping hot soup right on top of my bare back 

>after Loreli used some of her healing magic to heal my back, they filled me in on what I missed
>it had really been 2 weeks, but Loreli didn’t want to shock me
>thanks woman that makes it all so much better
>it’s good to be back though
>I guess
>still cursed and missing a hand
>but at least I can get some elf pussy and shoot guns 
>what was I talking about again
>ah right
>what I missed
>this isn’t the same hotel room
>our last hotel mysteriously burst into flames a few hours after the alley scuffle
>they had to throw me out a window to get me out
>just tied a rope around my ankles and Lightskin threw me out
>”Where’s the robot?”
>”He ran off after some lead, gave us an address “In case I do not return from my harrowing ordeal!”
>”Well when did he leave?”
>Loreli grabs Lightskin’s arm, looking at the mickey mouse watch he has taped to his wrist
>”Hmmm… it’s about 2:30… so…”
>she shrugs
>”6 days ago?”
>what
>”He’s been gone for 6 days and nobody went to check on him?”
>”Wellll…”

>”Anon are you sure you should come with us?”
>”Ellior, I’m fine.”
>I take another drink from my canteen
>my magic coat is helping me stay on my feet, along with the metric fuckton of food I devoured
>”Alriiight. So…”
>Lightskin flips his map over a few times, chewing his lip
>”Are we lost, big guy?” Loreli questions, elbowing him
>”N-no. I just left my glasses in the hotel room.”
>we’re lost
>this city is a maze of statues, temples, etc
>at least it looks neat
>sure it looks like Aztec Japan and smells like smoke
>but it has culture
>”Ah! Here we are!”
>looks like some kind of tavern
>”Ye Olde Parrot”
>what the fuck
>looking closer, it is actually a large boat that has been converted into some kind of rickety floating building
>weird, looks completely out of place
>looking at Lightskin’s map, I find that we’re near some flooded area near the crater, akin to the great lakes
>neat
>maybe we’ll find some black sand beaches after this is all done
>oh and after hunt down the headless fucker

>as we walk in, the bouncer stops Ellior
>he’s a fucking Minotaur
>”How old are you?”
>fuck I don’t even know 
>”21.”
>”Really?”
>”Really.”
>”Really really?”
>Really really.”
>he sort of squints and looks at her
>”Hmmm…”
>she squints back
>after a solid minute of an uncomfortable staring contest, the Minotaur looks away
>”Alright. Have a nice night.”
>Ellior fucking slaps his ass as she walks past
>she lets out the biggest breath as she falls into step with the rest of us
>”That was close.”
>what the fuck just happened

>this place is pretty nice
>wooden tables and chairs everywhere
>cushions
>cigar and pipe smoke hangs in the air
>hell, the place has another floor
>open windows give a nice view of the water, and the city
>as we walk further in, the slight rocking of the boat gives an odd feeling
>”Ellior. No drinking.”
>”Aw, Alright.”
>Loreli looks at Lightskin, who’s fiddling with his fanny pack
>”You neither.”
>he sighs and nods his head
>Ding climbs up onto my shoulder, and takes a deep breath of the smoky air
>lets out a long sigh and slumps against my neck, chattering slowly
>”Alright gang, let’s split up and look for clues. Loreli, Ding and I will look around down here. Ellior, you take Lightskin upstairs and look around there.”
>Ellior salutes, grabbing Lightskin by the shoulder and dragging him to the stairs, making him drop an inhaler he was fiddling with
>I’m sure he’ll be fine

>Loreli punches me in the arm
>”We should check at the bar, maybe the keep saw him.”
>well
>you wouldn’t forget seeing Reginald
>a robot with a liking for fashionable clothes and a flair for the dramatic
>”You just want some booze.”
>she stutters, her fake accent breaking for a moment
>”N-no. I just think it’s a good place to start.”
>as we approach the bar, I see a sign on the wall near the rack of booze
>it’s one of those “No X” signs, but with a drawing of a skeleton in it
>there’s another with some anthropomorphic cat in it too
>I won’t even ask
>I can guess
>”Anon let me try something I saw in the movies.”
>are you serious
>”Go on.”
>she takes a deep breath, and clears her throat
>she tilts her hat and struts up to the bar, bending forward and leaning on it
>I wanna see that again
>for um
>science?
>she flicks her hat and addresses the barkeep, who I now see is an old harpy
>”Howdy.”
>fucking howdy
>Ding bursts into laughter on my shoulder, hugging some casing she dug out of my pocket

8/13/19


>Loreli peeks back as I suppress a laugh, turning it into a cough
>give her a “You’re doing great babe” thumbs up
>she orders a shot of whiskey, and knocks it back
>”I’m lookin’ fer a friend’a’mine.”
>oh no she’s getting deep in the drawl
>”Yeah?” the barkeep squawks out
>”Yessir, he’s a mighty eccentric contraption, calls ‘imself… Reginald.”
>the barkeep stops cleaning his glass
>”I may know me a Reginald.”
>he sets the glass down and reaches up, brushing his brightly colored plumage back
>Loreli looks over her shoulder, and waves a finger at me and Ding, calling us over
>I settle at the bar next to her, trying to look cool but probably looking like an autist
>trying to keep my spaghetti in my pocket

>the Harpy raises a hand… wing… thing to stop us
>the bar grows silent as he walks out into the open floor
>look down and see he has a peg leg
>”Me matey Reginald told me someone would come looking for’im…”
>oh cool
>”Either they be a legendary mercenary… or..”
>wait fuck wait
>”An assassin!”
>with that, he squawks, flapping his wings and rising into the air
>the ceiling is high here, with railings on the other floors
>”I will test ye! If you can block this, I will know ye are who Reginald told me about! Prepare yourself!”
>why does this shit always happen
>the old Harpy swings his leg, the peg flying off to reveal a long, glimmering blade hidden inside
>with a squawk, he flips, going into a dive right at me
>in the last few moments, things seem to slow down as he extends the blade to point it at my head

>screech like a little schoolgirl who woke up on Epstein’s plane
>reflexively close my eyes and swing a hard punch with my offhand
>as I’m trying not to shit my pants, 2 things happen
>my fist connects with something
>and something whistles past my ear
>”SQUAWK!”
>there’s a loud crash 
>something warm rubs down my neck, and people all around gasp
>the bar is silent as I open my eyes
>the Harpy is sprawled back against a collapsed table, dazed and coughing 
>I reach up and touch the warmth on my neck, finding blood on my fingers
>what just happened
>people are staring at me like I just did something amazing
>at that moment someone shouts
>”BAR FIGHT!”
>the Minotaur bursts through the doors, and looks around as the bar erupts into chaos 

>he looks at the Harpy
>he looks at me
>I look at him
>Ding looks at me
>I look at her
>I look up and see a Minotaur charging me
>maybe the lucky punch thing will work
>as I swing, a voice in the back of my head screams 
>”USE YOUR GUN”
>THIS IS A MANLY BAR FIGHT 
>WHY WOULD I USE MY GU—
>the Minotaur takes my punch to the head
>he doesn’t even slow down
>next thing I know I’ve been buckled up into the air
>I hit the edge of the second floor, just below the railing
>I hold on for dear life 
>”Hey Anon, need some help?”
>look up 
>Ellior and Lightskin are looking down at me
>act cool Anon
>you’re the legendary mercena—
>the Minotaur grabs my ankle, ending my thoughts
>oh fuck

>the minotaur yanks me down, and grabs me by both ankles as I hit the floor
>the stars aren’t even out of my eyes as I’m yanked off the floor
>OH GOD
>the minotaur is spinning
>I’m going to hurl
>I fly through the air, and slide across the bar
>hit the floor on the other side with an oof
>stumble upwards, grabbing at the bar to keep my balance
>my hand brushes something metal under the bar
>aha!
>a shotgun!
>as the minotaur stomps towards me, I pop up from behind the bar
>point the shotgun at his chest as he stands feet away
>he pauses
>reaches up
>and bends the barrel back so I’m looking down it
>BAMBOOZLED AGAIN

>the Minotaur takes a swing at me, over the bar
>I duck and drop the shotgun
>as his arm swings over my head, I hear Loreli
>”DON’T WORRY ANON I GOTTEM!”
>she jumps on his back
>”WHOOOOHOOO!”
>she holds onto his horn with one hand, the other waving her hat around
>he tries to buck her off, but the legs around his waist are too powerful
>trust me bud, you can’t pry those off.
>the fighting around us has gotten insane
>though
>this still has nothing on dwarven barfights back in Neumagh 
>RIP Saw-Ass

>stagger
>look over at the bar
>some weird blue liquor is in a shot glass
>somehow fully intact
>I reach over and grab it
>knock it back
>WHOA MAMA
>shake my head and lunge over the bar
>charge the still-thrashing Minotaur 
>judging from the lump in his pants he either really likes fighting or Lorelei’s legs feel nice
>if he’s anything like me it’s a mix of the two
>as I’m charging him, some drunk asshole swings a chair at me
>he slips and eats shit
>the fighting stops for like 3 seconds as he literally falls in a plate of spaghetti 
>for another ten seconds everyone just laughs
>then a switch is flipped and the melee is on again

>I take my gaze off the crying man on the floor 
>can see Ding sitting on top of the Minotaur’s head, hitting him with a stick or something
>good job Ding
>Loreli has produced a rope from god knows where
>as I raise my fists to get in on this, a shot rings out
>the Harpy is standing in the bar, a revolver in hand
>”Alright fuckers! That’s enough! Now everyone out!”
>he points at Loreli, Ding and I
>”Not you. We have business.”
>Loreli hops off the Minotaur’s back, and he gives her a nod
>I remember Ellior talking about Minotaur warrior culture a whole back
>so there shouldn’t be any issues right
>he looks at me
>mouths “rematch. soon.”
>as I sit at the bar, rubbing my already healing bruises, the Harpy calls out 
>”Brutis! Get the boys to clean this up!”
>Brutis, the Minotaur, nods and walks to the wall
>notice a few very small doors near the floor
>Brutis taps one with his foot a few times
>they open and a bunch of fucking gnomes charge out, dressed like pirates

>”GNALRIGHT GNLADS! GNLETS GET THIS BOAT SHIP SHAPE!”
>the crowd of tiny pirate gnomes shout out several “Gnowo”s and “wooohoohoo”s
>they start singing and produce tiny vacuum cleaners from their little duffel bags
>Ellior and Lightskin come downstairs 
>Lightskin immediately steps on a gnome, who squeaks like a dog toy
>”Aww Mister Anon! Why’d you stop? I had forty on you winning!”
>they were betting
>dammit Ellior you
>rhodaboo
>elf
>loli
>thing
>before I can ask Ellior who bet on me losing, the Harpy coughs
>”I haven’t taken a fucking walloping like that in 36 years. You tough bastard. You are the first one to survive my legendary “slicing dive”! Motherfucker!”
>he holds up a mirror, to show all I got was a cut across the ear
>hey Ellior 
>I’m stealing your look

>”So, pardner… have ya seen our friend?”
>Loreli is picking up exactly where she left off
>well woman if he hadn’t seen Reginald he wouldn’t have slice dived me then huh
>then again this fucking feather nigger does look a few feathers short a pillow
>”Aye, I ‘ave lassie.”
>Jesus another fake accent
>behind us, a tiny vacuum explodes, blowing the arms off the gnome using it
>nothing of value was lost
>”Aaargh he be in the back room with me lizard wizard.”
>lizard wizard
>what 
>Ding flits down from my shoulder, landing in front of the Harpy
>she starts doing her sphagetti-O hand waves and chitters faster than usual
>the Harpy nods, producing a damn LEGO cup
>he fills it with vodka using a pipette
>Ding points at me, and says what I can only guess means “It’ll be on my man servant’s tab.”
>well bippity boopity right back’atcha

8/20/19

>”Cap’n” led us down below deck, where the living quarters and storage area resides
>they have full cannons down here
>some modern shit too
>damn .50 caliber rifles and a partially dismantled AA gun
>have to grab Ding by the bottom of her jumpsuit as she cries out in joy, flying at the AA gun
>all I got from that is the jumpsuit and a naked fairy dry humping a US Navy AA gun
>nothing I haven’t already seen
>Cap’n waves a wing around at his hoard lovingly 
>”My damn fucking collection is growing! Someday I will have a loot haul to rival those cunt dragons!”
>good for you pal
>like the enthusiasm 
>I can hear Brutis stomping around up top
>followed by the death squeak of a trampled gnome, and the scampering of the others to get a taste of the remains
>circle of life
>we approach a large door, and Cap’n knocks on it
>”Who issssss it?”
>”Lemme in fucker! Reginald’s friends are here!”
>”AHA!” Reginald calls out, no doubt swinging his cane
>there is a crash
>”YOU DAMN MACSSSHHIIINE!”
>should we come back later

>”Come on iiiiin.”
>I reach out, and open the door
>the room is larger than I expected, with small portholes showing a view just above the waterline
>candles and floating orbs of fire light the room, releasing no smoke
>all around are bookshelves and display cases full of leather bound tomes and strange items
>near the far wall, Reginald sits at a chessboard, rubbing his chin
>curled around the chair opposite is was a winged snake, about seven feet long, and covered in shimmering teal scales
>it unfurls it’s wings, showing off brightly colored plumage that set Cap’n bright wings to shame
>as it swoops close, I can see many pieces of gold jewelry adorning the serpent, complete with an ornate headdress 
>curling around a statue near me, the snake leans in close, vibrant orange eyes meeting mine
>”I am Arussssssaa… the serpent that knows much.”
>her tone was soft, almost like a song
>her forked tongue flicks out a few times, near my neck and face
>”Hmm… an odd ssscent indeed…”
>Lightskin lets out an uncomfortable cough, and hides his face with his hands
>oh right
>he’s terrified of snakes
>Ellior on the other hand leaned in for a closer look, Loreli putting a hand on her shoulder
>Arusa regards them, then sweeps a wing at us
>”Come iiiiin… the tea issss nearly ready.”

>siiiiip
>look down at my tea
>”This is some serious gourmet shit.”
>around me, my team hums in agreement
>Reginald puts down the teapot
>”Thank you.”
>Ellior coughs, and waves a hand
>”Wait! You’re a robot! Can you even drink tea?”
>Reginald freezes, and I can hear the gears turning in his head
>”I… my entire life is a lie…”
>as he begins to reboot, Arusa coils around the old obsidian statue, resting at eye level with us
>”Ssssoooo… who here is curssssssed?”
>Loreli pushes me forward, almost making me spill my tea
>”Watch it…”
>”Quiet. Go get cured so you stop bleedin’ on our bedsheets.”
>”Oh so you’re the only one allowed to do that?”
>Lightskin spits out his tea
>”I-is Loreli cursed too!?”
>yes
>but hers is incurable
>Arusa leans in close, staring at me
>”Yesssss… I tasssted that.”
>she lets out a low chuckle
>”And other things.”
>what does that even mean
>what do you taste
>gunpowder and meat snacks
>that’s it
>”Luckily, I know of the Golden Priestesssss…”
>”Really?”
>”Yesss.”
>she waves a wing, several glyphs appearing in the air around it
>moments later, a really old book slides out of a shelf, and floats over to me
>I set my tea down on a pillar, next to an ominous looking vase
>Ding immediately throws off her jumpsuit and climbs in, sighing as she reclines in my tea
>I was gonna finish that
>I still will.
>I carefully take the book out of the air, feeling a slight pull like a magnet holding it
>it’s some kind of old journal
>I can’t even understand the symbols it is written in
>there are some weird drawings of ships and sea creatures
>one of them looks like the tendrilmen we fought
>”Fascinating… I don’t know what it says.”
>Arusa looks at Reginald
>”Give him the thing.”
>”What thing?”
>”The thing the fairiessss gave you.”
>“Oh, that thing.”

8/27/19

>Reginald reaches up, plucking his monocle from his face
>he tosses it to me, and I fumble it
>”Aye old chap, fairies made that! Give it a wear!”
>there’s no nose clip or anything
>not even a chain
>just a ring that feels like it’s made up of a million little metal threads 
>the glass lense seems to pulse and ripple
>hold it up to my eye and let go
>it stays floating in front of my face
>”What does this doohickey do?”
>”Look into my eyesssss…”
>okay
>kinda hypnotic 
>Arusa begins to hiss in a strange language
>under her face, words seem to float in the air
>”Thissss isss the ancient language of dragonsss… only sspoken by sserpentsss... yet usssing this relic, you can understand me…”
>my god
>this is
>this is
>real life anime subtitles
>can’t let /a/ know about this
>I can’t deal with Naruto running assassins trying to rob me

>turn to my group
>”Loreli, do that thing where you say things in elvish because I can’t understand you.”
>”What?”
>”You know what I’m talking about.”
>she smiles, and begins talking a mile a minute in her discount Finnish 
>”You need to hold my hand more you smelly perverted human!”
>Ellior giggles
>how lewd
>I’m not smelly am I 
>wait I didn’t shower after my coma
>oh man I have coma stank
>”This is great!”
>I pause and look over at Ding
>I’ve never been able to understand her
>she looks at me, and smiles
>she chatters
>and all I see is “???”
>what the fuck
>take off the monocle
>Reginald sees my confused look
>”Ahhh… the fairies created 12 of those to facilitate communication and promote peace between early, hostile kingdoms. Though they cannot translate fairy speak…”
>he rubs his chin
>”They may find it humorous…”
>typical

8/29/19

>we all went back up to the bar
>because snakes don’t tend to keep a lot of chairs in their lairs
>crazy, right?
>give Lightskin the book and the monocle
>”You’re the party scholar, try and find something useful.”
>he excitedly got to work, keen on reading a new book
>as he sat at a table, oohing and ahhing at the tome, the rest of us talked to the feathery folk
>”So then, as the fucking kraken grabbed my ship, I yelled “Get fucked!” and fired a cannon through it’s slimy face!”
>Ellior is enraptured by the seaman’s tale
>”So, how’d you meet Brutis?” Loreli asks, pointing at the Minotaur crouched behind the bar
>”Ahhh, technically, he be my slave, but he’s more like a servant without pay!”
>what not
>”Slave?” I ask warily
>”Argh, relax, it’s only a Harpy custom. He be like a son to me.”
>oh um
>okay
>I jump as Arusa lands on my shoulder, coiling around my upper arm
>”Ssssorry to sstartle you. You jussst sseemed like a good perch.”
>Ding, laying near comatose in my glass of liquor, starts chattering at the snake taking up her spot on my shoulder
>she drunkenly makes the pasta hand waves until I hand her a .308 from my pocket
>she giggles and hugs it, peppering the casing with kisses

>the snake on my shoulder lets out a low hiss, and I turn to look at her
>”I have been thinking about your problem. Come with me.”
>I take a last sip of my drink, Ding giggling 
>I hand the glass to Loreli, Ellior nearly snatching it
>”I’ll be back.”
>a little bit later, I close the heavy door behind us
>Arusa flies over to her favorite statue, coiling around it
>the small balls of fire flare, and the room warms, to the point where I have to hang my coat on a statue
>she has some kind of incense burning, making the entire room feel akin to some tropical temple
>”Asss I sssaid. I may have a sssolution.”
>I sit, and wave a hand for her to go on
>”It will not rid yourssself of the cursssed ssssword… but it will heal your wound.”
>”Arusa, I was told the wound cannot heal until the sword is destroyed.”
>her lips curl up into a smile, the firelight reflecting in her eyes
>”Trussst me.”

