The story of the Black Powder Anon and his adventures

Written by BP Anon

Paste managed by Harpy Anon




>be me
>hate myself
>hate my life
>I have a dead end job
>this career pays well enough to survive and have some fun, but it leaves a hole in my heart
>I wanted to write stories, or cook, or innovate, or make movies or...something…
>But I’m just a pencil pusher at an office now
>my love life sucks
>yes I have a GF
>but all of the love is gone
>I’m pretty sure she is cheating on me
>not that she ever put out for me
>we pretty much been unofficially separated for several months now anyways
>besides, never really had much time for her anyways because of my job
>have to pay rent somehow
>....
>god what is wrong with me?
>my teenage self would hate me
>this isn’t what I wanted to do after I graduated
>I wanted to pursue my passions
>instead
>I am here
>laying on my bed
>regretting my life decisions
>hoping, wishing, praying, that something could break me out of this
>tfw
>get a news alert on my phone
>says something about a shelter in place procedure going on and more info will be released soon
>oh?
>on god?
>seems like my life just got more interesting


>go to the most reliable news source I can find
>an anonymous himilayan basket deconstructing forum
>dozens of fucking posts talking about what’s going on
>apparently portals just ripped open across the world
>chunks of earth are missing, new places got shoved here
>everything is all fucked up
>and then there’s the creatures…
>some people are reporting skinwalker and shit coming through these things
>is this Doom or something?
>whatever
>spend most of my night monitoring threads
>apparently people are saying you can go in and out of these portals, and that there’s a new world on the other side 
>...
>well shit
>a whole new unexplored world?
>that just...appeared?
>...
>now that sounds like an invitation to me
>fuck this life, I want out
>and this seems like the perfect escape
>now, it is time to prepare for my new life
>which means research



>spend the next two days inside my house, monitoring the situation
>get the facts down
>seems like our world combined with some fantasy world somehow
>which means fantasy creatures, fantasy realm, etc
>huh, okay
>I wouldn’t mind going to the fantasy world
>starting a new and better life there
>I realize I am trembling
>not from fear
>but
>excitement
>this is what I wanted
>my prayers have been answered
>begin to pack up my travel bag
>get the basic stuff out
>Travel gear, food, water, medical supplies
>but the most important things
>my guns
>it’s a fantasy world, so firearms aren’t really prevalent, right?
>right
>I look at my standard platform AR-15
>the most basic and common gun ever made
>an old friend helped me build it, but I never really took it out
>give it away to my fudd neighbor next door with the 100 rounds of ammo I had for it
>Inb4 the autistic screeching
>I am going to a fantasy world
>where be hell am I going to find real fucking NATO?
>where I’m going I won’t need it
>instead, I got something else
>something a little more sustainable
>my blackpowder guns


>I collected a few black powder revolvers a couple of years ago
>an 1858 military, 1851 confederate navy with some extra cylinders, both in .44
>a .36 1851 pepperbox 
>and a nice wood furniture .50 cal inline muzzleloader rifle
>...
>I-I-I don’t have a problem
>Baka 
>I just alway had a cowboy fantasy
>going out on the open range...
>all the world unexplored...
>just me, my side arm, my gear, and all of the unknown just waiting for me
>god that sounds nice
>...
>uh
>so yeah
>why black powder?
>well, there is very little reloading shit in the other world (probably)
>be tough to bulk manufacture real fucking nato when the shit you got is not very good or non existent 
>but you can make black powder, lead shot, wads, and caps out of pretty much anything
>shits not that hard
>I have a couple guides on it that I printed out
>and if a cowboy/settler used a black powder gun when exploring the new world, I can use it as well
>this is going to work out fine
>what’s the worst case?
>I die?
>not like my life here now is actually living
>I don’t want to just survive day to day
>I want to live
>and if I die in the process of achieving that dream, I’ll still be happy


>I get everything packed up inside my car
>a 1996 Buick roadmaster
>looks pretty much exactly like pic related
>...
>I like station wagons, ok?
>besides, it was my grandpas
>he sold it to me when he got a little too old to drive
>miss that crazy bastard
>he probably would’ve wanted to join me on this adventure
>I’ll do it for you old man
>everything is packed up
>time to kit up
>put on my belt and holster the 1858 army into it 
>stuff my .36 pepperbox into my leather jackets inner pockets
>pack the 1851 in my satchel bag
>got a lot of powder, shot, caps, and wads in here as well
>sling the .50 cal muzzleloader across my back
>admire myself in the mirror
>I look cool
>wait
>I need a hat
>get my grandpas old leather hat
>looks kind of like an Indiana Jones fedora, or an Australian outback hat
>look at myself in the mirror again
>now I look really cool
>now, time to tie up some loose ends
>call my work
>tell them that they can cram it
>call my “”””””GF””””
>tell her we are through
>hang up on her as she cries talking about how scared she is with all this going on
>I don’t care
>now, for the hard part
>call my family
>tell them that I probably am going to have spotty service, and they might not hear from me
>tell them all that I love them a lot
>hang up while definitely not shedding a couple tears
>totally not
>call landlord
>tell him “fuck you, your rent was always too high for this area”
>and then, I write a bit and leave it on the table
“Gone to the new world, probably won’t ever be back. Anyone who cares can try and find me there.”
>and there we are
>all those loose ends tied up
>I think


>Pull car out of the garage
>Make sure to get the spare cans of fuel for it
>Now you might be wondering why I ditched the gun and am keeping the car
>”BUT ANON THE NEW WORLD WON'T HAVE GAS!!111!”
>I know, and I would have still taken the car regardless, but I have come prepared
>Or, grandpa prepared me
>For some reason he decided to convert this thing into a duel fuel system where it can run on both gas and pure methanol
>something about it being cheaper since he can make it at home
>He was a real handy man, I’ll give him that
>Saved my ass in the long run
>I got maybe 800-1000 miles worth of fuel loaded in the trunk, plus about 400 miles on the current tank of gas, and I’ll probably stop off and get more before I get to the other side
>That should be more than enough, especially once I get through the portal
>Nothing but open land and dirt roads
>...
>Can a Buick handle that?
>Eh, I’ll figure it out later
>For now, I have to get to a portal first
>From what I’ve read there is one that opened up in the middle of downtown of a nearby city, and the Nat Guard are busy trying to keep some invading monsters in check
>which offers the perfect chance for me to slip by unnoticed and get to the portal
>probably going to be easier said than done, but hey, it’s worth it
>I can’t wait to see the other side
>get in the driver's seat and start my car
>take one last good look at my rental house
>and then pull out the driveway
>so long old house, I am going to find a HOME


>roads are surprisingly empty
>people seem to be taking the shelter in place order seriously
>losers
>sitting around and just taking it is what led me to hate my life
>driving down the road actually feels good
>this is the same way I would have taken to get to work
>it feels different now
>and not just because I’m loaded up with the best weapons the 19th century has to offer
>theres a sense of finality
>as if this is the last time I will ever see this place
>...
>well, actually, this IS the last time I ever will see this place
>At least it should be
>I’ll be pissed if this turns out to be a dream
>I’m not suicidal, but I probably will be if this gets interrupted by an alarm clock
>I don't want to have to go to work
>Snap myself out of those thoughts
>This is real, this is happening, I am here
>turn on the radio to listen to some music
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIgZ7gMze7A Song related is playing
>Very fitting
>Luckily I got a bunch of songs downloaded on my phone
>Probably won’t be much radio where I am going
>And yes, I brought a solar charger
>Pretty much thought of everything
>I hope
>Drive down the road for a solid half hour
>Stop at the gas station on the side of the road that marks the halfway point between me and the city
>local Habeeb owned run down station
>typically would stop here for a late dinner after work
>maybe I should pick up a meal for later and some snacks here
>No 7/11 where I am going


>Park my car at a pump and get out
>Go inside the gas station
>Stereotypical teenage Habeeb is working at the counter
>Almost too interested in the small bunny ear TV playing the news to notice me
>Look over at whats on the news
>Aerial footage of some riots that have broken out in melanin enriched areas relating to the portals opening
>fucking nig nogs
>They’ll jump at whatever chance they get to chimp out and go looting
>Get Habeebs attention
>He looks at me strangely
>Probably not used to seeing the embodiment of the west standing in front of him
>”Fifty on pump seven, keep the change”
>Slap down two crisp Jackson and a hamilton
>Habeeb raises an eyebrow at me
>Not like I’m going to need american dollars where I am going
>He takes the money with a shrug
>”will dat be all sir?”
>”Gonna get some snacks real fast, be right back.”
>Browse around the mini market
>Get a bunch of bags of doritos, Lays, and cheetos
>Snag an entire pallet of snickers
>Yes, I already have a bunch of snack foods with me, but it never hurts to have more
>Better have it not need it, than need it not have it
>So I’m going all out
>...
>I-I’m not a fatass, alright?
>I just remember that post about how a single dorito probably has more flavor in it than a medieval peasant would ever experience in their entire life
>these snacks last forever, so even if I don't end up eating them, I can barter with them
>Wonder what the jarl or duchess of a town will think when I offer them the gift of M&M filled trail mix?
>Or maybe some knights will accompany me if I offer them beef jerky?
>I laugh at the prospects of this
>I’m having way to much fun with this
>Habeeb is staring at me out of the corner of his eye like I’ve gone insane
>In a way, I have
>But I don’t care
>the new world better be ready for me, because I’m going to be ready for it


>Get about $250 worth of gas station snacks to add to my supplies stockpile in the back of my Buick
>Suddenly hear a gurgling
>Is that a monster?
>A sharp pang hits my gut
>Oh Fuck
>All the bacon I cooked up for breakfast so It didn't get wasted has decided to remind me of its existence
>FuckFuckFuck
>Drop off all that I am carrying on one of those Ice cream cooler boxes
>”I’ll be back for this!” I shout to Habeeb as I run towards the restroom
>Fling open the door and run to the farthest stall
>Barely make it in time
>Breath a sigh of relief as my gut stops hurting
>Thank god it decided to hit me now
>They probably don’t have nice toilets in the other world
>That’s one thing I will miss
>I got a stock of toilet paper and wet wipes with me, but I’ll be sad when those run out
>Maybe they have magic toilet paper over on the other side?
>Or do they just use spells or something like that?
>My musing is cut off as I hear loud yelling come from outside the bathroom
>It sounds like some people of the basketball american variety are arguing with Habeeb
>Not like I really give a fuck
>Try to hurry up as fast as I can so my car doesn’t get broken into by the prospective scientists and engineers
>Shouting is getting louder
>God damn it Habeeb just give them their newports for what they are asking
>*BLAM*
>If I weren't sitting on the toilet I would have just shit myself
>That was a gunshot
>...
>Oh fuck


>It takes a few seconds for the realization to click
>that was a gunshot
>an honest to god gunshot
>in this store
>well fuck
>the shouting and arguing has quieted down
>...
>someone just got shot
>I might be next
>shit
>I use my non wiping hand to grab the pepperbox from my leather jacket
>hold it unsteadily
>bathroom door swings open
>hear some footsteps come in
>pull my feet up so they don’t show under the stall
>I’m pretty much standing on the toilet, squatting down, with a gun in my hand, and my pants around my ankles
>and I’m only a few hours into my journey
>this is an interesting omen
>not sure if it’s good or bad though
>hear pants unzip
>pissing noises starts
>squatting like this is making me feel uncomfortable
>especially in my gut
>oh god I hope I don’t have to shit more
>hear nig nog muttering
>a loud sniff
>”God damn, it smells like ass in here!”
>as if on cue my gut releases the pressure in a long drawn out noise
>there’s a long silence
>”Yo what the fuck? Some nigga rippin ass in here?”
>well shit
>fuck you too stomach


>”Ayo! Where dah fuck you is?”
>hear a stall getting kicked in
>oh fuck
>the stall next to me gets kicked in
>oh god 
>pull back the hammer on the pepperbox
>”Aw hell no, we heard dat! Nigga we comin in!”
>HERE WE GO
>stall door gets kicked in
>stereotypical nig nog holding a hi-point darts his head around
>he makes eye contact with me and stops
>”wut da hell?”
>well, that would be my reaction to seeing a man in a cowboy outfit with his pants down and dick out holding a pepperbox revolver
>point the pepperbox at him
>yell the first thing that comes to mind
>”HI NIGGER!”
>pull the trigger
>*BOOM*
>the loud boom echoes in the enclosed bathroom and makes my ear ring
>the .36 ball smashes into his chest and he falls back spasming
>”AYO WHAT THE FUCK TYRESE”
>Nigga #2 jumps in with a kitchen knife in his hand
>*BOOM*
>He goes down as the round hits his face
>bathroom is clouded with a layer of smoke and a smell that is similar to fireworks
>I cough as I pull the hammer back
>Hear shouting from outside the bathroom
>Pull up my pants and hold them with a single hand
>Walk to the bathroom door, stepping over the two twitching bodies
>Door is kicked open by some discount shaquille o'neal holding a beat up shotgun
>He pauses, looking at me confused
>”Da fuck?”
>*BOOM*
>Round to the chest causes him to stumble back
>Fire a second shot point blank and he goes down
>see two others running out of the store
>Fire the last two shots in their general direction, knocking out the glass of the windows by them
>Watch as they dive into some getaway car which quickly speeds off
>My breathing is heavy and panicked
>I look around me
>I just killed three men in a matter of...what? Ten seconds?
>Jesus fuck
>...
>I still need to wipe my ass


