https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38rGxcPibn8 (music to listen while reading)

pic related: https://twitter.com/mnnsn726/status/1238710449236918272/photo/1
 
part 1
>This is it
>This is all there is
>I stare at my desktop monitor
>87 errors
>This is my life
>other people are out having fun, I'm doing this
>I look at the clock
>11:10 PM, Friday
>I can't say I'm happy
>because I'm not
>Out across in the other office tower the light is out
>late night bro's office is dark
>the one square on the checkerboard of dozens of office windows has been finally consumed by the black of the others
>I wonder when he left…
>I always felt a kindred connection to late night bro
>doesn't matter if he works for our competitor
>I don't even know his name
>but wonder if he feels the same way
>stuck
>I wonder if this is really going to be my life
>just sitting alone
>not in the dark, but it might as well be
>I turn off the monitor and head out of my office
>I need to do something spontaneous
>in the gloomy quiet of the hallway I wait for the elevator
>the red light counting down to my floor
>when I finally escape the office I feel free for a minute
>cold air in my wings
>fresh and crisp, like how christmas wrapping paper felt in your fingers as a kid
>the night holds nearly the same all encompassing excitement
>but it evaporates as I walk to the gas station
>suddenly aware of just how far it is
>the doors slide open giving way to a chamber of harsh fluorescents
>but it's filled with colourful goodies
>I wander the aisles
>for a minute it feels so full of potential
>I could get anything
>but then my eyes move down to the price tags
>oh…
>right…
>it feels like I hit a wall
>I grab a sandwich from the hot food machine
>at the potato chip shelf I look around the rest of the store
>a drow stands filling out a crossword
>I'd imagine they'd be on their phone…
>my eyes wander right
>suddenly freezing
>she stands in front of one of the refrigerators
>her face looks like it's caught in a permanent expression of not quite anger, but dissatisfaction
>her dead fish eyes are silvery, reflecting the colourful labels of the drinks inside the fridge
>but they're unhappy, tossing the colours away spitefully 
>almost self conscious that they couldn't have been blessed a different colour than gray
>those eyes slowly begin to scan right
>I realize in the reflection of the drinks case she might have seen me starring
>I quickly look down
>man these Cheetos are really orange hahahahaha
>I steal another quick glance
>the white of her office shirt highlights how pale she is
>she's lanky, but not quite rail thin
>she wears a slightly off colour gray tie, much darker than her eyes
>almost black
>the buzz of the refrigerators and the lights above isolates my mind from my body
>before I know it, my legs bring me next to her
>the tile floor squeaks in tune with my heart beats
>standing to her right, in front of another fridge of energy drinks
>jet black hair pours down like a waterfall, the silky sheen reflects the harsh fluorescent
>the tips of her hair fall against the top of her black pants
>I look to my right nervously at the cars in the parking lot
>I steal a look to my left quickly
>she still stands like a statue
>looking at the milk still
>"H-Hi. My name is Anon."
>I put out my hand
>She gives no reaction, but her dead eyes turn to look right
>they reflexively aim down but still miss the top of my head
>they drop further
>to look at me
>then even further to look at my hand
>before recovering back to my face
>it's like she doesn't even breath
>ok i should leave
>"I'm Sarah."
>I draw my hand back and go quiet
>the buzz of the drinks case fills the awkward silence
>I take a deep breath
>"So what are you buying?"
>buzz
>"I don't know yet."
>buzz
>"Maybe a chocolate milk."
>"Oh. Ok."
>say something say something say something
>"Could you hand me that bottle of juice on the top shelf? The grape?"
>buzz
>buzz
>"Can you not reach?"
>Her face upturns in a fuming grimace, like she's being set up for a joke
>"Uhhh… no. You're standing in front of the juices."
>buzz
>buzz
>her face returns to its default indifferent appearance, like the concept of a smile is completely foreign
>buzz
>She sighs and opens the case, her arm moves disjointed from her body
>like it's its own creature
>she grasps the bottle, pausing for a bit before handing it to me
>"You should watch your sugar intake."
>buzz
>"Well it's not much better than a chocolate milk."
>buzz
>she turns to look down at me again, glowering
>the corner of her mouth is turned up in something like a smirk, like she's taking some enjoyment at my gall before she stabs me
>buzz
>"Why is that?"
>"It has a lot of sugar too…"
>buzz
>more glowering
>buzz
>"Just because it's milk, it doesn't mean it's healthy. It's like saying cupcakes are healthy because they have eggs in them."
>buzz
>buzz
>buzz
>back to indifference, she sighs and grabs a bottle of whole milk
>"I-It was nice talking to you."
>her eyes slowly turn, again
>I get the message and buy my shit
>I walk out of the store feeling horrible
>the flimsy plastic bag beats against my leg
>"Hey."
>I see a long, thin shadow in front of me, coming from something blocking the orange streetlight
>I turn back to see Sarah
>"Which way are you going?"
>"Back to the business plaza."
>silence
>there's no fluorescent or drink fridge to fill it now
>"Walk with me."
>she walks to my right
>every so often I sneak a peek at her face
>the intermittent orange street lights cause shadows to dance along her jaw
>I can see a bit of her collarbone in front of her neck
>her shadow is like a flagpole
>it stretches over mine, over the sidewalk, and into the grass on the side of the road
>I reach my turn to the business plaza
>"Well it was nice meeting yo--"
>I begin to walk to my left
>"I'm going that way too."
>I try to take the side entrance to my office tower
>so I can skip going through the lobby
>"Wait."
>She points at my tower
>"Do you work there?"
>I nod
>suddenly she moves on me
>forcing me against the wall without touch
>she puts her right arm over me, and leans over me
>moving her head down not to be level with mine, but to look down
>"What do you do exactly?"
>"Nothing."
>"You. Do. Nothing?"
>"Nothing important."
>"Alright."
>She steps back and stretches before settling on a bench
>she pats the spot next to her
>I stand confused
>"Sit. It's the universal signal to sit next to someone."
>"Ohh!"
>I sit next to her as she cracks open her milk
>"Do you work here too?"
>"I work in the other tower."
>"For Benard and Warren?"
>"Yes."
>the bench has a view of the U building
>it's called the U building because of the two towers that go up at opposite ends
>"What do you actually do?"
>She looks at me, with her gray eyes catching the orange light
>"I'm in data security, encryption."
>She nods, disinterested
>"I make sure only the right people can read things."
>"I'm an actuary."
>I nod, interested
>"I make sure only the right people get paid. That is, no one gets paid."
>I'm unsure what to say
>"Did you pass all of the exams to do it?"
>"I did. I work in warranties."
>"Oh."
>"I help write the warranties so anyone who buys our weapons can't claim them, but the warranties sound good enough so they buy them."
>"That sounds… cool…"
>She smirks
>it's a smug, almost happy grin, a really satisfied one
>"Do you really think being an actuary is cool?"
>"Y-Yeah"
>Her eyebrows go up in confusion but the smug grin stays
>"Alright. It's better than being a byte boy."
>"A what?"
>"A byte boy, cause you work with data. Bytes."
>"Don't call me that."
>"Ok, byte boy."
>we sit and eat in silence
>I'm just happy to have some company
>back in my office tower I look out into the next tower
>office bro's light comes on
>oh
 