>now I know what you’re thinking
>never trust a snake
>well this one has pretty feathers
>”Alright. I’ll try anything.”
>she waves the tip of her tail, covered in more feathers
>looks fluffy as fuck
>”Do you see that flower, on the shelf behind you?”
>I turn
>”This shelf?”
>No. The other one.”
>yeah no flowers here just weird fossils
>a really old looking human skull
>”Hey what’s this?” I say, picking up a weird key
>”That’sss the Key to Nongu…”
>”Would it help me?”
>”Maybe, you would need to go on a quest to meet a magic cyclopsss, and fight giant sspidersss.”
>no I’m already on one quest
>”Ah, okay. Which shelf?”
>”The mahogany one.”
>oh hey
>here it is
>in a glass case stands a glowing blue flower
>around the metal base are odd runes, glowing a low, pulsing purple
>looking into the case, I can see the bottom of the flower planted in some black, volcanic soil
>this thing is damn beautiful
>I pick it up, and odd tingle going down my fingers
>”Ahh… that’sss it.”

>I set the thing down on a table near her, and she regards it lovingly
>”Thiss bringsss back memoriesss…”
>she chuckles
>”An isssolated land where fuzzy angelss float on thermal windsss…”
>sounds neat
>”So, is there some catch to all this? That flower seems pretty valuable to you…”
>wait
>no
>shit
>did I just suggest paying for this
>I’m nearly broke!
>”Now that you mention it…”
>DAMMIT ANON YOU RETARD
>”I will asssk for a favor. It may not be now, it may not be tomorrow, but Arusssa will asssk for a favor.”
>oh okay
>I already owe a few favors at this point
>why not a few more
>”Alssso I want to add a gun to my collection.”
>of course

>”So, what do we do now?”
>”Remove your sshirt... and hold ssstill…” she hisses, narrowing her eyes
>mom
>come pick me up
>I’m scared
>after I pull off my shirt, I remember something
>”One sec, I’ll be right back.”
>I pop back upstairs to find Loreli having a drinking competition with the minotaur
>Cap’n is up on a table, taking poses and dramatically regaling Ellior and Ding with his tales of adventure
>”Hey guys, if you hear me screaming or crying, I’m alright, just in a lot of pain.”
>they give me the biggest “what the fuck” look I’ve gotten
>”Why… why are you shirtless?”
>I shrug
>”Something to do with the ritual or some shit.”
>Loreli nods “Okay, don’t die. I mean it.”
>Lightskin looks up from the book
>”Who’s dying?!”
>Ellior waves a hand at him
>”Psst. Anon’s not going to die! He’s immortal!”
>who the fuck said I’m immortal
>Ding chatters from the bottom of a glass
>”Oh right, I guess Immortality and Invulnerability are different…”
>fuck no
>go back downstairs
>I’m not getting involved in a semantics debate 
>I’m getting healed dammit
>might just abandon this place 
>don’t need to stay here if I’m healed
>no sir

>I close the door behind me, and reach up to wipe my brow
>”Are you ready?”
>I turn back to the snake, and wave
>”Yep. What now?”
>”Come closer…”
>I do so
>warily
>”I need you to put the flower in that obssidian bowl, along with a few other ingredientsss.”
>a few minutes later, I had the glowing flower sitting atop a pile of assorted herbs
>damn this bowl is nice
>don’t think she’ll sell it though
>”So why couldn’t you do this?”
>”No handssss…”
>oh yeah
>there’s a weird sound on the outside of the ship
>scuttling or something
>maybe it’s just the gnomes
>they eat barnacles right
>right
>that’s when I feel a jerk, and the boat starts swaying
>Arusa hisses, and grabs the bowl with her tail as it starts to tip
>”We’re moving? Is cap’n supposed to go out on the water?”
>”No.”
>fuck
>fuck shit
>not now
>why now
>I’m so close
>up on deck, I hear shouting
>then gunshots
>as I grab at my gunbelt, I suddenly feel woozy
>like someone is squeezing my head
>the pain in my shoulder throbs

9/2/19

>”Whatsss wrong?” Arusa asks as I double over, holding my head
>I shake my head, and smack myself a little
>”I’m fine. I have to get up on deck.”
>I steal a glance at my shoulder, and find my bandages turning a deep crimson
>”I’ll be back. Try to get everything ready, I may need some extra healing.”
>”Fine. I will sssstay here, defend my collecsssstion.”
>oh
>okay
>dammit I left my rifle upstairs
>BANG BANG BANG BANG
>oh hey that’s it
>I burst onto the main deck, and it’s chaos
>about like that bar fight but with guns 
>the first thing I see when I get in there is Brutis throwing one of those cloaked tentacle fucks onto the floor hard enough to shake the deck
>he brings a huge hoof down, crushing the head like an overripe melon, black goo splattering onto the floor
>he looks up at me
>takes a drink from a bottle of vodka
>”Welcome to the party pal.”

>Loreli and Ellior are behind some overturned tables, firing at the creatures
>don’t know where Cap’n and lightskin are
>though I can hear 2 highpoints firing somewhere 
>to my right, a crablike fucker lunges at me
>I turn and fire both barrels into it’s hardshelled chest
>it stumbles back, a jagged hole in the center of its abdomen plate
>with a scream, it charges me, a large pair of claws snapping
>fuck this
>”GET’IM G’BOYS!”
>a full swarm of little pirate G’nomes fall from the rafters, screeching
>they swarm over the crabman, crawling into the hole in his shell
>the thing screams and falls to the floor, spasming as it’s eaten from the inside
>d-do I
>do I finish it?
>”METALFIST GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!”
>Brutis shoves his bottle of vodka in my hand
>”GET A DRINK AND LET’S FIGHT TOGETHER LIKE MEN!”
>um 
>’kay
>take a drink from the bottle and cough
>I’m already bleeding and half naked so why not
>pour some vodka on my bandages
>OUCH
>TIME TO PARTY
>hand Brutis the bottle and reload
>somewhere else on the boat, I hear Reginald
>”AHA!”
>BABOOOM
>god who let him keep his blunderbuss

>another hooded, writing thing smashes through a window behind me, and swings a corroded sword at me
>yelp and block with my arm, firing my shotgun at it
>it lets out a squeak as it’s head explodes, the ragged stup splattering me with more goo
>EW
>NO
>NOW I STINK
>I gag, and try to wipe the goo out of my eyes
>god it smells like a gas station bathroom
>grab the bottle back from Brutis and drench myself further
>at least I’m clean now
>I turn and immediately get slapped with a tendril
>the thing grabs me and slams me against the wall, pinning my gun hand above me
>it screams, tentacles flailing in my face
>now I know how japanese schoolgirls feel
>scream back and headbutt it
>Brutis grabs it off of me and performs a perfect backbreaker, before tossing the now crippled thing to the g’nomes
>thanks bro
>look around
>was that it
>just as Loreli calls over to me, another hooded… tentacle… thing
>okay they need a name
>another fucker runs in, screeching and swinging a dagger in each hand
>it stops, looking around
>Loreli, Ellior and I open fire, turning it into a pile of shredded calamari
>Brutis poses next to me
>”YEAH!”
>pose with him
>vomit from blood loss

>the boat slowly sways, and Loreli shakes my shoulder
>”Anon. Wake up. We’re here.”
>grumble
>”Five more minutes.”
>Ding, laying on top of my head, drowsily chitters her agreement 
>”Anon.”
>”No.”
>I can hear Loreli sigh
>next thing I know my hammock is flipped
>jokes on you this wood floor is comfortable
>”I’ll just have Ellior wake you up.”
>no anything but that
>I don’t want to be tickled 
>not after last time
>”Alright. I’m up.”
>I roll over, and rub my shoulders, wincing at a slight ache in a newer, black scar
>”Where are my pants?”
>”I don’t know. Ask Ding.”
>”Ding, where are my pants?”
>the fairy looks me up and down, and just shrugs at me
>I see you smirking you little firefly
>pull on a spare pair of jeans I had in my pack
>spill .308 all over the floor
>why does it look so shiny

9/6/19

>okay I’m all packed up
>backpack
>check
>gunbelt
>check
>Ding
>check
>shotgun… annihilator…
>double check
>FAL…
>wait
>where is it
>”Babe, have you seen my rifle?”
>Ding shakes her head
>I was talking to Loreli
>”I let her take it with her to her room, she says she likes sleepin’ with it.”
>uh
>alright
>damn loli taking my guns
>”hey beau, can you tell’er we’re gettin’ into port?”
>”Eh, sure.”
>she grabs Ding as she goes past
>”You’re helping me clean up this ammo.”
>Ding chatters, and looks at me with the “take me with you” eyes
>”Show her how to properly organize ammo.”
>wink at Loreli
>walk down the hall to Ellior’s room
>knock knock knock
>hear the creaking of a hammock, a yawn, and someone shuffling to the door

>”Who is it?” A drowsy little elf says on the other side of the door
>”Your favorite legendary hero!” I say, puffing out my chest in a heroic pose
>”Shovel?”
>what
>the lock clicks, and the door creaks open
>she’s standing there in one of Loreli’s spare gowns, cradling my rifle
>she yawns, and smiles
>”Good morning Anon!”
>”Hey kiddo, we’re coming into port soon. Get all ready.”
>”Okay! I’ll get dressed!” 
>she starts to close the door
>put my hand up
>motion for her to hand me my rifle
>she sighs, and hands it over
>thought she could pull a sneaky on me

>decide to head up top to wait for them
>I pass the g’nomes, busy setting up the bar for another port opening
>they’re singing a weird shanty in an odd language
>sounds like a cross between gnomish and scandanavian 
>I better not have that stuck in my head all day
>”Aarrgh! Anon!”
>above me, I hear flapping, and Cap’n swoops down from the crows nest
>or parrots nest
>he lands in front of me
>”Isn’t the sea the most beautiful thing yer eyes have seen?”
>look out at the waters surrounding us
>we had to take winding, crazy routes long rivers, and long voyages through stormy seas
>but here we are, sailing along waters that put the carribean to shame
>”It is pretty incredible. Where I’m from, I would have had to pay a year’s wages to go somewhere like this…”
>”Haha! I’d say helping us fight off those pirates near the screaming reef earned most of yer voyage!”
>take a pouch out of my pocket, coins rattling inside 
>”Here, for your trouble.”
>he takes it without hesitation 
>harpies
>”So, where is this port? I don’t see it anywhere.”
>he flicks out a spyglass, and hands it to me
>”Look upon the yonder crags. The black gap.”
>I scan the jagged cliffs lining the coasts, and see a large coastal cave 
>”Gjunnar’s Wharf. Smugglin’ post run by me old privateer friends. Dark Elves, damn’d good seamen.”
>haven’t met any dark elves yet 
>this’ll be neat

9/14/19

>we carefully maneuver the ship into the cove
>this place is fucking cool
>glowing crystals grow in the roof of the cave, giving off a white-blue glow
>we pull into a dock next to several other ships, and Cap’n opens up shop
>”See you later, folks.” Brutis says as we pass him
>Ellior turns back and waves
>I’ll miss that guy
>the nights where we drank coconut rum and punched each other in the face were fun
>the entire “town” down here is made up of boardwalks on stilts, built into the cave walls
>I better not get fucking mugged
>”Now folks, we best get to buyin’ supplies for the road, it’ll be a rough ol’ trip.”
>Loreli looks at Ding
>”No ammo we don’t need. No exotic jerky. We’re low on cash.”
>Ding give an innocent shrug, chattering, before ducking back into my pocket
>I guess I’m in charge of the money then
>fuck me
>we only have like 
>what’s the exchange rates…
>we’re pretty much fucking broke
>guess I’ll have to use the tried and true adventurer’s method
>check the area for quests

>we’ll start at the tavern
>as we’re about to go up the stairs leading up to the platform, some pajeet goes flying out the doors
>soars over my party’s heads
>so close I can smell the curry on him
>he has two giant hand shaped marks on his bare chest
>”UWAAAHHHHH”
>splashes into the cove
>I like this place already
>some zangief looking mexican runs out and looks down the stairs
>why is his beanie so big
>doomer Zangief has an indian woman on each arm
>what the fuck happened here
>he gives me a nod as he passes
>okay
>we just stand there for a minute, confused
>”What just happened?” Ellior asks
>”That ain’t exactly the weirdest thing we’ve seen.”
>look at Loreli, then close my mouth
>yeah, she’s right
>so now we go up the stairs, careful of flying indians
>as we walk in, the first thing we hear is accordion music
>the air smells of rum and wine
>it’s like we’re back on Cap’ns boat
>at least I have a damn discount there

>we approach the bar, I turn my head to the fairy in my pocket
>”Go ask around for work? Use the fairy charm.”
>Ding salutes me, winks, and zips away
>we’ll probably just find her lounging in a cup of ale later
>lean against the bar and look up
>JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS THAT
>there’s a fucking octopus behind the bar, cleaning a glass with a tentacle
>it makes a weird gurgling noise at me
>no worries I’ll just
>pat my pockets
>where is it
>oh I forgot the get the fairy translation thing back from Lightskin
>I think
>where did I leave it
>more bubbling and gurgling
>”Um… work?”
>gurgle bubble slurp
>look at Loreli
>she shrugs
>Ellior sort of hides behind her, eyes transfixed on the squirming tentacles
>chill kid you’re not a rice monkey
>your butthole is safe

>the octopus gurgles, and points a tentacle behind us
>turning around, we see a section of the wall coated with papers
>oh hey cool
>place a coin on the bar as a sign of thanks
>as we walk over to the wall, Ellior points over at a table
>Ding is standing on the table with a few other fairies, laughing and chattering
>she waves at us, and points over, chattering excitedly at her new friends
>awkwardly wave, and turn to the job listings
>there’s the usual
>caravan guard
>debt collector
>pest control
>there’s a recruitment poster for something called “Sparkling Brass PMC”
>I swear I’ve heard of these guys
>Ellior tugs my sleeve, and points at a small scrap of paper taped near the very bottom of the board
>it’s badly drawn, like a child did it
>”Looking for big strong fren. Need help win war. Many monies.”
>the only contact information is a poorly drawn map

>we follow the map about 20 minutes away form the cove
>the elevator up and out was pretty neat
>it kinda looks like scotland up here
>just less 
>scotsmen
>so it’s pretty nice out here
>refreshing even
>”Hey! You! You frens?”
>turn around 
>oh hey we’re surrounded
>each of them are like 2 or 3 feet tall
>kinda like the lizard men but small and kinda cute
>each one holds either a little spear or what looks like a Ruger 10/22
>oh hey .22lr
>Ding’s favorite
>”Um… yeeeeees?”
>”Oh! Okay! You want to meet chief?”
>look at Loreli
>”Look at the little things, they ain’t any kind of real threat.”
>well
>I guess if she says so
>I suppose she may have forgotten about the demon lizard death orgy we shattered with a confederate child army not so long ago
>I forget about little things like that too

>we follow the little shits back to their camp
>they have a huge pig roasting over a fire
>it’s absolutely riddled with bullet holes
>have to grab Ding to keep her away from their food
>every Kobold we see cheer and wave at us
>”Saviors!”
>”Frens!”
>what is going on
>some Kobold in a mishmash of military gear and colorful rags walks up to us
>”Henlo! You saw my want ad?”
>”Uh, yeah?”
>”Good good! Come with me!”
>look at Loreli again
>”So this doesn’t seem suspicious at all?”
>”No, this is actually the kind of goofy job I expect humans to take on.”
>hey
>”Just because that’s correct doesn’t make you right.”
>she elbows Ellior
>”Exactly what a human would say. Where would he be without us?”
>they both do a smug elf laugh
>it’s like a rich white person laugh but with more ear wiggling
>these fucking knife ears are messing with me
>we follow the little lizard man to a tent filled with maps
>”THIS WAR ROOM!”