>Ok, so
>What do I do now?
>...
>i’m going to finish wiping my ass
>Step back over the twitching bodies
>I sure hope they are dead
>I don’t want to have to call an ambulance
>Or do a mercy killing for that matter
>Thankfully they stay quiet as I finish up my business and wash my hands
>Check out the rest of the gas station
>Habeeb is dead
>Looks like he took a shotgun blast to the face
>Throw up in my mouth a little at the sight of that
>This entire situation feels like a weird dream
>Am I actually here? Right now? Doing this?
>I wave my hand in front of my face
>Still five fingers, no slow motion blur
>Check the time
>Yep, there still is time
>I am here
>This is real
>What the hell do I do?
>Go back and pick up my stuff I was going to buy
>Add some more on top of it
>Because fuck it, why not?
>walk back up to the counter and set all the stuff on it so I can pay
>...
>I’m an idiot
>But, seeing the back counter gives me an Idea
>Grab the bulk box of lighters from behind the counter and several cartons of cigarettes and cigars
>These will make for good currency
>Put the cigars, lighters, and cigarettes on the counter
>Take out the snacks and shit to my car
>Luckily it remains untouched
>good
>Put the stuff in the back seat
>Go back for the smokes
>Pick up the cartons
>make eye contact...well, look at habeeb's dead body
>I can’t leave him like this
>Besides, this makes me feel like a criminal
>Pull out the cash from my wallet
>I have…
>$47 dollars
>...
>well, fuck me for wanting to pay with card and get cash back
>leave the cash on the counter
>Nig nogs took the cash register
>Walk out, but not before grabbing the computer drive the security cameras were hooked up to
>I am not becoming a wanted man for self defence
>Drive off as fast as I can
>Damn that was close
>I could have died back there
>...
>I forgot to get gas
>Damn it



>I drive down the road more
>Next gas station is about seven miles away
>I don’t like the owner too much, but i’ll fill up anyways
>As I’m driving a thought comes to my mind
>Pull over to the side of the road
>Park the car
>Take the keys out of the ignition
>Sit there in absolute silence for a few seconds
>Then scream
>I scream at the top of my lungs
>Horror, fear, rage, sorrow, whatever
>It feels like a kettle releasing pressure
>After a few minutes of screaming I quiet down
>I’m shaking a little bit
>what the hell?
>I just killed three men
>I saw a dead body blown to bits
>Fuck
>FUCK
>this isn't at all how I expected this to go
>I didn't expect I would need to actually shoot anyone
>I mean, I was more than ready to kill monsters
>Just not actual people…
>And so soon into this journey…
>Four dead
>Four dead bodies today
>Jesus christ
>This is already too much
>what am I even doing?
>this is stupid
>I should go home
>Just make a U turn and go back
>Unpack everything
>And really think about all this
>...
>Well, I already quit my job
>And told my landlord he can suck it
>and broke up with my GF
>and told my family I would be going
>...
>Well, I’m already this far...I guess…
>And what better alternative do I have?
>I start back up my car, and get back on the road
>and I hope that I won’t have to kill anyone else today


>Drive down to the other local gas station
>Fill up my tank using my card
>Fuck you Ahmed, you can deal with the bank fee’s
>turn on the radio as I get towards the city
>Anchors on the news are saying that a full scale evacuation is underway, and that national guard has been deployed in force
>As if on cue helicopters fly overhead
>Get look at them as they soar away
>looks like a few Chinooks
>Reminds me of some shitty zombie movie
>Wait, do zombies exist on the other side?
>They probably do
>I hope that they haven't come over here
>I don’t want to be blasting the undead hordes yet
>I can barely shoot three basketball americans
>Damn the feds for keeping this information from us
>Pass by one of those large electric road signs that usually says the average time to get to a place
>Its lights are lit up saying “CITY IN LOCKDOWN, DO NOT ENTER.”
>ThisSignWontStopMeBecauseICantRead.Jpg
>Pull over on the side of the road again
>I’m only about 20 minutes from the outskirts of the city
>I need to go over my plan
>Load back up my pepperbox as I listen to the radio
>Little bit harder to do in a car, but I manage
>Luckily I don’t use the oversized shot and the lead balls plop right in
>I don't want to set up the revolver press right here and now
>Ok, so
>From what I have gathered, several portals opened up in down town and really fucked shit up
>the Nat Guard is posted around them, and they have been trying to keep them in check with a mixed amount of success
>Thank you Anons who posted those Webms, it really helped
>My plan pretty much boils down to this
>Drive through the outskirts of the city, avoiding the center where the Nat Guard is set up
>Go around them, then sneak into one of the portals closest to me
>It’s a simple plan, but some of the best ones are
>If it goes as I have written out come tomorrow I will be watching the sunrise of a world I have never seen
>IF it goes to plan
>I expect this to get really fucked up


>Get my plan ready and drive down the road
>Turn back on the radio
>Song related is playing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgnClrx8N2k
>Should be about twenty minutes away from the city
>I can see a reasonable amount of cars leaving from the city on the opposite side of the road
>Most of them look packed to the brim with people and stuff, like they are moving
>Well, they probably are
>Not like this is a temporary problem…
>The ol cherries and berries blinking up ahead at what looks like a huge DUI checkpoint
>Oh great, the sheriffs are out
>Maybe I can pass off as someone being forced to go to work?
>LikeThatsGoingToHappen.Shrek
>Who would force their employee to go to work when the world is practically ending?
>Still, it’s my best shot
>I’m going to feel like an ass if I have to get turned around at this point
>Slow my speed down as I get to the checkpoint
>Lead cop waves me over and I stop
>stare blankly ahead with my hands on the wheel
>an SUV is flanking either side of me, and a spike strip and several cones are blocking my progress
>Officer Ponch comes up to my window and taps on it
>Roll it down
>”Hey Buddy, did you read the sign? City is under lockdown. Why are you heading this way?”
>Look at him without moving my head
>”Uh, work?”
>Look to my left 
>Officer Baker is staring in at me from my other window
>”Your boss is having you come into work?”
>I just give a nod and a “Yep”
>The officers share a similar look
>”Ok buddy, I’m going to let you down the road so you can make a U-turn and head away…”
>Fuck yeah
>”But first, I’m going to ask you some question
>Fuck no


>I give another nod
>”Sure thing officer, whatever you say.”
>I hope they don’t know that I shot a few men back there
>That would be a little awkward
>”First off, are you carrying anything on you or in the car that you want me to know about? Any dangerous items?”
>Shift eyes to the .50 cal muzzleloader in the backseat
>Then to the satchel bag with my gunpowder and 1851 Navy In it
>glance at my holster with the 1858 and then to the pepperbox poking through in my jacket
>Cops are glaring at me
>They can see it all
>”well…No, Of course not.”
>Ponch lets out a sigh
>”Yeah...sure…”
>I nod 
>”yep. Nothing at all.”
>He rolls his eyes
>”question two, what are you doing traveling with all this stuff?”
>Glance into the backseat
>I need a good excuse
>”Work stuff.”
>”Work stuff?”
>”work stuff.”
>Look over at Officer Baker
>He mouths “Work Stuff?” to ponch
>Ponch shrugs
>”work stuff” he mutters in a tired tone
>Both of them lean back from my car
>”alright, you check out. Now, we’re going to move our stuff so you can go down the road and MAKE A U-TURN, and not go any further towards the city, understand?”
>I nod my head
>”Sure...sure thing.”
>”I mean it, alright? We aren’t going to chase you down, but if you go any closer to the city it’s your funeral.” 
>I nod
>”Loud and clear sir.”
>Ponch lets out a sigh and massages the bridge of his nose
>”yeah...right…”
>Spikestrip and cones get moved
>I drive forward
>Get about 50 feet before thought comes to my mind
>Put car into reverse and go back to them
>Roll down my window
>”Uh, real quick before I go. Don’t go to Habeeb's gas station back there, alright?”
>Cops share a tired glance
>”Why not?”
>”Uh...It’s closed. Habeeb isn't there...That’s why.”
>Cops shakes his head
>”get going.” he says and jerks his thumb
>Floor it and speed off
>Get out of distance of the checkpoint
>...
>That went surprisingly well


>Flooring it down the highway is easy
>does this count as *technically*  running from the cops?
>I think it might
>I can add that to the list of things I’ve done
>I see the U-turn area where I could get onto the other side of the freeway
>it’s fucking packed with honking cars
>hell even if I wanted to make a U-turn and get on there I wouldn’t be able to
>not that I even considered that
>I’m onto a new life
>continue driving down the road
>I can see smoke faintly rising from the city
>reminds me of that scene from the first episode of the walking dead
>not like I watched anything after the first episode but it still reminds me of that scene
>traffic sign says I’m near the uptown district, so I got a good few miles to travel inna city to get to downtown where the portals are
>plus have to avoid police and Natty Guard checkpoints
>and possible war zones
>and looters
>fuck looters
>time to follow my map and avoid everything by going along the outskirts
>no way in hell would I want to deal with the shit going on through the city
>I’m just going to circumvent that and avoid the fighting
>take a right a few blocks before the city entrance
>you can hear the crack bang of gunfire and explosions
>can’t tell if it’s fireworks or grenades
>there’s a few burning cars, some of which are just smoldering black shells
>damn looters
>want any excuse to burn and raid
>as I follow the outskirts of the city I notice that it doesn’t seem to be getting any better
>no
>infact
>wait
>is it….getting worse?
>well fuck


>sure enough this shit is getting worse
>more burned out cars
>destroyed buildings
>lots of things are on fire
>lots and lots of things
>there’s an entire Nat Guard APC that looks like it was cleaved in half by something
>uh
>t-this was the better direction
>right?
>I mean, if this area was already looted and burned, that means it’s not of interest to anyone, is it?
>continue driving with my 1858 in my lap
>I’ll go full cowboy on a fucking Jogger if I have to
>add another to my list
>should I put kill marks on my grips?
>that would be cool…
>make the fantasy ladies swoon with how badass I am
>they probably like the idea of a man who could defend himself
>did knights put notches in their swords or something?
>I’m almost too lost in thought and nearly forget to swerve away from the closed lane
>fuck that was close
>don’t want to drive my car into wet asphalt
>that would put a huge damper on my plans
>as I swerve I hear gunshots
>oh fuck what now?
>I see a fat, short, stumpy man run out of an alleyway
>he’s wearing strange clothing and goggles
>has a weird crossbow thing in one hand, there’s a drum attached to it
>other hand is clutching something
>I watch as he awkwardly cranks the handle on the drum and the crossbow starts firing a bolt with every successive crank down the alleyway
>oh shit that’s fucking cool
>half his head explodes off as a random round smacks into it
>he drops like a sack of potatoes 
>oh shit that’s not fucking cool


>whatever he was shooting at or was shooting at him seems to run away
>and whatever he was holding is now in the wet asphalt
>...
>should I…
>loot the body?
>I mean, that is a pretty cool crossbow
>would be a shame if it were to go to waste
>but that’s rude
>but so is wasting stuff
>I have my roadmaster stopped and am contemplating on what to do
>the thing he was holding is glowing now
>that’s weird
>is it a magic tracker or something?
>out of the alley come a squad of Nat Guard
>uh oh
>they point at me and shout unintelligibly
>this isn’t good
>what looks to be the sergeant walks up to my car and slams his fist on my window in a shitty attempt at a knock
>roll it down
>”what the hell are you doing here? The city is under lockdown!”
>”I got lost?”
>”HOW THE HELL DO YOU GET LOST?!”
>the rest of the squad has come over and surrounded my car
>hear a strange cracking sound
>sneak a glance behind sergeant
>the asphalt is shifting and correcting around the glowing thing
>that is much not gooder than an angry squad
>”uh...what is..”
>”CAN IT CIVY! You’re going to get out of the car, you’re under arrest”
>the mound of asphalt grows bigger
>and starts growing upright
>”please look behind you.”
>get a fist to the teeth
>”I SAID CAN IT! NOW GET OUT!”
>I rub my face
>I think my nose is bleeding
>look at the sergeant and nod
>and then look behind him
>the mound is now taller than a man
>and it has arms and legs
>and two glowing eyes that look pissed
>oh fuck


>Sergeant is now yelling because I’m staring off into the distance
>the asphalt is growing bigger
>”DID I GIVE YOU BRAIN DAMAGE? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”
>point my finger at that thing
>Sergeant looks behind himself
>”what in the fuck? WHAT THE HELL!?”
>All the Nat guards look in horror as the Asphalt golem takes its first steps towards us
>luckily I already had my pure horrified shock over with
>now, let’s move
>slam my foot on the gas pedal
>Car lurches as it accelerates
>National guardsman step back from the powerful vehicle that is the Buick
>except for the one who was leaning on my hood
>he gets shoved off 
>hear a nasty crunch and screaming
>glance at the mirror 
>I just ran over that guys leg
>well that sucks for him
>shout “SO LONG GAY BOWSERS” as I drive away
>they don’t hear me or respond
>they’re too busy dealing with the asphalt golem
>Laugh as their real fucking nato just bounces off it
>serves them right
>Asphalt golem swings at one of them
>Nat guardsmen gets hit in the chest and sent flying
>tfw he just splatters against the side of a building
>tfw more and more of them are literally getting crushed and smashed
>ok maybe that’s a little cruel
>but at least it’s them and not me though
>the Asphalt golem finishes pasting the guardsmen
>then it turns to me
>Fugg DDD:::
>it’s going to be me next


