A Harpy Christmas Interlude

By Harpy Anon


>be me
>it’s Christmas time in the Mojave
>meaning
>it’s cold as balls, windy as hell, and the back of your hands turn dry and bloody if you don’t put on lotion
>winter in the Mojave is so cold almost makes you wish for nuclear summer
>check out my window after waking up
>now
>who the fuck painted my window white
>wait nvm that snow and frost
>yes, snow in the Mojave
>one of the most beautiful things ever
>Stare out from my apartment into the parking lot and the nearby empty lots and fields
>it’s not much by other people’s standards, but I appreciate it
>time for a /comfy/ day
>put on song related https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=itcMLwMEeMQ
>jingle bell rock is great
>turn on space heater
>brush the few cluttered rounds of 7.62 away from it
>yeah, you only make that mistake once
>damn heating crystals working too well
>pop a few eggo waffles into the toaster 
>make sure Kelpys bowl heater is working fine
>little river mermaid wakes up
>drop a mini candy cane in for her
>grabs it up and starts gnawing on it
>got to the couch bed nest and shake the harpy awake 
>she’s cuddling her TKB-059 in lieu of me
>she wakes up confused
>”mother fucker is it Christmas?”
>’not yet, but we got snow’
>The harpy glares at me
>”bullshit. It’s the desert.”
>well, she’s not wrong
>NotAllDeserts.Jpg
>’well there’s snow, come and see.’
>”fuck that, I’m warm.”
>time for drastic measures
>scoop her up out of bed in a bridal carry
>Harpy squaks loudly in anger and surprise
>wow she’s getting a bit heavy
>putting on the baby weight
>carry her to the window
>she begrudgingly looks out
>eyes go wide
>”holy fucking shit. It looks like Stalingrad out there.”
>turns up to me with a wild look in her eyes
>”we’re fucking going”
>Hell yes we are
>/k/ube be praised, it’s /k/ristmas time



>go outside to the parking lot 
>I’m in my pajama pants and an old winter gear paratrooper jacket 
>Harper dug out her Soviet heavy winter jacket that she got from the silo
>and her cotton elf ear beanie 
>pic very related
>Run out into the freezing parking area and nearby empty lot
>snows been cleared out of the way into large drifts
>it’s not as much as they’d get in the other places, but it’s still nice
>The mojave is the best place for snow
>the harpy walks out slowly, soaking it all in 
>her eyes are wider than they were the time she magdumped two Uzis akimbo style when Drowbro brought them for range day
>Or the time I explained what a Chicago style pizza was
>She reaches down and digs her hands into the nearest drift
>The snow is a bit dirty looking, but she doesn't mind 
>Pulls up a handful of it, crunching it into her hands
>Winces a little but smiles happily
>”Holy fuck man, this is it. This is real fucking snow. God motherfucking damn.”
>She turns to me with a wild look in her eyes
>A grin spreading across her face
>She crunches the snow in her hands until it looks roughly like what could be mistaken for a badly made DND dice
>Clears her throat
>Puts on one of the worst forced Russian accents I have ever heard
>”You there, sergeant Anon, filthy American, you think you can walk into Moscow and force us to surrender.”
>ah
>I see we are doing this role play again
>Reach down and grab up a handful of snow, fingers freezing as I ball it up
>say ”well you damn commie harlot, seems like I’m gonna have to teach you some manners and the American way.” In my most 40s American Voice possible
>get beamed right in the face 
>drop the snowball and clutch my nose
>Harper is laughing her ass off
>welp, time to cream her
>/k/ube help me





>Harpy takes off flying towards the empty snow filled lot
>Hoof it right after her, almost eating nshit and falling on the icy asphalt
>Fucking hell i should have wore my boots instead of my slippers
>Make it in the lot
>Harpy is flapping through the sky laughing
>She dives bombs down at me, strafing me with fistfuls of snow and slush
>Dive behind a burm of snow, my pants taking the worst of the burst
>She might have air superiority, but I have something she does not
>Bones that aren't hollow, and arms that don't have feathers
>Harpy lands, scoops up two handfuls of snow, and jumps back into the air
>Launch a slush ball at her, yelling “eat shit commie!”
>Slushball wiffs by her as she takes to the sky
>damn rooskies have air superiority, even if their only flying vehicle is pregnant
>need AA stat
>make another slush ball
>sight AA very carefully
>Harper noticed me aiming
>sends a burst of snow my way
>hold fast and ignore the salvo of frost as it patters against me
>lead my target
>FIRE
>shot goes true, and clips the commie right in the wings
>it fragments and spreads out, making the entire left wing useless
>hear her yelling as her flying absolutes are comprised, and the pilot is forced to ground the craft to continue the battle on foot
>”Hey you fucking asshole! You know how hard it is to keep feathers dry?!”
>yep
>harpy is pissed
>send another slick ball her way, splattering all over her wing and soaking it further
>AngryHarpyNoises.mp3
>/k/ube help her, for I will show no mercy