>fucking dwarves make a better war room
>they don’t even have a big book to write all their grudges in
>there isn’t even a pedestal for the ceremonial beard brush of war
>what savages 
>I miss Neumagh Keep
>I really should visit sometime
>”Me Commander Gus! The many divorced!”
>he picks up a stick with a finger carved into the tip
>smacks it against a map hanging nearby, poking a hole through it
>”This Kobold camp!”
>pokes another hole
>”This Not-Kobold camp!”
>Ellior coughs
>”Yes?”
>”Your map is upside down.”
>he angrily turns to a kobold standing in the shadows
>”Map-Master Ted! You failed me for last event!”
>Ted drops to his knees and starts begging
>”Please! Have family! Will suck suck!”
>”Suck later! Guards! Take him to alone time barrel!”
>”NOT THE BARREL!” Ted screams as he’s dragged away

>so basically, we are being hired to take the Kobold’s home back from a tribe of goblins
>well
>I basically say “Hey come on, I’ll take a few of you and do this myself!”
>the kobolds started cheering
>and so that’s when Ding and I led a group of 12 kobold warriors to slaughter the goblins
>and well
>um
>now I’m here
>hanging upside down by my feet
>in a cave
>with a bag on my head
>beaten to hell
>I hope Ding got away
>”But Anon! How did some goblins beat you?!” 
>the thing is
>Gus was a little bit retarded
>he neglected to mention the goblins have been growing their numbers for like a month
>so instead of like 10 there was nearly 80
>oops

>I tense up as I hear something enter the room
>”Take bag off head. Me see face.”
>oh god more broken english
>why does it sound swedish
>the bag is yanked off my head, and I am face to face with a tall goblin wearing a bath robe
>there’s a damn burger king crown on his head
>huge Ray Bans
>”I am Goblin King! Yes! Me know who you is!”
>he points at my prosthetic
>”Me hear stories! You give prestige! Grow me power!”
>what
>am I a hostage
>or a slave
>maybe I’m a trophy
>”You good trophy!”
>yeah, I’m a trophy
>”What’s stopping me from getting out of here?”
>Goblin King snaps his fingers
>he gets handed a staff with a large mason jar on the end
>Ding waves at me from inside
>oh
>that’ll do it
>”Damn you.”
>”No. You.”
>shit he got me
>”Fine. Just don’t hurt her.”
>”Ha! Me knew you would protect wife!”
>wait 
>what
>”She’s not my wife?”
>he holds the jar up to his ear
>Ding chatters at him
>”She says she is wife.”
>dammit Ding be possessive and overly affectionate later

10/7/19

>Goblin King leaves, and the heavy stone door closes behind him
>at least they didn’t put the bag back on me
>”I never thought he’d shut up.”
>oh shit
>sort of swing myself around to look behind me
>sitting in the dark corner of the cell is someone wrapped in rags
>”Who are you?”
>they stay still, but still let out a dry laugh “That isn’t important.”
>motherfucker I asked you a question
>don’t be rude
>”These goblins are more organized than, well, goblins.”
>the figure stays still
>can’t even hear it breathing
>”Yes. It is troubling, isn’t it?”
>the shadows around the figure seem to darken as they flick their hand towards me, a metal object bouncing across the stone floor
>it lands under me
>a fucking key
>oh hey cool
>”Hey, wanna get out of here?”
>more silence
>”Are you trying to be creepy, or are you just like this?”
>doesn’t answer
>fine then
>be like that

>reach down with my tied hands, and fumble with the key
>try to find a lock on the ropes
>realize I’m a dumbass
>okay
>curl my body upwards, and fiddle with the shackles around my ankles
>fuck my stomach hurts
>I should take up Loreli’s sit-up routine
>with a click, I drop hard to the stone floor
>ow fuck
>look over at rag guy, still sitting in his corner all creepy and unmoving
>give him a thumbs up
>he gives me one
>manage to get out of the rope around my wrist
>”BUT NEUMAGH HOW DID YOU DO THAT? ARE YOU THE HOUDINI?”
>no dumbass I just took my hand off
>it was pretty easy
>”Hey buddy, seriously, we can escape. You can join my crew, and probably die somewhere else for dramatic impact.”
>he doesn’t move
>go over and shake his shoulder
>what the fuck
>it’s just a pile of bed sheets
>a bunch of weird sticky spots
>ewwwwww
>wait
>what

10/9/19

>go over to the door
>try the key
>no dice
>yeah that’d be retarded
>okay so
>I’m in a weird prison cell
>it’s times like this where I ask myself
>what would a dwarf do
>think back to my time in Neumagh
>oh right
>one time I was drinking with someone called keyfinger
>Neumagh’s top locksmith and escape artist
>also chiropractor
>”AHHH LADDEH WHEN IN A ROOM JUST BREAK THROUGH THE FOOKIN WALL!”
>okay so
>Metal Gear logic
>just gotta find a weak point in the wall
>good thing this is also something I learned from the dwarves
>ahhhh here we go
>now that is a weak point
>rear back and punch it with my prosthetic hand
>crack
>okay this might take a minute
>I’ll just rest next to this air vent where it’s nice and cool
>wait
>oh
>hey
>an air vent
>why the fuck is this here
>this is a real shitty jail cell

10/20/19
>get the vent cover off
>okay
>first step of my strategic escape plan
>find my gear
>I like my gear
>especially my jacket
>it helps me show superiority over lesser dressed individuals at social gatherings 
>also the whole
>enchantment
>thing 
>climb into the air duct
>it’s not too big
>not too small either
>so this is what a TV dinner feels like
>a TV dinner that’s been stuffed into a air vent 
>yippee ki-yay?
>reach an intersection
>think back to my times working the mines in Neumagh for rent money
>”AHAHHAA REMEMBER LADDEH ITS ILLEGAL TO LICK PICKAXES IN SOME HOLDS!”
>I don’t think that wisdom will help too much
>lick my finger and hold it up
>aha
>the air is flowing in this direction

>I’m fucking lost
>there’s no light in these air ducts
>the only light I do get comes through vent covers
>I have learned something though
>the Goblin King is breeding a fucking army
>unless I’ve passed the same smelly breeding room 5 times, it’s massive  
>there must be hundreds down here
>I thought this would be an easy extermination job dammit
>kill like 30 gobbos 
>get paid
>go home
>but no
>I always get involved in this bullshit

11/3/19

>kick out a vent cover and fall into a room
>some kind of supply closet
>or like
>the kobold equivalent I guess
>find a knife in a dusty crate
>the edge is dull and it looks like it’s used for carving
>fuckin perfect
>has some good old rust on it
>even if I get my genitals ripped off by a goblin 
>I’ll give that fucker tetanus in the long term
>take that dickeater
>hear someone fiddling with the door
>fuck shit damn
>where can I hide
>grab a bucket off a shelf and put it over my head
>stand up straight
>stay absolutely still as a goblin enters

>”What that noise?”
>he sniffs around 
>”Me smell something. Someone in room?”
>”No.”
>why the fuck did I answer
>what is wrong with me
>life flashes before my eyes
>I’ll never see my family again
>I’ll never dig pit traps with Shovel
>I’ll never drink Kalcium’s milk again
>”Okay!”
>the goblin closes the fucking door and leaves
>can hear him humming as he walks down the passageway outside
>what just happened 

>sneak back up into the vents
>I am the vent dweller
>wait
>maybe if I close my eyes I can somehow mentally connect with Ding
>we are pretty connected
>close my eyes in this stinking hot fucking vent
>focus on Ding
>nope nothing
>why did I think that would work
>oh
>right
>I’m in some underground kobold fortress surrounded by a god damn army of god damn gobllns
>all I have is a prosthetic arm and a knife
>to say I am desperate is an understatement
>but at least I’m not on a fucking train

11/26/19

>okay 
>time to John McClane this shit
>in times like this I have to ask myself
>what would Bruce WIllis do
>as I was asking myself, and while realizing this is more like Paul Blart
>something happened
>up ahead, an odd green light flashes in a vent
>I drag myself forward, and glance through
>a goblin shaman is standing in a dark room with the Goblin King
>I don’t see the staff with him
>in front of them is a fucky looking altar
>bones, skulls, a big weird mirror
>candles
>I’m sure you can imagine
>the mirror and the candles are all flashing a weird, unnatural green
>god dammit more of this supernatural shit too
>”Make contact shaman.”
>”Yes King.”
>the shaman reaches out and yells a name
>”ORC KING!”
>the mirror begins to hum
>it starts making a noise like a dialup connection

>the mirror ripples like water and an angry green face appears
>”WHY FUCK YOU KEEP CALLING? IS THREE IN MORNING!”
>”Orc King! We invade city soon!”
>”WE HAVE SCHEDULE. I AM NOT ORC KING, I AM WARLORD DRAKKA!”
>wait
>invasion
>orc king
>shit
>it’s 3 in the morning
>that’s why I’m tired
>I hope Ellior got to bed on time
>wait this isn’t the time to be a dad
>so these guys are going to make some joint army and invade some city
>sounds familiar
>where have I heard of a giant orc-goblin army before
>wait I know
>The Hobbit
>well we don’t have any damn midgets around here aside from the angry green ones
>oh yeah it also reminds me of the seige of Neumagh Keep
>well shit this time I don’t have the rest of my old gang
>most of them are dead
>okay so new objective
>get more intel
>then get the fuck out of here with Ding and warn the city they’re aiming for
>maybe they’ll pay me good
>maybe I should pay attention to what the fuckers in the room are talking about
>back to the plot
>oh okay the orc is just screaming at them 
>”I HAVE GREAT GIFT TO UNITE ORCS AND GOBBOS!” the Goblin King declares
>”WHAT?! I NEED SLEEP!”
>”MAN WHO KILLED YOUR FATHER! WILL BE GREAT SYMBOL!”
>oh shit 

>the three retards basically shout at each other and talk about porn for a few more minutes
>apparently orc king is having issues with his fourth wife
>he went back to bed and Goblin King leaves the room 
>shaman lets out a yawn
>”Me need sleep. Need rest for fertility rituals tomorrow.”
>wait for him to scratch his balls, grab his staff which looks like it was made from a Ruger 10/22 with a fox skull on it, and leave
>wait a few more minutes before crashing out of the vent and onto the floor as quietly as possible
>groan in agony as I had crashed through a wooden table covered in bullshit
>climb up
>maybe I can use this mirror to call for help
>point my hand at the mirror and clear my throat
>”Mirror mirror on the wa--”
>”It’s magic mirror on the wall.”
>what
>I spin around, waving my knife at the shadows
>”behind you.”
>turn around
>oh hey
>the mirror has a face
>the mirror
>has a face
>”Hello there?”
>”Hello.”
>just sorta stare at the mirror for a minute
>”So um…”
>”I’m magic.”
>well no shit

>”Who are you?”
>”I am a magic mirror.”
>yes
>I can see that
>”No like, who are you…”
>”A magic mirror. There isn’t much else.”
>the face sort of gives a shrug
>without shoulders
>it’s weird
>”So can I ask you something?”
>”Shoot. I’m not going anywhere. No legs.”
>think for a minute
>”Where can I find Ding, and my shit?”
>”One second.”
>a weird symbol rotates in the corner of the screen for a minute
>the face scrunches his eyebrows
>”The Goblin King has it all in his room, with his harem.”
>harem
>dammit
>”Seriously?”
>”Yes. Just down the hall, actually.”
>well that’s convenient
>”One more question.”
>the face nods
>”What’s it like in there?”
>the face sorta looks around the interior of the mirror
>”Kinda musky.”
>oh
>um
>not how I’d imagine the inside of a mirror

>”So you’ll just stay here then?”
>”I suppose.”
>sure thing
>”Seeya.”
>creep out into the dark hallway
>this place is a damn maze
>darkness won’t exactly help me
>goblins are good at seeing in the dark, and can likely smell me
>still, manage to sneak my way through the halls, having to duck into closets and alcoves to hide from the occasional guard
>if their crude helmets didn’t basically cut off most of their sight and potentially deafen them my solid snake bullshit wouldn’t work
>I smelled the Goblin King’s chambers before I saw the door
>smelled like the breeding wagons and perfume
>I clutch my knife in my hand and sneak up on a guard leaning propped against the wall outside
>grab it and lift it off the ground, knife in hand
>well 
>I moreso grabbed it’s neck and pulled it’s head clean off
>I gasp and drop it, finding that the guard had been cleanly beheaded and set up to look asleep
>great don’t tell me fuckin’ gray fox is down here too
>grab it’s crude rifle-spear thing off the floor, and check it
>this thing is like a goblin musket
>put the knife between my teeth, hold the spear-thing in my other hand
>cowabunga
>kick the fuckin’ door open and rush in, yelling around the knife
>oh hey
>bodies of scantily clad gobbos all over
>a lot of pillows and drapes too
>this damn place might’ve been a comfort room before the gobbos took it from the kobolds
>don’t wanna think about that

>drag the dead guard in, and slide a broom handle into the handles to lock it
>AH 
>EW
>THE HANDLE IS STICKY
>from behind another set of doors across the incense-heavy chamber I hear a sob, and a slap
>a muffled woman’s yell
>that motherfucker has some woman hostage
>stride across the chamber, slipping in whore guts
>kick down those doors 
>knife in one hand, spear in the other
>whore blood up to my knees
>find the Goblin King strapped to some complicated wooden rack
>naked
>beaten to hell
>some goblin whore in leather is laying dead across the room, nearly inside out
>as I step forward to ask the bastard where my shit and overly affectionate fairy is I feel someone grab me from behind
>I yelp and I’m flipped upside down and slam onto the floor
>my arm is bent behind me as someone gets on top of me
>whoever it is presses the muzzle of a pistol to my back, and freezes
>feel them fumble with my prosthetic
>also feel the sticky pool of what is hopefully blood under me
>”Anon?”
>I get flipped over, my head still spinning from that WWE bullshit
>look up
>a one eyed elf spinning a revolver is kneeling over me, a fairy landing on her shoulder
>”Oh hey Loreli. You could’ve saved the beating until after I escaped…”

>she pulls me up, and hands me a rag to wipe myself off with
>”Hey Anon.”
>”Yeah?”
>she slugs me in the arm
>ow fuck
>I guess I do sorta deserve that
>”Looks like I had to save you, you overconfident ass.”
>”Uh, thanks?”
>she takes a deep breath, and shakes her head
>”Human.”
>”Elf.”
>grab her 
>kiss the bitch
>love this damn elf
>Ding chatters, grabbing onto my face
>”Yeah, I know.”
>she chatters more, waving an arm at the squirming goblin on the rack
>”Yeah I see his weird dick.”
>chatter chatter
>”She’s asking if she can eat him.”
>the goblin king lets out a muffled yell and shakes his head around, one of his eyes nearly swollen shut
>walk over to the Goblin King
>he has some kinda ball gag on
>yank it
>almost vomit as I pull a whole fuckin dildo out of his throat
>”Tell me about the attack plan!”
>think for a moment
>”Also give me my shit back!”
>slap him
>he moans
>slap him again
>”Where is the rebel base!”
>”What!?”
>”WHERE IS BANE.”

>”Everything in bedroom! Next door!”
>he sobs
>”PLEASE NO KILL ME!”
>grab onto the rack and spin it, the goblin shrieking
>”TOMATOES!”
>what
>is that a
>a fucking safe word
>”Hey Loreli, is the staff he kept Ding in around?”
>”What?”
>”The staff with a jar on it.”
>she hands it to me
>perfect
>”Hey Goblin King.”
>”Y-yes?”
>”Have you watched 13 reasons why?” I ask, turning the staff over in my hand
>this is kind of like a mop handle
>“N-n-no.”
>”Oh well.”

>”So where is Ellior?” I ask, pulling on my gear, Ding cooing and snuggling into her favorite pocket
>Loreli stuffs maps into a bag 
>”She’s waiting on Cap’n’s ship.”
>”For free?”
>Loreli holds a shining gem, one of many, up to the light, squinting her eye
>she shakes her head, pocketing the gem
>”Nope, but we did get a discount.”
>a sudden buzz, like a phone, sounds off, and she glances down at her pendant
>”Time to go.”
>I nod, and pat myself down to see if I have everything
>wait a minute
>pat myself again
>where is it
>no matter where I look, I cannot find the annihilator 

>as Loreli turns to mess with some wall panel, I hear beating on the main harem doors
>that broom handle won’t last long
>no matter how many coochies its been stuffed in
>I continue to frantically pat myself down
>”Anon! Keep them out!”
>I snap back to reality, and shove the big, mahogany desk against the door, and start stacking shit on top of it
>Ding chatters in my ear, and holds something out to me
>the annihilator
>”Thanks Firefly.” I say, rubbing the top of her little head and tucking the derringer away
>I jump as the goblins start firing at the thick wooden door
>”It’s ironwood! It’s sturdier than a drive horse! Help me reach this damn lever!”
>I turn and she’s up on her tiptoes, trying to pull at some stone switch that popped out the wall
>jump again as something hits the door hard enough to shake the desk
>run over, reach over the hopping elf’s head
>give her a smug smile as she glares up at me
>click
>a slab of stone slides down
>I didn’t even see a seam
>the tunnel behind the door is tall and narrow, about 6 feet high and 3 wide
>squeeze in, the slab sliding up behind us 
>moments later I hear a muffled thump as they blow the ironwood door off it’s hinges

>my nose brushes on the smooth stone walls of the tunnel as I awkwardly shuffle along
>Loreli, being a flexible treehumper, has no issues
>then again she’s just carrying my backpack of maps and intel
>FALs are a little bit unwieldy in tight spaces
>”how’d you know this damn tunnel was here?”
>Ding lands on top of my head, cuddling into my hair 
>I missed you too Ding
>”This wasn’t always a Kobold hole, it was kind of like an Elven military base at one time.”
>there’s a crack as she breaks a glow stick from my pack, the bright yellow glow lighting up the passage 
>”Why did the elves leave then?”
>she stops, and holds the glow stick up
>the wall, in this small area that opens up a little wider, is covered in some drawings 
>a horned creature leading an army of monsters
>some of his force looked human, with round ears 
>”That happened.”
>she swings the glow stick around, showing more
>the other army was clearly made of elves, but they looked different from any I had seen
>they were fighting alongside massive armored figures
>the design of the armor looks familiar 
>I’ve seen that somewhere before

>I really hope the gobins don’t find the entrance to this tunnel
>I may be able to fire off my shotgun, but I won’t be able to reload
>being attacked by goblins in a place like this is a death sentence for me
>it’d be worse for Loreli 
>I let out a growl as my sword, on my hip clatters against the wall
>this damn sword
>do I really have to carry it anymore
>the tunnel widens out a bit after around an hour of walking
>the passage is not about 5 feet wide, a lot more comfortable
>we’ve found more drawings on the walls
>spirits, trees, elf things like that
>even a skeleton
>it’s taller than me, nearly seven feet
>definitely an elf
>the intricate armor is still shining, save for a jagged gash in the breastplate
>”Poor guy. He certainly got far.” Loreli mutters, kneeling and saying something in elvish
>probably a prayer or something
>I nod and give my respects
>she stands, a necklace dangling from her fingers
>shining silver, with some kind of glittering white gem set in the center
>”Looting? I’m a bad influence.”
>Ding lets out an “ooh” and zips off my head, flittering her wings to hover in front of the gem
>”Yeah, it’ll sell for a pretty penny... “
>maybe we’ll run into a collector or something

>there is a heavy scraping of stone as we push against the door
>”On three! Three!”
>push with all my strength
>even Ding is pushing, her little wings buzzing as she pushes against the door
>with a low scrape, the huge door slides open an inch, letting cold, fresh air into the passage
>with a triumphant chatter, Ding squeezes through the crack
>okay
>Loreli looks at me
>”On three.”
>I press my back to the door
>”Three!”
>I shove, and fall backwards with a yelp
>as I lay there, staring up at the night sky, I hear Ding laughing
>she lands on my chest, and chatters at me
>thanks dick
>I groan, and pull myself to my feet
>we exited from the side of a rocky outcropping, near the coast
>convenient?