>my phone rings
>what?
>it's saturday
>morning.
>WHO THE FUCK IS CALLING ME
>I don't recognize the number
>"Hello?"
>"Hi Anon, it's Sarah. From a couple weeks ago?"
>"How did you get this number?"
>I can't hear it, but I think she's smirking on the other end
>"For a byte boy, you don't have very secure stuff."
>"What?"
>"I looked for your number in your staff directory."
>"Oh."
>silence
>"Why did you call?"
>"I wanted to talk to you."
>"About what?"
>"Just talk."
>"Like hang out?"
>silence
>"Sure."
 
>I stand outside the U building
>looking up at it
>I have always sworn on weekends never to set foot here, but I can make an exception.
>I sit on the bench
>it's one of those cold, gray early Spring days
>scratch that, it feels more like Fall
>everything is still dead or dying from the Winter cold
>gloomy
>makes your emotions fall like stagnant water
>then the cold makes them evaporate, leaving gross remains of somber and sad
>I fiddle with my hands waiting for Sarah
>my eyes wander to my left
>a long leg in a pair of jeans is next to me
>I look up to see Sarah staring indifferently at me
>I jump, causing her to smirk
 
>We walk along the sidewalk together
>"How has work been?"
>She looks down at me
>"I ask you to come out on the weekend, we're walking away from our workplaces, we work for competing companies, and you ask about how my work is?"
>"..."
>"Would you be surprised if I said it's not going well."
>we chat about our grievances with our jobs
>as we come close to the lake the wind blows hard
>I scrunch inwards but Sarah seems to take no heed
>I would have thought she'd have a higher center of gravity making it worse but she is like a tree
>A smug grin is sent downwards
>"Don't get blown away byte boy."
>"I'm not…"
>she takes a scrunchie out of her pocket and begin to do her hair up in a ponytail
>me losing my breath is lost in the noise of the wind
>her black hair blows in the cold wind like how water flows over rocks and twigs in a creek
>her gray hoodie matches the gloom above
>her hands are agile and the movements coordinated
>graceful
>her eyes dart quickly to me
>"Something wrong?"
>"N-No. Not at all."
>"Good."
>Sarah is a little stoic, but is fun to talk to
>her monotone voice isn't offputting
>it's kind of like a steady ruffle of a blanket
>she speaks so calmly and slowly
>every word given weight
>I simply follow her lead
>her head is always looking upwards ever so slightly, like she's climbing a hill
 
