So sometimes I go on walks with my gf through the woods
>Be me
>walking with gf while she forages for ingredients she uses in her craft
>it's the middle of summer, in the afternoon
>we're walking, talking about building a new house, settling down
>Couple stuff
>looks off the trail, does a double-take and stares out into the woods
>most perplexed expression I've ever seen on her face
>"Hey dear what are you looking at"
>"th- whatever the hell that is"
>She points I look
>off in the undergrowth there is something moving with difficulty
>Looks like a deer carcuss
>years of reading /x/ stories lead me to a jump to a drastic conclusion
>"OH FUCK IT'S A WENDIGO OR SKINWALKER OR SOMETHING"
>Get ready to mag dump my pistol carbine
>gf gives me her "you're being stupid" look.
>"If it were one of those it wouldn't be standing out in the open. Look closer anon"
>She's right, I feel really stupid for a second
>Then I use the scope on my Springfield to get a better look
>It is, indeed a deer carcuss, with the chest cavity hollowed out
>but not empty
>a goblin is inside, with it's legs poking out underneath, proping the forelegs up with sticks to make them look like they're arms
>Tell gf this
>"Now why would anything, much less a goblin do that?"
>"Idk gf, I'm going to kill it no-
>"WAIT."
>"what?"
>Gets a crazy look in her eyes, shit-eating grin spreading on her face
>gf turns self invisible
>"I have a WONDERFUL idea"
>wut
>"Just watch"
>She walks off through the undergrowth, not even bothering to be quiet
>I don't bother stopping her, she's not exactly someone you say "no" to.
cont.
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>Nervously watch the underbrush being tossed aside by invisible gf
>she's a witch, and can take care of herself, but I'm still worried
>I've heard gobbo's can be very rapey fucks
>decide to follow gf, taking much more care to be quiet and stealthy
>get about 25 yards out; I decide to stop, but gf continues
>can hear very quiet chuckling
>crazy.exe
>no longer worried for gf, a little worried about what she has planned for the gobbo
>gobbo notices the underbrush getting crushed under invisible foot
>it speaks in what I generously consider a nasal "voice"
>"WHO DARES APPROACH THE WENDIGO"
>It moves the dead deer's forelegs around while trying to make himself and the deer carcuss taller
>Deer head limply swinging around
>Gobbo is trembling a little inside the deer though, is visibly spooked.
>gf waits until it begins to repeat itself
>"I AM THE SPIRIT OF THE FOREST; YOU ARE NO WENDIGO! DECLARE WHAT YOU ARE, CREATURE, AND I MAY SPARE THEE!"
>the deer carcuss collapses to the ground as the goblin starts groveling in it
>"oooOOOHHH PLEASE NO KILL, I BE ONLY A GOBLIN"
>Can hear the masked glee in gf's voice
>"AND YET YOU PRETEND TO BE SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT, CRETIN! WHY?!"
>"EVERYTHING KILL GOBLINS, NOTHING KILL WENDIGO, EVERYTHING FEAR WENDIGO; I PRETEND BE WENDIGO TO SCARE EVERTHING AWAY, NOT DIE!"
>Goblin sounds like he wants to cry
>"SO YOU WISH TO BE POWERFUL? TO BE ABLE TO KILL AND NOT KILLED?"
>Goblin whimpers
>"Well, I could make you deal, cretin, if you are willing to listen..."
cont.
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>Goblin stops whimpering
>"wh- wha"
>gf cuts it off
>"HEED, CRETIN! IN EXCHANGE FOR POWER, YE SHALL SERVE THE FOREST FOR THE REST OF YOUR EXISTENCE! ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE SUCH A DEAL?!?"
>Silence, then a flask materializes from the ether
>it's filled with a clear liquid; gf sets it on the ground
>"DRINK OF THIS, AND KILL ALL WHO WOULD VIOLATE THE FOREST"
>the plants on the ground begin to be crushed underfoot again as gf walks off, this time much more careful of making noise.
>the goblin is out of the carcuss, staring at the flask dumbfounded
>walks over to me
>okay gf you've had your fun time to kill the gobbo
>raise carbine
>feel gf's hand on gun, whispers
>"just. watch. it."
>ok then
>goblin picks up the flask, sniffs it, then chuggs it
>drops flask, looks at self
>goblin grumbling
>It suddenly jerks around, falls to the ground
>like it's having a seizure
>after a couple seconds it stops
>gf makes herself visible again
>"Is it dead?"
>"No anon, just paralyzed."
>"wh- why did go through all that?"
>"Well I needed to test my new potion"
>"you mean poison."
>gf gets up and starts walking towards the paralyzed goblin
>"No, it's supposed to be an anesthesia of sorts; but I'm not going to test on anyone in town"
>Shes pokes it with a stick, a couple times, then starts walking back to the road with a smile
>"Oh well, back to the drawing board with that one."
>Came back later to find that goblin still there, in that postion; just now half eaten by some critter.
I try not to piss my gf off too much anymore.
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