>floor it even more than I am
>the asphalt golem starts trudging towards me
>kinda waddles like an obese land whale shuffling over to the nearest Arby’s
>...
>Slow down the Buick a little bit
>look back at it
>damn he’s moving slow
>can’t help but smile and laugh
>point at it laughing
>Golem stumbles a little bit
>and then starts walking 
>that walk turns into a jog
>then a run
>oh fuck it’s sprinting at me
>tfw it’s charging like a rhino
>I SHOULDNT HAVE LAUGHED
>FLOORIT.SpongeBob
>drive recklessly like a bat out of hell
>it keeps gaining on me
>My advantage on it is MAYBE 500ft
>and it’s closing the distance fast
>It reminds me of that monkey on the bicycle chasing the little girl
>Hear sirens
>a fucking police car comes barreling down the intersection
>it swerves and starts chasing after me
>oh boy, running from the police twice in one day
>I’ll add that to the list of badass shit I’ve done
>do the National Guard technically count as well?
>I hope so
>glance on my rear view mirror
>the Asphalt golems sprint has made it catch up to the police car
>slams its fist into it
>police car spins out and does a Michael Bay style flip
>see at one deputy get ejected, skid for several feet, and then crushed under the golems foot
>Asphalt golem stops to rip apart the squad car even more
>it’s going berserk on it
>like a Downey kid tearing apart a lego set because it was missing the Yoda figure



>Tokyo drift  and powerslide around the corner as the Asphalt Golem gets distracted killing the cop car
>Totally don’t scream my lungs out like a little girl as my world shifts to the side
>Buick screeches and rocks
>Feels like I’m going to tip over for a few seconds but then the world goes right
>Drive at well over the speed limit, trying to put as much distance between me and that thing
>Take a couple seperate lefts and rights randomly, trying to keep it off my tail
>Slow down after a couple minutes
>Stop and pull into an alleyway, taking a breather
>Fucking hell
>today has been stressful
>I’ve seen how many people die?
>ten? Fifteen?
>God damn it's not even the evening
>I was expecting death, just not this much
>And that thing that the dwarf made
>not even a modern gun could pierce that thing
>could my black powder guns do anything against it?
>Maybe it could blow off a small chunk, but still, I don’t think I could kill it
>Best to just avoid it for now
>Maybe I’ll make a cannon later and come back and hunt it down
>...
>You know what, I’m going to write that down
>Write a sticky note saying “MAKE A CANNON TO KILL ASPHALT” and shove it in my sun vizor
>like that will ever happen, but still, it’s a nice thought
>now
>Where am I?
>Check my phone GPS app to get my location so I can find exactly where I am
>map is loadig
>and loading
>and loading
>It can’t find my exact location
>damn
>Zoom in to the city where I am at
>Ok, I haven't actually used a real map since my days in the boyscouts before they were cucked, so this is going to be a shitshow
>Check the street signs outside of my alleyway to see what intersection I am near
>Luckily it isn’t Malcom X drv and MLK blvd
>Find them on my map
>takes me a little longer than I am proud of
>especially considering I accidentally was looking in Arizona for at least seven minutes
>ok so if I’m here…
>then that means I’m roughly…
>ten miles off course
>and am almost smack dab near the middle of the city
>exactly where I didn’t want to be
>well shit



>Decide to say fuck it and go through the center of the town
>I’m already here, and that damn asphalt golem is probably still lurking around
>let’s see if I take this street it will lead me near…
>MLK Blvd. and Malcom X street
>you can’t make this shit up man
>Well, in the choice of niggas and asphalt monster, I’ll take the less deadly one
>which of course is…
>...
>well that's a tough one actually
>At least asphalt monsters aren't a drain on my tax dollars
>but I know I can at least shoot niggers
>not that I really want to kill anymore people
>If I could just make it to the other side of the portal that would be great
>Start back up my car and continue driving down the street
>This area seems kind of untouched
>I remember coming down here
>took my ex gf on a couple dates
>we went down here, had dinner, saw movies, and looked around at the shops
>It really was a pleasant place
>And there's the mall
>Never was much one for the mall
>Just was dragged there on dates
>There was a good hunting store in there though
>Not to mention they had a delicious pretzel place
>Damn I loved those pretzels
>you could smell them being cooked even from outside of the mall
>Too bad the mall is halfway burned out now and most likely has been looted
>not that the pretzel place would be open now
>Drive by the mall
>sure enough it looks half burned down, and very looted
>looks like there might be some people in there though strangely enough
>bunch of freshly parked cars and everything
>Interesting…
>roll down the windows curiously
>Sure enough
>I smell pretzels
>A pretzel in cheese dip would be good
>Do they have pretzels in the new world?
>Fuck I'm going to be craving a pretzel and get distracted
>Have an internal battle of thoughts
>On one hand, going into the mall would be an unnecessary risk
>on the other hand
>can't get pretzels in fantasy land
>Besides, I got my revolvers, and my .50 cal
>what's the worst that could happen?



>the concrete parking garage is still standing, so I drive into it
>apparently the fact that it was concrete didn’t stop some looters from trying to burn it
>idk why
>drive up all the way to the second floor from the top
>Don’t want anyone to see it on the roof from overhead, or be exposed at the bottom
>Take my pick of the parking spots
>It’s right in the middle so it's hard to see from the outside as well
>Hell, it’s not a bad position
>Theres a few looted cars down towards the bottom of the structure, but the ones up here are relatively untouched
>Last thing I want is my car getting touched by a loot gremlin
>wait
>Do gremlins exist in the new world?
>Oh shit
>I might have to worry about realm loot gremlins soon
>If someone steals the stuff I looted fair and square I’m going to be upset
>Lock the car, sling my .50 cal on my shoulder, and begin walking to the stairwell
>Get to the elevator and stairwell
>...
>Now, I’m not lazy, but I wonder…
>*ButtonClickNoises.Mp3*
>*DING*
>tfw the elevator still works
>step into the elevator
>Smells like shit in here
>look over
>tfw there's a dead body of some hype beast looking guy
>he’s missing his shoes, belt, and his SUPREME(™) sweater is stained with blood
>someone shanked mah nigga for his timbs
>elevator door closes before I can step out
>well this is awkward
>”Uh, going down?”
>the corpse doesn't respond
>thats good
>If it did I would know I was going insane
>or I would have to fight a necromancer or lich or some other magical fucker
>I don’t think I am prepared enough for that
>Hit the down button before the hypebeast starts talking to me
>and we start going down


>Hit the ground floor
>”This is my stop, so I’m just going to...yeah seeyah”
>step out of the reeking elevator and get a breath of fresh air
>Look back at the dead guy
>feel a little bad for the guy
>wait, whats that in his pockets?
>looks like a little white case
>Rare Loot Item?
>wait a minute
>Time for a boring mental debate
>Should I leave the already desecrated dead in peace?
>it would be a dick move to take more from him
>But on the other hand, he won’t be using it anymore
>But he also is dead because someone wanted what he had
>...
>Well if I’m going by that logic, I shouldn't have taken the cigs and stuff from the gas station
>And if I were to be stabbed to death in a random mall elevator and got my gucci belt and timbs stolen by some nig nog, I would want some guy like myself to come along and take the leftover stuff
>Check out the items in his pocket before I can comprehend my own mental gymnastics
>He has
>x1 Knockoff Louis Vuitton wallet (empty)
>x1 Supreme money clip (empty)
>x1 airpods case
>Oh? Airpods?
>Pick them up
>they always seemed interesting, but I never bought them because I don’t like buying expensive things
>I wonder
>Check my phone
>Yep, they can pair
>wipe them off with some hand sanitizer I have
>Pair them to my phone
>put them in
>Play https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrDKoXWKMmY in them
>Now, for the mall
>Oh yeah, its gamer time


>ok, mall time 
>still have https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrDKoXWKMmY playing in my newly acquired AirPods
>now, time to explore the mall
>go inside and it is surprisingly intact, save for the half burned down section
>a good amount of stores appear to be unbroken into
>still a bunch of glass everywhere though
>and some puddles of blood
>lots of blood
>and smudge marks like the body laying in the puddle got dragged away
>ImGonnaPretendIDidntSeeThat.Jpg
>through the lingering smell of smoke I can make out the scent of pretzels
>good
>pretzels will be mine
>with cheese dip
>maybe an ice cold lemonade if they have it
>I hear the crunching of feet on glass
>oh wait
>that’s right
>other people exist
>and so do monsters now
>pull up my .44 army
>take cover behind one of those comically large plant pots that malls have by the center fountain
>OhBoyHereIGoKillingAgain.Gif
>peek out from behind my cover
>there’s someone on the other side of the fountain
>it looks like some chick in cosplay
>the best way to describe it is a touhu characters outfit mixed with some purple dress
>what fucking weeb is walking around in cosplay during all this?
>wait, female weeb?
>that doesn’t exist
>unless it’s a trap
>in that case I’m shooting it regardless
>time for the moment of truth
>stand up with gun aimed at person
>”who goes there? Are you friendly or not friendly?”
>person turns to look at me
>S(he) gives a smile
>oh
>wait a minute
>pointy ears
>dainty looking face
>those eyes don’t look natural either
>”hello denizen of this world!”
>....
>wtf the fuck is this thing?


>keep revolver pointed at weird weeb creature
>it doesn’t look harmful
>but neither does a chihuahua and yet those annoying fucks rip your ankles off
>whatever this is doesn’t seem to mind having a loaded .44 pointed at it
>it’s just looking at me and smiling
>this is off putting
>I don’t like this
>”so, who the hell are you?”
>thing does a weird curtsy bow
>oh
>well it’s definitely female
>on a separate note maybe her clothing shouldn’t be that loose with nig nogs around
>she has this strange shimmer around her
>like glitter or something
>”My name is *incoherent weird gibberish*, and what might your name be denizen?”
>yeah I have no idea what she said there
>weird weeb girl
>”oh, well my name is…”
>stop myself and think for a second
>do I really want to say my real name to this thing?
>no
>time for an alias
>think for a second on what it should be
>perfect idea comes to mind 
>”my name is Anon, nice to meet you?”
>She seems to consider what I said for a second
>”well met Anoon”
>stand there facing her awkwardly
>this is the worst time for the social autism to kick in
>”what’s wrong Anyon? Have you never seen the beauty of a high elf princess before?”
>she’s an elf?
>pointy ears
>haughty
>dressed like a weeb
>yeah it all checks out
>”well, no, not really. Ever met a human before?”
>”not really, no.”
>both stand there awkwardly looking at each other
>weird
>I shrug
>”so, what are you doing here?”
>”I am wondering that with you as well”
>great
>first time talking to a different sentient species and we both are retarded 


>Gesture with my revolver
>”Ladies first”
>Elf shrugs
>”What do you want to know?”
>fucking damn it
>What do I want to know?
>I could ask about the other side, what it is like
>I could ask about why she is here and what her purpose is
>Could ask about magic, she's probably magic right?
>I could even ask her about herself
>”Uh, whats your favorite color?”
>damn it
>Elf looks at me confused
>”Favorite color?”
>”Yeah, you know, the color you like the most?”
>Elf looks at me like I’m stupid
>Probably because I am
>”Purple is nice, it’s a good royal color. Now my turn for a question. What’s that thing youre carrying?”
>”Mines maroon, purple is nice.”
>Wait fuck nevermind
>”Huh? It's a maroon?”
>”I meant a revolver.”
>Elf is confused even more
>”What does the maro- I mean revolver do?”
>How the hell do you explain a gun?
>”It’s a weapon, launches a metal round at high speeds. Like a bow, but faster. Very deadly.”
>Elf considers this for a second
>”So it’s almost like a wand, would you say?”
>”In a way”
>the elf laughs
>”Well even if it is deadly, it certainly will never pass my magic shield I have cast around me, it allows me to walk around unharmed by anything.”
>Oh really?
>Part of me wants to shoot at her to test this
>Part of me knows that if she is wrong she will probably die


>Alright, now for the elf to talk
>”So, why are you here?”
>Elf shrugs
>”I was bored. A portal opened and I decided to come over here. Father was furious, but I have my magic so it is fine.”
>She was bored
>What kind of explanation is that?
>Oh wait nevermind
>Can't fault her for that
>”What is this place? Tell me Anyan.”
>This place?
>”What do you mean? This world, or the mall?”
>”What's a mall?”
>Gesture around
>”This is a mall, it’s like a shopping place of sorts. Lot’s of stores, lots of people, they even sell good food here.”
>Good food
>Like pretzels
>I can’t be distracted from my ultimate goal
>”This place doesn't seem to be very busy, are you sure lots of people come here? Its very sad and damaged looking.”
>...
>You come to my realm, and you have the audacity to insult my mall because youre fantasy fag freinds and a bunch of niggers trashed the place?
>what a bitch
>explain that its much nicer when the end of the world isnt going on outside
>Manages to get a laugh out of her
>”Fair point human, it is like the Bazars. They were fine and prosperous until the bearded humans with the cloth headwraps invaded”
>What the fuck?
>how did ISIS get into the fantasy world before I did
>That makes me sad in a weird way
>Wait
>Bazaar
>Bazaar means shopping
>And maybe food
>Maybe they DO have pretzels in fantasy land
>”Tell me, have you ever heard of a pretzel?”