>out of the blue she 
>grabs my hand
>my heart stops
>her skin is how I'd imagine the shine on water to feel
>it almost slips out of mine from how silky it is
>she looks back angrily
>I get the message and grasp a little harder
>she grips harder and pulls me along
>she brings me into a strip mall and into a hole in the wall restaurant
>i don't have money
>FUCK
>evidently the staff recognizes her
>she checks on me
>I don't know if I changed my expression or had somehow signaled it
>"I'll pay, my treat."
>I'm relieved
>we sit at a table near the window
>I look at the menu
>I notice Sarah looks at me every so often
>flicking her eyes up from the menu
>"I'd get the cheeseburger wrap if I were you."
>I nod
>She sips from her soda
>"Shouldn't you watch your sugar intake?"
>She stops
>her brow furrows as she looks at me
>her grip tightens on the glass
>then it all softens in a little smirk
 
>"Why did you agree to come out with me?"
>"I thought it'd be fun."
>"That's it? Only that?"
>I stop chewing
>I swallow, it's dry and catches on my throat
>I choke it down
>is she testing me?
>"Uhhh…"
>I look out the window
>She leans in, expecting an answer
>I don't want to play my hand too early, or at all really
>putting yourself out like that is scary
>I grip a french fry
>her hand creeps across the table to grab my wrist tight
>"Nothing. At. All?"
>"L-Let's talk about something else."
>I rub the back of my neck nervously
 
>When we leave the restaurant we sit at a bench
>Sarah looks over at me
>"Sorry."
>"For what?"
>"If I scared you or forced you."
>"What? No, it's fine."
>"So I did."
>"No… not…"
>"People are difficult. I never know what they're thinking."
>"If it makes you feel any better I don't think at all."
>Angry stare.jpeg
>"Sorry… bad joke…"
>"I just never know if I'm doing anything right."
>"You did everything right though. I had a good time."
>her dead fish eyes have a spark of life behind them
>she scoots in
>her bony hip hits my side
>oh
>she rolls her lips a little as she is obviously unsure what to do
>her usual indifference is replaced by a little bit of sad and confusion
>she looks down at the ground
>the cold air blows past us
>I'm unsure what to do as well
>I can't exactly smoothly move for a kiss
>she's a little high up
>I'm not even sure if she wants that
>I put my hand over hers
>her grip tightens around it
>a small grin forms on her face
>she turns to look at me
>her silvery eyes reflect the lake near us
>the spark in them like the foam on the waves
>she puts her other hand in mine
>my heart rate spikes
>she brings her face closer
>I play my hand too early and just peck her on the cheek instead of the lips
>she puts her hand up to feel where I did
>"S-Sorry di--"
>"No, it's good."
>She smiles
>it's an awkward kind of smile, she's not used to doing it
>She pulls me in close
>"Do it again."
>another peck
>a little bit of blood rushes to her cheeks, turning them pink
>"Just one more time."
>I move, but her face moves just in time to face mine
>I kiss her on the lips
>I almost pull away but she puts her hands behind my head keeping me there
>when she finally lets me go she has a strong blush on her stoic face
>but a strong little grin
>like one carved into stone
>"You're blushing."
>"No… you're blushing."
>She puts her fingers up to my face
>"You feel like you're running a thousand degrees."
>"Well.. Uhhh…"
>She puts her hands behind my head again
>"One more?"
>I nod
>She dips down for another kiss
>it's like a circuit
>every muscle in my body tenses and lifts up
>my lungs disappear leaving a cloud of oxygen itching to get out
>everything around us falls to the wayside
>for that split second, I forget everything and anything else
>it's just Sarah and I on that bench
>The cold? The gloom? Foreign concepts
>it's like my brain is filled with fireworks instead of blood
>Sarah letting go drops me back down to earth
>I wish for that warmth of the soul again
>A couple kids walk past
>one whistles
>"Flagpoles can get it too?"
>Sarah's dazed halcyon is replaced by fury
>like a gleeful wave crashing onto a lake bed becoming a tsunami wave onto a city
>She stands and begins yelling at the kids
>who immediately take flight
>the sheer rage scares me too
>when all is done, she still steams with anger but puts her arm out
>"Let's go back to my place."
>"S-Sure…"
>"Four is an unlucky number, especially for kisses."
 
part 2 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8rumyup0Os&feature=youtu.be
 
