id: 369
name: VengenceKriegerStory3-Critique
author: kevkev
date: 29th April 2021
text len: 6828
views: 24

Critique of Veng's third(I think third?) Krieger story, written very late at night, 4/29/2021.


>I cast my gaze over the several reports atop my desk
>the red tinge of the augmetic left eye dulled slightly in the candle light of the room (Whomst's augmetic eye? Gotta make it clear it's the MC's augmetic eye.)
>the open window carrying(should be carried in this case) in the smells(I recommend 'smell' instead) of rain, the sounds of the storm passing overhead creating the white noise with which I work
>lifting one (add in 'of the reports') from the desk, a packet held together by a singular struggling staple, I flipped over the cover page to decipher what exactly it was
>a requisition order from the Quarter master (Quartermaster is one word I'm p. sure)
>60 lasguns 
>20 heavy stubbers
>200,000 stubber rounds
>300 Demolition packs
>I stop in(on) the last one
>reading it again as my eyebrow raises from beneath the mask
>a muted ‘hmm’ escaping my lips as I review the remainder of the packet
>all is accounted for as far as munitorum nonsense
[11:27 PM]
>after a few passes with the augmetic eye I can tell none of the signatures are falsified
>all that remains now is my signature
>looking over the list once more im(should be I'm) curious
>we have no more than 10 demolition Experts in this section
>I let out a long breath
>the pop hiss of the respirator increasing in pitch as I lift myself from the straight backed Faux Oak chair
>for a moment I catch a glimpse of myself in the small decorative mirror
>a small ‘gift’ from the local magistrate
>her(He) intended it as a bribe surely
>though much like the mirror, him(he) too is now hanging somewhere half forgotten (good concept for this line I think, though it might be able to be polished wording-wise)
>I look at the reflection for a few moments
[11:27 PM]
>the mask staring back, the short cropped blonde(Blonde is the color for Girls, Blond is the color for Boys) hair that protrudes oddly(I'd recommend another word besides oddly. Maybe 'unevenly' or 'irregularly',etc Oddly doesn't feel right unless his hair really *is* odd) around the straps of the mask (Don't wanna use the same word twice in the same sentence. Maybe write 'rubber straps' instead of 'straps of the mask'. Or some other thing, think on it.)
>for a moment I hardly recognized myself
>Atleast not without my hat
>taking(I recommend 'I take' instead of taking, in this case) said cap off the seat back('seat back' is technically correct I think, but I feel like there's a better-sounding word that means the same thing that could be inserted here.) I seat it firmly atop my head
>preening only momentarily as I cross the room
>straightening out my back as the(my instead of the) augmetic leg begins to fall into stride (maybe also add 'after a moment' to the end of this sentence.)
>my stubbornness keeping('keeps' instead of keeping) me from visiting the tech priests
>though more likely I’d have a hard time getting out of their workshop (this is a good concept but I feel like it's not written great. I'd rewrite this line)
>last I passed by there a few of them made signs of the Omnissaia and screeched at me in binary (I feel like this line, and also this idea, could be improved. I like it a lot. Message me for details since they're too complicated to type here.)
>I throw the coat on once more and reach for the door
[11:28 PM]
>stepping out into the hall of the Town(lowercase t) house shared by the rest of my ‘staff’(Unless he's trying to imply that his staff is either incomplete, or not staff at all, this shouldn't really be in quotes or etc) I quietly make my way down into the living room and out Through(lowercase T) the front door
>the Irian humidity clubbing(clubbing feels like an odd word choice) me even now as the spring rain became a torrential downpour
>the lense(add 'infront of' here. Otherwise it sounds like his non-augmetic eye has a built in lens) of my non augmetic eye fogging for a few moments before clearing
>a sweat(add in 'already', it'd sound better) beginning to form already under the great coat
>I didn’t bother to take the sword from its post beside my desk, not on a day like today(lil weird that he ain't taking his sword)
>it was a relatively nice day after all(was this a weather joke also? if so, good)
>that thought drew a unseen smile to my lips, the memory of our first landing upon Iria IV
>the crescendoeing groan from every man as they unloaded from the Valkyries and other drop ships
>I stood on the corner of the main boulevard of the town we had taken not more than half a year ago
>as I drew a humid breath I could almost smell the burnt Ozone of Lasgun fire and Plasma
[11:28 PM]
>crossing the quiet street, boots splashing off of each cobble stone I notice a fist sized plasma scorch on one of the stone buildings
>I run my hand over it for a moment
>I could almost see it now
>pushing with plasma pistol and Chainsword(lowercase C) in hand over the mounds of mutants and cultists
>it’s impressive, how we managed to clean this place up since then
>whatever remained of loyal civilians even decided to stay (feels weird, ask me to explain when I'm not dead tired)
>I continue to walk though the rain unbothered as I make my way to the ‘green district’ as it had been coined
>much to my Chagrin(lowercase C), as I approached the checkpoint, the sloppily dressed guardsman manning it snored in a deep sleep
>for a moment, my hand twitched
>making to reach for the plasma pistol at my hip
>but it stopped half way
>I realized, a lesson could be made of this
>one that even a summary execution could not beat
>Cadians you see.. they have a reputation to keep
>Atleast most of them do
>making my way around the checkpoint I slip into the hutch in which the guardsman is sleeping
>eyeing the cheap Plastic chair he had decided for his impromptu nap
>there was a moment of thought before I brought my augmetic leg back
>as I brought it foward(forward) with the full force of the emperors engineering the plastic chairs legs gave out 
>there was a moment where balance held
>then like a titans who’s legs had been cut out from under it the guardsman toppled backwards
>ripped from his dream as he impacted the ground with a single thud
>his eyes meeting my mask
>before he could speak, I raised a finger to my mask to silence him
>speaking with a even tone I explained to him the price of his mistake
[11:28 PM]
>”Half rations for your squad for the next week, I’ll have the staff turn over your barracks for contraband as well, do not let this happen again” 
>for a moment I stopped looking for his insignia of rank(wording error)
>”Corporal” I added after a moment
>then, like a bad dream I disspeared(disappeared) from his view
>stepping once  more into the rain
>heading on in the direction of the quartermasters ‘office’
[11:28 PM]