12/10/19

>judging from this map and the direction of the wind
>the cove is
>that way
>or maybe that way
>I turn 
>”Onwards!”
>Loreli grabs me
>”Anon the cove is this way.”
>”I-I knew that… I just…”
>pause
>”I gotta take a piss.” 
>I point at some bushes
>she sighs
>”Don’t take too long or I’ll think the natives snatched you.”
>I go over to the bushes
>sneakily reach into my pocket
>aha
>there it is
>pull out a monster zero ultra
>gotta cover up my lack of direction
>poke a hole in it with my knife as Ding lands on my shoulder
>she looks down and gives me a disappointed look
>oh sorry 
>shush her and start whistling, acting like the stream of boomer fuel is my piss
>”Anon what did they feed you!? I can smell it from here!”
>”D-dont worry! We’ll be on our way soon!”
>gently toss the empty can into the bushes
>pretend to zip up 
>you fooled em again Anon

>we pop by the Kobold camp on the way
>”Gus! What the fuck!? You told me there was like 30 goblins!”
>”Kobolds no count good!”
>the barrel he’s sitting on shakes
>”I try tell you!”
>he tried to tell us
>”Yeah bud you guys might want to go find some other lodging. Even if I could kill an army of goblins it would take weeks to get the stink out.”
>think for a minute
>”Oh yeah that goblin king guy might be a little upset. I may have sodomized him with his kingly staff…”
>”Good. Is asshole.”

>he looks sad
>”So… no go home…”
>a tear drips down his 
>lizard face
>and plops down from the tip of his sniffling snout
>”Sorry bud…”
>he looks up at me with his big kobold eyes
>”Have hug from fren?”
>look at Loreli
>she looks at me
>look at Ding, who is stealing ammo from a box in the corner
>”Okay bud.”
>give the little lizard thing a hug
>”Thank fren. We find new home.”

>take the rickety lift down into the cove
>it only got stuck twice
>I wasn’t scared
>s-shut up
>we make a beeline for Cap’n’s Shipbar
>as we are climbing up the boarding ramp, we feel something
>the cave walls rumble, and every creature within pauses, going silent
>the tunnel leading to the lift explodes into rubble and dust
>what the fuck
>suddenly, fucking goblins pour out of the tunnel 
>picture the stormtroopers at the beginning of A New Hope
>except they’re green, screaming, and firing off their shit rifle spears
>fuck me
>we sprint up the boarding ramp as the cavern erupts into chaos
>many people flee for any boat near them
>many are gunned down fighting the green wave
>Brutis calls out as we rush onto the deck
>”WHAT IS GOING ON YOU CRAZY BASTARDS?!”
>he waves an arm, the other holding a tray of Cuba Libres
>”Uh. So. Goblins.”
>”Goblins?”
>”GOBLINS!” I hear cap’n scream, flying over my head to skewer one that was running up the boarding ramp
>”BRUTIS GIT OUR SHIP TA SEA! FUCKIN GOBLINS ARE GOING TO LEAVE THEIR JUICES EVERYWHERE!”
>he points a wing at me
>”YOU HELP ME KEEP THEM OFF!”
>he points at Loreli “GO GIT YER GIRL!”
>he squawks, and spins on the boarding ramp, his leg blade flashing as he beheads 3 goblins in a wide pirouette
>”BRUTIS!”
>”Y-yeah?”
>”ADDRRRESS OURRR PASSENGERRRS! GIVE THEM FRRREE HURRRRICANES! SQUAWK!”

>I haven’t fired on groups of goblins in a bit
>it’s kinda fun
>we mostly just create a kill zone around the boarding ramp
>Cap’n is using a blunderbuss
>it’s pretty damned effective
>he squawks each time he vaporizes a group of goblins
>I turn my head to say something and notice a problem
>several shitty speedboats are speeding into the cove from outside, firing flamethrowers at any fleeing ship that gets too close
>goblins dance around on top like they’re in mad max, firing rifle spears and mounted weapons
>I see one fire a grenade launcher at a smaller boat, blowing it inches above the water, before sinking to the depths
>anyone who tried to swim away got run over or skewered
>”Hey Cap’n…”
>”WHAT BE IT BOY I’M BALLS DEEP IN GREEN NIGGERS!”
>he glances over and swears in his usual harpy way
>”FUCK CUNT BITCH DICK”
>as he’s about to scream another order, a group of black boats glide past us, sails somehow full in the underground area
>they move through the water like serpents, firing cannons that send arcs of fire and smoke to engulf and tear apart goblin vessels
>their black bulkheads deflect any shots fired, and the beautiful golden decorations gleam brightly
>”Argh… those dark elf bastards are makin’ me look bad.”
>he kicks out, slicing a goblin from crotch to neck, it’s torso unzipping and spilling dark guts onto the dock
>”Come on. We’ve got to get to sea.”
>he pauses
>”Then we will discuss this mess.”

>we speed out in the trail of the dark elf privateers
>what the hell are those boats made of
>every time they fire something explodes
>a larger boat, some kind of large yacht covered in crude iron plates and red paint speeds into the cove, flanked by a bunch of speedboats
>there aren’t only goblins
>fucking orcs
>the yacht is nimble enough to move to the side, and go down out little line of ships
>the lead dark elf warship sucks several speedboats under the large ram on the front, shattering them and annihilating the occupants
>as the large orc yacht passes by, it circles around, firing on our flanks
>I see orcs through themselves onto any boat it passes
>I turn back to everyone on the ship
>luckily, most of the patrons seemed to be armed
>some drew swords and other melee weapons
>”PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!” I shout, hoping Loreli and Ellior were safe below deck
>our ship rocks as the yacht turns scraping along our side
>I’m nearly thrown to the deck, and several grappling hooks catch the railing nearest the enemy yacht
>the Dark Elves must’ve gotten them with their cannons, because the yacht sinks out of sight as we are boarded
>the deck erupts into chaos
>I don’t even have time to aim before an orc is on me, swinging a crude cutlass at me
>I raise my FAL in both hands and get thrown to the deck by the force of the blow
>my rifle falls beside me
>as the orc takes another swing, I manage to draw my own sword, a swing of it snapping the crude blade
>the half that snapped off flies down towards me, biting deep into the deck next to my head
>you want a pirate fight huh
>o-okay 
>I’m gonna die aren’t I

>I leap up, slashing the orc across the chest as he stares dumbfounded at his broken sword
>he lets out a yell and swings a punch at me, black smoke rising from a wound that will never seal
>I duck it, drawing my sawn-off in my other hand, and press the barrels into his upper chest
>fire both barrels, dropping him
>something hits me hard in the side, and I’m sent tumbling away and over a table
>oh great now I’m not only going to be killed 
>I’m going to be killed 
>and I’m covered in fucking tacos
>I see Brutis pick an orc up from the deck, smashing it’s back into his knee, before tossing it overboard
>he’s protecting Cap’n, who is busy at the wheel
>something grabs my leg, and I see a very angry orc bringing a hammer down towards me
>I roll over to the side as well as I can with a leg restrained, and the hammer smashes a hole through the fucking deck
>and through the only taco that I didn’t smash
>I bring my other leg up and kick the orc in the fucking balls
>he grunts, and loses his grip on my leg
>I sing both legs up to wrap them around the weapon arm, wrapping my arms around it too
>the orc roars as he raises the arm, lifting me clear from the floor
>I didn’t think this through
 
>I decide to use a Ding tactic as the orc swings his restrained arm wildly
>I bite down on his wrist as hard as I can
>he screams, and swings me free, sending me tumbling over the bar
>I came away with a mouthful of flesh, and spit it out as I drag myself up to look over the bar, grabbing for a weapon
>you see I kinda
>um
>dropped all but two of my own weapons
>the annihilator and knife
>I wrap my hands around a muddler as the orc lunges, tusked mouth open in fury
>I swing my arm, and smash him in the forehead with the stainless steel muddler
>the orc grunts, and I punch out, jamming my metal hand into the biting mouth
>the orc gags, and throws himself backwards,
>I grab ahold of a tusk and pull him towards me
>he slips on something as he falls forward onto the bar
>draw my knife in my other hand and just start stabbing, yanking on the tusk to keep his head in place
1/20/20

>”Ow.” I mutter, as Ellior sticks a band-aid over a cut on my cheek
>”Hold still.”
>I grumble, and take another drink from the bottle of Bacardi in my bloody hand
>”Miss Loreli! We’re out of band-aids!”
>as you can tell
>I clearly won the fight
>before being attacked by several more angry green gentlemen
>”One minute! I gotta finish stitching up this big baby. Hold still!”
>I hear Brutis hiss through his teeth as another stitch on his bloody arm pops
>”Dammit stop flexing!”
>I take another sip of the rum as Ellior puts a stinging salve on another cut
>”How did they even cut you here?”
>”Don’t ask.”
>”Did it hurt?” she asks, rubbing in more of the painful medicine
>”Yep.”

>take one last sip
>”Alright kid. I’m gonna go talk to the old bird. Make sure the Ox doesn’t flex at Loreli too much.”
>Ellior nods as I pull myself off the bar, stumbling a little 
>man if it weren’t for this rum I’d be aching
>I’m still aching
>where’s Ding
>I find Cap’n chatting on some old radio
>looks like something a trucker would use
>”Alrrrright. May the damn waves fuckin favor yee.”
>he hangs up
>turns to me
>”BOY DO YOU FUCKING MIND TELLIN ME ABOUT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?”
>he squawks, and calms down when I offer him the bottle
>”Argh. Thank you. Stressful day.”
>explain the whole kidnapping thing up until I anally probed the “Goblin King” with his own kingly staff
>he laughed at that in pure harpy fashion
>”Aha! That’ll fuckin show the green fucker!”
>he takes a swig from the seemingly endless bottle and hands it back
>”So, the elves are in trouble eh? Well. They sure would be able to pay a pretty fuckin penny to anyone who would warn their knife eared asses!”
>just what I was thinking
>”I’ll tell the other boats. This could lead somewhere damned fine.”
>he coughs, putting back on his pirate voice 
>”ARGH NOW LET ME TAKE COMMAND OF ME SHIP YER DISTRACTIN ME. ALSO LEAVE THE BOTTLE.”

>as I walked back onto the bar deck, someone called out
>”Hey! You!”
>what now
>a man steps forward
>well I say a man but um
>he is like 8 feet tall
>with blue skin
>messy white hair
>and horns
>a fucking oni
>oh yeah he’s fucking ripped
>I think back, and vaguely remember seeing him fighting in the brawl
>I look him over
>he’s wearing furs, and bronze armor
>pretty intricate
>he also has swords strapped all over him
>cleavers, claymores, machetes, katanas, dwarven choppers, rough orc blades
>a ton of swords
>man is a walking armory
>he points over at Ellior, who waves
>”That girl says you’re immortal.”
>dammit Ellior
>he points at Ding, who is lounging in a cup of warm ale
>”She says you’re a warrior.”
>he points at the sword on my hip
>”And that sword says things I can’t understand.”
>what

>he continues to stare at my sword
>”May I take a look at your weapon?”
>buy me dinner first you big blueberry
>”What could it hurt…” I say
>slide it out of its sheath and hold it out
>it looks like a dagger in his hands
>”I see…” he says
>he wraps his hand around the hilt, and it starts to glow
>”Oh, it hates you…” he whispers as the sword begins to shift like melted wax
>he holds it up to the light, and lets a low whistle escape his dagger filled mouth
>it now resembles a large scimitar
>but like
>twisted
>weird
>imagine a nodachi-scimitar rape baby
>the swirling lines that go along it’s blade release a black mist
>”You either haven’t earned it’s respect, or it doesn’t truly belong to you, immortal.”
>yeah yeah give it back you horny bastard
>”Well, I’d like to keep an eye on it.”
>he laughs, the sound rattling my bones
>”Yes, a sword like this can kill immortals, after all.”
>he runs a finger down the back of the blade like he’s petting a cat, and it reforms
>looks more like how it used to
>how did he even do that
>I mean it isn’t exactly made out of steel so

>”So, um. What is your name?”
>”I am Kenshi Okarukare. The Oni swordsman.”
>Kenshi huh
>nice
>”So, Kenshi, what are you doing here?”
>he lets out another guttural laugh
>”Searching for a worthy opponent.”
>as you do
>”I also heard that this boat was a good place to drink!”
>he is speaking my language
>”Well I think there’s a bottle of Jack Daniels that wasn’t smashed over my head somewhere…” I mutter, looking over at the bar
>he sighs
>”It would never compare to the drink my kind enjoyed during our time on the Island.”
>”So you guys were in Japan?”
>”YES! WE DID MUCH BATTLE! TOOK MANY LIVES!”
>he calms down
>”And we drank, as we tend to do.”
>I guessed so
>Tell me, Immortal. Are you a swordsman?”
>I hear Loreli burst out laughing somewhere past him
>my face burns up as Ellior and Ding join in
>smug elf and fairy laughter
>it goes on for a painful amount of time

1/18/20
>talk with Kenshi for a little
>booze and finding that I’m “not a proper swordsman” helped
>thanks dick
>Oni match the stereotype
>he wanders the world
>finds the greatest or most legendary swordsmen he can
>and beats the shit out of them
>then he just takes their sword
>”Look at this!” he boasts
>it just looks like a hilt without a blade
>some kind of glowing gem fitted into it
>he flicks his wrist
>long blade made out of blue crystal slides out, growing near instantly
>”I took this from a great battlemage! I still remember our clash!”
>he pauses
>”Then I killed him!”
>neat
>Ellior, as usual, is enraptured by the stories
>”What sword is your favorite Mister Kenshi?”
>a gleam appears in his eye
>”This one was forged by my grandfather. It contains the soul of a great Omukade!”
>giant centipede demon
>I know that one
>I’m not a weeb
>s-shut up
>he stands, and draws a sword with a blade as long as I am tall
>red designs are etched into the blade
>they resemble skittering legs that seem to writhe in the light
>it is like a huge katana, but thicker, and ending in a savage prong
>like a pair of insect jaws
>”So weapons that use souls are common?” I ask
>”Only weapons akin to swords. More alive than any machine.”
>weeb
>he points at Ding, who is sitting on my shoulder, kicking her feet
>”The fairies were said to have trapped the spirit of a great demon in such a weapon, a hungry thing.”
>he takes a deep breath
>”I want that one.”
>of course he does

>finally
>after 2 weeks at sea
>we are here
>oh its
>its beautiful
>”Elnorin City. I thought it’d be bigger.”
>Loreli and Elllior kinda look at me
>I look back
>Ding snores in my pocket
>”Okay. Okay. Elves make nice cities. You win.”
>the entire thing is surrounded by walls of white marble
>poking over the top is a sprawling skyline of buildings 
>all made out of the same glittering white stone
>even the dock we landed on is pretty
>is this place really older than Waterlau?
>”Come on, the main gate is this way!” Ellior calls, pointing
>”How do you know that?”
>she freezes
>”H-haha there’s a sign…”
>”No there isn’t?”
>”Yes there is now come on.”
>Ding and I share a look
>suspicious

>”Okay. Loreli Saunders… welcome.” the elf man at the gate says, stamping a paper
>his shining armor is nearly fucking blinding
>”Next.”
>Ellior steps forwards
>she seems nervous
>”Um… Ellior.”
>”Full name please.”
>she sighs
>”Ellior Elwin Faelar Elnorin.”
>the guard raises his eyebrows
>”Elnorin?”
>”Yes.”
>”Go on through. This is your bodyguard?” he asks, nodding at Loreli
>”Yeah.”
>”And this would be your… slave?”
>he points at someone behind me
>look behind me
>there’s nobody behind me
>dammit
>he was pointing at me wasn’t he
>”N-no he’s her... l-love slave.”
>she sputters, face turning red
>”Where is his collar?”
>my what
>”O-oh we lost it.”
>even though this is awkward
>it is pretty funny to see her bullshit her way through this

>”Okay, we have spares here, I’ll let you put it on him real quick.”
>he hands her this weird collar made out of silver metal
>very intricate
>it doesn’t have a break or hinge
>it’s just a loop
>her ears kinda shake as she just stares at the collar in her hands
>”Ellior come on you’re holding up the line.”
>she looks at me, breathing funny as she begins to walk over
>stop it
>stop it
>you’re being creepy
>”Ah-umI t-think I should do it!” 
>now Loreli is all red and breathing heavy
>”Don’t worry I can d-do it.”
>”No I insist.”
>what is going on
>it’s just a collar
>”He’s my love slave so I should.”
>Ding is cackling in my pocket
>look around
>elves in the area are turning red, and turning away
>Loreli and Ellior are basically fighting over the collar now
>”I could just go back to the boa--”
>”NO!” they both yell, rushing me
>Loreli yanks the collar away, and slides it down over my head
>”Ack--” I say as it shrinks to fit around my neck
>this thing is kind of tight
>there was that so damn hard
>”You can… go in.. now.” the guard says, staring at the floor
>elves

1/23/20
>okay this place is pretty nice
>it’s so clean
>I could eat off of the ground if I wanted to
>instead of lightbulbs and electricity there are glowing crystals being powered through odd iridescent lines in the stone walls
>the air itself seems different too
>not just clean but refreshing
>there are signs of change though
>the occasional car moving down the wide, grey cobble roads
>the patrolling guards are carrying rifles
>SA-80s, covered in silver engravings and topped with intricate bayonets
>curved sabers hilted at their sides, shields akin to silver wings strapped across their backs
>and good lord that armor is damn shiny
>I turn to see Loreli looking at me funny
>”What?”
>”You look like you’re dreaming.”
>she looks around and sighs
>”I feel safe here.”
>it does have an odd aura
>a hum in your bones
>it’s like when I use the annihilator, or when I attach my prosthetic
>it’s strangely pleasant
>”I’ve never seen so many elves, not even back in town.”
>our conversation is interrupted by Ellior
>”Guys! The market!”
>I smell it before I see it
>it’s how I would imagine a french or belgian restaurant
>the smell of pastries and fine meats
>fresh bread
>Ding hovers out of my pocket
>she sniffs the air
>makes a noise that I can only describe as a cross between a violent orgasm and a french man being spanked with a belt
>and starts chattering a mile a minute
>Ellior looks at Loreli as if to say “did you get any of that?”
>they look at me
>”I have literally never understood a word she has ever said.”