>Sarah leads me by the nose to her place, which isn't even five minutes away
>every so often I notice she sneaks a peek back at me
>she doesn't do it like I do, she looks at me through reflections
>her silvery eyes like beacons
>mirrors reflecting other mirrors
>somehow catching what little sunlight we get 
>at the door to her place she stops before putting her hand on the doorknob
>but she overcomes whatever was keeping her and lets me inside
>despite the gray and white light form the clouds
>the apartment is more of a dark blue
>it's a lot bigger than mine
>cleaner too
>we sit on the couch
>she looks off towards the window as I sit unsure what to do
>she turns to me, her eyes affixed to mine
>her confident self moves with ease, graceful
>"Kiss me again?"
>I nod and she moves in closer
>she rests her bony body against mine
>it's a circuit being completed
>instantly my senses go wild
>like water soaking through a shirt, the sensation of her cool body against soaks into mine
>my brain writing everything in detail
>the calm yellow light of her apartment making everything around us appear like an ocean of gold
>the way her black hair billows downwards in minute waves
>I notice the freckles dabbled on the top of her cheeks
>when she finally settles, it's difficult to breath
>it's heaven
>the weight of a loved one
>every little brush of her against me is like sending ripples of pure pleasure through my body as if it were a lake
>the constant presence of her causes waves through my nerves
>unknowingly drowning me
>this would be enough
>I'd be happy to end here
>just to be done
 
>but she moves in, propping herself up on her left elbow, and hooking her right arm around the side of the couch to caress my head
>I miss her arms against me, it somehow leaves me colder, but the feeling of her fingers against my hair is an entirely new feeling
>like a nice wind that ruffling it, but not one that only exists to blow clouds around
>one that exists to be with you, and you alone
>she tilts her head to the side ever so slightly
>her gray eyes are like when you were a small kid and saw a crystal or snowflake up close for the first time
>all you want to do is stare into it
>"Why are you backing away from me Anon?"
>"Am I?"
>"You're shrinking inwards."
>"I am?"
>She smirks
>her slow, soft voice settles down further
>getting quieter as she whispers
>"It's ok, you're just nervous."
>Then she shoots forward to rest her lips on mine
>it makes me wonder if the every ripple of pleasure had dripped gasoline into my nerves
>because my body is set aflame
>the world doesn't fall away from around us
>I fall out of the world
>like falling into a cold river
>being swept along
>each one of her breathes is another current that carries me
>I don't notice when she stops
>I'm only carried off faster as she hugs me, putting her forehead against my cheek
>again her body is cool against my boiling nerves
>her right arm hooks around the back of my shoulders
>she snuggles in like the curve of my body had been sculpted for this one being
>I slowly pull my arm over her back
 
>I can feel every single thread it runs over in her hoodie
>I feel like my lungs are full of snowflakes of nothing but good feeling, freezing my nerves
>catapulting them instantly from a boiling stupor to a solid cold of pleasure
>when my hand reaches her side I wrap it around her
>she takes my other hand in hers
>Sarah makes a small groan as she adjusts herself
>that sound spikes through my skull, embedding itself in the deepest parts of my memories
>to remind of a reason to live
>my heart flutters, my body dumb, and my being happy
>"Anon?"
>I say nothing, my mind too stupid to conjure words
>"We're gonna switch places."
>She flips herself onto her back
>pulling me to where she was before
>it's an entirely different feeling
>all encompassingly warm
>she rests her eyes ever so slightly above mine, her nose tickling the bridge of mine, and her lips skirting the top of mine
>gravity isn't enough for her to feel me
>she clings to me, pulling me in further
>I can feel the softness of her chest against my heart
>I look down to see her putting her legs around mine, using the different in length to her advantage
>they lock around mine
>warmth billows in clouds through my body through every surface she touches
>I feel safe
>in every sense of the word and even beyond
>like in the endless current of the world, I'm not swept along anymore as far as I'm concerned
>I have a place
>cemented in one place
>like a bead of glass refusing to be pushed along by the current of the ocean
>it's found its place
>it just is
>I feel her chest move against mine with every breath
>Sarah says nothing because nothing needs to be said
>I almost want to cry
>I close my eyes and surrender everything to the moment
>I feel her peck my cheek playfully
>"Were you falling asleep?"
>I shake my head hurriedly
>"I never thought I'd get this."
>I stay silent, letting Sarah speak
>from this close the soft rumble of her voice is noticeable through her chest
>Sarah snuggles her head against mine, forcing mine towards the crook in her neck
>"I always wanted this, something with meaning. Nothing has tons of meaning anymore."
>Sarah's voice slows
>"Everything has to be ironic and flawless without trying or caring. Because if you try or care about something that's stupid because why would you? Nothing matters."
>I bury my face in the crook of her neck
>She reciprocates by bending her body to embrace me more
>"Why wouldn't it be the same way for relationships? Just run by dozens of people through Tinder and Facebook, talk for a week and then torpedo it, if it's not 100% what you wanted. The notion of 'finding someone' reduced to a simple click of a button."
>Sarah kisses me on the forehead
>tingles rain down on where she had kissed like the rain outside
>She leans back take off her hoodie
>I reflexively reach out for her to come back
>She notices, and her eyebrows go up a little
>When she rolls back, she comes closer than before, placing her hoodie over us
>"This means a lot to me."
>Sarah's eyes are saddened
>she sighs, her warm breath dancing on my skin
>I close my eyes again
>I hear her smirk
>She edges in and rests her chin on my forehead
>the pitter patter of rain outside reverberates like echos from her heartbeat
>it's odd, it reminds me she's alive
>but if you spend enough mornings, afternoons, and nights alone
>substituting this sensation with a watered down diet version
>lying alone wondering what it really is like
>because your entire world has been alone
>the real thing sows nothing but pure wonder
>disbelief that it is actually happening
>your mind tries to sabotage you, instinctively retreating from it
>believing it to be a trick
>good things can't happen
>you see if it's a dream
>but as check after check passes, you realize it's the real thing
>filling you with the same emotions the first astronauts must have felt in space
>entirely uncharted territory
>new sensations
>it makes you feel small
>Sarah readjusts her legs around mine
>She smirks again
>but it's real
>and you're here
>and it is good.
 