>Elf shakes head no at this question
>She never has heard of a soft pretzel
>PRETZEL TIME
”You see, pretzels are one of the best things to have ever come out of the country known as Germany. They are the best type of soft, doughy, bready item you can ever find, wrapped up into a bow to show that they are the perfect pastry gift to the world. The regular pretzel is gently sprinkled with large salt flakes, and is paired with a wonderful variety of dips. Melted, spicy cheese is the best of these dips, and occasionally a dab of mustard if desired. Paired with an ice cold lemonade they are the best thing you could have. Of course, they do go into desert territory, and pretzels flavored with cinnamon sugar or buttery almond flakes makes for a fine treat.”
>Catch my breath after all that
>Elf looks overwhelmed
>And a little creeped out
>”Are you… a religious pilgrim? Is this a religion?”
>”uh, no, I just like pretzels.”
>Elf nods in understanding
>”I see, well then. Okay. Sounds like a Sweet tube.”
>A sweet tube?
>”Whats that?”
>Elf explains that a sweet tube is like a long, dryish pastry that has a sweet and salty, caramel like flavor
>Apparently its really good dipped in milk
>Sounds interesting enough
>I will have to try it on the other side
>me and the elf continue talking for a few minutes
>Just asking stuff back and forth
>Mainly about simple stuff
>everyday item, things like that
>Not much to write down
>Things get awkwardly silent again after a little bit
>”Well, human, it was good talking to you, I shall now continue my exploration of this realm.”
>”Uh, same to you, good luck.”
>We both turn and go opposite directions
>that was a nice talk
>Hopefully I get to meet more of them
>wait
>Maybe I should see if she wants to join me?
>An elf companion exploring would be fun
>Turn to talk
>Oh
>She’s already gone
>...
>Well, ok then


>No time to wonder where the elf went, I must go get pretzel
>That's the only reason why I am here
>Not to make friends with weird elf cosplayers
>Hopefully that elf will be alright
>Wouldn't want to run into a pack of Joggers if I were her
>No amount of magic shields can protect you from Tyrone and gang
>I follow the smell of pretzels through the remains of the mall
>Seems like some of the shops are still intact
>Electronics, toy stores, jewelry stores...
>And they are still filled with stuff…
>You ever got that thought when you were a kid?
>”If I were to be able to stop time, or if it was just me in this mall, I would go around and get everything I wanted from the stores and take it home?”
>For some reason that thought is now echoing in my head
>I’m only here for pretzels
>Nothing else
>But…
>My inner child is tingling
>And it is saying it wants the Star Destroyer Lego set
>I walk over to the nearby Jewelry store
>None of the metal barrier rolls are down
>Everything is out in the open
>Time for a pro gamer move
>Smash the glass for the display cases
>Alarms luckily don’t go off
>Take out some necklaces, rings, earings, and watches
>Repeat this multiple times until my leather jacket pockets are filled with jewelry
>walk away like nothing happened
>technically I didn’t do anything wrong
>Looters would have gotten to it anyways
>I’ll get more use out of it, and it won’t be used for funding crime
>right?
>God my mental gymnastics is good
>I should join the olympics
>Now lets see, what other stuff should I “liberate”?


>Go through the mall
>really want to grab some more stuff, but I also don’t want to be greedy
>might as well leave some loot for other people
>besides, it would suck if I have to run and get caught by something just because I am over encumbered
>I’ve played enough Oblivion and Fallout 3 to be prepared for this
>time to get a pretzel and fast travel to my next location
>the other side
>go towards the pretzel stand
>a gunshot rings out
>drop and duck behind a planter
>sounded like it came from behind me
>get out Army Revolver
>aim in general direction
>wait a few seconds
>there’s another muffled bang
>ah, I see
>get up and holster revolver
>just a gun battle or something going on outside
>it’s not in here, so that is good
>better hurry up and get my pretzel and get out of here
>go up to the pretzel stand
>surprised it’s still standing
>and it smells good
>like brand new fresh pretzels
>...
>NOW WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE
>WHO THE FUCK IS COOKING PRETZELS DURING ALL THIS SHIT?


>get revolver out again as I walk up to the pretzel shop
>whoever the psycho is that is cooking pretzels might be unhinged
>and if I have to shoot another person then what’s another?
>I want a pretzel
>look over and
>it’s the normal manager guy
>Dan the pretzel man
>thats at least what I called him because I had no fucking clue what his real name is 
>always knew he was a stickler for hours
>go up to get a pretzel
>he gives me the same glare
>”oh, anon, you’re here…”
>His voice is droning and monotone
>Like the sound of the drive through worker
>huh
>didn’t know he knew my name
>”hey pretzel man, could I get-“
>”yeah yeah, the usual. Large lemonade, two salted pretzels, cinnamon pretzel, almond butter pretzel…”
>He glares at me and looks down at my shoes”
>”...and extra cheese dip for them.”
>...
>what In the…
>How did he know?
>I haven't been to this mall in ages
>and I never ordered all that at once before…
>go to give him money for the order
>Realize I’m short on cash
>”uh, say, do you take barter?”
>pretzel mans tfw
>”Yeah, sure.”
>Give him a gold necklace, pack of cigs, and a lighter
>He takes it with a shrug and lights one up
>I would say something, but with the world in the current state it is I don’t blame him
>puffs back the entire cigarette in one long pull
>exhales it into my face in a billowing cloud
>tfw
>He lights up another, hands me my lemonade, and says he’ll be right on my order, and that it might be a minute because he needs to make some fresh
>Ok then
>Wait around on one of the benches by the pretzel stand
>See another person with dan
>Looks oddly familiar
>Nearly shit my pants as I realize who it is
>It’s the fucking hypebeast
>The dead one from the elevator
>what in the fucking hell



>look at him closer
>he looks exactly like the dead hype beast
>except now he’s wearing a pretzel worker uniform
>taking dough and rolling it out
>he looks a bit pale and clammy
>but otherwise he isn’t dead and laying in his own blood
>what the hell is going on here?
>watch him closely
>his movements are smooth and lifelike
>like he’s a real person
>wait he is a real person
>I think?
>maybe I should shoot him just to be sure?
>no wait that would mean he would actually be dead
>that would be a really awkward situation
>I’m not adding a “strange looking pretzel worker” to my list of people that I’ve shot dead
>I have a feeling I will be killing a few more people before this day is out, and I don’t want one of them to be my own fault
>look at the manager
>the dude is smoking another cigarette
>puffs it to the butt
>he glances around quickly before eating it
>what in the fuck?
>I’m not sure I want a pretzel from here now
>eventually get called up to get the pretzels
>look through my bag
>everything is here
>and it doesn’t smell like cigarettes
>wait they forgot my cheese dip


>tell the pretzel man
>he points at the worker and tells him to get more from the back fridge
>get a little curious
>start asking the pretzel man about the worker
>”oh that’s Jim he’s worked here for… gosh for years now.”
>ask pretzel man if he saw a dead body that looked like his in the elevator
>”what? No, of course I didn’t see a body. That would be messed up. Are you sure there was a body?”
>the AirPods in my pocket say otherwise
>catch the “dead” hypebeast looking around the open walk in fridge
>...
>wait what in the hell?
>what the fuck is that shit
>there’s what look like weird red runes painted in the fridge
>flayed bodies hanging up
>one of them is headless
>the blood draining from its stump is pouring Into a rusted bucket
>I can see the hypebeast dumping dry cheese powder into it
>black smoke spilling from the inside of the bucket like it’s overfilling
>the hypebeast turns and looks at me
>he eyes are gone and instead they are replaced with glowing black orbs
>they are crying tears of blood
>his mouth locks open and tendrils snake out
>"THE BONES OF THE NONBELIEVERS WILL BE SPRINKLED ON THE PRETZELS OF THE ELDER ONES' RETURN, REPENT NOW AND THY SHALL BE ONLY MADE INTO CHEESE DIP"
>his words drone out like a speaker without him even moving his jaw
>”PRETZELS FOR THE PRETZEL GODS! CHEESE FOR THE CHEESE THRONE!”
>what the fuck what the fuck
>“SALT THEIR BONES WITH KOSHER SALT AND BAKE AT 450F UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN”

>oh god I think I’m going to be sick
>pretzel man noticed where I’m looking
>”HEY CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR!”
>Hypebeast slams the door shut
>I’m left feeling nauseous
>pretzel man shakes it off and laughs
>”damn kid always forgets to close the fridge door. Gonna cost me a fortune in electricity you know?”
>wait what
>did he not just
>fridge door opens
>and
>it’s a normal fridge
>no bodies, no runes, no black smoke
>the hypebeast looks fine as well
>hands me about five packages of cheese dip
>I’m just stuck staring at them
>was…
>was any of that real?
>am I just going insane?
>that would explain the elf
>as well as everything else
>maybe none of this is real
>is this how the Joker felt?
>oh god I’m losing it aren’t I?
>”you okay dude?”
>pretzel man looks concerned
>Give him a nod
>”yeah. I’m alright.”
>thank him for the pretzels and walk off with my bounty
>chew on a salted pretzel as I walk out
>it’s a good pretzel
>it needs dip
>I look at the cheese dip package
>the shit I saw earlier flashes through my mind
>...
>do I really want to…
>...
>eh, fuck it
>dipping time
>smash the pretzel into the cheese dip
>it tastes amazing
>WAIT OH FUCK I TASTE BLOOD
>...
>wait that’s salt
>never mind this is good

>I missed this
>I will miss this
>I hope sweet tubes taste like pretzels
>maybe if I see that elf I’ll offer her a pretzel for the hell of it
>get to the front door of the mall
>pause for a second
>there was a gunshots out here earlier while I was inside
>I don’t want to get domed because I wanted pretzels
>it’s about a two hundred foot sprint
>glance around
>seems to be clear
>let’s go
>run out with my pretzels
>feel godlike for the first 35ft
>suddenly it hits me
>oh god oh shit oh fuck
>I am really out of shape aren’t I
>I haven’t sprinted like this in forever
>start slowing down around 100ft
>*CRACK*
>*THWIP*
>bullet passes right by me
>cracks the concrete about five feet away
>SHITSHITSHIT
>SECOND WIND HERE WE GO
>Adrenaline is pumping for the umpteenth time today
>I swear I’m going to probably have a heart attack from all this
>*CRACK THWIP*
>bullet smacks into the ground right behind me
>Almost to the garage
>IDEA
>their next shot might hit
>hold all my pretzel bags in one hand
>Pull out revolver
>aim In general direction of gunshot
>*BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG*
>unload the full revolver
>generate a shit ton of smoke
>hear another gunshot
>mfw it’s way off and I don’t get hit
>hell yeah improv smokescreen
>not dying today mother fucker
>wait I mean right now
>I still might but it won’t be now
>make it under the parking structure
>I’m alive
>hell yes
>nothing can stop me

>holster my revolver and pull out my other revolver
>not my other other revolver but my revolver revolver
>...
>okay I’ll stop my bullshit now
>holster Army pistol
>Navy pistol time
>I still got my pepper box and .50 cal musket before I am extremely fucked
>I don’t think they will be anyone or anything in here, but you never know
>I’m still wondering who that mystery gunman was
>the world may never know
>such is life
>time to walk up to my car and book it out of here before he decides to get closer
>round the corner
>hear a shuddering gasp
>”Anoon… help…”
>who said that?
>who the fuck are they talking to?
>look around
>the only thing I see in the parking garage is the bloody body of the elf cosplay weeb in the ground
>...
>wait a minute oh fuck
>I’M ANON
>SHIT
>maybe I should have just used my real name
>wait
>OH FUCK SHES BLEEDING AND DYING
>so that’s who got sniped earlier
>guess magic shields aren’t all that
>who’s so cocky and arrogant now?
>oh wait she’s dying the gloating can wait
>kneel down by her
>she’s pale as hell
>looks like she took a round to the shoulder and another to the gut
>oh she’s fucked
>extremely fucked
>what should I do?
>oh god what should I do
>”Anoon… help me… ma-magic… use your magic”
>I’m not magic I’m just some shithead who had a gun
>I can’t leave her here
>ok ok ok
>here we go
>I’m going to get my car
>I take her hand and squeeze it
>her skin is way too cold for anyone who is going to live
>”don’t worry, I’ll be right back. I’m getting my car, you’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
>she holds onto my hand as strong as she can
>”don’t leave… don’t leave…”
>break her grasp and run
>I hear her start sobbing
>oh please don’t do this to me my emotions can’t take it

>run to the elevator
>I’m just going to go up and get my car
>stop right before I can click the button
>...
>the body of the hypebeast…
>if I open the elevator and it’s still there…
>but if I open it and it’s gone…
>...
>do I want to confirm my insanity?
>or worse
>confirm that this is all real?
>....
>turn and take the stairs
>ignorance really is bliss
>jog up the many flights of stairs
>out of breath by the time I reach my Buick
>get into the car and start it
>Tokyo drift down the parking structure to the elves body
>she’s still crying
>scoop her up in my arms
>oh god I can hear her shattered bones clicking
>her blood gets all over my jacket
>take her to the front seat
>set her in as nicely as I can
>she is barely coherent
>but she gives me the weakest smile possible
>damn it don’t you fucking dare you little pointy eared cunt
>zoom out of the parking structure
>there’s the crack of a rifle going off
>fuck you yah sniper cunt
>get out of his sight
>zoom down the road
>”don’t you worry, I’m going to find you a doctor.”
>I need to find her a doctor
>I say it just to keep her mind off dying
>what else can I do to get her mind of dying?
>pretzels
>yes pretzels
>”do you want a pretzel?”