>turns out she was babbling about the most delicious smelling meat she has ever smelled
>now there is something you should know about Ding
>well
>two things
>she likes smooth jazz
>and she is a meat connoisseur
>whenever I want to make steaks or burgers I bring her to the butcher with me
>so when she is going nuts about smelling meat
>well
>it’s good to listen
>so I follow, and the elves follow me
>the smell gets stronger and more mouth watering as we start to round a corner
>I can hear a chattering crowd
>must be popular
>we round the corner and
>MOTHER
>FUCKING
>APPLEBEES
>ARE YOU SERIOUS

>so this is a thing
>Elves like Applebees
>like it is nearly gourmet or something
>they really are the ultimate white people
>they even had the radio playing
>it was like I was back on Earth
>the waitress tried flirting with me
>some cultural thing with the “love slave” collar
>Ding didn’t like that
>and long story short I ended up even lower on money
>also I ended up carrying several to-go boxes of leftovers
>”Okay. Hotel.”
>”But Anon! We have to warn the city!”
>look at Ellior
>”I am stuffed full of Applebees steak and mozzarella sticks. I gotta sleep this off.”
>Ding, seeming to agree with me, lazily drags herself out of MY leftover box, groaning and rubbing her stomach
>she then burps, shrugs, and goes right back in
>thanks Ding
>I didn’t want to eat that or anything
>little
>fuckin
>fuck fly
>ooh
>got her

>”Let me in.”
>”No.”
>”Yes.”
>”Maybe.”
>”Really?”
>”No.”
>fuck
>walk back over to Loreli
>”He says no.”
>”He says no?”
>”He says no.”
>Loreli calls over to the guard
>”You say no?”
>”Yes.”
>”Yes?”
>”No.”
>Ellior comes running around the corner
>”Guys! Look who I found!”
>I hear heavy, metallic footsteps
>a massive shadow rounds the corner, steam escaping from gaps in his armored plates
>atop his shoulder sits a small figure with a parasol 
>”My my. If it isn’t the young couple.”
>she leans forwards and I see a glint of fangs 
>a flash of glowing red eyes
>long white hair
>”MY FRIENDS!”

>the countess brushes at her dress as Armor gently puts her down
>she immediately pulls Ellior into a hug, patting her back
>”I must say, it is so good to run into all of my friends!”
>in a blur, she is immediately hugging Loreli and I 
>fuck shit
>she’s strong
>oh right
>vampire
>”Mev… can’t… breathe…”
>I let out a noise as I feel my ribs pop
>”I MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH! ADULT FRIENDS! NO MORE TEA PARTIES! INNUENDO AND FINE WINE!”
>what
>she lets go, and drops to the cobble in front of us with a quiet clack
>she coughs
>”I am here for a diplomatic talk. Why, pray tell, are you here, my dearest friends?”
>good she calmed down
>fucking shit she got sunscreen on my coat
>before I can say anything, I hear something
>”LET ME OUT! IT’S BEEN SO LONG!”
>Armor looks down at his chest as something clatters and bangs
>he reaches up and opens the plate with a hiss, causing a pile of bones to pour out
>OH GOD
>ARMOR ATE SOMEONE
>with a cough, the skeleton picks himself up off the cobblestone
>”WHERE IS MY SHIRT? I’M NAKED WITHOUT IT!”
>Kalcium covers his ribs with his hands
>behind me, I can hear the guard yell and click off the safety of his SA-80
>he pushes past, yelling about necromancy, and fires off a burst at Kalcium
>Kalcium shrieks and falls down onto the cobble, his skull clattering away
>JESUS CHRIST
>THEY KILLED KALCIUM

>”WHY DID YOU DO THAT?”
>”NECROMANCY!”
>grab the guy by the shoulders
>”HE’S A FRIEND.”
>the guard freaks out and smacks me with his rifle
>AH MY RIBS
>punch him 
>something in my hand pops as it hit his armor
>OW MY HAND
>WHY DIDN’T I USE THE METAL ONE
>next thing I know I’m rolling around on the cobblestone wrestling the guy
>he already has some kind of intricate handcuff around one wrist
>”GET HIM ANON!” Ellior yells
>Ding is throwing air punches over her shoulder
>the elve’s helmet comes off while we fight
>I know what to do
>shoot out my hand like I’m trying to punch his smug 
>high cheekboned
>Benadryl Cabbagepatch looking
>elf face
>he quickly tilts his head to avoid it
>his elf smugness at his skill is in the air
>his face wasn’t my target
>pinch his ear in just the right spot
>SLEEP NOW
>he goes rigid, spasms, and falls limp 
>did he
>oh
>I think he did
>climb out from under him
>handcuff hanging from my wrist
>look at Loreli, who turns red and avoids my gaze
>”L-lewd…”
>Ellior just looks confused
>”Where did you learn that move Anon?”
>”Ask Loreli.”

>suddenly the gate opens 
>a shit ton of silver-armored elves run out in formation
>on the other side, a few of the Countess’ vampire dudes appear
>where the fuck were they
>is this vampire shadow bullshit
>I only now notice their armor shares a lot of the same design elements
>the Countess’ men wear red capes, and have a darker tinge to their gear 
>the Elnorin knights have a much more intricate look, like walking art pieces
>think the silver knights from Dark Souls combined with the high elf gear from Skyrim
>the Countess’ knights carry sabers, halberds, and mosin nagant rifles
>meanwhile the Elnorin Knights have intricately engraved SA-80s and SPAS-12s
>a real contrast
>oh right
>so um
>the Elnorin knights just see some crazy looking human make one of their rookies cum his pants moving towards a VIP, the Countess
>the Countess’ knights see an ally of the Countess being bum rushed by the Elnorin Knights
>just as a huge clusterfuck, and possibly a war, is about to go down
>a headless skeleton stands up, and fumbles with his skull
>this doesn’t help things
>as each side starts drawing their weapons, and aiming, someone behind the silver knights lets out a command
>”STAND THE HELL DOWN.”
>everyone freezes
>turning, I can see an elf, dressed in golden armor, standing there
>he reaches up and pulls off his helmet, revealing that he appears to be 
>like
>I don’t know
>19? 20?
>he’s an elf
>you never know
>he carries himself differently from the rest of the High Elves I have seen
>he seems competent
>he has bright blue eyes
>something else that makes him different is his hair
>he is clearly a High elf like Ellior, but his hair is black as night
>he almost commands respect

>he turns to stare at me
>”Why did you molest that guard?”
>I point at Kalcium, who is fumbling with his head
>”He shot my pal.”
>”He’s a skeleton.”
>”ALRIGHT LISTEN HERE YOU BLACK HAIRED DOUBLE DIPPED FAGGO--”
>I put a hand over Kalcium’s mouth
>”Not. Now.” I whisper through grit teeth
>I hear him screech into my palm
>”Kalcium.”
>he goes quiet
>turn back to prettyboy
>”Don’t mind him.”
>Prettyboy looks around all of us
>his eyes linger on Ellior for a moment, as though trying to place her face
>he blinks, and strides over to the Countess, who is putting away a knife
>”I apologize for this, Countess Mevel--”
>the countess cuts him off
>”If your men touch my friends again I kill everyone in that castle.”
>something in her voice makes my veins turn to ice
>she can be scary
>she smiles
>”Please! I would love a tour, young man!”
>she points at us
>”These people are coming with me.”
>prettyboy coughs
>”Y-yes. They will all be honored guests.”

2/6/20

>”Countess Meveliarde of Waterlau. Why did you bring your consort to the meeting?”
>reach up and tug at the fuckin collar
>how do I get this thing off
>the High Elf council stare down at the Countess and I
>”I’m not her conso--”
>”DID WE ASK?”
>fucking
>jgaong[oag[oj
>”This young man is not my consort, he is simply a very close friend.”
>it probably doesn’t help that she has a fucking iron grip on my hand
>at least hold the other one that one can’t feel your crushing grip
>”I brought him with me so that he may deliver some urgent news.”
>hear something pop as she hums and squeezes my hand again
>this would be endearing and cute and all if she wasn’t about to give me another prosthetic
>”Speak, pleasure slave. The Countess clearly thinks you have something worth our ears.”
>the nine elves look down at me, expectedly 
>proceed to tell them that if they don’t prepare they’re going to eat a shit sandwich 
>without any bread
>”Who are you to question the security of our city, human!?” One, a tall man, demands
>”I was at the siege of Neumagh. I believe this war and may be equal to, or larger than the one I faced.”
>the elves whisper among themselves
>”We has heard of the casualties. They were extensive, yes?”

>images flash through my mind
>dead dwarves
>Bill
>blown in half to save me
>so many dead
>I feel a chill as another massacre crosses my mind
>I push that all down
>”Yes.”
>”What proof do you have of your claims? Humans tend to exaggerate. Human men especially.”
>alright listen here you shit
>take out the stack of papers we stole
>”I took these from one of their leaders.”
>the elf who questioned me raises her brow
>”You simply walked in and took their battle plans?”
>haha
>about that
>”Well. No. I was their prisoner.”
>smug elf laughter from all around
>Loreli I swear none of these better be related to you
>I’m about to make the Saunders’ Glenn massacre look like a fucking picnic
>the countess speaks up
>”He also led the extermination of Waterlau’s Skaven infestation.”
>thank 
>you
>The elves look up from the papers I brought them
>”We will call for you both when we have made a decision.”
>I hope that these guys are more efficient than the politicians from my side of the rifts 

3/8/20

>so yeah
>elf politicians are not very efficient
>time-wise, anyway
>there has been a solid week of meetings
>paperwork
>delegation
>these shits sure are patient
>I guess that comes with the near-immortality high elves are supposed to have
>they still don’t entirely believe me
>well
>to be fair
>I wouldn’t believe me either
>if I hadn’t been at Neumagh I wouldn’t believe such a large force of Goblins and Orcs could work together
>well
>at least long enough before splintering into a civil war and literally eating each other
>their leader is either damn charismatic
>is promising them every elf virgin in the city
>or 
>um
>I don’t know
>the food is good enough to stick around?
>maybe they just hate elves
>I’ll be honest
>if it wasn’t for the elf I share a bed with every night
>these damn bureaucrats would make me want to go on a genocide

>look at my cards
>look over at Ding
>she stares
>stoney faced
>her cards set up on a little thing in front of her
>most of my fucking ammo sitting next to her
>along with my pants
>I lean over to Loreli
>”She’s cheating.”
>”How?”
>look at the smug little ball of affection
>”I don’t know.”
>well at least I don’t have to bet my soul on blackjack
>like that last time
>that was
>interesting
>never play blackjack with a necromancer 
>and with a harpy pirate

>Kalcium hums, sitting by the side
>he was playing with us but he kinda only wears 2 actual pieces of clothing
>this is my hat now.
>as I’m about to make my super Kakegurui blackjack comeback
>yes that is the name of my plan
>shut up
>there is a knock at the door
>I get up
>tossing my cards down
>showing I had a 3, a 2, and a joker
>it wasn’t a good hand
>open the door
>oh hey it’s the knight captain or whatever
>mister black hair
>he looks down
>I look down
>oh hey
>no pants
>he looks past me at Loreli
>”Should I leave you and your human alone for a while?”
>I’m not a dog dammit
>I’m a man
>a man who let a fairy beat him at blackjack

3/14/20

>”They don’t believe me?”
>the guard captain nods, arms clasped behind his back
>his armor is impeccably shined as always
>ask him if he believes me
>he just sorta thought it over for a minute
>not really
>but
>he does feel the need to address any possible threat to the city
>what a go-getter
>someone loves their job
>more fairy chattering on my shoulder
>Ding looks pissed
>maybe it’s because he is applying the special brand of elf condescension to everything he says to me
>or is implying I’m trying to lie about something like this
>or like
>she’s hungry
>one of the three
>I haven’t had time to go buy jerky
>or more ammo for her to lewd
>guard captain regards Ding
>starts talking elf to her
>I am in a situation where I cannot understand either of them
>and to make it worse he sounds more respectful to her than me
>gonna burn this city down for the Orcs

>”They don’t believe us?”
>”They don’t believe us.”
>Loreli sorta
>groans 
>and flops back onto the bed
>she starts muttering something about this shit being the reason they left
>yeah
>Saunders’ Glenn is a lot less
>strict?
>snobby?
>they don’t have an Applebees though
>”Well. Looks like there’s nothing we can do.”
>Loreli raises an eyebrow
>”That does not sound like you beau.”
>well
>I can’t really go into the council room and point a gun at them
>unless
>no Anon no
>well
>put a pin in that idea
>”We could just go home and say we warned them.”
>”We can’t just leave them!”
>turn around and see Ellior looking at me
>dammit I’m just trying to be reasonable
>plus I miss my bed
>it’s all warm and nice and has a reinforced frame
>for night terrors of course

>the biggest reason the council doesn’t believe us 
>is the fact that they cannot figure out a reason for so many orcs goblins and monsters to band together like this
>there’s no ideology
>no clear objective
>I think that whoever is leading them on is just offering them whatever
>the orcs love fighting
>goblins will rape and loot
>there’s not any logic behind it
>right?
>we have to find a way to convince them
>Countess is trying her best to reason with the council
>I was walking back from a meeting with them 
>that went nowhere
>when someone put a hand on my shoulder
>”Wait. Who are you?”
>turn around
>it’s some old elf
>real old
>he’s wearing loose blue robes
>rings adorn each hand
>and a tall staff is held in his hand
>at the end is a dimly glowing crystal
>a damn wizard
>straighten my back
>tell him I am known as “The Hero of Neumagh”
>he sorta squints at me
>”Really?”
>he laughs
>”I thought you would be taller.”
>listen here you magic bean stalk

3/20/20

>the wizard introduces himself as “Enrad”
>Ding is still fuckin giggling in my pocket at him calling me short
>you’re one to talk you brass finagling 
>fuckin
>fairy
>Enrad looks me up and down, and tilts his head
>he looks like he’s trying to hear something
>”Can I… help you?”
>”Do you have any magic items on your person, human?”
>pat my pockets
>oh right 
>evil sword
>kill everything gun
>cough and say yeah
>”Your kind do seem to enjoy trinkets.”
>I mean 
>these trinkets can probably kill anything
>”These trinkets are pretty safe with me.”
>he cackles
>”Humans. You all think so highly of yourselves.”
>”Elves are pretty arrogant yourselves.”
>that’s probably why humans and elves either get along or hate each other
>we’re both assholes
>Enrad just says to be careful
>acting like I’m a kid with horrific magic items
>well looking at him
>and all those wrinkles
>I am probably a kid compared to him
>wait
>how 
>how old is Loreli
>I should find a delicate way to ask
>women don’t like that question 

3/22/20

>”Well Ding, this should be the place…”
>look at the map the wizard gave me
>what was his name again
>Elrond?
>Egad?
>Enrad.
>I just mentioned what was going on with the council and this motherfucker had a map ready
>apparently there's some mountain pass here that’ll lead to a place with a mcguffin
>this mcguffin will help me gain the favor of the council
>furthermore some dutchess will be back soon that would be grateful
>a sixth member of the council who was off on “business”
>he also warned me that I can’t bring elves
>because this is “a place Elves never return from” or something
>well Loreli and Ellior were going sightseeing in the city anyway 
>so even if he was bullshitting me
>I enter the mountain pass to this “grotto”
>get the mcmuffin
>come back
>twenty minute adventure
>well it took a few hours to get here
>twenty minute adventure
>I assured Loreli it would probably be like 2 days tops, done deal

>I end up walking down a pass, deep in a stone crevasse
>Ding lets out an oooh and flits up to look at some colorful striations in the stone
>this place is pretty cool
>the sun is going down
>so it’s getting dark and literally cool
>find a larger area in the pass 
>scrounge up some branches and twigs
>after ten minutes Ding pops out of my pocket
>holds up my zippo
>oh
>right
>h-haha
>get a fire going, and sit back
>I have some food in my pack, and a sleeping bag
>Ding gets settled in my ammo can, and I put a piece of jerky in there with her
>it’s pretty peaceful
>reminds me of when I first met her
>lean my FAL on my shoulder, the cool barrel pressing to my cheek
>”Just like old times, huh?”
>Ding chatters, and bites a hunk out of the jerky strip
>thing is bigger than her but I know she won’t take less
>as I sit there on a boulder I rolled over, I see something glint in the dirt near the fire
>reach over and mess with it
>a very old piece of armor
>dig out an battered helmet, with a large gash in it
>find more buried in the area
>swords, shattered armor
>it’s all like what Loreli and I found in the escape tunnel
>after dealing with the Goblin King
>”We’re camping in a battleground. Just another Tuesday?”
>it’s Friday.