>she tucks me in before she in behind me
>she rests on her side, instead of face to face like on the couch I lie facing away from her
>but her tight hold on my chest keeps me from getting too far
>the rustle of her breath through my hair and sweeping through my ears causes spikes of joy to run down my spine
>her room is dark and silent except for the soft tempo of her breathing
>Sarah speaks softly
>"I'd spend many nights wondering what it'd be like to sleep next to someone."
>She plays with my hair, taking the short strands in between her thumb and index finger
>"Looking out that same window in the dark. Feeling so isolated from the world. Feeling like I had no place. Feeling like I'd be swept through it at the end of my life."
>Sarah's heartbeats against my back
>"The modern world makes you feel isolated, everything is so big and ununderstandable, everything is going somewhere while you play catch up, everything is too fast to feel like it has meaning, and everything advertises 'happiness' with fake smiles making it a shallow good to be sold. You know it's fake, but you wonder 'why am I not happy?'"
>Sarah kisses the back of my neck
>"You make me happy Anon."
>She moves up to my ear and bites it gently
>"You make me happy Sarah."
 
part 3
https://youtu.be/zIo1BI4HkFs
 
>I stumble to the door
>the knocking is relentless
>my fever boils my brains
>making it sound far away
>I swing the door open, the inertia pulling me along
>Sarah stands in the hallway with a grocery bag in each hand
>I sheepishly bring the door back out of instinct
>feeling shame at appearing sick in front of her
>"You didn't need to car to go for sick."
>She raises an eyebrow
>"Sorry… the fever has me kind of loopy."
>"You going to let me in?"
>She moves forward but I close the door further
>she jams her foot between the door and door frame
>"You didn't need to come…"
>Sarah says nothing as she stares downwards with those gray eyes
>deep in her pupils I can see concern
>she cooly waits for me to let me in
>I watch as she proudly strides into my home
>"Show me where your kitchen is."
>She sets the grocery bags on the counter, unloading them
>"How bad is your fever?"
>"I don't know…"
>Her hands stop
>"I couldn't find the thermometer."
>She slowly begins to unload again before stopping
>Sarah turns and looms over me, not in an intimidating way as usual
>but like a dark oak shielding you from the cold rain
>it's never existed for that purpose, but is more than happy to do it
>almost taking pleasure in you finding shelter under its leaves
>it's a kinder shadow
>She raises her hand to feel my forehead, I bring my arm up to shoo her hand away
>but she grabs it with her other hand, tightly
>Sarah's jaw tightens as she leans into whisper
>the leaves of the tree now blowing in the wind, letting water drizzle on you again
>maybe from a lack of respect? 
>a lack of appreciation for its burden?
>"When sick people are sick they need to take care of themselves, because being sick hurts those around them too. No one likes to see another person sick. Evidently you haven't been taking care of yourself very well. So guess what that's doing?"
>I sigh and let her feel my forehead
>in the shelter of the tree, the water isn't as harsh as when you were out alone
>it's more of a novelty now
>her hand is cool and the sensation drops the stress from my shoulders
>"Good boy."
>I relax
>it's pulled all the worries in the world into its fingers
>when she pulls back, her jaw tightening in concern, I miss it
>my hands come up without me thinking to reach for it
>my body moving faster than my mind
>she smirks and places it back on my forehead for a while longer
 