>approach the downed commie
>she fuming angrily
>throws a snowball at me
>duck right under it
>shoot back a shot at her
>hits her in the wing
>Harpy squawks as the slush soaks through her other feather
>”oh come on asshole! No fucking fair!” She yells
>tries to take off again by jumping to get away but can’t get off the ground with her wet wing
>I’ve got her trapped
>’well commie, it seems you’re trapped.’
>She points at me furiously
>”you’ll never take me alive, you no fair douchebag!”
>retort back with ‘that’s the idea!’
>strafe the harpy as I run around her, pelting her with slush
>harpy keeps trying to hit me but misses
>after running literal laps around her I stop
>she looks at me grumpily, wings soaked and slush sticking to her feathers
>”fine faggot, you win.” She mutters to me in a defeated tone
>ah yes, just like what the soviets said when the Cold War ended
>I walk over to the harpy and scoop her up
>hold her in a bridal carry
>’Then I claim this commie harlot as a spoil of war for the noble American people.’ I say with a smile
>Harpy tries not to blush but fails
>”can we at least make a fucking snowman first before you claim my ass?”
>’sure, why not?’
>/k/ube be praised



>Help the harpy make her snowman 
>mainly by doing the heavy work and pushing it together as she runs around grabbing pebbles and sticks for its arms and face 
>by the time she comes back she’s freezing
>I can see her lips turning a little blue
>shivering but still smiling
>she hands me the twigs and pebbles before helping me form the rest
>the snowman is a little dusty and grey and from dirt and asphalt, looking like a true Mojave snowman 
>she sticks in the pebbles and stick arms
>harpy smiles at it before frowning
>”something ain’t right…”
>ah
>I know what 
>go grab some Joshua tree fronds
>stick them to the sticks
>and there we go
>”what the fuck is that?”
>with all the pride filling my heart, I proudly proclaim ‘it’s a snow harpy’
>Harper looks at it strangely
>the fronds make the arms look like feathery wings
>she gives a little smile 
>”fuck yeah, I love it.”
>take a picture of it with her for me worries sake 
>scoop up the harpy off the ground
>’now, let’s get inside before the baby gets to cold’
>Harper smiles
>”fuck man, this is going to be even more damn fun with a few kids running around?”
>a few?
>’you mean *A* kid?’
>”A kid for now, but a few eventually. Fuck you if you think we’re stopping at one. I want a whole damn flight squadron”
>...
>oh boy
>/k/ube help me when that day happens


>get up to my apartment 
>smells like burnt waffles
>ah fuck forgot about the eggos 
>well, guess I’ll just have to cook a different breakfast
>but first
>time to warm up
>and no way is better than sharing a comfy nice warm shower with your harpy
>spend the better part of an hour laying in the tub basin with her, the warm water making my numbed hands and feet feel warm and tingly
>almost as warm and tingly as the feeling of a pregnant harpy laying against your body in the shower makes you feel
>transfer the harpy immediately from the warm shower to the couch bed
>throw a comfy blanket over her and wrap a robe around me
>fry up leftover thanksgiving ham in a pan 
>toast more waffles
>lose my robe and join the harpy under the blankets
>crank up the space heater and snuggle up body to body, sharing a plate of waffles and ham
>put on the best cheesy Christmas comedies we can
>Christmas vacation, the Santa Clause, Christmas Story, the live action grinch
>all the best ones
>spend the better part of the day doing that
>best Christmas Eve tradition ever
>there’s a loud pounding on the door
>it flings open 
>Drowbro steps In Wearing the most unsightly Christmas sweater I have ever seen
>makes me wince looking at it
>”ANON! HARPER! ITS CHRISTMAS EVE! FESTIVITY TIME!”
>...
>’can I put my pants on first?’
>”no”
>/k/ube help me