6/27/20

>alright, almost through the passage
>I had taken some of the less shredded armor I had found 
>used it to replace some of the busted plate I have strapped on
>despite being very fucking old this stuff is still good
>no corrosion, incredibly light
>anything that can just tear into this like cardboard is worrying
>good thing our worlds didn’t link back then
>as we continue down the bottom of the ravine, the mountains swallow us
>it’s dark, but no darker than Neumagh Keep tended to be
>luminescent stones glow in the walls and ceiling, a pale blue that barely keeps the shadows at bay
>more signs of ancient battle made me grip my FAL, despite knowing it was long ago
>the walls are gouged and scorched by spells and weaponry
>occasionally there would be a crumbling horned skeleton of some strange beast
>it was always surrounded by a few dozen shattered suits of armor, with their own crumbling remnant within
>the cave setting must have preserved the remains better than the more open passage outside
>I find a skeleton huddled in a small corner that crumbles to dust the moment I disturb it
>it wears tattered, frayed robes that would have once been intricate and beautiful
>around its neck are several medallions which hum with an old energy
>next to it is a leather tote filled with yellowed scrolls and leather bound tomes
>carefully open one
>it is remarkably preserved
>I cannot make out a single word
>it’s written in the usual elf script
>the deep purple ink has barely faded with the passing of centuries
>the hum in my prosthetic when I touch it denotes it as being magic in some sense
>I gather some of the intact scrolls
>2 more tomes
>and the medallions
>I’m sure the elves would like these
>who am I kidding I’m looting
>sorry pal
>don’t fuckin haunt me

3/29/20

>okay
>end of the ravine passage
>but there’s a new problem
>the passage widens and reveals a massive set of gates
>battlements, a big wall
>I’m sure you can imagine
>think Helm’s Deep but in a huge cavern
>as I get close I notice something
>the gates have been torn through
>the odd silver metal that makes up the portcullis are pushed inwards, the bars twisted and torn
>the white stone of the wall is pitted and cracked
>whatever came through the passage broke right through
>spooky
>there are even more remains
>bones that crumble to dust under my boots
>scorched broken armor and weapons
>there’s something else
>it takes me a moment to identify the massive armored bodies laying on the ground
>”Armor…” I mutter
>these things bear a striking resemblance to The Countess’ iron giant
>they may even be the same thing, Armor is just modified and decorated
>these are made of a blue-silver metal, and stood nine feet tall
>I bend down and attempt to lift one of the large lances laying near one
>after prying the metal fingers of a severed hand off, I pull
>god this thing is fucking heavy
>as I stand there struggling to lift the weapon, something moves
>I turn and see the severed arm of an Armor wiggle on the ground
>OH GOD
>OH FUCK
>ROBOT ZOMBIES
>I yell, and fall backwards upon tripping on the lance
>from the appendage crawling towards me I hear a familiar jingling laugh
>Ding climbs out of the torn end of the limb
>she doubles over, laughing and pointing at me
>thanks dick

4/1/20

>climb through the shattered gate
>I can see light up ahead 
>look around
>I’m in a massive arched tunnel
>the light at the end is bright
>this better not be like
>a portal into a fucking sun
>or anything it takes about a minute to get to the end
>pull my dwarf-made goggles up from around my neck at the glare
>the polarized lenses are soothing
>blink a few times, the image coming into focus
>find myself looking down at a massive ruined city
>all around are sheer cliff faces 
>above is a clear sky
>holy shit 
>I made it 
>this area is fucking massive
>think the view when you first see Anor Londo
>god I miss Dark Souls
>then again I kinda live in a Dark Souls game now
>the white stone that makes up everything, despite being worn over the centuries, still glitters in the light
>the buildings I see are covered in designs of silver metal that seems to glow with an inner light
>from up here, overlooking it all, I can see clear signs of battle
>some buildings are complete ruins
>the stone scorched black 
>something big probably happened here
>maybe 
>not sure
>look at my shoulder
>Ding is staring awestruck
>”Neat, huh?”
>she straightens her face
>shrugs
>chatters something in a time I can tell means “not bad.”
>”Okay, we won’t loot it then.”
>she reaches out and tugs my beard, chattering loudly
>pouts and turns her back
>reach a hand up and poke between her wings
>”We’ll look around on the way, okay?”
>she turns, smiling
>chatters, hugs my finger 
>this fairy
>take a good look
>those huge towers near the center look like the ticket
>what with the
>um
>shiny
>silver stuff
>and the weird dome on the tallest one
>ready my rifle
>I don’t see any enemies this place is just spooky and it makes me feel confident

4/4/20

>god those stairs took like
>an hour
>to climb down
>check my watch
>nope
>ten minutes
>”Did that feel like a long time to you too?”
>Ding pokes her head out of my pocket
>shrugs
>climbs back in
>I continue on through a nice pair of gates
>the road is busted up
>the silver cobblestones are cracked and worn
>that is when I notice what is really gone
>the elf city, Elnorin, is much like this place
>save for one thing
>that feeling is gone
>the feeling of safety, of calm that seemed to radiate in that place
>instead I feel a cold
>something off
>unnatural
>Ding, as though to confirm my suspicions, climbs out of my pocket
>she hugs my neck and starts chattering
>”Don’t worry. I feel it too. I also feel gas. We shouldn’t have packed nothing but beans.”
>I start considering what the wizard said
>”A place elves are not able to be”
>what does that mean
>think back to Elnorin
>Loreli and Ellior acted much more calm there
>they both sleep better
>and seem generally well at ease
>maybe elves are more sensitive to that aura?
>Loreli said once that elves have an instinctual fear of things connected to this war
>places where elves died in droves
>that could be it
>I just feel off, whereas an elf would feel like they’re in some abyss
>enemy territory

>the buildings are tall
>the windows that remain are made out of a whitish glass
>my footsteps echo in the streets
>it’s so damn quiet
>no birds, no wind
>just the signs of something horrible
>a shattered storefront is down the road from a broken barricade, rusted remains of cannons sitting abandoned by the city’s defenders
>I’m walking around when I hear something
>movement in one of the tall buildings around me
>that feeling of fear shoots to ten
>I freeze
>I think I see movement in a window
>Ding bites my ear
>OW
>THANK YOU
>snap out of it
>raise my FAL and shatter the silence with a few shots
>the window turns to dust
>no body
>no scream of pain
>no counter attack
>I must be losing it
>for a moment I feel an icy cold
>the stares of dead eyes from every window around me
>whispers from a dying orc
>laughter
>my laughter
>then it’s quiet again
>I need to get out of this city
>every instinct is screaming at me
>I just have to get to that tower
>get the thing
>get back

>I groan
>flittering around me, Ding is dancing and cheering
>give one last pull and the slab of rubble tumbles to the side
>a building had been toppled onto the street, the rubble blocking my path
>okay 
>now I can climb down into some kind of service tunnel
>jamming the blade of my saber into the seam of the access hatch, I push down
>pop
>climbing down, I remove my goggles and find myself in a circular tunnel
>the air smells old and stale
>there’s a weird static that tickles my nose
>veins of glowing crystal run overhead, humming low
>there’s still magic here
>reaching out, I find metal pipes to my right
>okay this will help me navigate
>I go in the direction I was heading, hoping to find another hatch soon
>”No skaven, no monsters, nothing down here, right?”
>my voice echoes
>Ding climbs into my pocket, and grabs something
>she flits in front of me and struggles to light my zippo
>oh right
>it’s dark
>take the zippo from her, switching from my rifle to my shotgun to have a hand free
>cling-tshck
>the flame lights up the tunnel pretty well
>I can’t tell if it’s just the flickering light
>but it looked like something moved around a corner in the distance

>GOD THIS IS HEAVY
>AHHHH
>pop
>okay
>toss the hatch upwards and away from the hole
>okay it wasn’t that heavy
>it just had a skeleton in armor on top of it
>bones clatter and armor clags as they fall with the hatch
>sorry bud
>I hope that wasn’t someone Kalcium knew
>wait why didn’t I bring Kalcium
>the tone in this place wouldn’t be so morbid and thought provoking
>feel movement in my pocket
>oh right
>promised Ding we’d have a just us adventure
>still this place is creepy
>ask Ding to go into my backpack and make sure my ammo is in order
>just in case
>I had her at ammo
>climbing out of the tunnel system I pull on my goggles
>they’re cool looking I swear
>maybe I should get some ray bans or something
>the light is starting to dim already
>it’s either late afternoon or the whole
>sheer cliff face
>thing
>is blocking light
>either way we should find shelter
>I am not sleeping in those tunnels
>ain’t no vietcong ghost bullshit gonna get me 
>or my fairy
>and most importantly the loot I got

>okay
>this has to be it
>the massive chamber I’m in is covered in carvings
>the marble walls
>the far-up ceiling 
>even the floor
>I can’t read any of it
>I think this was some sort of lab
>Ding and I had to take a long route and and through the huge building
>saw the moon from the tower
>there was some form of observatory
>I looked through the telescope that hadn’t moved in millenia
>saw something
>something
>I can’t really wrap my mind around
>my temples throb when I try 
>Ding looks at me weird
>I don’t think she can fully understand it either
>I don’t entirely want to try.
>so I jot down some notes in my journal and go on

>after that we went through some kind of workshop
>half-assembled automata all around
>fucking elf robots
>the parts look like the dwarves made them
>I definitely recognize the look of the weird alloy bars
>dwarves make good shit
>drag a thumb along the bars and smile
>still oiled
>fucking dwarves
>this is clearly some kind of magic fueled machine shop
>among the bones on the floor are metal chips
>a familiar feeling
>the smell never leaves you
>Ding is having a good time
>she likes oil and metal
>she emerged from my coat pocket with her face flushed as we left
>eventually, we got to the rune chamber
>really far down
>my legs fucking hurt
>I’ll take a big sit when I’m done here

>okay according to the weird magic thing the wizard gave me
>basically a ring that vibrates when I am near my goal
>why didn’t I mention that earlier?
>hahahahhahahahha
>no
>don’t question it
>just gotta get through these golden metal doors
>they’re covered in the same runes as the rest of the chamber
>about 20 feet in diameter
>a vault I guess
>scratches and dents in the metal imply I’m not the first to try to get in
>Ding looks at me, and waves her arms while pointing at the door
>”Yeah. I have an idea.”
>clear my throat 
>point my hands at the door
>”OPEN NOW”
>stand there for a minute
>fucking wall of orange dicks
>that’s all I got

>inspect the door
>maybe it has some kind of lock or 
>I don’t know 
>magic keycard scanner
>security clearances must’ve existed for elves right
>find an odd recess in the center
>the shape looks very familiar
>dig around in my pockets
>aha
>the weird medallion I took from that dead elf we found in the Kobold
>er
>elf
>technically
>escape passage
>I mean this thing is pretty fancy and so was his armor
>what are the odds right
>press it into the slot
>the circle around the recess clicks inwards a bit, light flowing along the runes
>twist it
>the entire room glows
>and the door rolls to the side
>great
>more stairs

>I find myself in a perfectly round room
>a massive empty sphere cut into the stone
>neat
>the walls are covered in more glowing runes
>enough to light up the entire chamber
>in the center of the sphere is a floating platform
>there’s a covered object under a cloth sitting on a central pedestal
>everything seems to have been cut from the same stone
>no corners
>smooth
>weird
>as I step into the chamber I feel a pull on my hip
>looking down, it looks like my sword is being repelled
>think a magnet being repulsed by another magnet
>weird
>Ding looks at me questioningly
>I shrug
>magic bullshit
>remove it from my side, laying it in the hall outside
>don’t fucking go anywhere now
>try again
>other than an odd tingle no issues
>the air in here almost feels heavy
>the pulsing golden glow of the runes makes me pull my shotgun
>no traps
>please
>I forgot my bullwhip at home

>look up at the platform
>how am I supposed to get up there
>look around at the floor
>”See anything Ding? Like a button or a rope?”
>she puts her hands up over her eyes and squints around.”
>chatters at me and shrugs
>thanks
>take a closer look at the floor
>there’s a circular glyph with what looks like the outline of a boot on it
>here goes nothing
>hold my shotty tight for luck and tap my foot on the glyph
>it blinks a few times
>the platform floats downwards
>the curved bottom of it fits into the floor of the sphere with a soft thump
>the edges are curved 
>no corners
>just a smooth surface
>nothing but a slight crack all round to show it wasn’t just the flat bottom of the chamber
>take a careful look at the area around the pedestal
>a series of circles are around it
>many symbols
>wizard stuff.
>can’t be mistaken.
>Ding looks nervous as I raise a foot
>pass it over the outermost circle
>”AHHHHHHHHHH!” 
>clap
>put my foot down with nothing bad occurring
>phew
>heart pounding
>okay 
>only 6 more rings to go

>my throat hurts
>the scream as you step over the rings is necessary adventuring procedure
>good thing my hearing is pretty fucked already
>start to reach out for the cloth
>wait
>what if there’s like
>a bear trap or something
>reach out with my prosthetic hand
>the cloth disintegrates into dust and fibers as I pull it aside
>hear Ding “ooooh” on my shoulder
>sitting there is an incredibly fine looking box, made of dark wood and gilded with golden patterns
>looking at the box on the plinth she starts yanking my ear and pointing excitedly
>as she rubs her hands together, giggling, and starts to flitter forwards I grab her by her clothes
>”Ding that thing could like, teleport you, or like, explode! It could be a horrible rape mimic like the Dwarves used to warn us about!”
>she gives me an incredulous look
>shrugs
>cackles and starts flitting towards the box with her hands outstretched
>she grabs the seam of the lid and flits her wings
>she strains and pulls
>it doesn’t budge
>she gives me an annoyed look as I burst out laughing
>crosses her arms and puffs up her cheeks
>”Fine. I’ll help.”
>grab the little firefly and put her back on my shoulder
>she yanks my ear again
>”What?”
>chatters something incoherent and pokes my cheek
>”Okay, I’m sorry for laughing.”
>she chatters again, and points at the box, excitement 
>or greed
>evident on her face

>what is inside the box, sitting on deep blue velvet of some kind is a stone slab
>it is a light blue color
>if you paint 40k I’d say it’s something like a lighter shade of Hoeth Blue
>it’s about a foot and a half long
>with a smooth surface
>it’s in a rectangular shape with worn edges
>it was clearly old before the ten thousand stay in the box
>as I reach out and touch it the symbols etched into its surface glow a dim green
>weird feathery symbols in cramped rows cover the surface
>very uniform
>the bottom half is covered by a series of lines and vertices
>several spheres
>2 large
>3 smaller
>almost like…
>huh
>as I look at it the etchings seem to ripple and move
>it’s so little I can’t really tell if it’s just my hands or eyes
>the “writing” covers the sides and back too
>between the rows seem to be different symbols
>they’re similar
>kinda looks elvish
>well all I really know in elvish is shit like bathroom and food
>so
>yeah this is pretty neat
>should probably make camp in that observation tower
>that telescope could be a little interesting

>Ding and I exit the ravine into the bright midday light 
>after swearing and fumbling with my goggles I dig around in my pockets
>where is it
>ask Ding where the scroll thing is
>she shrugs 
>what does that mean 
>check my back pocket
>aha
>no wait
>that’s just a drawing of Loreli’s butt
>nice
>show it to Ding
>she approves

>check my coat’s inside pocket 
>aha
>pull out a scroll
>you know 
>looks like it’s been buried in a pile of dirt
>has some leather cord bound around it
>hums with magic energy 
>the usual fantasy bullshit
>this will open a rift to the city
>I couldn’t use it in the other city
>something about mana fields and WiFi passwords 
>hear rustling in the bushes
>oh god oh fuck
>a large fur covered creature shuffles out of the shadows
>oh wait I have guns
>as I point my FAL at the thing it emerges
>it’s that fucking giant cat man
>ridiculously large MAC-10 held in his hand
>paw
>thing
>”Oh. Um. Hi?”
>it stares at me
>it’s wearing some very nice sunglasses
>”Are those Ray-Bans?”
>Ding waves at him
>chatters
>he nods at her
>rears his arm back
>this nigga got beans
>oh fuck not again

>where am I
>ahhhh
>I reach up
>rub a bump on my head
>I feel like I’ve been hit by a train
>shudder at the word
>fucking trains
>look around
>oh hey
>I’m in a white stone room
>this is the wizard’s room
>the portal scroll must’ve worked
>evidently it was also a bumpy ride
>everything hurts
>had some weird dreams too
>hear groggy grumbling in my pocket
>oh hey Ding is here too
>”Did that cat bonk you too?”
>she just sorta grumbles and hugs into my neck
>she sounds confused
>welcome to the club
>I am the head

 11/12/20

>”Okay… this goes here… this goes there…”
>the wizard’s backside pokes out from the back of the throne
>sparks fly out from behind there and he yells
>is he fucking dead
>”Are you fucking dead?”
>”I don’t think so?”
>after a few more moments the floor shudders and he yells triumphantly
>what does this even do
>I asked him
>he rambled for like five minutes about magical gobbledigook
>asked the Dutchess
>she gave me a look that says she thinks I’m dumb
>so I guess I’ll just see
>turns out all they needed from that tablet was some diagrams it could give
>I brought them a fucking manual
>great
>at least I got paid
>half
>they said the other half was letting me keep the armor bits I 
>found
>in the city

>you’re probably wondering where Loreli, Ellior, and the Countess have gone
>they went to applebees
>that’s right
>there is an impending war and they go to applebees
>they have armor so I guess it’s fine
>they better bring me leftovers.