>"Go sit on the couch."
>I stumble to it and collapse
>I stare up at the ceiling
>in the gray bluish light of the drizzling clouds outside this place used to feel more oppressive
>but Sarah coming cuts through it all
>like when you wait in the rain for your bus and see its glowing headlights piercing its way towards you
>that relief and ability to tolerate the gloom finally pours through the room
>I hear her put out a pot, every sound a welcome sensation
>so different from my frustrated breathing
>gasping through pouring sinuses
>a click of the stove and the flow of something from a container echos from the kitchen
>with little pecks of rain drops from the window
>Sarah leans over the couch
>my vision is a little bit blurry, but I can make out her ever stoic expression
>"Do you have blankets?"
>"In the bedroom."
>The instant after she leaves my mind suddenly races with thoughts of what she's going to think of my disheveled bedroom
>"Anon?"
>I peek over the cliff of the couch
>She holds my blanket in her arms
>"This is soaked through with sweat, do you have any others?"
>I point to the closet
>Sarah lays the blanket on me like snow falls onto pavement, ever so gently and gradually
>I try to stop her, maybe out of pride?
>she doesn't take the wind of my arms very happily, simply pointing with her hand to clarify her point
>I fall asleep
>paying no heed to where Sarah is
>She taps my shoulder gently
>her hair tickling my side even through the blanket
>"Eat."
>A spoon comes into frame, filled to the brim with chili
>beef, tomato, beans, onions, and cheese all piled perfectly like she had painstakingly measured the amount of each
>I move my arm up to take it
>but she pushes it back down
>"Do you really trust your spaghetti arms?"
>I blush a little at that
>She spoon feeds me
>As I chew she smiles again
>"Good boy."
 
>I blush a little bit again
>I forgot to eat breakfast this morning
>I never realized how hungry I was until now
>I can feel the life returning to my body
>"Can I get seconds?"
>another smirk
>she delivers the bowl into my hand this time
>working her way behind me
>I open my mouth to protest, but her words instantly silence me
>"I'll get sick if you cough or sneeze on me, that's why I'm going to be behind instead."
>I want to speak to find flaw in that logic
>but in my fever dream state my mind is somewhere else
>the cumulative sensation of something warm in my hands
>something soothing behind me
>and now Sarah's jaw resting on the back of my head
>scratching my scalp as she nuzzles in to find a spot
>I can feel her long hair tickle the my shoulders and the side of my head
>her against my back instantly soothes me
>melting away any other concerns about work or life
>to say it makes me "happy" is an understatement
>it's the kind of emotion you don't feel in your head
>you don't think "I'm happy"
>you feel it
>your core is the one expressing it
>it's an all encompassing sensation 
>you don't "feel" or "think" you're happy
>you "just" are
>as universal a truth as gravity
>the sensation is furthered when she wraps her arms around my body
>I stop chewing just to let my senses focus on that
>"Keep eating."
>"Bu--"
>She shushes me 
>the same sensation my core feels begins to appear in my ears as she leans in close to quell any protests I have
>as an adult you're not supposed to be vulnerable
>to be honest, because being an adult is hard
>you're supposed to be strong, brave, competent, and "adult"
>but there's always a lingering fear under that facade
>that streak of a desire to be taken care of in some way, to be vulnerable
>like a streak of oil on top of water
>only visible at the right angle in the right light of stress
>you pretend it's not there but it's always there
 
>to indulge in it is near sinful
>because that is to admit weakness
>which is not adult at all
>Sarah breathes softly
>her warm breath ruffling my hair like wind across grass
>it's far gentler than a hand through your hair
>more ethereal too
>more akin to cold morning mist in that perfect split second before it chills you
>I feel on the verge of tears
>I haven't felt this safe in… forever…
>or this loved
>Sarah takes the empty bowl from my hands and sets it on the table
>from a brown paper bag comes a bottle of brandy
>She fills two glasses, handing me one
>"Brandy is good for colds. Plus it's an excuse to drink."
>She brings her hand into frame, clinking her glass with mine
>I just stare at it
>the entire experience is surreal
>just moments ago I was lying in silence
>staring out at the rain, the gray light draining all sensation from life
>leaving me isolated in a vacuum
>aware of my loneliness and sadness
>the kind that you don't feel up in your head
>but in your chest, digging at your heart, pushing at your tear ducts, and picking at your throat
>it's a wet kind of feeling, that pours through you and is just pain
>"How did you get sick?"
>"I didn't use my umbrella."
>"Why?"
>"I didn't want to look stupid…"
>I can feel her judgement
>"It wasn't raining hard enough to really warrant it, so I thought I'd tank it, instead of looking stupid with it."
>"You were concerned you were going to look like a pussy?"
>I go silent and try to hide my embarrassment
>"Shhh, shhh Anon it's alright."
>Sarah kisses the back of my head
>"You don't need to be all caught up in worrying about that."
>she leans her head to the side
>her cool cheek pressing against my scalp
>"Sarah?"
>She nuzzles her cheek on my head to signal she heard me
>"Can you call me a good boy again?"
>"What? Like a dog."
 