>I grab the cinnamon sugar one out and shove it into her hands
>the elf just sits upright in the seat without moving
>her chest is shuddering as she breathes
>she mutters something weakly
>”take… take…”
>”take? Take you to a doc? I’m working on that.”
>oh god where is a doctor
>I need one
>”take.. it…”
>her hand lands in my lap somehow
>she lets go of something
>I don’t know what it is
>I could care less
>”yeah, I’ll take it don’t you worry.”
>drift around a corner to avoid a blockade
>then I see it
>a sign, hastily put up
>STAGING GROUNDS: HQ, MED TENT, ARMORY. TWO MILES.
>I don’t know why they have a sign up for that but hey, it’s something
>run her good shoulder
>”hey hey, see? Look, there’s a medical tent. Let’s get you there.”
>I can smell the scent of her blood starting to leech into the car
>it leaves a weird tang on my tongue
>coppery pennies
>gross
>floor it, giving the Buick all the gas I can
>”I’ll get you there, don’t worry. Don’t you worry.”
>drive down the road
>it said two miles
>mere minutes
>we will make it
>she’ll be safe
>We won’t have to worry


>they have docs, they can fix her up
>I see the tents in the distance
>I made
>I’ve made it
>thank god 
>look over at her
>ready to tell her that she’ll be fine
>then I see it
>she’s still
>not moving
>mouth open, a trickle of blood coming out
>her chest is not raising or falling
>just stillness
>...
>I slow down a bit
>I
>I don’t feel anything
>....
>I really don’t feel anything about this
>just… nothing
>...
>ok

>pull up to the outside area
>guards look confused as fuck
>roll down window
>”hey, get a medic and help her!”
>yes
>help the dead body
>sure
>they open the door
>two guys come by with a stretcher
>they pull the body out and lay it down
>carry it off into the tents
>watch as they take her in
>she’s gone
>just like that she’s gone
>the natty guards are saying something to me but I can’t tell what it is
>I don’t want to be here anymore
>fuck this gay earth
>I give them a mindless nod
>they know I’m not listening
>slam on the gas and make a sharp turn
>go straight down the way I came from
>I see them raise their guns in the rear view mirror
>come on
>come on shoot me
>see if I care
>they hesitate for a second and then lower them
>damn it
>fuck all this
>I am tired of this world
>I want to leave here


>Accelerating down the street fast
>the old world is going by me in a blur
>The world I will soon leave
>Hell I could crash this Buick into a fucking wall and die and I would still be happy
>This isn’t like the simulations at all
>There is no happiness
>This isnt some fun adventure
>I killed a bunch of people, saw a bunch of people die, saw bodies, and let an elf die in my care
>Jesus fuck this is awful
>I want to go home but I have no home to go home to
>So I can only press forward
>The sky around me starts getting darker
>Not like a storm, but more like smoke from a fire
>Closer, more localized
>It’s an angry orange and black
>I can feel my skin prickling
>It’s kind of like that subtle shift or buzz when getting an X-ray
>Not wrong feeling, but certainly not right
>Maybe…
>Maybe i'm getting close
>Have to slow down my drive to a crawl
>There's too much wreckage and debris
>major carnage in the area
>And it doesn't look like its just looters
>It’s a fucking warzone
>There's several burning APCs
>I can see where National Guardsmen and Civilian alike have been cut down
>Can’t help but gag when I see the bodies
>Brutalized and maimed
>God it's awful
>Among the human bodies I can see the dead bodies of other…. THINGS	
>Dark green skin, tusks on the face, dressed in pelts, crude bladed weapons
>Looks like they are orks
>Damn, orks already made their way here?
>what in the fuck?
>I guess it really is the fantasy realm

>For every dead ork there is roughly three dead Nat Guards around him, and even then the ork looks chewed to bits
>They don't seem like they’ll go down without a fight
>I look at my musket and revolvers
>....
>what the fuck was I thinking
>Walking out into this shitstorm with single shot weapons?
>I can’t even fucking reload them fast
>Even if the .50 cal round can kill an ork instantly, it still means I can only take one down
>And judging by their numbers here, it doesn't look like they travel alone
>Oh god my hero cowboy fantasies are going to get me killed
>Why didn't I take my AR with me?
>even if it only had 100 rounds that's 100 rounds I can fire fast
>This was stupid
>I’m so fucking unprepared
>...
>Unless…
>Look around
>Nobody seems to be here
>...
>Oh boy, here I go looting the dead again...again
>wow my morals really got thrown out the window today
>Park my Buick and step out
>Go up to the first Naty Guard body
>Immediately puke
>I wasnt that ready to see that much blood and guts
>Rummage through his body
>Vomit into my mouth several times as I get his innards on my hands
>Wipe himself off onto his own fatigues
>Had no ammo, no side arm, and his M4 was broken
>Sigh.Mp3
>Go to the next body
>Manage to only vomit once into my mouth and dry heave an additional two times
>Had an intact M9 and M4
>But no magazines or ammo
>Same story for the third body
>Which I managed to search with only dry heaving once
>mainly because I had nothing left in my stomach to throw up

>Spend the better part of half an hour rummaging through bodies
>and
>holy fuck this shit is fucked bro
>mfw everything is either broken, empty, or just plain to drenched in gore to use
>Manage to get a semi functioning M4, and about 12 mags for it
>took about 15 minutes to realize it was an above the bolt jam
>Judging since some of them aren't completely full, or barely have anything in them, I have maybe 200 rounds 
>Probably less at my current luck
>Also got two M9 pistols, and about twenty mags for them
>But only about  25 rounds for the two of them
>These dudes were in a real last stand here
>made Custer look like a fucking joke
>Pour out a Dr.pepper can I had for them
>Go to leave
>Thought hits my mind
>I almost got sniped earlier
>I could've ended up like that poor elf
>and I always wanted a plate carrier
>and plates
>and to not pay money for them
>sooooo
>Get out of the car and look through the bodies
>Find one that looks to be my relative size
>....
>Now
>How do I do this?
>Grab the shoulders of the body
>Try to lift and prop him up so I can grab it off
>heavy as hell
>Body suddenly becomes not a body as his eyes snap open
>He coughs blood and gasps loudly
>Scream and drop him
>the guy falls back to the ground
>hear a crack as the back of his head smacks into the asphalt
>he goes still
>....
>uh
>that
>that didn't just happen did it?

>nudge the guy with my foot
>nothing
>smoosh his face 
>nothing
>...
>Well, I guess he’s a body again
>Prop him back up 
>Finagle him out of his plate carrier
>It’s a little loose, but I’m sure I could tighten it up
>Fits pretty well under my jacket
>mire my reflection in the Buick window
>nice
>I look cool
>pat down the pockets
>Oh?
>whats this?
>pull out a cellphone
>looks like it still has reception
>Check the messages out of curiosity
>heh, thats funny
>he has a lot of voicemails and missed calls from a girl who has the same name as my as of today ex
>what a small world
>....
>hold on…
>Check the voicemails
>I really hope…
>”What the fuck are you doing out? I’ve called you a dozen times! You better be dead because if I found out that you've been fooling around I’m going to kill you! God youre almost as bad as that Anon guy!”
>....
>yep, thats her
>throw the phone at his body
>what a small world indeed
>....
>I don't feel as bad now


>Get back in my car
>It’s a little uncomfortable sitting in plate, but I shift around to where I can manage the pressing
>Now
>Where to?
>Look at the trail of destruction
>Judging by that, I probably should drive down that way
>Thats where one of the portals should be
>Drive through the massacre site
>Try my best to avoid the bodies
>At one point I feel a bump and squish
>...
>Yeah that probably was a speed bump or something
>just a speedbump
>The roads start becoming more clear as I get down this way
>Less fire, looting, and pockmarks
>More pristine
>Surprisingly untouched
>weird
>like the strange ground zero of an explosion that was left undemolished
>occasionally there’s the hallmarks of a scuffle of some sort but besides that, nothing
>my radio starts picking up weird signals
>no more 80s rock for me
>instead it sounds like…
>whispering
>voices
>lost radio signals
>I swear I can hear the gettysburg address, a commander yelling orders in German, what sounds like a McDonald’s order box, and a panicked voice screaming to fall back
>what fresh hell is this?
>pull the M4 closer and set a revolver on my lap
>Turn off the radio and just start playing music from my phone
>Says all signal has been lost
>And that i'm now on Dutch timezones
>My nerves are now undone
>Follow the road down
>Clouds are formed over heard
>Storm clouds
>Like, blue and purple
>Reminds me of that one scene from ghostbusters
>The clouds all seem to be gathering around one spot
>My guess is that I should be heading there


>Make my way to the downtown area
>Winds are whipping around like crazy
>Not moving the directions it should be though
>Hook a left
>My heart stops
>I see it
>That thing
>There it is
>The best way I can describe it is a circle
>Not a tear in reality, not a bleeding wound, not even a whirlpool or black hole
>It's a blueish purple circle
>The surface moves like water on a river, making it shimmer
>Seems like it just popped up here randomly
>The area around it seems a bit disturbed
>Busses, cars, cut apart of split in half
>Not violently
>It’s more like…
>The pieces are just gone
>Cleanly removed with precision beyond that of a machine
>Cant help but shiver
>This is it
>This is the portal
>The portal to the other side
>The new world
>God help me
>I stay staring at it
>I want to hit the accelerator and drive to it, but I feel stuck
>My body refuses to move
>Deep down I know than whatever that thing is it just aint right
>Break out into a sweat
>Like the awkward sweat you get when you're going to go confess your feelings to a girl that is way out of your league
>You know it’s going to end in disaster, but you can't help but want to do it on the offhand chance it works
>I’m going to have to psych myself up for this
>Like the same way my grandpa did when he hyped me up to go on the big rollercoaster the first time when I was seven
>Theres a crashing sound
>I look behind me
>Something just took down half a building and and threw a car
>oh mother fucker
>I see its black, greasy form stumble out from the dust
>It’s the mother 
>FUCKING
>ASPHALT GOLEM
>HOW DID YOU FIND ME

>can see its glowing eyes staring at me
>It starts walking towards me
>Nope I’m out
>Seeya
>I know how fast that creature can go
>Hit the accelerator and floor it straight at the portal
>Reminiscing about grandpa will have to wait so I don't suffer the same fate as those Natty Guards or the cops
>World zooms past me
>I aim the Buick straight for the portal
>My mind is screaming not to do it
>Same way it screams to not speed at 80MPH straight into a wall
>Close my eyes as I meet the portal
>Everything stops
>I feel weightless
>Zero gravity
>Open my eyes
>Blinding light has filled the cars interior
>I feel like a lovecraft protagonist
>I can’t describe what it is supposed to look like or what it is
>Just
>Light, color
>That’s it
>The Buick feels like it's spinning end over end
>But nothing is going around
>What the hell is happening?
>I want to vomit
>It’s like vertigo but not
>Everything is wrong
>I should never have done this
>and I don't think I can switch into reverse in the middle of getting PORTAL’D 
>I’m going to die, arent I?
>Like the guardsmen in 40K when the autism field around the ship fucks up
>In an instant everything rights itself
>It feels like taking that first breath after being underwater a little too long
>Gone is the city
>And in its place is a huge dark forest with many dead trees
>The sudden absence of light hurts my eyes
>Why are these trees moving so fast?
>Oh wait
>The accelerator is still fully down
>Woops

>I let up on the gas, but just a little
>That asphalt golem was following close
>I want to put as much road between me and it as possible
>Well, if this dirt path can even be considered a road
>Luckily my Buick tires handle it well enough
>It’s dark as hell though
>My headlights only catch the briefest flashes of forest
>wherever my headlights aren't, there is pure and black darkness
>A complete absence of any light
>The cold blue illumination of the portal fades from my rear view mirror fast
>Damn, must have been crazy for the locals if a portal opened right along this road
>....
>Well it was crazy in downtown that's for sure
>I’m making well enough time through this forest
>Eventually a dark fog begins to form
>Tree’s become a little more and more sparse
>Weird
>Several new roads converge onto this one
>Luckily it’s late so nobody is traveling
>I wonder if my insurance would cover a head on collision with a nobleman's carriage?
>Have a funny thought
>Imagine if it is some ambassador ready to broker a peace deal
>And by hitting him I kill him
>Which makes them start a war with our side
>Resulting in a WW1 style mish mash of forces and coalitions
>heh
>....
>I-I think I’ll slow down a little
>Drive for the better part of what feels like an hour
>Or two or three
>I can’t tell
>Going through the portal wiped my clock to factory setting, and I don't trust the dutch time on my phone
>So lets say
>Two hours
>The adrenaline from today is wearing off
>I can feel myself becoming a little sleepy
>Luckily the road is straight
>and Abba asking for a man after midnight is keeping me coherent