>luckily me and the harpy are allowed to put on pants and clothes
>I get on my own Christmas sweater
>which is a gift from harpers Nona
>a knit red and green sweater of kalashnikov giving Santa an AK 
>...
>I swear I’m only wearing it ironically 
>I don’t actually like it…
>Baka
>Besides, it is similar to Drowbros 
>which is Eugene stoner wearing reindeer antlers made of brass casings
>all nicely done in a festive red and blue
>also Harpers
>which is a flamingo harpy Santa claws in a sled being pulled by a bunch of goblins
>for some reason done in pink and orange
>idk why man, but it looks cute
>and the skinwalker
>she’s wearing
>a traditional native dress of some sorts made of Christmas flowers and evergreen branches
>because fuck you skinwalkers don’t wear sweaters during Christmas
>which is a mild disappointment tbh
>because I know she got one in the mail
>Nona harpy is gonna be pissed
>Drowbro doesn’t care though
>he’s brought something for us to do
>slams down a box on the table
>full of cookie sheets, candy, frosting, and cookie cutters
>oh hell yes
>we’re going to be building ginger bunkers
>/k/ube be praised


>now
>a ginger bunker is not at all like a gingerbread house at all
>...
>okay it is but I feel better saying it isn’t
>Drowbro brought enough supplies for me and the harpy to make one, and one for them to build
>just a sweet couples thing to do for Christmas
>makes my heart feel nice
>get out all the supplies
>sheets of gingerbread, gumdrops and neon hard candies as well as other candy for decoration, little gingerbread men who are pre-iced’ like /k/ommandos and elfs, brass colored sprinkles shaped like spent casings
>and a fuckton ton of frosting and icing
>Harpy is practically drooling as we set it out on the table
>I can hear her stomach grumbling
>she looks at me with a smile
>takes a gumdrop and eats it
>”just one little fucking piece, nobody can tell a difference.”
>ok, it’s just a piece 
>nothing wrong
>start setting up the gingerbread chunks into the bunker walls
>shaping it, trimming off the excess, getting the general design down
>were making a good old fashioned D-day German bunker on omaha
>set down the gingerbread trimmings to be used for decorations later
>crumbled gingerbread makes for good beach sand
>have Harper do the frosting to glue it together
>she insists on licking the knife before every time we need to dip it into the frosting
>walls aren’t staying together too well
>REINFORCINGSENTRY.ENGY
>ask Harper for more frosting
>”uh, anon, we’re out of fucking frosting.”
>tfw all that hard work is down the drain 
>what happened to it
>she smiles
>showing red frosting stained teeth
>/k/ube help me


>set up the walls 
>general framework is out of the way
>now, time to decorate 
>just because you have a fortress or a bunker doesn’t mean you can’t make it look nice
>the nigga who wrote the art of war said that 
>probably 
>idk I never read it actually, I just pretend I did
>like all the fucks who say to “READ SIEGE” but haven’t picked up a book that wasn’t a Japanese comic since middle school
>start setting up some gumdrop tank traps and some cotton candy barbed wire
>Half of it is missing
>just have to make due
>harpy helps me crumble up a package of gram crackers for the sand 
>sprinkle it everywhere
>for some reason I have to crush up more graham crackers because I keep running out of the dust fast
>damn it
>at least I still have a lot of sprinkles
>add dashes of the the brass casing lookalike sprinkles to the beach
>now
>for the finishing touches
>the gingerbread men
>I go to grab my Ginger /k/ommando
>and
>He’s gone
>’Harper do you know where my Kommando went?’
>she just shrugs
>”maybe you fucking dropped it?”
>she burps
>then coughs
>piece of a gingerbread man's arm flys out onto the table 
>all four of us stop and look at it
>”I was… adding battle damage to it?”
>/k/ube help me