>I blush, burrowing into the blankets
>"No… not like a dog. Just… guys don't get compliments a lot."
>She ruminates on it, before slowly coming to understand
>"I guess everyone needs some positive reinforcement."
>She sighs before leaning back
>"When was the last time someone complimented you? Aside from me."
>"I don't remember."
>She leans in and whispers in my ear 
>"Good boy."
>I shudder a little bit
>She returns to just hugging my chest and leaning on my head
>We stay like that
>not a word exchanged
 
>eventually she moves me back to my bed as it gets dark outside
>she still is behind me, but is now able to hug me closer
>the way her bony body presses up against mine
>I wonder what I was doing before
>I can't go back knowing this exists
>she rests the top of her chin on my head again
>we stare out the window as it goes from a dark gray to pitch black outside
>with the streetlights dancing like candles with how the rain on the window perplexes the light 
>every so often I try to sneak a peek up at Sarah
>in the darkness of the room I can still see her silver eyes
>she smirks when she catches me looking
>which is everytime
>she follows it up with a readjustment of her position as big spoon, a kiss on the head, a quiet groan of satisfaction, or a combination of the three
>when I keep my breathing quiet
>I can feel her heart beating against my back
>reminding me of the odd sensation that someone loves me
>love can be an empty word
>but the true incarnation of it causes your heart to swell
>it tugs at your heartstrings like a guitarist
>the notes are your emotions
>for once
>for just this once
>it plays a joyful song
>I release myself to it
>both of us feeling safety and a belonging
>any suppressed emotions slowly melted through, the deep rooted desire for belonging and companionship that permeates your body finally given an outlet, like steam out of a kettle
>the indulgence of having someone is odd
 
>"having" is to imply to own
>"finding" is to imply to own
>neither Sarah nor I own each other at all
>it's an entirely organic oddity
>as unlikely as life itself
>but it has happened regardless
>the physical sensations are pleasurable beyond reproach
>yet it is the underlying meaning behind it
>like how a river is worthless or would not exist unless it had a spring, lake, or glacier to flow from
>the sensation in of itself feels good, but it is not "good"
>it is the affection behind it that gives it such depth
>like a well compared to a puddle
>a puddle serves no purpose, you can get water from it
>yet a well is purposeful from its conception, you can get water from it too
>the affection comes from love
>which is a truth of life
>you will come to "love" things
>what kind of "love" differs
>but the "love" between people that exists even in a vacuum beyond physicality is the most genuine
>for any other "loves" that follow it
>it may not be the most pleasurable or the most visible
>but it is the fixing of two existences together, that have impossibly come together
>it isn't the "meaning" behind it
>it simply is the truth
>I fall asleep without dreams
>like reality and fantasy had decided to switch for the night
>or because I couldn't fantasize because there is nothing more to want
 
part 4
https://youtu.be/UIdT2hH6frY
 
>Life is hard
>Life is painful
>Life is stressful
>It makes you wonder why you bother at all
>But there are things that make you understand why you do it all
>the yellow light of the McDonalds illuminates Sarah's cheeks
>it falls like snow, I want to use it as an excuse to just run my hand across them
>her face is calm as we wait in line
>She stands behind me
>I can feel her bony body resting against my spine
>her favourite thing to do is to rest her chin in my hair
>her chest presses a tiny bit harder as she takes a breath
>I can feel the exhale, it tickles my head
>Sarah knows it, because everytime it does I can't help but wirthe a tiny bit
>and I know she smirks everytime I do
>the line is unreasonably long for this McDonalds
>for all intents and purposes
>it's really trashy, the food is bad
>sometimes they forget to put the cheese in the cheeseburgers
>yet I would never want to be in any other place in the world
>because Sarah is here with me
>this is something I never knew I wanted
>I realize perhaps it's not the flashy, Hollywood moments that make love, "love"
>it's the simple things
>the novelty of having someone now to drudge through the gauntlet of the mundanity of life with
>that you aren't alone
>the line moves forward
>Sarah and I move our feet in near unison, her's following mine
>the entire time inside this place, not a word has been exchanged between Sarah and I
>yet we both know the other is content
>maybe it's the way her chin shifts ever so slightly from side to side
>the way her breathing gets deeper as she bears more of her weight on me
>her sweater is fuzzy, and warm from her body heat
>a part of me wants to bury my face in the sweater, abandoning all restraint
>"What are you going to get?"
>"Maybe a cheeseburger."
>"Mhmm… I might get a happy meal."
>"A happy meal?"
>I look up to see her brow furrowed a tiny bit
>"Yeah, why?"
>"Aren't you a little old to be getting a happy meal?"
>"What's wrong with a happy meal. They have toys."
>I smile at the thought of a grown woman still wanting to get a happy meal
>"Why are you smiling?"
>Sarah begins to smile as well
>Leaning in closer
>"Nothing, it's just…"
>"Just what?"
>"Do you really want it for the toy?"
>"Yes."
>My smile grows stronger
>Sarah laughs silently
>I begin to fill up my cup with ice, as Sarah fills her with soda
>"shit"
>she quickly brings the cup up and frantically drinks the overflowing cup
>her eyes get wide with surprise
>it's adorable
>again
>the simple things
>She puts the lid on quickly, pretending nothing happened at all
>silently drinking from her straw
>I hand her a napkin
>I notice a little cut running down her finger 
>"Did you cut yourself?"
>"I was making mac and cheese"
>"Was it good?"
>"Yeah"
>We stand side by side waiting for our order to be finished
>Sarah stops sipping her soda
>"Let me fill this up really quick."
>"Seriously? You only drank a little."
>"Restaurants make a lot of money off soft drinks. Therefore knowing they make such high profits off a cheap good, I as a customer need to maximize my gain from this transaction."
>what is she an ancap now?
>as we walk to the car, Sarah takes my hand in her's
>in the cold air of the early night it's like a warm tether
>keeping me from drifting off into the sad pangs of sadness I would've felt if I was alone
>in the car I sneak a french fry
>Sarah turns to me at a stop light
>"Can I get a fry?"
>I go to hand her one, but she points to her mouth
>She takes it with her teeth
>"Let me get another."
>This time she moves her entire mouth over my finger
>winking
>I quickly pull my hand away as she laughs
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mM3lJJEVw8
 