>At least I think 
>Because suddenly I heard a weird sound 
>Wake up with a start
>Shield my eyes
>The inside lights of the car are too bright
>...
>wait a second
>thats not the inside lights…
>It’s daylight
>That's not right
>My body hurts all over
>Lik after an extremely strenuous work out, but in a bad way
>why am I at a weird angle?
>I’m resting my head on a deflated airbag
>...
>oh
>oh no no no
>fucking hell no please no
>I must have crashed
>I was OUT out
>The windshield is cracked a bit and muddied
>What did I hit?
>Push the car door
>It wont open
>Shit
>Finagle my way to the back of the car
>Get out from the back seats door
>Look at my predicament
>and
>I’m fucked
>I went over some embankment straight into a swamp
>Half the buick is submerged in the muck, the other half sticking out onto shore
>I’m not sure how bad the damage is underneath that muck
>Try to piece back together what happened
>Get a few snapshots from my memory
>dozing off several times…
>an upcoming turn that I missed…
>the buick wheel not turning in time…
>sliding over the enbmankment…
>then nothing…
>....
>OH MOTHER FUCKER
>WELL THIS IS JUST GREAT!
>THIS STUPID FUCKING CAR
>CANT FUCKING TURN WORTH SHIT AND NOW THIS IS WHERE I AM
>FUCK

>Kick the back of the car as hard as I can
>Definitely don't hear my toes crack a little
>Yell in frustration even more
>this is just great
>Even if I wanted to I couldn't pull the car out of the muck
>It’s too damn heavy
>Climb back into the Buick
>Switch gear into reverse
>Hit the accelerator
>Car makes an ugly gugrling cranking sound
>it budges for a single second and I move back a foot
>Before the car makes a whine and the tires stop moving and the car turns off
>Buick slides back forward into the muck
>No
>it can't do this
>not now
>start the car again
>Makes the same bad noises
>hit it in reverse and go back
>Car pulls itself out a little
>Turns off and slides forwards back
>FUCK
>I can feel my blood boiling
>Try it again to the same results
>And again
>And agian
>I dont know how many times I try, but I keep going
>Eventually my body is too achy to continue
>My hands hurt too much
>My ribs feel like they are bleeding from how much I've been yelling
>Eventually just rest my arms and head on the steering wheel
>This entire journey so far has just been one fuck up after the next
>I've killed people, i've seen people die, that damn elf bled out on the seat next to me, my girlfriend really was cheating on me
>So many dead bodies in the streets
>So many dead bodies
>and here I am prancing around like an idiot
>I finally get over here and now this
>The stupid car
>Just because It wouldn't turn in time
>I realize I am sobbing
>Not sure if from pain, stress, emotions, or anything
>...
>It’s from the car
>It’s the stupid cars fault im like this
>what a stupid car
>its all the cars fault
>Stupid, stupid car



>I think I feel asleep again because it was evening when I took my head off the steering wheel
>My body hurts bad
>I can barely move
>I manage to get some aspirin in me and a bottle of water
>Get a can of beans for dinner
>Look for the can opener
>Can’t find it
>Must be somewhere in the back
>I try and get up to look for it but the pain through my everywhere keeps me in place
>I instead pop open a pull tab can of chili
>Eat it cold as I sit in the front seat of the Buick
>Night soon comes
>It’s Pitch black dark
>can’t see shit from outside the car
>Keep all the doors locked and throw a sleeping bag over myself
>Even in the car I’m still freezing
>I’m not sure what season it is here, but it definitely isn't spring or summer
>I end up shivering through the night before passing out eventually
>Wake up a bit after sunrise
>Try and get out of the car
>Pain is still horrible
>I think it got worse because I was sleeping awkwardly in the front seat
>Manage to pull myself out of the car with no small amount of agony
>Stand up and walk around
>I have a limp and pain lances through both my knees
>That aint good captain
>Walk up and down around the embankment, trying to stretch out my legs
>It’s pretty foggy out here and damp
>Can’t see the sun or anything else
>Just a watery marsh as far as the eye can see
>Damn, I really flubbed the crash location lottery didnt I?
>Shuffle back to my car wreck and climb back in
>Have a breakfast of some cold pretzel that I forgot to eat in the panic yesterday
>Spend the rest of the day sitting nervously in the Buick, .44 navy in my lap, waiting for something to happen by
>I've already been in the new world for roughly 24 hours and I don't like it
>It’s too much like home
>At least at home I could call roadside assistance, see a doctor, and sleep in a comfy bed
>Here is cold, damp, and awful
>What a first impression


>Next few days pass by the same
>Cold, damp, wet
>My pain doesn't get better 
>In fact it gets worse
>I can barely walk due to it, it hurts to stand, and I can barely sleep
>The fact that I’m sleeping in a car doesn't help
>I hope I’m not dying
>That would be shitty
>Having internal bleeding and dying from that in the shittiest swamp of the new world
>I hate this
>On the only plus side, I’ve come to enjoy eating cold Hormell chili 
>....
>I don't know why that is a plus
>Hopefully I die happily in my sleep
>Having a nice dream
>It would beat feeling agony in the day time
>My phone battery died
>I cant even listen to music
>It’s too cloudy to even use my solar charger
>I can’t turn on the cars engine either because It’s too choked with mud
>And I don't want to kill the battery 
>I’m just stuck sitting in silence
>Hoping
>I nod off to sleep several times
>The aspirin helping me take naps
>I haven't slept fully through the night in the past few days
>Keep waking up scared and in pain
>Maybe I’ll nap for a few minutes
>The singing in the distance sounds nice…
>...
>wait a minute
>Singing
>a voice
>Thats a person
>I pull myself out of my seat, ignoring the pain in my everything
>It might feel like I’m on fire but seeing a person is more important
>Fall out of the buicks back door and stand up
>Hobble my way to the road
>I can hear two voices singing together
>I’m saved

>Open my mouth and shout “Hey!” as loud as I can
>My voice cracks and is hoarse, but it is still loud enough
>I guess not talking for half a week will do that to you
>The singing stops
>”Who’s out there?”
>Wait
>Holy fuck thats English
>People
>Earth people
>I am saved
>”Down here! In the ditch!”
>There's a few moments of silence
>Sounds like a man and women talking
>”Alright, just stay there, we’re coming”
>I’m saved
>I feel a single tear roll down my eye
>Limp to the embankment
>Look up
>I can’t help but smile
>A shadow comes over me as I see a figure approach
>My smile falters as the figure grows
>That
>That isn’t a human
>It looks like a human in shape, but thats it
>Tall as hell
>Skin red like blood
>Hair white like lightning
>and…
>Horns
>Devil horns
>Holy fuck thats a demon
>welp, I’m dead
>It’s been a good run
>The demon looms over the embankment at me
>I reach for my pepperbox slowly
>I realize something
>His face is just as confused looking as mine is
>He’s dressed oddly as well
>His outfit almost reminds me of the way shrek dressed in a way
>Leather and burlap
>I can hear him mutter “what the hell” as he stares at me
>Another demon appears beside him
>this one looks a lot like him, except very obviously female
>He looks to her and puts his hand up
>”Annie stay back”
>”Hart, what is that?”
>What?
>I’m just a human
>Not some fucking red skinned demon

>”what the fuck are you?” I call up at the guy in response
>Female demon thing backs off and the male one stays staring at me
>It smiles at my question
>”I should be asking the same thing to you friend”
>He gestures to me and my crashed car
>”I’ll take it youre from the other side?” he says
>His voice is oddly accented
>Not unpleasant or incomprehensible
>just…. Strange
>I nod slowly, keeping my hand on my pepperbox
>”Maybe I am… You from around here?”
>The thing seems to consider what I say
>”Maybe I am indeed. You’re one of those… people from the portals. I've heard rumours about your kind, but I was yet to see any of you. Seems like you're having a little trouble with your wagon there.”
>He says this and points at my Buick Roadmaster halfway in the marsh
>”Well, yeah I’m having a bit of trouble. Crashed over the side here, got pretty hurt. Been stuck here for the past few days.”
>The male… Hart I guess? He looks at me predicament and nods
>Raises one finger in a “hold on a second” way
>He walks back
>I can hear him discussing something with the other
>Annie? Yeah, her
>Voices are too hushed to actually hear
>What are these things even?
>I guess they are natives?
>Maybe?
>Come to think of it, they don’t look 100% demonic
>In fact, they seem okay…
>they remind me of something I’ve seen in manga
>Wait
>Are these creatures…
>Mother fucker
>I think they are Oni
>Holy shit
>Red Oni
>Maybe I’m not 100% fucked
>The boy comes back leaning over
>Points at the roadmaster
>”We have a farm a full days travel up the road. Your wagon seems small, just like you. We can take you up there to heal.”
>...
>I dont know what happens
>But the next thing I know is that the red thing is asking if I’m okay
>Wipe my face
>Sleeve is wet with tears
>I guess I’m crying in joy
>”Yeah, I’m doing great”

>Red Oni comes down the embankment and helps me up
>He picks me up and carries me up the embankment to the road
>Feels weird to be carried by something like this
>I feel like a kid compared to him
>He sets me on the ground
>I can see the female red Oni thing standing by a gigantic wooden cart 
>Looks like a regular horse drawn cart but minus the horses and blown up to twice a regular carts size
>And the female Oni...
>Red skin, long white hair, big horns
>Dressed something like peasant girl cinderella
>She’s looking at me like I have seven heads 
>A mixture of curiosity and concern
>Well, to be fair
>I’m pretty much gawking at her
>I barely come up to either of their chests
>Over head and shoulders taller than me
>I feel small
>he tells her to help me into the cart while he works on getting my wagon out of the muck
>She helps me into the cart like a kid being lifted by a parent into a large van 
>Cart is mostyl empty, with some stuff being covered by tarps or in barrels
>Lay down flat on the back of it
>My back is in severe pain, but this feels nice
>After a few minutes of laying and staring into the sky I hear a grunt of exertion
>”Annie come help me, and bring rope.”
>I sit myself up in the cart against a barrel, ignoring the pain in my ribs
>Just in time to see them both pull my buick up the embankment to the main road as if it was a plastic cozy coupe 
>Holy hell
>The boy points at the wooden wagon I’m on then to the Buick
>”You pull the wagon, I’ll get… whatever this is.”
>Pull the wagon?
>the girl nods and walks up to the wood cart
>She stares at me uncomfortably as she walks by
>I feel the front of wagon lurch as to starts being pulled along
>Oni dude grabs ropes attached to the bumper and pulls along my Buick like its nothing
>And we are on the road
>...
>holy fuck I’m saved



>The journey goes along…. Not slowly, but at a decent pace
>Faster than human legs
>The male Oni keeps staring at me
>Not angry, just curiously
>Eventually he speaks
>”So, what’s your name?”
>My name?
>I guess…
>yeah I guess I’ll go with the one I told the elf
>For her memory
>”Anon. My name is Anon. And you?”
>”Hart, and thats my sister Annie” he says and points towards the front of the wagon
>I look behind me and catch Annie staring back at me
>She quickly looks away, probably out of fear
>I don’t know why she would be scared, I’m not the weird monster here
>”So pray tell, Anon, what brings you here to our land from your world?”
>I let out a deep sigh, chest hurting
>Well, where do I begin?
>I guess at the beginning
>I was born at a very young age…
>I kid
>Just tell him the basics of whats happened the past few days
>Portals opening, deciding to strike out, the fuckery in the city, the golem, and then the crash
>Hart looks at me calmly but warily, nodding slowly, occasionally asking for context like “Buick? Is that what this is?”, “Asphalt? That is...?” and “What’s a pretzel?”
>And then, he asks me about a “revolver”
>”Tell me, Anon, what is a revolver?”
>Autism.exe activates
>Open my satchel and take out my Navy pistol
>Explain how it works, what it does, why I have it
>Hart is muttering to himself puzzled
>”In a way, it is like a wand? Using Alchemic chemicals to harness magic energies and cast a projectile?”
>...
>dude youre a fucking country bumpkin how the fuck do you know that?
>”y-yeah pretty much that”
>Hart nods approvingly
>Annie is looking back at me curiously again
>”How is that possible?” I hear her whisper
>I open my mouth to explain, but then a thought hits me
>I probably… SHOULDN'T 
>I shrug as best as I can in pain
>”Magic, you know?” I say with the best smile I can put on
>Annie frowns a little and turns her attention back to the road
>A magician can’t reveal all his secrets…