   11/30/20

>”Oh hey the rape wagons.”
>”The WHAT.”
>”Look over there.”
>the elf soldier I’m standing next to looks where I’m pointing, squinting into the binoculars
>”O-oh…”
>”Fucked up right?”
>feel a pebble hit me in the back
>turn to see Loreli
>”There’s an issue.”
>sigh
>give my binoculars back to soldier boy
>”Say what now?”
>the orc leader wants the “Iron hand” to face him
>”No way he means me.”
>Loreli holds up the letter that had been tied to a goblin and launched at the fortress
>describing me
>”Nope. Never heard of that guy.”
>she turns it around
>it’s a very well done drawing of me
>nudge one of the elves in the “war room”
>”I think they’re talking about you.”
>Loreli sighs
>”Okay. I’ll be serious Lor, I’m just supposed to pit fight an orc warlord slash “avatar of war”?”
>”It’s not the most crazy thing you’ve ever done…”
>she doesn’t look excited either
>she’s hiding it well but I can tell she’s scared
>”We will pay you?” Auntie Dutchess offers
>man stress can really take its toll on an elf
>”If you kill their leader, they will fracture. This is a… religious crusade?”
>yeah, Lightskin said that some of the lesser groups and warbands do this
>there is actual orc civilization
>”All you can eat applebees here in the city, and 3 chests of gold.”
>my terms were acceptable
>easily
>fucking hell I shoulda asked for more

>messengers were sent back and forth
>yup
>I have a fight
>it was decided that the siege will be “lifted”
>aka a temporary cease fire
>and an area outside the wall is chosen for the fight
>I’m going to fight in a moat that was drained
>okay enter, shoot with the annihilator, win
>the dutchess replaces my armor bits will good shit
>master crafted plate
>it’s really just my old plate but shinier and with some gold engravings
>I have to give it back “If I live”
>thanks dick
>okay 
>oh there he is
>he throws off a large cloak made from the pelt of an exotic beast
>his red iron armor ripples with ancient magic, a roaring face on the chestplate
>his 7 foot tall form is a mass of red iron, pelts, and green muscle
>he waves at his adoring people
>female orcs at the side of the moat are splorching
>shrieking
>one calls him dad
>oh god
>I just sorta wave at the elves
>a few of them clap
>Ellior waves a “GO ANON” flag and blowing an air horn
>and Loreli looks worried and waves at me
>Ding is sitting on her shoulder cheering 
>waving around some dandelions like pom poms
>I know she’s running a racketeering scheme
>Loreli waves for my attention
>throws something at me
>it’s a gray cloth
>ha I know my knight shit
>tie it around my prosthetic’s wrist and salute the elves
>a few of the women seem to like it 
>”Go get him Lady Elnoryn’s slave!” one calls
>dammit I’m still wearing the collar

>the Orc leader has a big ass axe with a spas-12 mated to the haft
>the haft is just one long bone
>he hits a switch 
>it’s a giant chain-axe
>great I’m about to get raped by Kharn
>draw the black sword along with the annihilator
>if I’m just gonna shoot him I’ll do it with the cool sword in my hand
>people have cameras and girls are watching
>he sees the tiny derringer in my hand
>laughs at me
>oh I’ll laugh at you in a minute when you’re DEAD
>raise the derringer
>rings of power glow around in
>light is dimmed around me as it absorbs mana
>as it grows nearly too hot to hold I pull the trigger
>click
>huh
>oh
>o-oh
>dud bullet

>shit
>he roars and charges as I fumble the derringer to try and reload
>slams into me hard enough to send me flying
>the Annihilator flies from my hand, the dud round falling out of the open breach
>slam into the wall of the moat
>barely bring my sword up in time to block the axe
>oh fuck
>deflect it to the side and duck a punch
>his arm goes elbow deep in the fucking cobblestones
>fuck that
>duck around under his arm and swing the sword
>it bounces off his armor
>it only made a small gash
>I can see his abs I didn’t even scratch him
>huh
>he turns around and punches me in the chest hard enough to dent the plate
>sends me flying back
>land hard
>well I’m dead
>or am I
>TIME TO USE THE ANCIENT MARTIAL ART TAUGHT TO ME IN MY CHILDHOOD
>reach into my pocket
>justasplanned.jpg
>throw sand at him
>he yells and staggers back 
>works every time
>only works for an instant
>he roars, dropping the axe and lunging, lifting me off the ground by my fuck slave collar
>he looks me in the face, teeth clenched and eyes looking mildly in need of eye drops
>”E-ever play Devil May Cry featuring Dante from Devil May Cry?” I croak out
>”What?”
>jackpot
>fire the newly reloaded Annihilator into the hole in his chestplate

>BANG
>he grunts
>looks annoyed
>explodes into a red mist
>get painted red and launched 
>hit the lip and flip end over end into the orc side
>ow…
>my fucking bones hurt
>the blood kinda tingles
>hopefully I’m absorbing his latent power
>and not AIDS
>roll over
>I think my shoulder is dislocated
>I think everything is dislocated
>that hurt
>maybe Loreli can fix me up
>feel myself being lifted up
>okay gotta wipe off my lips to kiss my wifey for victory
>wait a minute
>my back was to the orc side
>wipe off my face as I hear cheering 
>oh good lord I think I’m being kidnapped
>again
>”ANOOOOOON” I hear in the distance as I’m carried away by cheering orcs

>get taken before a big robed orc with a skull mask
>start panicking on the table
>why can’t I breathe
>the edges of my vision grow dim and my arm throbs
>my missing arm hurts
>his mask looks like the thing that took it
>”Relax.”
>he mutters some weird robes and touches my shoulder
>OW OW OW
>shoulder relocates with a loud pop
>”The elves have been told. We will heal you. As custom.”
>he chuckles
>”I will heal again. After women come.”
>what

  12/14/20

>Loreli smiles as I row, eyes twinkling
>twin pools of emerald and aquamarine
>beautiful 
>her hair is down, and she wears a simple silk gown
>a gold band sparkles in her finger as she produces an ornate golden goblet
>as I put away the oars she dips the gauntlet in the water
>she takes a sip of the crystal clear water
>holds it out to me, our hands holding it together
>nothing can ruin this moment
>”My love...”
>EEEEKEKEKEEEK EEEEK OOOK
>what the fuck
>BOOM
>water rains down all around us
>it’s that fucking monkey with his hand grenades
>wake up
>dammit

>freak out for a moment
>so many green skinned women
>so many strangely well defined abdominals
>the only well defined abdominals I can see are Loreli’s 
>somehow we shifted around so much that her legs are wrapped around my torso
>she’s curled up and breathing into my hair, with her arms loosely wrapped around my neck and shoulders
>this leaves me with a face full of her toned stomach
>nice
>how the fuck did we get in this position
>the cart we’re in hits a bump 
>she grumbles
>grabs tighter
>this could be worse
>just wish the vampire driving the cart wouldn’t hit bumps


>”Hold still. I’ll get a towel.”
>rummage around in my backpack, wiping the splatters off my jeans first
>”Uwah, Anon… it’s all over my faaaace…”
>the countess wipes her eyes clean
>”You got it in my eyessssss…”
>gasps
>”It tastes so bad…”
>hold fucking still
>smack prosthetic against wall to make it let go of the crushed sunscreen tube
>it got fucking everywhere
>why couldn’t Ellior help her
>they’re sharing her carriage for fucks sakes

>”Where’s Ding?”
>Ellior shrugs, chewing on the deer meat one of the Countess’ guards got 
>killed it with his bare hands
>drained the blood into a barrel for the vampires
>they say it has a rich flavor
>walk around to the cart
>hear clinking
>open the cart
>Loreli and Ding are sitting in the chest of gold and silver coins the elves gave us
>look like scrooge mcduck
>or Huel from breaking bad
>I can’t blame them
>though it’ll likely be spent of ammo, house renovations, and amazon orders
>Ellior pointed out that “anything is legal” out by where we live
>nudged my arm a few times
>oh I get what she’s saying
>I didn’t even realize that
>she has the libertarian spirit she does
>made me realize I don’t have to pay taxes
>fuck you elf tax collectors

>”You act very human for an elf.”
>Loreli sorta looks up at me, nuzzled into me
>”What do you mean?”
>I shrug, stroking her arm with my prosthetic 
>the hand isn’t there anymore, but sometimes it’s like I can almost feel things 
>like wearing a thick glove 
>”Aren’t elves very long lived? You just act very human a lot of the time.”
>”I’ll take that as a compliment. Maybe you just act like an elf.”
>guess I’ll take that as a compliment
>”I guess we elves learn to enjoy the little things, it’s easy to overlook them. Miss those moments…”
>she nuzzles closer, trailing off
>I think I know what’s bothering her
>”I’m sorry. I’ve lied about something.”
>her look is something between puzzled and angry
>”I’m not 37. I’m 25.”
>she lets out a breath I didn’t notice she was holding
>nuzzles me a little tighter, relief stretching across her almost delicate features
>we’re having more little moments than she thought
>more time

>talking with the elves is a little eye opening
>learned a bit about their culture, with some insight from Countess on how it was ten thousand years ago
>elves aren’t as autistic about bows as the memes make them out to be
>most of that comes from elves who dedicated centuries to mastering on particular skill
>elves tend to prefer things like spears and swordsmanship 
>”Yeah. My sister is the better swordsman.”
>Loreli stood drinking like she noticed she spilled a secret
>swears under her breath and looks away
>Ellior asks about her sister 
>I didn’t even know
>”She’s just a soft city elf. Naturally skilled and all that horseshit.”
>oh I get it
>jealousy?
>”You have any siblings Ellior?”
>she tilts her head, thinking 
>says maybe some half siblings 
>closest to a sister is a friend she had at the academy she basically grew up at
>her “big sister”
>”What about you Ding?” I ask to avoid questions about my own past
>Ding shrugs and holds up a few fingers
>nice

>yell and duck behind one of the Countess’ luggage trunks
>bullets impact the trunk
>Loreli throws herself over the luggage barricade 
>flips
>lands in a crouch beside me
>now is not the time to show off
>peek over to see one of the Countess’ silver armored guards dodge a sword blow and bring his bayoneted rifle around to decapitate the man attacking him
>man
>human
>the guard is already riddled with bullet wounds
>vampires
>next to him, another guard takes a bayonet charge to the gut, grabbing the man’s head in his gauntleted hands and crushing it like fruit
>Ding flits into my shoulder, gasping from a panicked flight
>she starts chattering and waving her hands
>”She says Ellior and the Countess are trapped in the carriage.”
>peek over the barricade into the chaotic melee around us
>3 men bayonet charge one of the guards, overwhelming him and sending him burning into a screaming pile of ash, plate, and bone as one hits his heart
>the carriage is about 10 yards away, sagging where it’s front right wheel fell into a hole
>a trap
>I’ve never fought human bandits
>not like this

>put the shotgun away and reach for my FAL
>pop up
>fire a burst at a charging maniac with an axe
>he drops, his momentum sending him forwards into the barricade
>Loreli flinches beside me as the barricade shakes with the impact
>humans
>I guess we are squishier than orcs
>we decide to sprint for it
>grab an antique kite shield from the countess’ things
>the luggage cart had been knocked over by a massive Boulder the bandits had sent down the hill
>we’re currently hiding in the wreckage
>we should have taken the path by that river
>tell Loreli to stay behind me as I raise the shield and draw the blacksword 
>leap over the barricade
>the first pair of bandits to charge us gets riddled with shots by Loreli
>one gets close, I block his pain addled swing with the shield and slash him from hip to neck
>the next obstacle was a bandit with a mossberg
>the blast blows chunks of wood from the shield and sends me sprawling
>Loreli gets him as he racks the next shell
>drags me to my feet 
>as we approach the carriage we get jumped by another guy
>this one has a sword and shield
>he leaps from the top of the carriage and knocks Loreli over
>grapple him to get him away from her
>manage to spin and throw him against the side of the carriage
>before I can attack him the white wood sends out a shower of splinters as a pair of pale arms are shoved through
>the countess’ skin blisters in the sun as she drags the screaming man in
>his legs kick outside for a few moments before seizing and going limp
>you know she’s pretty scary 

>glance at Ding 
>she mimes a pouncing predatory spider
>I agree
>let’s hope Ellior didn’t see that
>she has nightmares already
>the body is shoved back out through the hole by arms that are already healing, despite the light
>his head is nearly wrenched all the way around, neck torn open, nearly decapitated
>both shoulders are twisted in an unnatural angle, broken by being grabbed and dragged in
>puncture wounds like those left by a knife show where her fingers sank in, to the knuckle
>his skin in a deathly shade of gray devoid of blood
>a pale face, framed by white hair looks out of the hole
>her entire mouth and the entire front of her white sleeping gown is stained a deep crimson
>her eyes glow a similar shade
>a pair of shining fangs glint in her mouth, fully extended and pricking her lower lips as she pants
>she smiles and waves
>”Hello friends! It is good to see you are alive!”
>h-hello
>she somehow went from a face seen in my nightmares 
>to being cute again in an instant

>”How’s it going out there?”
>look over to see armor burst from the toppled luggage carriage and grab a bandit
>he then rears back and throws him against another bandit, two broken bodies carving furrows into the ground
>”Decently.”
>the Countess did something 
>essentially dominated the wills of her guards and made them fight as one
>it was a bloodbath
>like predators fighting prey
>the Countess unlatches her mouth from the throat of a bandit, panting
>beneath the wide brimmed hat she had pulled on her eyes glowed darker
>twin coals
>she looks at me and smiles
>the whole thing set off a bloodlust in all of the vampires
>we were assured they wouldn’t lay a finger on us
>ended up taking shelter in the carts until the sun went down
>”So…”
>”Yes Ellior?”
>”Vampires are a little scary.”
>”Yes?”
>Ellior looks conflicted
>she is pretty close with the countess
>but for her own safety she’s staying with Loreli and I
>naturally I’m taking the floor
>Countess would never hurt Ellior
>but she told me that her “pure, unviolated scent” would make her control hard for now
>she hadn’t drank that deep from a living thing in decades
>must taste 
>fresh?
>vampires man
>I should write down more thing about them
>according to Ellior Mev has a very high body temperature
>she’d keep the cart warm just by being in it
>there have been some cold nights
>guess one way to keep the chill away is to cuddle a vampire
>who knew

>some of the Countess’ “road blood” was destroyed in the tipping of the cargo cart
>fuck
>after a few nights of debate it was settled
>the guards would drink the blood we had packed
>and Countess will have a blood bag
>me
>I’m the blood bag
>the first drinking was weird to say the least
>something about blood given being very personal, or valued
>something along those lines
>apparently it sustains a bit more too
>it feels weird
>kinda like a blood drive
>warm
>made sure I wouldn’t become a vampire
>”Only if you drink some of my blood silly!”
>Loreli stopped watching after the third feeding
>so it’s up to me to keep her from going overboard
>decided on a spot on my shoulder
>she leans over, pulls my shirt aside, and bites
>hurts a bit
>after a few seconds she’s done, I drink some of the canned fruit juice we have packed, and she’s good for a few days
>the first time she licked the wound after made me jump
>touched the spot
>not a scratch
>note to self if I get shot have Countess spit on it

1/24/20

>whooo finally
>the remaining carts roll through the swaying plains
>the sun is about to go down, the familiar golden light pouring over the mountains
>almost home
>roll into town
>huh
>things have changed a bit
>there are a few soda machines over by the general store
>and what looks like an old Street Fighter game cabinet
>cool
>there are also more humans
>looks like the town hired some guards
>see a funny little fairy mascot on the side of a jeep
>”Sparkling Brass”
>oh hey these guys
>I wonder if Ding’s little friend is flitting around
>first stop, the general store 
>groceries
>carts pull up, and a few of the countess’ guards gather around the door
>lower the stairs
>one pulls out a fucking bugle
>plays a little tune
>opens the door
>she steps out dressed like one of those fancy ladies you see in an old western
>purple cloth and red lace trim
>parasol
>Ellior and I look like the two members of the group who didn’t dress up for a medieval festival or something
>I mean Ding too but fairies don’t really wear much
>as we walk over she turns to us 
>”H-howdy!”
>double over laughing
>I am used to Loreli doing that
>but this is something else
>she looks a little indignant and slaps the arm of a guard who is clearly holding his own giggles in
>tell her she looks cute in that and ask if she’ll pay for groceries