>sure enough when we get home, my cheeseburger has no cheese
>Sarah stares at it, before her silvery eyes dart up, ripe with an idea
>She dumps some of the mac and cheese she made into it, throwing the entire sandwich into the microwave
>She wraps her arms around my chest as we stand there, watching the microwave whirr
>I can feel every breath she takes
>the way her arms are warm against my chest
>the way I can see the flecks of silver reflect off the microwave door
>Sarah takes the time to kiss the tip of my ear
>sending a shock through my entire body
>my chest swelling with a desire for her to do it again
>I squirm a little bit, she realizes this
>she kisses the tip of my other ear
>like a bolt of lightning hitting a tree, my entire body is ablaze
>she continues to pepper my ears with kisses, waiting for me to settle before throwing me up in the air with another
>the beeping of the microwave is unwelcome
>the mac and cheese in a burger idea was really good
>Sarah grabs a bottle of wine and pops it open
>pouring me a tall glass
>"I need to drive home though."
>"Tonight?"
>She says that with extreme doubt in her voice
>not tonight
>I take a sip of it at the same time she does
>we talk and eat
>chatting about nothing important
>thinking about nothing important
>learning about nothing important
>yet the time is very important to me
>you don't feel it in your body, this kind of love
>it comes from your heart, but it starts at your brain
>it's the understanding of the phenomenon that you have someone
>that in the entire impossible landscape of the world, you met someone you love and who loves you back
>who you can waste time with, taking a break from life
>because time doesn't matter when you're with them
>it's a foreign concept
>time only moves when the both of you do
>it makes you wonder how you ever could have survived without it before
>Sarah laughs at a joke as she takes another drink of wine
>her cheeks a tiny bit flush as she finishes her happy meal
>we sit and drink more, polishing off cup after cup of wine
>I never noticed the way Sarah leans back when she talks, but leans in when she listens
>it's weird knowing you have someone's attention like this
>it's not because you're coworkers, fellow students, or anything of the sort
>they listen your words even if they don't have to
>there is nothing to gain, it's not a strong pleasure like a kiss
>yet it is the most grounded one
 
>when we retire to the bedroom, Sarah pushes me onto the bed before climbing in after me
>she flips me over and immediately goes for the kiss
>pinning my wrists to the mattress
>she stops for a minute
>the world stops permanently as I etch this memory into every part of my brain
>her face is caught in a bashful smile
>her hair frozen like a wave of water
>the sweater fuzz is just beginning to illuminate in the bedroom light
>and of course, her body hangs over me, she's as excited as I am
>she lets her arms give out, falling against me
>I grunt as she hits my chest
>another kiss lands on my lower chin
>leaving an ever so slightly wet spot that is turned cold as Sarah snuggles in close
>She buries her nose in the crook of my neck
>kissing my cheek happily
>I don't move and just let her have her way
>her thigh wraps around my legs
>locking me in place
>the flood of sensations is like breaking the surface after falling into a cold lake
>the joyful gasp of air, the feeling of water falling off you body, the warmth of the air
>like you are being raised from the oppressive weight of life
>given a reason to live once again
>then Sarah stops
>taking a deep breath
>her eyes wandering downwards
>she thinks
>then they look up at me
>expecting something
>I quickly kiss her cheek
>she grabs it like I had just burned it
>her face blushes as she tries to cover her smile with her wrist
>I run my fingers through her black hair
>what either of us does isn't very important in of itself
>it's what we want to convey
>simply saying "I love you" can't convey everything
>but finding the right way to say "I love you" is very important
>every boy needs a girl
>every girl needs a boy
>you grow up having to learn what love is
>you don't know if you ever will find someone
>someone to be there to wipe your tears when you're sad
>someone whose tears you wipe when they get sad
>when you do find that someone
>you want to cry, because you have finally been enlightened
>we fell asleep next to each other, my face finally buried in her sweater
>breathing it in
>Sarah takes great joy in that
>softly rubbing my head as I sleep
>she kisses me

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