>The journey to wherever these two Oni are taking me gets quiet
>The pain in my chest and aching of my lungs makes talking too much of a pained effort
>Even just breathing is starting to send knives of agony through my body
>Whatever happened to me isn’t healing too well
>I really would have been screwed if these two hadn’t came by
>The sky slowly starts turning to evening
>I can see darkening horizon starting to reveal stars
>the stars…
>Something gets set off in my brain
>I’m looking at something I shouldnt be seeing
>The stars are…
>wrong
>No big dipper, no ursa major or minor
>Everything is out of place and wrong
>just plain wrong 
>But it’s beautiful
>I have never seen so many stars in the early evening before, and the brightness outshines even a full moon
>I can see the celestial arms of the galaxies, like clouds of aether
>Maybe this is what the ancients thought when they looked up to the unlight sky, and saw the endless void of space in all its glory, unpolluted by the miasma of smog and light
>...
>well damn, I guess a diet of hormel chili, aspirin, and Dr.pepper would turn anyone into a poet
>Eventually close my eyes, just keeping focused on taking the next breath
>Moving like that really fucked me, guess I must have agitated whatever was wrong with me
>Eventually I hear Hart and Annie start whistling and singing together
>It’s a weird song
>familiar, but in a language I don’t understand
>It’s a lot like Irish and other gaelic languages, and also chinese and egyiptian, but not at the same time
>I guess that's the funniest part, I can’t actually describe it
>I have never heard of anything like it
>Can’t help but have a smile grow on my face at that thought

>Eventually the cart stops after God knows how many hours
>I feel someone tapping my shoe
>It’s Hart
>”I need to discuss this situation with my father, you’ll have to wait here for a bit.”
>Just give him the best nod I can
>Both Annie and Hart leave
>I open my eyes and get a better look at my surroundings
>I seem to be in a large clearing of sorts in a large forest
>I can see mountains in the distance…
>Holy shit how did I miss those when I got here?
>Maybe because it's clear here…
>right, the night sky is clear here
>Unlike the trees by that marsh, the trees here have plenty of leaves on them
>I can see a very large, well built looking house
>Like those old peasant houses in the Knight movies, but much nicer looking
>across from it are two much less nice looking structures, what I can best call a stable and maybe a barn
>Judging by the distinct look to them I would guess they were built later, and had much less funding put into them
>The sound of running water reaches my ears
>Must be a stream or river nearby
>thats good, it goes well with the massive fields of what look like grapes and some golden grassy wheat looking plant
>This entire place seems like the paradise of someone who wished to have a lovely countryside lifestyle
>Odd that I can notice all this, but I have the time to
>Sit out on the back of the wagon for the better part of a few hours
>Army pistol clutched in hand, inline .50 cal aimed into the wilderness
>For some god forsaken reason it starts raining
>Hunching over my guns, chest screaming in pain, soaked, shivering, trying to keep my black powder dry
>I occasionally look back at the house
>I can see Annie and Hart talking with some others
>Occasionally pointing out at me on the wagon, seeming to make an argument
>Whatever they are arguing about, it has to do with me
>And I’m sure that argument won’t end before the rain
>What a wonderful night

>I hear heavy footsteps squelching in the mud after another hour or two
>Train my pistol as well as I can at the glowing shadow that approaches
>Lower it as I see it’s just Annie and Hart in rain cloaks, the later carrying a lantern
>”Come on, this way.”
>I try my best to get up, but can’t
>Best I can muster is choking out a groan of pain, feeling the pain in my chest flare up
>Either Annie or Hart comes and helps me out of the wagon
>They guide me across the property towards the barn like structure
>I glance over at the house, and I can see the outline of an even larger Oni staring out from the doorframe at me
>Annie opens up the barn, and Hart guides me in
>It’s filled with hay, bales and piles of it laying around, as well as a bunch of ancient farming amenities
>well… Ancient looking, but In pristine condition?
>oh fuck, they must use this stuff daily
>”You can sleep here for the night, don’t go wandering around. Our father and mother… they do not believe it was the best idea to bring you here.”
>Bring a strange creature from a different world to your home?
>Damn, gotta agree with the old folks on this one
>”They are going to want to speak with you tomorrow, don’t go poking around in anything, you hear? They won’t take kindly to it at all.”
>I say thanks as best as I can to the two Oni
>They bid me a good night, closing the barn door
>I hear the loud sound of chains and a lock being put on the handles
>I could give a fuck less about that

>Strip the best I can out of my damp coat and pants
>luckily the plate carrier I had on didn’t get wet
>apparently they fuck up when that happens 
>suddenly realize that it probably saved my life in the car crash
>thanks plate carrier
>very cool
>hang them up with my hat on a wood post
>The barn is very toasty and warm despite the rain from outside
>drop down onto a pile of loose hay
>It feels amazing to lay out and stretch
>The hay is surprisingly soft beneath me
>Compared to sleeping upright in the cramped Buick front seat, this is heavenly
>Put my revolver in my lap, and lean back
>The pain is still there, but it’s less
>that might be a good or bad thing
>I don’t know which
>Lay staring up at the wooden ceiling of the barn, 1858 clutched to my chest
>The front barn door rattles
>...
>ah shit
>My mind immediately goes to /x/
>are there wendigo’s and skinwalkers in fantasy land?
>Are there… worse things?
>I really hope not
>Point my 1858 army at the front door
>The chains are rattling, I can hear them giving
>Oh boy, here I go shooting more shit
>The door gently opens, and I see a red face with big horns and long white hair poke in
>”Hello? Are you awake?”
>breath a sigh of relief as I realize it’s just Annie
>”Yeah, I’m still up” I manage to say out in pain
>Annie walks in, carrying a small bundle
>”You seem in pain, here, this, take it.” she says, setting the bundle down in front of me
>She looks around nervously, scared of someone or something
>”Don’t tell my father I gave it to you, he would be angry. Well, angrier.”
>Annie quickly turns to leave, going to the door
>”thank you Annie.” I manage to say
>She just nods in return before closing the barn door
>I hear the chains being put back on, before it stops
>The chains come undone again, and Annie peaks her head back in
>”Are you… are you actually magic?”
>NiggaWut
>”Uh, why you ask?”
>She gestures to me
>”Well, you said earlier, something about being magic.”
>Ah, that, right
>the inane amount of bullshit I was spewing
>I shrug 
>”I guess you’ll just have to find out.”
>She gives me a disappointed look, letting out a humph
>”I see. Goodnight then.”
>She closes the door, locking it back up
>”uh… Goodnight?”
>well damn, I guess I could have been less autistic there
>Eh, I guess I’ll have to practice that
>Open up the bundle
>It’s an old folded blanket, like a bunch of rags stitched together,  a quarter loaf of bread that has fruit(?) baked into it, and a jar that has a liquid in it
>I take a bite of the bread, not realizing how hungry I was until I smelled it
>...
>oh my god
>I have…
>This is the best bread I have ever tasted
>It tastes real, for the lack of better words
>Like all other breads have been missing something, and this bread has it in it
>It tastes right, it tastes real and fulfilling
>the fruit in it makes me want to cry in joy
>I take a drink of whatever this weird liquid is
>Looks purplish pink, like a more charismatic pepto, with the taste of every fruit that I have ever had and several beers
>Leaves a pleasant warmth in my stomach and throat as I drink it, halfway between a hot coffee and a more mild version of the burn of a vodka shot
>It feels.. wholesome(?) to drink?
>I finish off the loaf of bread and the drink
>Put the cloth blanket other me, getting comfy and warm
>this is the nicest I have felt in a long time
>even before the portals opened, when I was just a worker with a regular life
>This feeling surpasses even that
>Comfort earned
>I close my eyes, enjoying the silence of everything
>I am at peace, and I can rest well here until morning

>Wake up to the sound of a very angry muttering, and the chains on the front door being undone
>on god? Really? Are we doing this now?
>I may be pantless and half asleep but I’ll put a hole in you mister SkinWalker
>or a baby in you if you’re a misses, either works for me
>would I be willing to have only half human children?
>yes, probably 
>damn this is probably what a cowboy was thinking when he saw a native
>cool
>door swings open
>I stand up
>point my 1858 at the door 
>door swings open angrily
>HOLY SHIT ITS A FUCKING DEMON
>Wait
>hold on…
>Nope that’s just an Oni
>Looks a lot like Hart
>Only bigger
>And older
>And angrier
>”YOU” it rumbles while pointing at me 
>oh shit much angier 
>He closes the door behind himself and walks up to me
>Easily twice my height
>probably broad enough to squat my buick with no problem
>I’m stuck in his shadow
>Still have the 1858 pointed at him
>I don’t know if it could stop him, but I want to try at least
>He’s looming over me angrily
>Arms crossed
>Immediately feel like a little kid again
>The glare is crushing
>and
>awkward
>He’s just standing here staring at me
>...
>Ok?

>Stick out my hand
>”sup, my names… Anon.”
>”I know who you are.”
>Wow ok no need to be a dick
>”Sit down Anon, we need to talk.”
>Ah
>Is it time for exposition?
>Plop back down into the hay
>Big Oni grabs a hay bale like its a empty milk crate and sits on it
>”Now, who are you, and where did you come from?”
>oh
>Time for ME to give exposition
>Alright, time for the basics
>Tell him my name is Anon (which it totally is), that I was just some dude working a dead end job, wasn't too happy with life, heard some portals had opened up to a fantasy world, so I decided to strike out to find what is on the other side and do something different with my life
>The typical fare
>The Oni glares at me 
>”I… only understood half of what you said…”
>Thats either good or terrible for me
>”...But I want your ass gone from here”
>definitely terrible
>I have a broken down Buicke, more supplies than I can carry, possibly broken ribs and pneumonia, and zero clue where I’m at
>Which is oddly reminiscent of my Junior year of college

>Oni starts going on to explain 
>”We are already barely scraping by as it is here, and I am not running a charity for some otherworlder who can’t even make a life for himself where he is from. Now I don’t know how your side of the universe works, or even if I should believe you, but I want you and your carriage gone by tomorrow. There already is enough trouble with the portals opening up, I don’t need that trouble being here with me.”
>....
>Well, ok then
>it is definitely worse than I thought
>I need to at least stay here until I heal and get my bearings
>I don’t even care where here is
>Give the Oni a nod
>”We’ll, I can understand, but I’m not looking for charity.”
>Oni raises an eyebrow at me
>”I just need to catch my bearings, and I’ll be out of your hair. In the meantime, I can definitely pull my weight here.. Doing… stuff…”
>Oni rolls his eyes
>”A little pink goblin like you pulling any weight anywhere is laughable.”
>I should be offended, but I get where he is coming from
>”Good point, but, I am magic. I can offer great protection from any threat.”
>The Oni lets out a loud belly laugh
>”Magic! You a wizard?”
>Shrug
>”More like an alchemist, in a way?”
>The oni massages the bridge of his nose after his laughing fit dies down
>”Have you ever fought an ork? Dueled a drow with a knife? Cast fireballs at a group of kobold shamans.”
>uhhh
>”No… but I did shoot some niggers in a gas station bathroom.”
>The oni looks at me curiously 
>”Niggers? What are these *niggers* you speak of?”
>tfw
>Finally
>All those hours spent on /pol/ meme threads have amounted to something

>”Niggers are like… people. Well, they pretend to be real people, but they are much more savage with smaller brains.”
>The oni sits up straighter
>”Shapeshifters?” he asks curiously
>”Not really, but you can’t see them at night or in the dark. They look like people, but are usually vicious and form gangs. They are known to rape and kill innocent people for the fun of it.”
>The oni’s face becomes grim
>”Barbarians pretending to be civilized?” he asks
>”yeah, like that.”
>The oni scratches his chin
>”Interesting story… but still, I don’t need protection from someone of the likes of you, even if your story holds any weight.”
>time to up the offer
>”How about… I pay you? Rent, just to stay.”
>The Oni shakes his head
>”The currency of your world means nothing here.”
>Shit, good point
>Besides, I don't have any cash or checks on me
>And something tells me there isn't an ATM nearby
>”How about barter?”
>That same curious look comes back to the Onis face
>”What could you have that is worth bartering to me?”
>I raise a finger and point to the Oni
>”Many rare goods from my world, of the likes you've never seen before.”
>The oni rolls his eyes again and gets up from his hay bale
>Ah shit I fucked up didnt I?
>He walks over to the barn door, and then stops
>”Bring something valuable, this evening, understand? Then we might consider your stay here. In the meantime, you are not to touch anything or wander around unsupervised.”
>He slams shut the door, leaving me alone
>...
>yes
>I have a chance


>alright, it’s time to take stock of my situation 
>I’m here, in a barn in the fantasy world
>and I need a place to stay
>better check out what I can barter in the meantime
>I put on my pants and clothes
>string up my revolvers and guns
>take a stretch, cracking my backs and feeling my stiff ribs moving
>my ribs…
>wait why can I stand?
>why can I breath?
>why am I not in pain writhing on the ground?
>gently touch my chest
>it feels better
>I’m not in agony
>this feels like the exact opposite of a hangover
>I’ll take it that was a healing potion or something?
>wow
>I need another one of those
>note to self: buy a healing potion
>after 
>I get this world money
>gold? Copper?
>do they have money even?
>hmmm
>better find out
>Make my way out of the barn
>Almost feels weird to be able to walk correctly and without pain
>maybe I did die…
>being on this farm is almost too good to be true
>especially with all the bad shit happening around 
>stumble out of the barn
>my back should be fucked from sleeping on hay but I feel great
>it sure was an upgrade from being cramped on the Buick seat
>walk across the property and go over to my Buick
>wheels are sunk into the mud 
>not good
>check the car
>still unlocked 
>and
>I left a window half cracked
>fuck