>”YOU!”
>oh fuck what now
>my arms are full of bags
>a lot of groceries
>bread
>eggs
>instant ramen
>arizona green tea
>green tea leaves because Loreli is a tea nerd
>the usual
>awkwardly shuffle around to look at whoever yelled
>oh hey it’s an elf 
>don’t know what I expected
>the voice was a woman and we tend to run into those
>and it’s an ELF city
>looks a little familiar
>”Who-”
>”NOT YOU.”
>oh thank God 
>I didn’t want to be shot right when I got home
>do I know her
>there’s something about her face
>has pale blonde hair
>green-blue eyes
>is
>is that the dril hair style
>that exists
>she has some long thin sword on her back
>and on the front is 
>barely contained in some fancy white clothing
>massive 
>um
>orbs
>the voluptuous elf woman grabs my arm and pushes me aside
>fumble a bag
>OH NO MY BREADSTICKS
>points at Loreli
>Loreli drops her bags and stomps over
>cringe as I hear something shatter
>MY WINE GLASSES
>they get in each other’s faces
>”Oh. So you decided to get your pampered little city girl ass out here. And you’re walking on the dirt. I wouldn’t have expected that.”
>”Yes this place is just as filthy as I’d expect from you. Plenty of humans around too. I hope you packed your kneepads when you came out here you rough-skinned degenerate.”
>this goes on and gets more and more vicious
>devolves into shrill elven yelling
>she points at me
>”IS THAT SCRUFFY RAGAMUFFIN YOUR SLAVE?”
>does the “OOOH-HOO-HO” laugh
>hand in front of the mouth and all
>Ellior pipes up
>”I put the collar on him!”
>NOT NOW ELLIOR
>WRITE YOUR FANFICTIONS LATER
>”No, he is mine.” Loreli retorts
>IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE
>there’s a crowd watching
>they’re whispering about the collar
>I’m about to make the headless massacre look like a play date
>keep watching helplessly
>this is the worst I just wanted to get my mail and go home
>maybe touch Loreli’s butt
>definitely touch my guns
>feel a tap on my shoulder
>it’s Mayor Saunders
>how did Colonel Sanders sneak up on me
>”This is bad.” I say
>Ding waves from my shoulder, where she has been making amused noises and eating some jerky
>Mayor Saunders shakes his head
>”This will go on a while…”
>sighs
>”They do take after their mother.”
>what now


>leave Loreli to erm
>catch up
>with her family
>take my fairy and other elf to go pick up the mail
>countess and her guard are sorta sight seeing
>I guess
>because there’s a lot to see around her
>well
>it is pretty nice 
>she’ll probably crawl in my window while I’m asleep for a 
>bite 
>later
>finally at the post office
>can only hear faint elf yelling in the distance 
>run into an aging elf woman
>crows feet and a tiny bit of gray in her fair hair
>never opens her eyes
>she works at the tavern 
>she’s known as Nimsie
>or Milf depending on who you talk to
>her grandson helped me run some clown goblins out of the woods nearby
>good kid
>only has nine fingers now
>damn clowns
>warfare changd
>and it honks
>Loreli had asked her to water the plants while we were gone
>including the deer thing
>that pulls our cart
>oh fucking dammit it’s back home we’ll have to walk

>”Oh Anon how are you?”
>tell Milf that our trip was interesting
>glad to be home
>”Well I got kidnapped and then there was a war.”
>ask her how the house is
>she says it’s all in perfect order 
>”That young lady you hired is sweet.”
>before I can ask she’s alreafy off with her husband, the local carpenter
>that’s weird we didn’t hire Ellior
>”Anon!”
>Ellior trips out the door with her arms filled with packages 
>Ding flits around pushing against tipping boxes
>oh I probably should’ve gone in to help her 
>instead of talking
>to milf
>help Ellior and we start on the walk home
>let’s hope the sun doesn’t go down before we get there

>”Dammit the sun went down.”
>”We’re almost there anon!”
>huff and continue walking
>wasn’t that much mail and I was able to throw most in a trash bag from my pack
>but fuck man
>moving out where no law man or anything could rule me was nice and all
>bunch of land
>but not when you don’t have a car
>why
>why don’t I have a car
>or a truck 
>I should get a truck
>dammit but then the elves will want me to teach them how to drive
>see something against the last light of the horizon 
>smoke
>oh god my house
>wait 
>see the house up ahead
>man it’s a nice house
>the lights even look pretty
>wait
>lights
>the kitchen window is open
>THAT SMELLS SO GOOD
>someone’s in my house
>and they’re cooking my food

>”Anon! Look!”
>oh hey it’s a deer
>a giant deer
>like the size of a horse
>and made of plants
>oh it’s the thing that pulls our cart
>that’s weird it doesn’t usually mov—
>it charges me and bowls me over
>Ellior yells and I wave for her to run to the house
>feel something wrap around my stomach
>oh hey
>a vine
>scream in a deep and manly way as vines wrap all around my body and hoist me into the air
>FAL is pinned to my back and my shotgun falls to the ground as I’m flipped upside down 
>get spun a few times
>I’m gonna puke
>it suddenly stops
>still hanging upside down I see someone run out of the house
>vision is spinning and it’s dark but I make out a feminine shape and dark hair
>Ellior runs at her
>that’s right Ellior get the witch who corrupted my loyal chia pet
>Ellior jumps and wraps her arms around what I can see is another elf
>they fall to the ground and roll
>yeah Ellior rip her fucking heart out
>why are they hugging
>is that laughter

>get dropped by the deer when Ellior points up at me
>laying there
>wondering what I’ve done
>ask which of the many things I’ve done is connected to this
>hear sniffing
>oh great did the coyotes wander back onto the property
>I swear if the elves want to keep one again
>”Hello?”
>the voice sounds feminine
>very
>tomboyish
>weird annunciation of the end of the word
>like she’s learning English
>elvish accent…
>turn my head with a groan
>Ellior is kneeling at my side with another elf
>looks about like
>19ish
>dark hair the ends mid neck
>tanned
>large orbs 
>yeah that’s a wood elf
>in a school uniform of some kind
>she fucking sniffs me
>”Are you okay?”
>groan and push myself up
>was laying in the stupid family guy death pose
>Ellior excitedly leans forward
>”This is my big sister! From school!”
>ask why she’s here
>Ellior looks confused too
>says she was supposed to visit after graduating 
>”But I sent her this letter saying we’d been gone!”
>Ellior digs a crumpled envelope out of her bag and points at it
>stare at her
>Ding starts cackling so hard she falls to the ground
>keep staring until she realizes her mistake and turns beet red 
>dumbass
>ask the wood elf her name
>Melany’Dryn
>okay Melany
>ask if there’s any more surprise elves today
>they both shrug
>help me up
>next thing I know I have a plate of food in front of me
>Melany is apologizing profusely for
>assaulting me 
>I don’t even understand how she did it
>they argue a little about Ellior’s total show of retardation
>turns out Melany got here late so it’s only been about a week
>okay good 
>she’s actually cleaned up a bit
>been watering the plants
>including the one that kicked my ass
>I’ll have to have a grudge match with that fuckin thing later
>or make it my designated pissing bush

>Loreli sinks into the bath with me
>ahhhh
>been missing this bath
>expensive porcelain
>the plumbing is dwarf made so it was expensive 
>though it is funny how having a house built in a literal fantasy land on the frontier cost less than a house in the 2010s
>fucking boomers
>”Hey Loreli do elf boomers exist?”
>she looks back from scrubbing her arm
>fuckin claw marks from a fight with her sister
>”What do you mean? Like exploding elves?”
>”Old, controlling, self-interested to the point of ruining things.”
>she shrugs
>”Maybe it’s a human thing Anon.”
>yeah they definitely have boomers
>I’ll just google it later
>she leans back and turns her face to look at me
>seeing her without a patch is weird
>we had looked into healing magic but they didn’t work
>the eye that is in there is blind
>cloudy sea green
>doesn’t move much
>like regrowing a limb
>I feel my stump throb in sympathy and I glance over at my arm next to the sink
>she wears the patch to hide what she’s lost
>”It helps with my image. Rough’n’tough gunslinger who’s taken some hits.”
>I accept that knowing how she really feels 

>”So you dropped out?”
>Ellior nervously rubs the back of her head
>hahawellmaybe.jpg
>munch on the pancakes her friend made
>fluffy yet crispy
>do we have a maid now?
>okay so apparently a lot of elves go off on adventure or something in their teens
>less white women “finding themselves” more
>competent 
>able to actually make decisions 
>well sometimes
>fucked up things still happen a lot
>I decide to ask about elf schooling
>I still remember high school
>since elves live a long time schooling is more what is necessary to know
>it’s not taken as overly serious like humans do it
>I guess when your populations aren’t cannon fodder tier making teens commit the off switch isn’t good long term
>there are colleges and such but elves aren’t so rushed unless they find a path they have a true talent in
>it’s where you find wizards and craftsmen who haven’t done anything else in 89 years
>apprenticeships are common as are independent study
>they’re not so hung up on the special piece of paper to show they’re smart they have to prove competence
>I really wish humans lived longer

>be me
>Neumagh Anon
>in town to buy some cloudy sake
>onis have set up some big sake business in japan
>old world imports
>weird shit the old world is either mad max or all fine right now depending on where you live
>fuck you Carlos I hope you live in the bonefucker desert
>the desert that fucks you with bones
>some nerd in a fedora pulls a knife on me while I'm walking back to the used jeep we bought from that Sparkling Brass company
>oh no
>wait
>a knife
>an edged weapon
>Jon taught me about those
>pull up my FAL while holding the sake in one hand
>fire every round in the damn thing on full auto from the hip
>only 3 hit him and the rest go into the starry sky
>now that is how you survive edged weapons
>turns out that faggot had a bounty on him for raping trees and snorting sawdust in public
>spend the 30 bucks I earned on more sake
>mmm sake

5/4/21 
>walk into the kitchen with Ding
>totally not getting a snack before dinner
>I wonder what the elves are making
>what
>raw rabbit
>3 separate bowls of berries
>lettuce?
>”What are you people cooking?”
>Loreli puts down a filleting knife
>explains this is a traditional elf dish
>apparently the town finally was able to grow a special berry
>pick up one of the odd orange berries
>kinda looks like a blueberry
>has bright green leaves around the top like a strawberry
>the fuck
>pop it into my mouth 
>huh it’s kinda like
>the sourest lemon I have ever tasted
>but also kinda sweet
>unscrunch my face
>the other 2 berries are lingon and blueberries
>”Ding! This is for dinner!”
>Ellior is trying to keep Ding away from the rabbit she is filleting
>manage to figure out from Loreli and Melony
>who I have to point out is wearing a maid outfit Ellior ordered her
>that this is kinda like that dish we have on earth
>where you use citrus to “cook” fish
>that explains some of the raw meat dishes I’ve seen elves eating 
>I wonder how popular sushi is in elf cities

>it’s getting colder
>I’m in town with Ellior and Ding looking for some stuff
>new winter coats for the girls, mine is good forever
>some cool elven logs that burn a long time and glow blue
>food
>we’re running a little low on cash so I might have to take a job soon
>maybe I’ll do caravan guarding next
>I’m a good bounty hunter though
>not as good as Loreli
>maybe a Sheriff
>no
>monster hunter
>ask Ellior if she thinks I’d make a good monster hunter while we’re loading the jeep
>she asks if she could go along
>eh maybe 
>give Loreli a break from life threatening adventure
>I should spend more time with Loreli
>ask Ellior if she thinks Loreli is alright
>I can read her better than I could before but they have the girl bond
>that weird ass thing
>she says Loreli is happy
>I’m glad
>her nightmares haven’t been as bad
>maybe home life is calming
>though I gotta say a woman who can shoot 12 guys in the head in 12 trigger pulls 
>and reload her single actions faster than I can reload my FAL
>is about as attractive as a loving housewife
>I should ask her if I’d be a good monster hunter
>maybe an archeologist
>tell Ellior to remind me to order the Indiana Jones films sometime
>the shipping cost
>now that is scary

>”HE’S BACK!”
>look up from my drink as a farmer crashes into the cantina
>another elf stands up
>staggers a little
>”Helllo friend how are you?”
>the farmer smacks the drink he offers aside
>it was only shitty beer anyway
>”THE HEADLESS MAN.”
>the bar goes silent 
>a bunch of the sparkling brass Mercenaries grab their rifles
>well 
>I guess I’m obliged 
>seeing as I’m like
>well none of these guys were pinned to a building like a butterfly before
>”H-he said we have 5 days…”
>well at least we have a warning
>why would he warn us
>the farmer says he’s “here for what he left.”
>okay so the mercenaries and militia have time to get ready
>I’m glad I got a large package the other day
>just in time

>I put the drink on my tab and rush out with everyone else
>townsfolk are hurrying home
>mercenaries are barking into walkers
>passing traders are getting the fuck out of dodge
>I have to get home and get ready
>I’m low on gas
>Ding chatters at me
>what
>chatters some more and points at my sword
>touch the grip and jerk back
>it’s like
>vibrating softly 
>it’s kinda like a heartbeat
>as I touch it I feel a sudden cold in my shoulder
>the scar left by the sword burns for a moment 
>that’s not fucking spooky
>speed back
>explain the gist to the elves 
>”Why would he just come back? The town is well defended now.”
>Loreli’s words make me think
>why
>I’ll think about it later

>I lock a tube into place 
>tighten a screw 
>heft a heavy plate onto the workbench 
>I’m the only one home
>Loreli, Ellior, and Melany are in town grabbing supplies and helping out
>not sure how the damn maid would help prepare 
>maybe she can make tea
>I plug a few wires together 
>why do dwarves like these banded metal cables 
>I mean they are basically armored
>and this mana reactor is pretty neat
>lift a convey plate from the padded crate
>a thin visor shaped like an elongated cross stares back
>on the inside is a respirator with brass plug feeds
>this was sent as a prototype for me to try out
>some new type of dwarf mining gear 
>works well as armor too
>naturally they scaled it up
>how they got my exact measurements I will never know
>I’m just happy I can read the assembly diagram 
>the undersuit is comfy 
>fireproof and moisture wicking 
>inspect the insides of the plates
>spell diagrams and etchings 
>sort of a “magical programming language”
>I swear they use swastikas as plus signs
>look at the diagrams
>what are these doodles
>a jet pack?
>a spool of high tension cable?
>magnetic boots?

>I pull the cable spool out
>what the hell this is like sewing thread
>it glints like silver
>attach the spool to the hip
>reach out and shake the metal fram the armor is hanging from
>pipes lighter than steel but even stronger
>the rack doesn’t even bend
>me shaking the armor causes Ding to poke her head out the rebreather
>she smiles and waves at me
>little gremlin has grease stains on her face
>she holds out a few wires and I click them into the base of the helmet
>you can certainly tell this is a prototype by how it’s not decorated
>it’s all bare metal 
>no gilding or paint
>I lift one last thing from the crate
>the left gauntlet
>it’s heavy 
>instead of an empty glove they sent me a whole prosthetic 
>it has the same plug that lets me use my arm
>though it also looks like it is supposed to attach to the rest of the suit
>okay I have to try this thing on
>it takes 2 hours
>really wish I had at least Ellior to help
>this shit is heavy
>I turn on the mana reactor 
>I feel that fully body tingle as the arm connects me
>oh this is weird
>Ding flits around making amazed faces
>my vision is a little narrow but not too bad
>the reactor softly growls and the weird servos in the joints whir
>the sound of my breathing is a little tinny
>I feel strong
>must be the enchantments
>I tie my duster around my waist as I stride to the stairs
>the armor is too bulky to wear it
>I should get into town, apparently Loreli has a plan
>let’s hope it isn’t what usually happens
>meaning I almost die horribly and end up in a full body cast

>at meeting
>Loreli and Elen’eli are laying out Loreli’s plan
>Elen’eli is actually being useful
>pointing out flaws
>flaws which are then patched up to make the plan better
>outside a few dwarves who were in town are digging in the street
>they are dwarves and they’re digging a hole
>I wish shovel was here
>a few mercs are lugging around crates and unspooling wire
>one of them is an old black man with a beard and a straw hat
>looks like Easy Pete
>took some convincing to help defend the town
>naturally
>Loreli draws another circle on the whiteboard we brought in from the schoolhouse
>says we just need bait
>Ellior volunteers
>no we’re not using her to bait the dullahan
>everyone looks at me
>oh for fucks sakes
>I did want to confront him anyway
>glance out the window at the Sparkling Brass specialists at work
>okay fine

>several hours later we get a call on the radio from one of the scouts we had sent out
>large posse of undead varmints coming this way 
>they should arrive by high noon
>all women and children are being hidden in the town hall wine cellar
>the countess and Armor are guarding them 
>they’ll be safe
>quite a few local women couldn’t be persuaded against joining the attack 
>a few lost their husbands and sons last time
>most just want to take part in a ghost town gunfight
>good thing I ended up with the elves who discovered westerns and not lord of the rings
>as we see a shadowy mass coming over the hills everyone gets in position 
>including me
>at the end of the main road
>with the town hall’s clock behind me
>alone
>bait
>the wind blows through the abandoned street
>smell them coming
>a black fog wreathes the horde
>multiple corpses stay close to the headless man on their own undead mounts
>they’re some of the ones who originally attacked
>the mass around them are made up of many races and looks
>some fresh while others are barely more than skeletons
>some are casual others tactical
>they all have the fog flowing into openings 
>like strings
>a posse of puppets
>Ding flits in front of my face
>”Make sure they’re ready because we’re out of time.”
>she salutes and zips off
>alright
>bait


>wait until the entire mass gets where it’s supposed to
>jump backwards into a pit dug specifically for me 
>clap hands over ears and open my mouth
>FIRE IN THE HOLE
>the ground shakes so hard I’m flung against the side of the pit
>over the ringing in my ears I can barely hear it
>on every rooftop elf townsfolk and humans leap up
>every single window opens
>gun barrels all aimed at the street
>then my hearing goes the rest due to warcries, old family war horns, and mass gunfire blasting into the smoke cloud that used to be the street
>fuck me okay
>grab FAL from pit
>switch to auto
>mag dump into the cloud 
>I uh
>I don’t know if I’m like
>hitting anything
>after a few seconds a shrill whistle sounds out
>cease fire
>I quickly reload
>the cloud of dust and smoke dissipates 
>well I think we got them
>like
>there’s nothing 
>body parts
>bones
>some fire
>a weird hole in the ground 
>turns out a few sticks of dynamite and a few thousand rounds of ammo can kill ancient evils
>who knew

>it’s been 6 months since the ghost town gunfight
>ambush
>amazing plan in which I played bait