>finally finish putting the final touches on our ginger bunkers
>Drowbro and the skinwalker did a wonderful recreation of Omaha beach
>Axis gingerbreads with licorice M42’s firing on Allied gingerbreads trudging through graham cracker sand 
>Higgins LCVP sculpted from rice crispies and armored with a layer of fondant in place of a steel ramp
>Damn it Drowbro you're making me look bad 
>wait 
>Rice crispies?
>We didnt get any of those…
>Or, did we?
>Look at the harpy
>She gives me a smile
>Showing marshmallow fluff in her teeth and rice puffs on her lips
>Harpys
>Masters of self control they aren't
>Look from Drowbros and his skinwalkers ginger bunker to ours
>It’s supposed to be a recreation of a Soviet nuclear silo, with a group of Kommandos executing elves at it
>The silo idea being Harpers as an homage to the one we camped at
>SUPPOSED being the key word though
>More or less like it
>If you cock your head to the side and squint
>...
>If me and the harpy were good at making these I wouldn't be a bounty hunter
>Also ours is noticeably much much smaller than the one Drowbro and his skinwalker made
>I guess the pre portioned amount didn't take a harpy or sampling into account
>Drowbro smiles and nods
>”That is a good… *thing* you two made, a wonderful replica of…”
>’A nuclear silo’
>”Wait really? I-I mean, yes, that was… one of my guesses… somewhere down the line.”
>He exchanges a look with the skinwalker
>Both of them staring at the ginger bunker
>Skinwalker mutters something in heya-hooah that makes drowbro laugh
>Shit talking during christmas time
>sad
>”Say, Anon, ever heard of the netflix show Nailed It? It reminds me of… nevermind. 
>Mother fucker
>/k/ube help me

>Put the ginger bunkers aside to start cooking christmas eve dinner
>Cooking the usual earthside  christmas fare
>Baked ham, Au gratin potatoes, sweet potatoes, Cranberry jelly, and some pilsburry crossants because fuck you I didnt have the time to make regular rolls
>Drowbro also brought some Drow Queens Day delicacies 
>even though it’s a little weird bringing it because it's more like mothers day and it doesn't make sense to mix that day in with a celebration like christmas
>especially since he’s catholic 
>and should know this
>He says something about using it to venerate Mother Mary
>Whatever, having stuffed mushroom caps, pan fried portobello mushrooms, fresh cream of mushroom soup, and mushroom wine brandy in hot toddy’s and eggnog is very nice regardless of the reason why
>The girls set the table as me and Drowbro cook
>Meaning the harpy stands around holding a stack of napkins trying to look busy while the skinwalker attempts to make place setting for four people
>Start singing carols as we cook
>As is tradition with us
>Drowbro has a pretty good singing voice, reminiscent of a slightly more enthusiastic and off pitch Rob Halford
>Go down the whole list
>Good King Wenceslas, Jingle Bell Rock, What Child is this, Deck The Halls, all of them
>Even when the cooking as done we still continue on, sipping on eggnog and my own blend of hot toddy 
>The harpy loves her eggnog
>Sans brandy of course, since she is pregnant
>We want a kid we can take out Stalkering and innawoods, and if we can give it the best chance of being able to do that we will
>I want to teach him to shoot guns, build ginger bunkers, and reenact the battle of stalingrad in the snow
>Besides, the kids going to have enough brain damage already since it’s going to be related to us
>/k/ube help me



>Have christmas eve dinner
>Usually it would be just me, Drowbro, and maybe his  sister Sera if she was in town
>This though is much nicer
>After dinner we put on our traditional favorite christmas movie
>One that is not traditionally considered a christmas movie but everyone says is
>Fat Man with Mel Gibson 
>What? You thought I would say Die Hard?
>Fuck you, no
>Die Hard isn't a christmas movie and I’ll stand by that
>We watch through the movie, sipping hot chocolate, having pieces of the ginger bunkers for desert
>It gets late
>Drowbro and the skinwalker say their goodbyes to us
>They're going to his extended families home for christmas tomorrow
>Which is a mistake I only made once
>I’d rather not say what happened
>I don’t need to have the vietnam flashbacks
>Now, is time for christmas preparation
>Turn on song related https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvJ1HlJCd9Y
>Put up our /k/ommando stocking
>Surplus german jackboots hanging up by our radiator
>Because we don't have a fireplace in the apartment 
>But, we have a traditional solution to that
>some people leave the apartment santa key out
>We leave two magic Hatton rounds for shotgun breaching strung out on the door
>Unnecessary, yes, but it’s fun
>Also good practice for when the kid is here
>Put out some cookies for santa, as well as milk and a tablet of Pervatin on a stool by our christmas tree
>Nuzzle into bed together
>Sinatra's version of I’ll Be Home For Christmas is softly playing
>Harper is snuggled up with me smiling, cooing and snoring at the same time
>Really is a peaceful night
>/k/ube be praised