>alright, let’s see the damage
>time to take stock of what I have
>go through my supplies
>all my snacks and food are still good
>thank god for plastic packaging
>snag an energy drink from the pile
>Lemon Reign
>tastes like a Mike’s hard
>damn I should’ve snagged some booze from the gas station
>hmmm
>maybe when I make it back over to the other side somehow
>Not like I won’t visit
>I’ll be damned if I spend the rest of my life without kit-Kats 
>all my medicine is still fine in it’s zippy bags
>ah damn
>my spare sleeping bag got a little wet
>I look at the damp cardboard box where I put my gun supplies
>Fear.Jpg
>I had about three cans of powder for my BP guns
>I was hoping to have that last me a while before I needed to make more 
>I take out the first container
>open it
>it’s all fine
>whew
>open the second
>obviously wet on the outside
>but inside is luckily dry
>thank fuck
>open the first
>the top comes off a little too easily
>fugg
>the powder on the inside looks like the same texture as premixed garden soil
>ruined
>well shit
>no way that can be reused
>chuck out the powder and keep the container
>that way I can refill it
>...
>eventually fill it
>I don’t think that is highest on my priority list at the moment
>check out the gas situation 
>luckily, all my gas cans are I cracked and didn’t spill
>now… if only the car worked
>well, better check the damage
>check out the front of the Buick
>wince as I see it
>that’s not good
>front is pretty crumpled
>LetsTakeALookUnderTheHood.MP4
>well
>could be worse
>but definitely could be much better
>Engine area is all mucked up with fantasy swamp goo
>from what I can see, I got the following problems
>crumpled front
>bent frame
>shattered radiator
>broken fan
>two broken headlights
>busted alternator
>engine all mucked up
>needs oil change to get swamp goo out
>windshield wiper reservoir is empty
>honestly, this all wouldn’t be too bad
>if I weren’t stuck in fantasy land with the apocalypse happening around me
>and I don’t think AAA services this area
Anyone know an /o/tist on this side that could help me? Or if anyone’s been around here that is good with cars?


>well, now that I at least have a stock of the situation, I can offer some stuff to barter
>now let’s see… what do I have.. 
>that would be useful at least
>come to think of it, what do they even have here?
>I’m not offering up a gun
>hell no
>these are mine
>well, this also is a tough situation
>hear humming coming from the other side of the farm, as well as the sound of… chopping wood?
>follow it
>it’s Harts sister, Annie
>seems like she’s...
>what the hell
>she’s taking fenceposts
>and slamming the straight into the ground
>and then hammers them down using her elbow as if it’s nothing
>...
>well then 
>uh
>that’s strong
>once again I’m regretting my decision on blackpowders
>if I die I’m blaming John Wayne 
>Well, I guess I should ask her about the world
>I don’t want to seem more retarded than I actually am

>And besides, knowing what to barter with would really help
>Annie looks at me weirdly
>Probably because I was staring at her, mesmerized
>Strong woman
>Wow
>I am currently looking at what half of autistic weebs only dream of
>This sure beats the doughy goblinas where I come from
>Shuffle up to her
>Now
>How the fuck do I propose this question?
”Gee hey what level of technology do you guys have so I can do the maximum amount of merchant exploitation?
>I don’t think that would work
>Decide that maybe I should just find out about the farm first, and cater to the individual needs
>Yeah, that would work

>”So, whats life like on the farm?”
>Annie stops hammering in the fence post to look at me warily
>”Why do you want to know?”
>....
>Ah fuck
>Shrug
>”Was just curious, I am from a different world after all. Want to know what all this is, what it’s like, how it works.”
>Annie nods then moves on to a different fence post
>Slamming it in
>wow
>”It’s fulfilling and simple. We take care of our kith and kin, and everything is our property. Do I wish we were better off? All the time. But, I can’t bemoan my life, there are those who have it worse.”
>Annie looks frustrated
>She slams the next post into the ground, not even needing to use her elbow
>I need to resist the urge to call her mommy
>”We grow wheat, grain, hay, and have horses. Not much else one could ask for. Occasionally traders walk by, they don’t mind bartering goods. Selling meat and grain is a… passable living.”
>I can hear there's an underlying edge of frustration in her voice
>”Of course Lord knows what I would do for some sheep and a regular supply of  jam, but I can’t complain.”
>There's an odd emphasis on “Can't complain”
>As if she really REALLY wants to complain
>ThatsASurpriseToolThatWillHelpUsLater.Mp3 

>Follow around Annie as she does her work, chatting about the farm
>Her family lives subsiding off selling wheat, hay, and horse meat
>horse meat…
>must be selling to Jack in the box or something
>now, I think I have an idea
>with just wheat and horse meat
>I think I might know what to barter 
>but first, before that
>I need to confirm my suspicions
>I really don’t want to make an ass of myself offering stuff they already have
>An idea comes to mind 
>Ask Annie for fuel
>she pauses for a second
>”what type of fuel do you desire?”
>time to see the obvious 
>”I could use some gasoline, or Kerosene if you have it.”
>Annie looks at me like I’m speaking a foreign language
>that’s a good sign
>”I… I am unsure what either of those are.”
>”how about methanol?”
>Annie shakes her head
>”no?”
>”Mineral spirits?”
>Annie is confused
>JessieWhatAreYouTalkingAbout.Jpg
>We both stare at each other uncomfortably
>”what are any of those items?”
>”it’s fuel, like a liquid fuel. Do you have any liquid fuel? Any flammable liquids? You have even pure alcohol for burning?”
>Annie looks at me like I’m insane
>”why would you burn pure alcohol? That’s expensive!”
>....
>ok this might work a little too well

>I can hear https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Cupo63T_Bcs playing in my head as I talk to her
>Ask Annie if there is any sort of flammable liquid that can be used as fuel
>She thinks for a bit before nodding
>”there is one thing”
>she takes me over to a relatively small structure
> in a triangle tent shape, but made of wood planks and hay like something you’d see in Skyrim 
>opens the door and goes inside, before returning with a large clay pot
>opens it up
>there’s some syrupy looking substance
>smells awfully bitter and nasty
>”we have this. It’s tar pitch. We use it for waterproofing, but it can be used to make torches.”
>tar pitch?
>grab a stick and dip it in
>shits thick as hell
>pull out the stick and the pitch is clinging to it
>....
>damn I’m glad I didn’t do my original idea of sticking my finger In that
>this gives me an idea for later
>Ask Annie about what they usually use to start fires
>says something about usually having a striking rod to make sparks when the embers go out
>I have no idea what that is
>I never was one for /out/ or /his/ shit
>knew I should have lurked moar 
>but this is good enough for now
>I think I know what to use to pay for my stay
>Thank Annie for her help and wander around the farm
>Trying to gather better clues on the society
>because I know for a fact that if I walk into one of their barns and see a John deere tractor and a propane burner I’m going to be pissed

>check out the other barn
>lots of primitive farming implements
>all manual tools made of dark cast iron
>sized up for Oni of course
>not one bit of modern convenience though
>there’s a well of sorts
>oh, they have it in the barn?
>good
>won’t 100% freeze your ass off going outside in the night for it
>looks like a form of hand pump affixed to it, only Oni sized
>a few glass bottles and wooden barrels are around, as well as clay jars
>so they either don’t have plastic, or haven’t invented it
>which is good because this helps me
>HappyMerchant.Mp3 
>wander around the farm more
>Annie keeps an eye on me from the distance
>what a wonderful Oni she is
>I try to keep myself from staring at her
>Not just because she’s a woman, but a fucking fantasy Oni 
>holy shit
>imagine all the other fantasy creatures out here
>all the fantasy women
>it’s a coomers wet dream come true
>also mine
>I didn’t spend my weekends on anonymous basket weaving forums for nothing
>I do appreciate fantasy women
>especially when they are holding firearms
>but that’s something to be worked on
>The farm is relatively peaceful 
>especially compared to the city
>feels like there’s nothing wrong here
>it’s a safe haven
>a complete tone shift
>it’s… nice
>I feel like I could belong here easily
>I feel sort of silly holding my rifle on my back
>the .50 cal gets a little heavy after a while
>also the damn pistols and belt are giving me blisters on my waist
>guess I’m not used to carrying it around this much like this
>and it is surprisingly warm and sunny today after that storm last night
>fuck it
>I doff my gear
>take off my leather jacket and .50 cal in-line from its strap
>set the stuff on the hood of my car
>nobody is going to mess with it
>no joggers going to happen by and make off with it
>peace

>walk around the farm more
>just enjoying it
>finally make it to a stable of sorts
>it’s a very large stable
>dark, damps, and smells like absolute shit
>walk inside
>lots of horses in here
>big ones at that, draft horse size
>I know for a fact though that one of these wouldn’t be able to hold an Oni
>must be why they keep them for meat
>mmmm horse burger
>just like Ronald McDonald would make 
>now an Oni might not be able to ride a horse, but I definitely could
>maybe I should ask Annie or Hart about that
>in the meantime while I get my car working
>”having fun in there?” Annie yells from outside
>can’t say I hate it
>it’s comfy
>”our stable is chock full of the best meat horses we could get. Not the most room, but we have enough space to get by.”
>pretty damn cool
>I like the idea of riding around on a horse shooting my revolver
>running down niggers and orks
>CorblundHorseSoldier.MP3
>they really did maximize space in here
>multiple horses to a stall
>not cramped, but definitely not spacious
>make it to an empty stall
>huh
>weird
>you’d think they would be using this one as well
>so much for maximizing space

>turn
>smack my face into a barn support
>fucking ouch
>who the hell puts a support right here
>run my face and blink my eyes
>what the fuck
>the support is just… having in the air?
>can’t really see much 
>turn on my phone and use it as a flashlight
>the barn support…
>that’s a…
>horse leg and hoof?
>I look up
>a horse is fucking strapped and roped to the ceiling with weird white strands
>what the fuck?
>I didn’t know you could keep a horse like that
>weird
>hear a rhythmic clicking
>I know it’s not hooves…
>turn my light
>up on the roof of the stable
>is a massive black shadow, glistening with light
>eight massive long legs
>clicking mandibles
>my butthole clenches as I look at it 
>that’s… a really huge spider
>easily the size of a compact car
>it’s just standing up there, minding its business
>drops onto the ground with a silent thump
>it slowly walks up to me
>clicking it’s jaws
>regarding me silently
>damn Oni farms are weird
>”Hey Annie! I think your giant spider got out of its pen.”
>I’ll bet she’s not going to be happy about this
>where the hell do you even keep this thing?
>or why?
>I guess you can make money off the silk but Jesus Christ
>”Anon? Beg your pardon?” I hear shouted back
>”your giant spider, it’s got out!”
>there’s a long, drawn out pause after my shout
>”what do you mean? Giant spider?”
>the giant spider walks closer to me
>staring at me with its glassy eight eyes
>tfw the gears start turning in my head
>ah, I see now

>I nod to myself
>”Ah, never mind” I shout back
>I turn from the spider
>start slowly walking away from it
>I hear it following
>power walk with great intent 
>sweat beading my head
>the spider follows faster
>just keep cool Anon
>just keep cool
>I hear a mandible click
>yeah fuck that
>break into a dead sprint
>screaming like a fucking retard
>spiders screeches and rushes after me
>sprint down the stable hall
>”FUCKFUCKSHITFUCKMOTHERFUCKSHITGODDAMNITFUCKFUCK”
>throw open the stable doors, nearly hitting Annie
>”Anon what in the devil is-“
>don’t pay attention to her as I rush past
>Hear her scream as the doors get smashed open
>Spider runs out after me
>sprinting across the grass
>I feel my heart hammering in my chest painfully
>Mother fucker I’m out of shape
>Beeline towards my station wagon
>screaming obscenities the entire time
>”FUCKINGSPIDERNIGGERFUCKFUCKSHITFUCK”
>I see my .50cal inline resting on the hood with my revolvers
>my salvation

>spider is gaining ground on me
>this isn’t the type of spider that I want to wrap me in silk and suck me dry 
>make it to my truck
>grab my rifle and revolvers
>keep sprinting 
>spider is about 20ft behind me
>I only have one chance at this
>in a single motion I turn and aim the inline
>point it in the directions of the spiders face and eyes
>pull trigger
>there’s a loud bang and a puff of smoke
>throw myself to the side
>spider is screaming
>runs right past me
>goes for a few more yards
>collapses on the ground
>drop my rifle and pull out my Army revolver 
>shakily walk up to it
>the .50 cal lead ball smashed right into its face
>looks like Ichor and goo exploded out from the wound 
>probably hit it’s brain or something
>cock the pistol 
>fire another round into its head
>body spasms
>Empty the full cylinder into it for good measure
>there’s a mess of fucked up goo
>I’m shaking as I lower my revolver
>....
>ok I’m good
>I’m all good
>nice and chill
>I let out a sigh
>and then
>”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”