>Wake up in the morning
>Today is a special day
>It is christmas
>Shake the harpy awake
>Mutters half dazed and confused
>Sleepy half lidded eyes look at me
>”What the fuck… Anon go back to sleep todays not christmas.”
>’Actually it is.’
>Shoots up and awake like a bullet
>”holy fuck what? But it hasn’t been christmas for the past fucking month?”
>...
>’y-yeah… so that means, it’s christmas today.’
>Sleepy harpy looks at me confused
>The brain fog clears
>Wide smile splits her face
>”did fucking santa come?”
>’lets find out’
>She gives me a knowing grin
>”I wonder if he brought me the damn pet slug I asked for.”
>’The what?’
>”You know, the big ol fluffy fucking white slugs with bunny ears. One of my friends' brothers had one named Grapes, cute little bastard.”
>...
>’I think santa decided we have enough on our plate at the moment.’
>/k/ube help me

>get out of bed and check out the Christmas tree
>and behold
>Santa has come
>There's presents under the tree, the jackboots by the radiator have been filled, and the cookies, milk, and pervitin have been consumed
>Harpy is overjoyed
>”ITSFUCKINGCRISSMIS”
>Yes, it is
>We go through our stockings/jackboots first
>We go through mine first
>Mines filled with a few new steel magazines for my AK, a bunch of loose .45 ACP for my 1911, a few tins of Scho-Ka-Kola, some Krisp Kringles, and silly putty
>God I fucking love silly putty
>Must be the autist in me
>Harper is ecstatic as we go through hers
>Several half pound packages of beef jerky, a few FILTHY COMMIE PATCHES of various designs that she had been fawning over, many tins of Scho-Ka-Kola, chestnuts, packages of candied oranges, some regular oranges, and socks
>Socks…
>For a harpy
>...
>Yeah, that one wasn't thought through well
>Kelpy’s little sock we hung up for her has specially made mermaid food in it, as well as some mini toys for her bowl and tank 
>One of which is a squirtgun
>No way this can backfire
>Not at all
>/k/ube help me


>open the presents under the tree
>harper opens hers because ladies first
>And she’s impatient
>new drum mags for her PPSH-41, a nerf PPSH-42, a (replica) Sfera helmet, set of flannel pajamas, and…
>”ITS A STUFFED SLUG!” she says happily hugging it, the helmet tipping over her eyes
>”ITS SO FUCKING CUTE”
>Santa couldn't forget that
>She wants me to open mine
>Bayonet lug for my AK-47, spam cans of 7.62, new sling for my 12-gauge, insulated socks, a M14 nerf gun, and a m22 rig
>nice
>Harpy is ecstatic 
>Spend the rest of the morning shooting a each other with the nerf guns, and sharing Scho-Ka-Kola
>cook my traditional christmas brunch of Cinnamon rolls and Maple breakfast sausage 
>Me and the harpy eat it sitting on the couch, listening to Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra
>Theres very little that could be better than this
>And even if it was offered, I wouldn't want it
>harpy smiles at me
>”Hey, got something for you fuckhead”
>She gets up and bring back a present and throws it on me
>FUCK
>this things heavy
>motions for me to open it
>Open it up 
>Its a fucking 6B23 vest
>”Your ass is always getting shot the fuck up so I figured you could use an upgrade”
>Slip it on over my jams
>Fits nice 
>Look at the interior collar
>it is embroidered with the phrase “For Birdfucker, love ya”
>It’s beautiful
>It’s…
>oh dear
>I pull out a present of similar shape from behind the couch
>’uh, here, for you’
>Harpy takes present and opens it
>”ah”
>’yeah’
>it's a 6B23
>She tries putting it one
>Fits well enough, even if tight around the tummy
>She looks at her collar 
>marked with “For my bird, much love”
>”Probably fit better after the kids out.”
>’yeah’
>She smiles knowingly
>”Drowbro?”
>’yep.’
>Tackles me in a hug
>”You dumbass. I love it”
>Gift of the Magi eat your fucking heart out
>Harper nuzzles into me
>”Merry christmas faggot”
>’Merry Christmas Harper’
>Merry christmas, and a happy new year
>/k/ube bless us, every one


Merry Christmas Retards, and happy new year
-Harpy Anon, 2020